Urban Diaries

by Jackson, Sexcee

  ********************

  The ride to my mother’s house was quiet and for a minute, I wasn’t sure if I should still come out. After Allen basically had just read her the Riot Act, how could I? I just sat there through the whole thing wanting to burst out in tears at my mother’s verbal abuse but instead, surprisingly, I found myself able to stay composed because of Allen’s confident demeanor. Allen was SPOT on about everything he said and I only pray that I could get to the place where he is someday, not only at total peace and comfortable enough to be open about who I am, but also passionate enough to defend my right to be so. After thinking about the things he said and about Courtney, I’m thinking maybe this is the perfect time and unexpectedly my courage shows back up.

  When we get to my mother’s house, I park in the driveway as always and she gets out and hurries inside. I sit there with my mind racing, rehearsing what I want to say. Without realizing it, I sit there so long that my Momma comes back out. “Whatchu doin baby?” she asks with a smile on her face. “Why you just sittin in the car like you scared to come in? Come on in here.”

  As soon as I go inside, I give Momma a hug because in my mind this may be the last time that I get to hug my momma like this. I hug my momma so tight I can feel her tense up. I begin to cry because I am so scared. I really don’t know how she’s going to react.

  “What’s wrong baby? Why you actin so strange?” she asks with genuine concern. I don’t say anything. I just continue to hug her. “Tell Momma what got you all upset like this.” I can tell she is starting to get a little impatient. I finally find my voice.

  “I have something I need to tell you, but I’m scared because I know you’re not going to like it.”

  “Baby, you can tell me anything. And what could be so bad that it’s got you up cryin and all in a tizzy?”

  “I’ve met someone”, I say looking down at the floor, too afraid to see her face.

  Before she can tell me what good news that is, I blurt out, “It’s a woman, her name is Courtney, and I think I love her.” I instinctively take a step back prepared to feel my mother’s wrath. Instead, she takes my hand in hers and pulls me into her arms. When she releases me, she takes my hand gently and pulls me toward the couch gesturing me to sit down.

  “Honestly”, she says, “I’ve figured as much. I just did not want to believe it but today at Starbucks, when you didn’t jump in and defend me or take my side, which you usually always do; I put two and two together. On the ride home? My silence was my acceptance and my realization and I can’t say that I’m not disappointed, but you my baby. Do you think I would let something like that build a wedge between me and my only baby? As much as I would like to see you settle down with a man and give me some grandbabies, your happiness means more to me than all of that.”

  For the first time in my life, I think I am actually speechless because I am completely caught off guard by my mother’s reaction. I thought by now I would be laid out somewhere.

  “Terri, listen. I have a confession of my own to make. Only one other person knows this about me and I never thought the day would come when I would have the courage to tell you this, but as hard as it was for you to tell me your secret, I think I owe you that much. I understand how you could be attracted to a woman because I myself have wondered about the experience. Even now, I see a woman sometimes and find myself becoming turned on.

  I’ve actually dated a few in my time but never wanted to expose you to that lifestyle. People are cruel and I should know. I’m one of them. I didn’t want to subject you to the hate that people can spew out behind things like that. I also didn’t want you to think that being with a woman was normal or natural.”

  I’m sitting there beyond stunned trying to take all of this in and figure out why is she so cruel. Why does she act the way she does about homosexuality if she herself has these feelings. “If you feel like this, then why all the anger and horrible negativity about gays and lesbians?” I ask my Momma with a confused look on my face.

  “That’s the hypocrite in me. That coffee boy was right. We all fall short of the glory of God. I apologize if some of the things I said offended you baby, but honestly, I never wanted anyone to know that I have those types of feelings. Not even you. But there’s no sense hiding it from you and making you feel bad about who you are. I realize that hearing me say those things must have really hurt you and I am truly sorry. I am so proud of you and I accept you just the way you are. And I accept Courtney too if that’s who you choose to spend your life with. Love is love and does not discriminate.”

  Wow! I think there is more to Momma’s story than she’s telling me but I let it go at that. I’m just happy she understands. We talk for a little longer, catching up on everything from who’s pregnant to who’s sleeping with whose husband to who had the tackiest outfit on at church last Sunday. I decide to leave because I am so ready and anxious to tell Courtney the good news. “Thank you momma”, I say finally feeling at peace. “No, thank you”, she responds, “for giving me the courage to be honest with myself and my daughter.”

  We hug and kiss and with me promising to bring Courtney over soon, I leave. Before going to Courtney’s house I stop at Yee’s and grab us some Shrimp Lo Mein and Shrimp Egg Foo Yung to go. Then I stop at the store to get us some wine to go with our meal. At the last minute, I decide to go to the flower shop and get the biggest, most beautiful bouquet of flowers that I can find.

  When I get to Courtney’s house, I let myself in with my key and find her in the shower. While she’s in the shower, I put the flowers in some water and set the table with candles, glasses for our wine, and plates for our food. It’s the middle of the day, but instead of a candle light dinner, I figure we can have a candle light lunch to celebrate.

  The shower stops so I know Courtney will be coming out of the bathroom soon so I go into the bedroom and put on one of her teddies. That’s one of the advantages of having a girlfriend close to my size; we can wear each other’s clothes.

  She comes out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel before I can get back into the kitchen to pour the wine and plate the food. We practically run into each other in the hallway. She is startled at first, but that sexy smile creeps across her face and she wraps her arms around my neck and gives me one of the sweetest kisses I’ve ever had. Her lips tastes like toothpaste and Listerine, which makes my lips, tingle.

  “You look better in that teddy than I do”, she says with a sexy smirk. Her towel falls to the floor and I am instantly drawn to her beautiful, erect, silver dollar sized nipples. Before I get carried away, I pick up her towel and wrap it around her. “Sweetie, as much as I want to eat you up right now, I have a surprise for you so close your eyes.”

  I grab her hand and lead her to the kitchen where the flowers are and the table is set for a romantic meal. She opens her eyes and smiles at the flowers, candles, and wine glasses. I pull her chair out so she can sit down while I pour the wine and plate the food.

  “Girl, you musta been readin’ my mind, I been cravin’ some Yee’s all day. I was gonna suggest we get dinner from there, but this is even better. What’s the occasion?”

  “I went to see my Momma today and I told her all about us. I was scared shitless, but I decided it was time for me to be honest with her about who I am. I couldn’t go on living a lie and I felt you deserved more than that. I don’t want to have to lie about who you are when we’re together. Anyway, I told her that I am in love with a woman and that I’ve had these feelings all my life. She surprised the shit out of me when she told me she understood. Not only does she understand, but apparently she has had the same feelings.”

  “Get the fuck outta here. She did not tell you that.”

  “Yes the fuck she did.”

  “Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Are you telling me that yo’ momma, the same momma that you thought was gonna kick yo’ ass when she found out, is down with the rainbow tribe?”

  “Well not exactly”, I say chuckling. “But she�
�s had her own experiences and don’t be lookin’ at me like that, I was just as surprised as you. She even admitted to being a hypocrite for saying the things she says about gays and lesbians.”

  “I’m happy about yo momma, but what about the rest of your family? I mean, how are they gonna react. From what you’ve told me, yo momma isn’t the only one that does not approve of gays and lesbians”, Courtney asks with a worried expression on her face.

  “My Momma is the only one that counts. For real. Fuck everybody else. When we make our debut at one of my family’s functions, my momma will have our back and not nare muthafucka gonna say something out of pocket cause Sista Anderson can get quite ugly when the situation calls for it so don’t trip. That reminds me, I gotta tell you about the way Alan read her today for her ugliness. Now let’s eat cause I’m starvin and from the way yo nipples is salutin I’m gonna need my energy for dessert”, I say with a smirk. She licks her fingers suggestively and looks at me with those sexy eyes.

  “And you know this man.” She purrs and winks back.

  Damn. I am so happy that I can’t even think straight. I am finally at peace. Not only do I have my mother’s approval but a girlfriend that I love who loves me back. Life can’t get much better than this. She’s all I can think of right now. ‘Cuz damn! This girl makes my insides throb and they don’t throb for just anybody.

  CHAPTER 22 – THE TASTE OF RACISM

  The Taste of Racism

  The taste of racism

  Leaves a sourness in my stomach,

  That makes it hard for me to digest areas of gray.

  A bitterness in my heart,

  That makes it easy for me to hate today.

  An emptiness in my soul,

  That uses gluttony to help me find my way.

  And a hollowness in my spirit,

  That makes me turn to GOD and pray.

  CHAPTER 23 – 7 DAYS WITH ZHANE

  7 Days With Zhane

  Thursday, September 06, 2001

  Inspiration: Malcolm X - from his speech "The Only Solution"

  “Just like you have a powder keg—when you have a powder keg, and there’s too many sparks around it, the thing’s going to explode.”

  Random Thoughts:

  I just can't get this quote out of my head after what happened today. I get an eerie feeling from the roots of my hair follicles all the way down to the tips of my toenails whenever I think of how his words from yesterday still have just has much meaning and power as they did forty years ago.

  Emotional Thoughts:

  I felt it with all of my being. I can't explain it, but I knew when I woke up this morning, that today would be the day that it all came to a head. It has been going on for seven and half months now, and I somehow knew that today would be the day, the day that all of the unnecessary bickering between our families would show its true colors.

  It all started when I got a call from Alex. He said we needed to talk and I admit, we really did. Our petty argument from a few days ago over nothing more than what we were going to eat had escalated into a war of words ending with yes, no, and uh-huns. Frustration. Nothing more, nothing less. All of this stupidity that's been going on between our families had finally taken its toll, leaving both of us to question if all of this dissention was actually worth the aggravation of dealing with.

  We decided to meet at our favorite little spot, La Villa, a Mexican restaurant across the street from his family’s market. When I pulled in front of the restaurant, I could see Alex already standing out front waiting to greet me. No sooner than I stepped out of the car, that asshole brother of mine came out of nowhere and punched Alex in the nose and talking more shit than a little bit, telling him to stay away from me.

  Then Alex's brother Sergio came from across the street and hit Ty in the back with a steel garbage can. I screamed and ran over to my brother and begged all of them to stop. The next thing you know, I saw every single member of the Bounty Hunter's Blood Gang that I could think of. All of them standing there, dressed head to toe in red gang attire, making me sick to my stomach with the anticipation of what I knew was yet to come. At that very moment, I realized that my nosey brother had set up the whole thing by eavesdropping on my earlier phone call with Alex.

  Alex's entire family rushed out of the market, his father, his other brothers, his uncles, and even a few of his cousins. That's when the brawl of all brawls began. Fucking Niggers! Stupid ass wet-backs! and all of the other horrible names for Blacks and Hispanics that I could think of, were heard from both sides as my brother and his gang started World War III against my boyfriend Alejandro and his family. It was horrible, simply horrible. How could I choose sides? There was glass being broken, punches thrown, knives pulled and used, blood dripping and I just curled up in a corner shaking with fear and cried my heart out in pure anguish and torment.

  Final Thoughts:

  A full fledge race war in the middle of Crenshaw Boulevard all because of love. Ironic isn't it? Modern day Romeo and Juliet of the ghetto? Perhaps. That's bullshit. I love Alex with all my heart and I know he loves me too, but I'll be damned if we commit suicide just to prove it to our families. We're getting the hell out of LA.

  Friday, September 07, 2001

  Inspiration: Erykah Badu - "Penitentiary Blues" from the album Mama's Gun

  "But you can’t win when your will is weak / When you’re knocked on the ground / Evil, don’t you test me / Evil, you won’t win Oh why world, Why world Do want me to be so mad?"

  Random Thoughts:

  I wasn't surprised that no one was arrested yesterday. When the police arrived, neither side had much to say, as usual. In the hood, no one ever cooperates with the law. Needless to say, no one pressed charges, because according to our families, revenge and hatred is much better than sending someone to jail. Now that's way too much hatred! After all of the anger, the resentment, the violence, nothing has changed, my family still hates his family and vice versa. Why world? Why me? Why us?

  Emotional Thoughts:

  Alex just left, swollen nose, black eye, purple lips and all. I can't believe that he was willing to take the chance to come over here, to the projects, the crazy ass Nickerson Gardens, after everything that happened to us yesterday. I told him that I could sneak him in around the side of the house after my mother leaves for work, but he insisted that he didn't care about what my mother thought of him, and he wasn't afraid of Ty anymore. Not afraid of Ty? Now that's what I call love. I kept telling him that we could meet somewhere, but after yesterday's surprise, I really couldn't blame him for not wanting to.

  He arrived just as mama was leaving for work; in fact, they met at the door. I pulled him inside the house, right passed her, real quick before she could open her catapult and let one of her disrespectful ass insults fly. She just shook her head in disgust and then, surprisingly, smiled and left. I don't know what that smile was for, I was just glad she left without making a scene.

  He was distant today, not his usual enthusiastic yet mild mannered self. He was quiet and deep in thought the whole while he was here. We didn't talk about yesterday. We didn't need to. There was nothing to be said. He told me he was going to spend the weekend in Boston with his aunt Flora. She had been begging him for years to come live with her in Boston. Now that we only have 2 semesters of college left, relocating to Boston with Tia (aunt) Flora doesn't seem like such a bad idea, especially after that crazy fiasco yesterday.

  Alex says Flora is the only member in his family that understands our relationship. She's been through all of the hell that Alex and I are catching now because she married a Jewish doctor, instead of the man Alex's abuelo (grandfather) had arranged for her. Alex explained to her what's been going on and after yesterday, she booked him a round trip flight, just for a visit. If he likes it, we'll be moving out there in May after graduation. That's the plan, at least for now.

  Alex is leaving tomorrow and maybe things will cool down a bit while he's away. But who knows with my stupid ass brother and
his ignorant ass friends. What a worthless bunch of knuckleheads. And mama? She is the number one Ms. Busy Body of the entire projects, so I know she's still trying, after 9 weeks, to get a petition going to close down Amesquez Market for selling bad meat. She's only doing it to spite me, to hurt Alex and his family. She knows that store is all they have and she's being evil and mean spirited because she doesn't want to see Alex and me together.

  Final Thoughts:

  I never thought that I would find someone like Alex. Ty calls me a sell-out because Alex is Latino. He's always asking me how can I walk around quoting Malcolm X and then be in an interracial relationship. My simple response is that it doesn't matter what his race is. Alex, just like Malcolm, is not afraid to stand up for what he believes in. He's not wasting his life away hiding behind a red bandana committing genocide. Besides what color is love anyway? When I say this, he leaves me alone, trifling bastard.

  Saturday, September 08, 2001