Breathe Again

by Kamy Chetty

  “Skylar, stand back.” Nick's sharp tone penetrated her thoughts, and she immediately stepped back.

  “Okay, on my count. One, two, three.” On the count of three, the team of nurses and assistants transferred the patient from the ambulance gurney onto the resus bed.

  As Nick listened to the handover from the medic, Skylar walked around and attached the monitoring equipment to the patient, who looked to be about thirty-eight years old. He was pale, and his skin was painted in the color of death.

  “His breathing is labored, we have commenced oxygen, but his saturations are still eighty-eight percent on one-hundred percent high-flow oxygen.”

  Nick nodded to the medic. “Thanks.”

  “He is on morphine PRN. He has stage four cancer of the pancreas.”

  Nick nodded.

  “Should we intubate?”

  “I need to check his notes. See if he has a DNR order. For now, let's put in an airway and suction, then continue with the oxygen on high flow.”

  Skylar noted the patient's blood pressure and his temperature in his chart, and then she looked over to the door and saw his wife and daughter standing in the corner.

  “I also want some fluids started and connected to this line the paramedics have inserted. I want a catheter inserted so we can measure his output. Can someone call medical records and get me all of his medical history? I want to know what he's on and what his treatment plan is.”

  Skylar helped to connect the fluids and put out extra blankets to make sure the patient was kept warm. “Stage four cancer.” She let the words lay between them. Her father had died of a brain tumor. Inoperable.

  “Can his wife come in?” Skylar asked Nick.

  Nick looked over his shoulder. “There's not much she can do here.”

  Skylar let out a little sigh. Maybe Nick would never understand. “That's not the point.”

  “Nick, there's a DNR.”

  He nodded at the nurse who gave him the news and then looked at the mother and daughter at the door. “Fine. They can come in.”

  Skylar called the mother and little girl. She got two chairs and then gave them some privacy. Nick was right—there was nothing they could do for the patient. Nothing except make him comfortable and make sure his family had time with him to say goodbye.

  Nick went to the corner of the room, where he paged through the patient’s thick medical file, checking the notes to be sure of the diagnosis. When he came back to the patient’s side, he checked the monitor and the fluids and then went and sat down next to the mother.

  Skylar hated this part of their jobs. Breaking bad news to people. Having to tell loved ones this was the time for their last goodbyes.

  Nick didn’t take the wife’s hand, but he did make eye contact and his voice was sincere. “I've gone through your husband's notes. He has a DNR.”

  The wife looked at Nick blankly. Nick turned to Skylar. In that moment, Skylar wondered why he looked to her. She always wondered how Nick’s mind worked. He always hid his emotions, but she knew deep down, he did care. He had to, or else why had she married him?

  He studied the young woman, choosing his next words. “It means he has a ‘do not resuscitate order.’”

  The couple must have married young, because she looked to be at least twenty-five years old. But the haunting expression in the depths of her eyes showed a woman of eighty. “What does that mean?” she asked.

  Nick looked down at the chart. “He's going to die. In the next twenty-four hours.”

  “Daddy.” The little girl pulled away from her mother and ran toward her father. She placed her hand on her father's mottled, cool hand.

  Skylar had forgotten the child was in the room. She had been sitting by her mother's side so quietly, but Nick's final words had made her leap forward.

  The mother stepped toward the child and took the child’s hand in hers. “Alice, it's okay.”

  Alice looked up at her mother. “No, he's taking daddy away.”

  Nick’s gaze flickered from Skylar to Alice before he focused his attention on the little girl.

  His next words sounded matter-of-fact. “I’m not taking him away.” The choked sob from Alice made him pause. His jaw clenched, and then his hand settled on the child’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. We’ll keep him comfortable. Make sure he has what he needs, but I can’t change what’s going to happen. I can’t change fate.”

  “Nick!” Skylar stepped forward.

  The patient's wife cried out as the pain of Nick's words sunk in. Alice pushed past them and ran out of the room. Skylar tried to stop her, but the grief of the child was like a runaway bus with faulty brakes.

  Skylar's gaze turned to ice as she looked at Nick. “Really?”

  He shrugged and looked at the door as if that would bring back the girl.

  Skylar shook her head. For a man in charge, he was a complete idiot when it came to the female mind.

  “Call security. Tell them we have a little girl that’s lost on the ground floor. She looks about seven or eight years old, wearing a pink dress and carrying a Tigger toy. Then call security at the gates. No one in or out with a girl matching that description until we find that child.”

  Nick looked at her, stunned, and then nodded.

  Skylar gave an exasperated sigh. “Dammit, don't just stand there. Let's go.”

  *****

  He wasn't sure what had gone wrong. He was right. No one could change their fate. That man would die. He told the truth.

  As he moved from room to room, he found the empty rooms a further frustration. He closed the door to the linen room and continued down the corridor. He stood by what he said, had done nothing wrong. He stopped, and Skylar banged into him.

  “What the—?” she uttered between clenched teeth.

  “You're angry,” he said.

  Her skin was glowing. It had to be because of all the running around they were doing looking for this little girl. The girl he had no part in losing.

  “What is wrong with you? This child could be anywhere.” She was flustered.

  “She's in a hospital with a team of security guards searching for her. If anything happens to her, she is in one of the best hospitals around.”

  “Are you doing this on purpose?” she asked.

  “Doing what?” He couldn’t understand her frustration.

  Skylar blew one of the strands of hair that had fallen across her right eye. When it fell back over her eye, she pushed it behind her ear. “Are you frustrating me on purpose so I'll let you go? You can’t break news like that to a little girl.”

  His gaze narrowed. Was this about her maybe? Did that patient remind her of her father and his illness? But she was so mad at him, it couldn’t be that. “Let me go? What are you talking about?”

  She didn’t bother to answer his question. “We need to find this child. I can't believe you said that to her.”

  “I told her the truth.” He met her gaze and refused to let it fall.

  That bit of hair fell from behind her ear again, and he itched to put it behind her ear. His gaze went to the shell of her ear.

  “It's how you told her. There is a way you tell someone they're never going to see their father ever again.”

  He swallowed as his heart rate picked up. His gut told him this was about her father. “I wouldn't know.”

  Her eyes flashed green fire. He could feel the heat fall off her. “What, were you raised by wolves?”

  More or less. He avoided her gaze as he shifted uncomfortably. He’d made her mad again.

  Where would a child go if she were upset? He didn't know. When his mother had kicked his dad out after he put his cigarette out on his arm, and then blamed Nick for his leaving, she’d taken a bottle of gin to bed. He had nowhere to run, so he’d stayed.

  “Sometimes I have to wonder about you, Nick. You make me so mad.”

  He knew that. “You shouldn't be getting this involved with your patients.”

  The thunderous look in her eyes
was enough to scare the devil himself. “I. Give. Up.”

  He watched her walk away and realized she still had the sexiest walk. He loved watching her walk, but if she knew what he was up to, it wasn’t worth the trouble he’d be in.

  He searched along the corridor and walkways, until a flash of pink in the distance caught his eye. Instinct told him he should go back and call Skylar. She had the tools to deal with this, but he didn't. Instead he found himself walking toward the pink fluff.

  When he came closer, he paused. Alice was sitting in the corner of the room under a lily plant with her legs tucked under her. Nick walked to the vending machine in the room at the other end of the wall. He pulled a few dollars from his pocket and bought two chocolate bars from the machine. Without saying a word, he sat next to her.

  He handed her a chocolate bar, opened one and started chewing.

  He sat in silence for a little while, until she started to unwrap the bar.

  Progress. He still didn't know what to say or how to start the conversation. Or maybe he did.

  “What's your dad's name?” he asked.

  “Walter.”

  He continued chewing. “That's a nice name for a dad.”

  She nodded, took a bite of the bar and chewed.

  “What's your daddy's name?” she asked.

  He looked at the half-eaten bar. “I don't have one.”

  She tilted her head as she gazed up at him. “Is that why you're taking mine?”

  Where there should have been dead space in his chest, a sack of quick-drying concrete was dropped in, the kind that took a second to set. “I am sorry about Walter.”

  Alice turned the chocolate bar around in her hand. “He’s sick. Mum says he is very sick and he can't take care of us anymore.”

  Nick nodded. That's what dads did. They took care of their children.

  “Daddy said he will always see me from there.” She pointed to the sky. “And he will always be here.” She stabbed her chest with a chubby finger.

  The ache in his chest increased. “Your Walter is a good man.”

  “Your Walter is a bad man?” she asked.

  From the mouth of babes. He swallowed then nodded.

  Alice smiled. “But you're not bad.”

  That innocent smile jack hammered at his chest, broke all that quick-drying cement. Made him wish for a moment Skye hadn't lost her baby. But it was what he’d wanted. Losing the baby was for the best. Skylar didn't deserve him. No one deserved him.

  “Can I see daddy and mummy now?” Alice asked.

  Nick stood and took her hand. The small hand felt odd in his. He walked with Alice to the resus room, and then watched as she ran to her dad. Her mother mouthed a thank you.

  Nick watched the family for a few more seconds before he left the room.

  Skylar found him in the lounge a while later. “Whatever you said to Alice worked. She’s calmed down.”

  Nick continued to stare at the mug in front of him. He barely heard Skye pull out the chair and sit opposite him in the empty room. He couldn't get Alice's words out of his mind. “But you're not bad.” As much as he wanted to believe, he couldn’t.

  Because fate didn’t change.

  Skylar touched his hand briefly. “I'm sorry for overreacting before. I was scared.”

  He looked past her then brought his attention back. “You need to take things easy.” It was only a few days since she had lost the baby, and she was carrying on as if nothing had happened. He was letting her. He wasn't taking care of her as he should.

  “I'm okay.” She smiled and let go of his hand.

  “I've been thinking about us and your baby.” He met her gaze.

  “Why?” She looked away, bit her lip.

  “I don't know. Maybe it's because of Alice.”

  At the mention of Alice, her gaze found his. She took his hand and squeezed. “I know I’ve been acting strange and saying things that don't make sense, and I’m sorry. You’ve made all these plans to go, and here’s me holding you back. It shouldn't be this way. This is a confusing time for us. For me. I don't want you to put your life on hold because I can't get my act together. It's not your fault. So go.”

  She misunderstood what he was trying to say. He didn't have to go.

  “That's not—”

  Her eyes took on that glassy look. “Look, I know how you feel about all of this.”

  “You do?” He knew she didn’t. Not really. She thought she did. But how could she when he didn’t, not really?

  “Yes, I do. You never wanted any of this. This was a deal-breaker, like you said, and I must have pushed you into this. You made it very clear that children were off the table. How about you go and do your thing? We take some time out.”

  “Is that what you want?” he asked.

  She narrowed her gaze. The lines around her eyes deepened. She sniffed and rubbed her hand across her face. “It is.”

  “We live together. We were going to try.”

  She shook her head. “You hardly call what we do living.”

  He hadn't realized she'd noticed.

  “You're leaving soon.”

  “What are you saying?” Something in his gut told him this was wrong.

  “I don’t know yet. I feel overwhelmed.” She squeezed his hand.

  He wasn't sure what his response to that was meant to be.

  She leaned closer. “I did wrong by you, Nick. I forced this on you because I was scared of being alone. Scared you’d leave me, like everyone in my life has.”

  His heart boomed in his chest with such force that he leaned back. “What are you saying?”

  “I’m sorry. I made the biggest mistake, and I’m so sorry. I never meant for anyone to be hurt. I honestly thought you’d change your mind when it happened. I didn’t know how strong you felt, you see.”

  He drew his lips into a thin line. Was she implying what he thought?

  “You wouldn’t?” the whisper was all he could manage.

  “I love you, Nick. From that first moment I saw you, I loved you. You were this stoic, unreachable ass of a man, and I should have known better. Hell, everybody warned me to stay away from you—”

  “What are you saying? Skylar, what are you saying?” He pulled his hand away from hers.

  She swallowed and looked at him with those emerald eyes filled to the brim with tears. “You were going to leave and go on tour. I was scared. So I stopped taking the pill.”

  No. No. No.

  She couldn’t have done this to him. She loved him. He trusted her. She would never break that trust. It was impossible.

  “Nick, talk to me.” She watched him.

  She lied. Cheated. Betrayed.

  She broke his trust.

  He felt his insides burn until all he felt was sickness.

  The chair scraped on the floor as he pushed it back. He couldn’t look at her.

  “Nick. Please.”

  In the Marine Corps, they taught a man to improvise, adapt and overcome. His hands squeezed so tight. This was a mission he might never adapt or overcome.

  Chapter Six

  “So are we done with time-out, or should I stand to attention and say, 'Permission to speak, sir'?” Skylar asked one afternoon after deciding she'd had enough.

  Fair enough, she made a mistake. Deserved punishment. But this was like marshal law. She was not a Marine.

  Nick stopped momentarily from doing push-ups in the lounge. Then, as if realizing she could wait, he continued with his routine workout.

  Putting down the book she was reading, she pulled herself up. “How long are you going to ignore me?” she asked.

  He did a few more push-ups then lifted himself off the floor. He took the towel from the settee and wiped the sweat off his face.

  “Nick?” she persisted.

  The muscles in his neck tensed. Hell she knew he was in there somewhere. All she needed was a reaction. Something to say he was still here.

  He sighed before turning to her. “You betr
ayed my trust. The one thing I asked for, the one thing.”

  “I'm sorry. Like I said, I never knew you felt so strongly about being a dad. I never understood. Maybe if you’d explained it to me—” She knew this was grasping straws time.

  His laugh couldn’t hide his hurt. “When the time was right, I would have told you.”

  “Can you tell me now?” Her throat constricted. Her eyes burned. “Can you tell me now why there had to be a deal-breaker in the first place? Most marriages don’t have that. Not if two people love each other.” Her voice softened.

  His silence was a painful reminder of the lie still between them.

  His jaw was a solid mass. “You can’t put this on me. You lied. I joined the Marines to get away from the lies and betrayal. Because if you don’t trust the man next to you, you lose your life.”

  Skylar folded her arms, making sure she shielded her unborn child. If Nick had physically used a knife to slit her open, and take her insides out and put her back together in the wrong order, it would feel like this. Exactly like this. There was no way out of this. No way back.

  It was time to make the decision, do what she knew was right. Only she still needed time. “I have an afternoon shift, so I'll see you later.”

  He took his towel and wiped his neck. “I'm on nights, so probably not.”

  She didn't bother to respond. Grabbing her jacket, she made her way out.

  Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

  If she thought this would work, then she was stupid and then some. She put a hand over her tummy and sighed. The only problem was, it wasn't only her this time.

  *****

  “You need to take a break, honey, or you're not going to be good to anyone. You're running on empty.”

  Skylar turned to Judie and pulled out a smile from deep within. “I'm fine.”

  “You’re clearly not. Come on, let's go grab a cuppa. This lot can wait,” she said, casting a glance to the boxes of unpacked stock on the bench.

  After they were both sitting down with steaming cups of tea and a couple of chocolate cookies, Skylar couldn't help but sit back and sigh. It was either that or become a blubbering mess.