Breathe Again

by Kamy Chetty

  “Hormones?” Did she have to bring up that day? It took a heck of a cold shower to get her out of her system, and something told him there was a cold shower with his name on it in the very near future.

  She was burning hot. Or he was burning hot for her. He wasn’t sure, but why the heck did she have to sit there and smell so…so good?

  “Pregnancy hormones. Leaves me emotional and frisky.”

  Nick stirred two sugars into his coffee and then placed the spoon aside. He looked at the cup and cocked his head, impressed that he didn’t let his hand quiver, not once.

  “Is your coffee okay? You’re staring at that mug very hard.”

  He raised his gaze. Uh. Yes. Hormones. Frisky. Cold shower, must take.

  “Yes, it’s black.” He looked down at the dark coffee.

  “That’s usually how you like it. Black and strong. Are you sure there isn’t something troubling you?”

  Troubling? Yes. Frisky meant sex. Right?

  “Nick?”

  He met her gaze. Who the hell was he kidding? It wasn’t all about the sex. He loved this woman. She was his wife. She was a siren who stole his heart, invaded his dreams.

  He reached out and put his hand over hers. “What if I agree to stay with you but have nothing to do with the baby?”

  She pulled her hand away as if his had turned to lava rocks. “What?”

  Sense. Make sense. Make her understand.

  “What if I agree to be here for you and support you through this pregnancy, but once the baby is here, you take over. I don’t want to have anything to do with the child. You keep the child away from me. I won’t be a father, babysitter and guardian. Nothing—that’s the way it has to be,” he spoke all in one breath and then paused.

  She watched him, her gaze narrowed.

  He wanted to know what she was thinking. The proposal he’d made was way beyond ridiculous, but it could work. What was she thinking?

  Eventually she sighed and met his gaze. “All this time I thought it was because you were scared of being a father. All this time I thought you’d change your mind eventually. Now I know you really don’t want this child. Do you?”

  The question caught him unawares. She was right in some ways. But how did he explain that to her?

  “I love you Skylar and I miss you, but I can’t be a father. Please don’t ask me to.”

  “It’s all my fault Nick. My fault.” She stood, and he was at her side.

  “Hey,” he pulled her chin forward, “this can’t be your fault.” He tugged her into his arms and threaded his fingers into her slightly damp hair, moving so he could kiss her.

  She moaned against his mouth.

  Nick pulled her closer. She was so pliant in his arms. He licked at her lips, wanting to taste her first. He could do this, make this sacrifice. He’d do it, for her.

  She tried to withdraw. “I need to—”

  “No. It’s okay.” He cupped her face. He loved her so much. He wasn’t going to let her go. I can do this.

  “But—” she tried again.

  Her skin felt so soft against his cheek. So soft. So smooth. So right.

  He moved to cup her breast. The feel of her in his hand drove his excitement to a titillating need for more. He twitched and hardened to a painful point of need. His body remembered the pleasure she gave, and it demanded more. His breath was ripped from his body as he drove his erection against her hip.

  With a hard shove, Skylar broke free. “No.”

  *****

  “No?” he asked, his eyes taking on a hurt look.

  Skylar stepped back and bowed her head. Damn. How did it get this far without her confessing the truth?

  Her fingers went to her lips, and she rubbed hard.

  “No?” he repeated when she stood there in silence.

  She swallowed. The voice said, tell him. But that look on his face, that hurt look, the one that tore her heart to shreds, that one said, shut up. Shut up!

  “So how will this work? We’re together until the baby is born, and then you leave?” Inside, her heart was racing. She was panicking. This was a panic attack. Panic attacks felt like this. She tried to slow her breathing but the more she tried, the harder it got to slow down the rate.

  The muscles in her face were beginning to get numb. Damn.

  She was hyperventilating. She was a nurse. Knew the signs. This was brown paper bag material.

  Nick put his finger at the base of her throat. “What the hell—?”

  Skylar shook her head, scooted across to the chair and sat down with her head between her legs.

  “I upset you.” Nick stood beside her and rubbed her back.

  He pulled her hair away from her face and held it at her back. “This is too much too quickly.”

  “It’s not you. It’s me. My fault.” Guilt compounded her feelings. The voice screamed at her like a little monster. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

  His hands felt warm. She sighed.

  “On my second tour, I was in the Helmand Province. I was based near one of the small villages and we were going across this desert. It was hot and dusty. Not hot like it gets here. There it gets a different kind of hot.” Nick rubbed her nape with his finger, and she started to calm down. Her breathing slowed. Eyes closed.

  Why he was telling her this story wasn’t important. That he was talking, now that was damn important. It was important enough for her to shelve any notion of telling him the truth and breaking this spell.

  “When it got hot there, you couldn’t even swallow your own spit. Dust and dirt mixed with sweat—it was hell. If you saw what went on there, what they don’t show you on TV and in movies, you’d know it is hell. Hell on earth.”

  She sat up.

  Nick sat beside her. “We go there with the best intentions, hoping we can help but sometimes you can’t change fate. Do you understand, Skye? You can’t change fate, no matter how hard you try.”

  She stroked his cheek. He had that afternoon growth again. She leaned in and kissed the corner of his mouth. “What happened?”

  He held her head against his. His whisper was barely audible. “It doesn’t matter.”

  Skylar sighed. “Somehow I think it’s not as bad as you believe.”

  Nick pushed her away and held onto the edge of the kitchen table. “You weren’t the one trying to change fate. You weren’t the one who’d failed.”

  “So make me understand.” Skylar watched him with an owl's gaze.

  She had his baby growing inside her. Maybe in time he’d come around, and if he didn’t, then it didn’t matter. It was her fault.

  “Nick! Where are you going?”

  He grabbed a jacket and did a hard run out of the house. She barely had time to blink before he was out the door.

  She looked around for her car keys and was about to run after him, when she realized not only did she have no clue where he was going, but she was wearing an over-sized man's t-shirt and nothing else. Between realizing her helplessness and having a Bridget Jones moment, she felt a ripping pain in her right side. She fell to her knees, and everything blacked.

  Chapter Five

  Skylar clutched at the cool tiles as the pain tore from side to side. Her scream echoed in the empty house. Nausea made her weak.

  Her baby. This baby that her husband didn’t want, this baby that she was finding a fondness for, was resisting this world. She couldn't be losing this baby. She wasn't ready to become a mum, but she couldn't lose this child. Yes, she’d take the blame. Do anything, even confess to Nick, but she couldn’t be losing this child. Her child.

  She looked around for her cell—the only phone in the house. It was on the table in the dining room. She tried to get up but with every turn, the pain gripped her tighter and harder.

  Taking small breaths to try to control the pain, she slowly crawled toward the dining room. Toward her phone.

  Another pain. Then she felt it. A rush of heat. A feeling of liquid heat between her legs. Pain. Stickiness. She d
idn't want to look down. Refused to look down. She looked at the table. Focused.

  The phone. Get. To. The. Phone. Call.

  Call who? Nick? Nick had left. She breathed as if she were a Lamaze coach as she slowly made her way to the table and to her phone. Still she refused to look down.

  If she didn't look down, it wasn't real. She wasn't losing the baby.

  She managed to get to the table and slowly hoisted herself up. When she got her phone, she pressed the three digits that would bring instant help and then waited for the ringing.

  It was a good two hours later that she could even relax. The doctors and nurses had reassured her more than once that she needed to relax and stay calm. She had some bleeding, but there was still a heartbeat and she hadn't lost the baby.

  Each time they told her, she took the words in but they didn't absorb into her brain. Panic caused the words to slide off as if they were ice cubes skating off hell's roads.

  “Can we call someone for you?” the nurse asked her. She gave her a sip of water and turned down the light.

  Skylar shook her head. “No. I'll be okay.”

  “The baby's father?” The nurse was persistent. Most nurses were.

  Wishing she had an answer for that one, she shook her head and smiled. “He's busy. Thanks for your help. Do you think I could go home tomorrow?”

  “I don't see why not. You need to take it easy. Bed rest for a few days and then when you do get back to work, it's light duties. It could have been worse. You're very lucky that it wasn't the placenta separating.”

  Skylar let her hand rest on her abdomen. “I know.”

  The nurse noted her blood pressure in her chart. “You sure you don't need anything else?”

  “I'm fine. Really.” Skylar smiled.

  Pulling her knees up towards her, she put her head between her hands. When her cheeks began to get wet, she wiped away the tears but the more she wiped the more they fell, until she lost the battle. Her body heaved with hurt, and she sobbed. She sobbed with fatigue. She sobbed with fear. She sobbed with anger. And most of all, she sobbed with loneliness.

  She didn't notice the door open, but she did notice when Nick took her in his arms.

  His voice was a scented breath next to her cheek. He’d been drinking. He never drank. But she could smell it. “I'm sorry. I saw the blood on the floor. I guessed.”

  She’d driven him to this. She closed her eyes hoping he wouldn’t see her tears.

  “I’m sorry, Nick. I shouldn’t have put you through this.” He had made it ultra-clear and she changed the rules on him. She felt so guilty.

  He held her tightly. “It's for the best. I promise.”

  She held him so tight, she almost didn't hear him say the words but once they were out, that was all she could hear. She stilled. This was a way to give him some peace. He would never be happy. She’d forced this on him for her own selfish reasons.

  His voice was barely a whisper next to her ear. “We weren't meant to have a baby.”

  She nodded, her voice cracked while her heart broke. “Can’t change fate, right?” She pulled away and wiped her tears on the sleeve of her gown. Her body gave a small hiccup.

  “Some things happen for a reason.” He trailed a path on her cheek.

  She looked into his eyes. His beautiful green eyes. They were guarded.

  She looked down at the pattern on the blanket and picked at a loose thread. A nervous habit she was developing.

  “Do you believe that? Do you believe things happen for a reason?” she asked.

  He nodded.

  She hated lies. Always hated lies. When her mother had first told her that her father had to go away for work, that was a lie. She made her mother swear to never lie or betray her again. But all this time she’d been lying to Nick. Now this, another lie.

  “Did they tell you why you lost the baby?” he asked.

  She continued looking down at the thread she was picking at on the blanket. “No. Miscarriages are very common in the first trimester.”

  When he didn't say anything more, when he didn't take her into his arms, she felt the weight in her chest shift ever so slightly.

  *****

  “Decaf? I never thought I'd see the day.” Nick paid for her coffee and ordered his own before letting the barrister know they were sitting together.

  Skylar took a sachet of sugar from the paper cup in front of them and twirled it around between her fingers. “I figured I had my quota for the day.” She let the small packet drop and then drummed her fingers on the table.

  It had been three days, and still she hadn't told Nick about the baby. In fact, she hadn't told anyone. She'd taken a few days off and was now back at work. Everyone thought she'd lost the baby and like a landmine, they steered clear.

  As soon as the coffee arrived, she thanked the waitress, added two sugars and stirred.

  He watched her. “You look tired. Maybe you should have taken the week off.”

  “I'm fine.” Liar, liar pants on fire.

  His hooded gaze didn’t look convinced. “You sure? You look like you haven't been sleeping.”

  Lying takes its toll.

  “What was that?” he asked.

  She blinked twice. Did she say that out loud? Maybe? Hell, this lack of sleep was doing wonders for her brain function. “Nothing.”

  “So did you see the proposal they put in for the next round of budget cuts? I’d like to see them try and run the emergency department without the lab technician services.”

  Skye nodded. Who knew why they called it morning sickness. Anyone who said it lasted the first trimester only was kidding. It should be called all day sickness. She swallowed. Dry crackers didn’t work.

  “Have you been listening to me?”

  No. “Uh, yes. You said budget cuts?”

  He pulled his chair forward. “I should have insisted you take more time off.”

  Skylar shook her head. How was she going to break the news to him? If she was going to take time off for morning sickness during pregnancy, then she may as well not come in for the next six months.

  Nick took a sip of his coffee and watched her with curious eyes.

  “I've got to go. It's that time already. My shift started five minutes ago.”

  He emptied his cup. “So did mine. I'll walk with you.”

  She finished her coffee and stood to join him.

  She pushed her hands into her pink scrub suit pockets, and when she realized it pulled across her abdomen a little too tightly, she removed her hands and folded them self-consciously across her chest instead. A quick gaze told her Nick was oblivious to anything.

  As they exited the café, Nick opened the door for her and waited for her to walk out. “I know this is bad timing, but I wanted to talk to you about asking the Chief of ED to re-instate my application for overseas work.”

  “What?” Skylar almost tripped, and he caught her hand to steady her. “Why?”

  “I was always planning on either going and doing some relief work or doing another tour. I’m not sure which yet.”

  Her lips curled. “I see. No baby, no need to delay this.”

  “It’s not like that and you know this. It was something I need to do. I know you don’t understand, but I was hoping that with everything that’s happened, you’d come around.”

  “That’s the most screwed-up logic I’ve heard. I didn’t want you gone in the first place. Which is why we broke up.” Skylar pinched her palms. Which is why I was forced to do what I did.

  Nick paused. “I’m not getting into this again.”

  “That's fine. Let me know when you're leaving. I'm late for work.”

  Two hours later, Skylar was still simmering over how easy Nick found it to walk away from their marriage. There was no other explanation for it. At least none he’d give her that would stick.

  “Hey, watch where you're going.”

  She stopped suddenly and almost ran smack bang into the linen trolley. “Sorry, Judie. I didn't
see you.”

  “You're not becoming one of those accident-prone people we have to bumperize, are you?”

  She looked at the older woman and laughed. “Please tell me that is not an actual word in the dictionary and that you said that to make me smile.”

  “Maybe. What's got your smile the wrong way around?” Judie asked.

  Skylar sighed again.

  “What's he done now?” Judie put her hands on her hips.

  “He?” Skylar asked.

  Judie’s gaze narrowed. “There is only one man that could get you twisted in knots like that.”

  “Nick?”

  “Who else?” Judie nodded.

  “You tell me.” Skylar took a deep breath. “I wish I could understand him.”

  “I don’t think women are ever meant to understand them, just like they’re never meant to understand us.”

  “How do you make it look so easy?” Skylar smiled sadly.

  Judie looked at her with concern in her eyes. “It ain’t easy. I make it look that way. You know this.”

  “I don't like who I am sometimes.” Skylar rubbed the wetness on her cheek with the back of her hand.

  Judie touched her shoulder. “I'm sorry about the baby.”

  Shaking her head, she took Judie's hand in hers. “I can't lie. I didn't lose the baby.”

  “But everyone thinks you lost the baby. Nick told—” Judie paused as if seeing the fear in Skylar’s eyes.

  “I had to. I almost lost the baby. Then Nick thought I did and he said it was for the best. After that, I couldn't tell him the truth.” Tears were falling down Skylar’s cheeks, and she couldn’t stop the hurt in her voice.

  “Honey, you know you have to tell him.” Judie held her hands.

  “I know I should, but I can't. Not yet.” She closed her eyes, hoping to find the answer she needed, but how to tell a man she loved that she was still carrying a child he didn’t want?

  Judie cupped her cheeks with her hands. “When the time is right, you’ll find the words.”

  *****

  Judie was right. When the time was right, the words would come. But the longer she left it, the harder it was. Even now in the middle of the resus, she felt as if she should be wearing the scarlet letter—L for Liar.