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Page 15
“In the ’hood,” Diamond repeated with a chuckle.
“Like you do?” Jalisa snapped back. “Girl, please. Your butt grew up right down the street from us in the burbs, so don’t be frontin’ acting like you from the ’hood. And I don’t know who you’re calling, bourgie. You’re the queen of bourgie.”
“Don’t even try it,” I said, starting to get angry.
“Y’all need to chill on this and talk about something else. Who’s going to dance this week?” Diamond said, attempting to change the conversation.
“Hanging around people who stab other people isn’t exactly what I call fun,” Jalisa continued. “And you don’t either, remember? At least you didn’t.”
“You know what, I thought you guys would understand. I guess I was wrong,” I said.
“Understand what?” Diamond asked.
“Understand that my life is different now. Things can’t be the same as they were before. I live here. I go to school here.”
“So what? You don’t want to be friends with us anymore ’cause of where we live, is that what you’re saying?” Jalisa asked cautiously. It got quiet.
“I didn’t say that,” I said quickly, as I felt my heart lurch. “It’s just that everything is different.”
“We’re not different, Kenisha,” Diamond said. “We’re exactly the same as we always were.”
“And you’re not either. You just think you are ’cause you’re mad. You’re moving too fast, Kenisha. You need to slow down and chill.”
“I’m not mad,” I said calmly.
“Yeah, you are. You’ve been mad for awhile,” Diamond said.
“It’s true,” Jalisa added.
“I’m not mad,” I reiterated. “I’m fine. I just don’t see why everybody’s acting all different. Nobody understands anymore.”
“Maybe you should talk to that guy again,” Diamond offered.
“What guy?”
“That guy from school. The doctor, the shrink.”
“Dr. Tubbs? What, you think I’m crazy now?” I asked.
“No, nobody’s saying that. I think…” Jalisa started, then stopped.
“…We think you’ve been mad and pissed off for awhile. Maybe that’s why you’ve been fighting. Maybe you need to talk to somebody about how not to be mad anymore.”
“What if something happens, like you get in real trouble?”
“Nothing’s gonna happen,” I said, “Y’all are trippin’.”
“We’re just worried about you.”
“Yeah,” Diamond added.
“I’m fine. I gotta go, I have homework to do. I’ll talk to y’all later,” I said quickly, then hung up. This was getting stupid. I had no idea what was up with everybody. So what if I snuck out? So what if I hung out at a club when somebody got stabbed? It’s no big deal. So what?
sixteen
No Exit
“I stood in a dark place, scared, alone, devoid of form and feeling, devoid of light and laughter, devoid of love. If I call out will anyone hear me? I don’t know anymore.”
—MySpace.com
Monday morning I staggered out of bed and went to school. Of course everybody was talking about what happened at Ursula’s party Friday night and also about the go-go club Saturday night. Everybody who wasn’t there wanted to know what happened, and everybody who was there became an instant celebrity. I was at both, so that made me the shit.
I wasn’t in a great mood, but I dealt with it. After school, I stayed for the extra class I was taking in English lit. We’d already finished reading two books and were now working on a poetry section. I was assigned to read and analyze “The Negro Speaks of Rivers” by Langston Hughes. I had to write an essay. I read the poem a few times. I wasn’t impressed. Then, when I read it a third time, I understood. He wasn’t talking about rivers. He was talking about freedom. I started thinking about the idea of rivers being a simile for life and freedom. It made sense.
I wrote my essay the next day with that in mind. I equated it to feeling the loss of my mother and feeling misplaced by everything around me. It was probably some of my best work. I left school feeling great, but it was also weird. There was nobody to tell. I wanted to tell my girls about the essay, but I still hadn’t spoken with either Diamond or Jalisa. It had been two days. We usually talk at least twice a day. The week was just about half over and neither of us called the other. I still don’t get what they were talking about. I hadn’t changed, not really. I was the same person I was before.
I don’t know. But they were still my girls, even if they didn’t get it. Then there was lawn mower guy, but I didn’t need to think about him until the weekend, maybe. That is if he actually decided to show up. I still wanted to know what the drama was between him and Darien.
I walked home from school late Tuesday afternoon thinking about everything I had to do for the weekend. There was a party I was invited to, but I decided not to go. My Hazelhurst exam was over, but I still needed to stay on top of my studies. I was making a mental list when I heard my name called. I turned around.
“Kenisha, Kenisha. Girl, you hear me calling you.”
Li’l T was standing there like he didn’t recognize me. He probably didn’t. Lately, I guess, I didn’t recognize me either.
“What’s up with you, Kenisha? You been weird all week.”
“I’ve been busy,” I said disinterestedly, then turned to start walking again. He walked beside me. We talked about school and then about the thing over the weekend.
“So, I saw your girls at Freeman yesterday. They looked pretty good. What happened to you? Why weren’t you there?”
“Busy. Remember? I just told you,” I snapped. The fact that Diamond and Jalisa went to Freeman Monday without telling me kind of hurt and made me mad. I don’t know what they thought they were doing. I knew they had been talking about me behind my back.
“Yeah, I get your busy. So what are you gonna be?”
“What?” I asked getting annoyed for some reason. Li’l T was okay and all, but sometimes he was like a mosquito, always buzzing around and being annoying. “You mean career-wise?”
“Nah, for Halloween on Friday.”
Great, that’s the last thing I was thinking about, running around in a costume taking candy from strangers. “I think I’m a little old to be trick-or-treating.”
“Aw, come on, it’s fun. You remember fun, right?” he asked. I didn’t say anything. I was remembering. “You know, I think you better chill on hanging with D. He ’bout to get you all tricked out, too.”
“What makes you think I’m hanging with Darien?” I asked.
He looked at me and then just shook his head. “Dude gonna get you all messed up if you’re not careful.”
“I’m not messed up. I’m fine,” I stated firmly.
“Sure you are. You acting just like him, all angry and pissed off at everybody for no reason, just like Sierra.”
“What do you mean, just like Sierra?”
“And we won’t even mention Cassie,” he added.
“Cassie, what about Cassie?”
“Forget it, never mind,” he said still walking. “You’re probably too far gone into him anyway.”
“No, tell me, what about Cassie. Were they together or something?” I asked catching up to him.
“Yeah, you can say that.” He smirked sarcastically.
“Come on, tell me. I want to know.”
“Kenisha,” Darien called out from across the street. He was leaning against his car. I didn’t even see him there.
Li’l T looked at me and then looked across the street, then back at me. He shook his head. “Later,” he said, then walked away.
“Yeah, later,” I said, standing there seeing him leave. I didn’t get it. What was the big deal? It seemed that everybody was always hating on Darien. Jalisa, Diamond, Terrence, Ursula, Sierra, Li’l T and even my grandmother was acting like she was hating on him. I didn’t get it. As far as I could see he was fine.
&nbs
p; “Kenisha,” Darien called out impatiently.
I walked across the street. “Hey, what’s up?” I said.
“Come on. I’ll give you a ride home.”
“A’ight,” I said, and then I got in the car. He didn’t say anything more, he just drove off. We came to the street near my grandmother’s house, and he turned the corner. It was obvious that we weren’t going straight there. “So where have you been lately?” I asked, just to make conversation.
“So you sweatin’ me now?”
“I just asked you a question. It’s no big deal,” I huffed.
“I’m just stressin’. I had to take care of some business.”
“Business, like from last weekend?”
“Yeah.”
“That guy you left the club with, what happened to him?”
“I don’t know,” he lied.
“He got stabbed, right?”
He pulled the car to a smooth stop at a traffic signal then looked over at me and shrugged. “He deserved it, no vital organs.”
“Isn’t that kind of cold? I thought he was a friend.”
“He’s a business associate who needs to step up.”
So, instead of going straight to my grandmother’s house or even staying in D.C., he headed over to Montgomery County. He said he needed to drop off something at his friend’s house. About fifteen minutes later we pulled up in front of this townhouse. He got out and went inside. A few minutes later he came out. “Hey, come on in for a minute.”
“Why? I need to get home.”
“Come on. I want to introduce you to a friend of mine.”
I got out and followed him into the house. We went into the kitchen. There were two girls standing at the counter. They looked like they’d just walked off the set of a rap video. One had on a micromini with a fishnet top and black bra, and the other had on tight shorts and a low cut shirt. I looked totally out of place. “A’ight, Kenisha, this is Dantee. He’s a friend.”
“Hi,” I said half smiling, looking him directly in the eyes. He, on the other hand was checking out my breasts.
“She a’ight man. She is pretty. You should have her stop by the party tomorrow and make friends. She like to dance, right?”
“Oh, yeah, she can dance. She go to one of those dance schools in D.C. She can seriously dance, and she has friends who dance, too. Yo, yo, man, she know Tyrece Grant, too. Gonna hook a brotha up.” They bumped fists. I just shook my head.
“Get out, she know Tyrece? That’s tight. Yeah, bring her to the party tomorrow night. She can dance. If she any good, she can stop by the club after that.”
“Excuse me, I’m standing right here,” I said sarcastically. Dantee and the two girls standing there looked at me, then at Darien. “What?” I asked but nobody said anything. They just started talking about something else.
I stood right there while they talked like I wasn’t there. Talk about being ignored. I didn’t say anything more, but hell, no, there was no way I was coming to no stupid party here tomorrow night or any other night. All I wanted to do now is go home. Darien finally finished his business, and the guy reminded him again to bring me to the party before we left.
We were walking back to the car, and I just had to say something to him. “So at what point did I not exist in there? You and your friend were talking like I wasn’t even on the planet, let alone in the room.”
“That’s how he do,” he said, as if that was an explanation.
“Well, it’s rude and disrespectful. You keep talking about how you want respect. Well, you need to learn how to show respect, too.”
“Whatever, so let’s go over to my dad’s crib. He’s away, but we can hang out.”
“No thanks,” I said. “I need to get home and do homework.”
“Don’t be stressing all that studying stuff.”
“I need to get home,” I repeated again. The tone in my voice was unmistakable. I was pissed and he knew it.
He sighed loud and long, like I was messing up his world or something. Truthfully, I really didn’t care. It was a long day, a long week, and all I wanted to do was go home and chill. After much debate and cussing under his breath, Darien finally dropped me off down the street from my grandmother’s house. I could tell he was pissed, but I really didn’t care. I needed to seriously rethink this whole hanging out with Darien thing. He was in a whole other league than me. Drugs, alcohol, violence, Darien was moving way too fast. Keeping up with him was crazy.
When I walked up the street, I saw my dad’s car parked out front. I was so glad I made Darien drop me off down the street. I walked up the brick path. My dad and grandmother were standing on the porch talking. “Hey, there she is,” my dad said.
“Hi, Grandmom. Hey, Dad,” I said hugging him. “I didn’t know you were stopping by today.”
“I stopped by to see my favorite girl, although you almost missed me. Where were you?”
“I stayed after school.”
“Detention?” he asked, suddenly looking concerned.
“No, it’s something like an advanced English lit class. I was bored in the regular class, so the teacher put together this accelerated class. It’s pretty tight. I like it. He teaches stuff like at Hazelhurst, but it’s mostly self study.”
“I’m going to start dinner. James, you sure you can’t stay a while longer and join us?” my grandmother asked.
“No, but maybe next time,” Dad said, as my grandmother went back inside the house.
“So, how’s Penn Hall treating you?”
“Fine, I took the Hazelhurst admissions exam last Saturday.”
“How do you think you did?”
I crossed my fingers. “Hopefully I nailed it.”
He nodded. “Good, now that’s what I want to hear. Congratulations, I’m proud of you. Well, I gotta get home. Why don’t you stop by this weekend? The boys are looking forward to seeing you. Oh and bring your friend.”
“What friend?” I asked, hoping he wasn’t talking about Cassie, since we really hadn’t talked much since Ursula’s party. All of a sudden she was hanging with Sierra. Strange.
“Terrence,” my dad said.
“Terrence?” I asked.
“That’s right. Your father knows a little something that’s going on in your life. Why don’t you two come up to the house Saturday? I’d like to meet this new boyfriend.”
“Dad, it’s not even like that.”
“What’s it like then,” he asked.
“We’re friends, buddies, that’s it.”
“Fine, I’d like to meet your friend, buddy, that’s it.”
“Dad,” I moaned, hoping that would move him to change his mind. Apparently it didn’t ’cause he just smiled at me blankly. “Well, see, he just came off line, so I don’t know what he’s doing this weekend.”
“I know what he’s doing. He’s coming to the house.”
“I’ll see, okay, maybe.”
“All right, I have to go.” He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “Be good and listen to your grandmother. I’ll see you Saturday, baby girl.”
I waited until he drove off. Then, I picked up my book bag and went inside. I usually either head straight to my bedroom or to the kitchen, but this time for some reason I stopped in the living room. I plopped in the closest chair and just sat there. I looked up at the pictures on the wall. My crazy family was looking down at me.
My grandmother once told me that my past becomes my future. At the time I had no idea what that meant. She was also talking about seeing other people standing on land mines. I didn’t get that either then, but now I think I was beginning to see what she meant. Maybe it was because I was reading and analyzing Langston Hughes or something but I was starting to understand what she was talking about. It was a perception thing.
What’s crazy or unorthodox to some might be perfectly sane to others. I wondered about that then remembered what Diamond, Jalisa and Li’l T said. Maybe they were the ones seeing clearly. Was I all messed up?
“I think it’s that kind of life,” I said.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
I shook my head. There was nothing to say. I knew she wouldn’t get it. She’s sixty-something years old and stays in church all the time. There’s no way she’d understand my drama. I don’t even understand my drama. “Nothing,” I muttered.
“On the contrary, it’s definitely something. Anytime you’re going to sneak out of my house in the middle of the night to hang out with some boy, it’s something.”
Okay. I think I stopped breathing. “Grandmom…”
“Denial would be insulting to both of us, so don’t,” she said.
Damn. “Yes, I snuck out Saturday night,” I said, quietly. “I’m sorry.”
“No, Kenisha, you’re not contrite. You got caught. You’re sorry about that, fine. But it’s not about sneaking out. It’s about trust and respect. You messed up. You lost both.”
I closed my eyes then opened them slowly. This wasn’t the same as when my mom was alive. I never snuck out of the house, but sneaking in was always a breeze. “So, you don’t trust or respect me anymore?” I asked.
“It’s not about me, Kenisha, it’s about you. Given what you did, do you trust or respect yourself, your ability to make sound choices and good decisions?”
“The choices we make are the choices we live with.” I heard myself repeating my mother’s mantra.
“Exactly. Can you live with the choices you’ve made lately?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. You’ve been spiraling around here like a spinning top out of control, bumping into things, stumbling, but still spinning faster and faster. You know that won’t last.”
“But it’s different here. It’s not the same as before.”
“No, it’s not, but right is right, no matter where you are. Don’t use that as an excuse.”