Come Back To Me.

by G. V. Steitz

  “Wow, sweetheart, that is wonderful! Are you going to see him again?

  I was looking at both of these people, in utter shock. “What is wrong with you two? No I am not going to see him again. I didn’t even give him my name. Uh uh, nooooo way seeing him again.” I explained, waiting for their plea again for me finding someone to love and share enjoy the rewards come with a committed relationship. “Are you both crazy?”

  “No, Sweetheart, listen. Rick wouldn’t want you to be this depressed and sad this long. Get back out there in the living.” Mom told me. I just continued to shake my head no without stopping until she stopped.

  “I can’t betray Rick like that Mom.” I told her as I played with the slice of lemon in my tea.

  “Peanut, you are not betraying Rick. Honey, look… You know if it were the other way around you wouldn’t want him to be doing this to himself. Would you?” Dad asked me as he laid his warm hand over my fist trying to calm me down.

  “No, of course not, but that’s different.” I answered; trying to hide my expression was short lived. Dad lifted my chin with his other hand, forcing me to look back at him with desperation in my eyes, I did.

  Dad grinned at me. “Why can’t you allow yourself to find love again? Rick wouldn’t want to see you suffering like this honey. I know it hurts us to see you so lost. Why are you doing this to yourself?” Dad asked with true sincerity. My eyes, welling up as I stay forced to look back into his worried eyes. I blinked the first set of tears out from my eyes. “I’m afraid.” I whispered. “I’m afraid of loosing what little I have left of him Dad.” I admitted out loud for the first time.

  “Oh baby, are you worried about loosing us?” He asked gently. I only offered a nod because I couldn’t find the voice inside me any longer. “You will always be a part of our family sweetie. Always. I would hope to see you walk down the isle one day. I know we aren’t your real parents in the sense, but it doesn’t make us feel less of parents to you. We know how much you miss and still love Rick. Believe me, we understand, we do too. But life goes on. Rick made sure a part of him would go on, and you wasting away in his memory won’t bring him back to you sweetie. The best thing you can do for Rick is live for him. Enjoy the life you still have here, right now. We will always love you peanut. You will always be a daughter to us. You know we will always welcome you in our home with open arms. Our home, no matter where it is, will always be your home.” Dad ended his speech; however my tears were only coming out harder and faster. I crumbled up in his arms and Dad rocked me, holding me into his warm embrace, cooing and rubbing my back. “Shhh. It’s ok peanut. We know…” He offered.

  Pulling him into me more, wringing his shirt in my tight fists. I gasped, trying to take in much needed air from my silent screams that wouldn’t allow me to inhale. “I miss him so, so much Dad. Why did God have to take him from us? I can hardly breath sometimes I miss him so much.” I cried even harder into Dad’s now drenched shirt. I felt Mom come up behind me, rubbing my back, and running her hands through my hair, trying to comfort me. The three of us stayed like that for awhile. I think it was the first time I let it all out with them since we lost Rick.

  I spent the night at Rick’s parent’s house and I did what I always do to feel closer to Rick. I ran up to his bedroom, the same bedroom he left when we both got our apartment together, 6 months before he died. Rick’s parents have wanted to pack up his things, and I begged them not to. Finally deciding to show at least the effort of getting past this loss in my heart, I decided to honor their wishes and let his things go. I pulled all of his clothes out from his drawers and from the closet, and hid underneath all of them on his single bed. I just tried to inhale any scent of him that remained on his clothing. I cried into the clothes, wishing to feel him in my arms one more day, wishing for his gentle kisses to calm me down. Even though all I had left was the memories I kept so tight to my heart, never wanting to forget one detail of our time together. No, now the closest I would come to his warm embrace would be in my dreams at night.

  3.

  After having spent the next day after Valentine’s Day, helping Rick’s parents pack up his things and bring them in for donation at our local Red Cross donation center, I went home and crawled back into our bed. Mine and Rick’s that we shared. That night, after I was all cried out, I took off my engagement ring for the first time and placed it on my nightstand next to his picture. I didn’t think it was possible, yet here I was, crying again. I considered it a victory. I made it 7 minutes before putting it back on my finger. I nearly felt I was suffocating without his ring on. No, I needed to keep it right where Rick placed it.

  A few weeks had gone by since that last episode. I was at work, doing my mindless job of research at the marketing firm I worked at. I will never forget that fateful March morning when I got that call from Rick’s parents.

  “Hi Mom.” I answered my cell phone, seeing the caller id, knowing it was her.

  “Sweetheart, you will never guess what I got in the mail today.” She sounded like she won the lottery.

  “Uh-huh, what’s that mom?” I said, not sounding in the least interested in some chain letter or some trip they “won” supposedly, only to find out it was a time share bit to get them suckered into.

  “We received a letter from a gentleman who received Rick’s heart in a transplant surgery.” Mom told me, causing me to freeze in my tracks immediately.

  “What???” I was in shock.

  “Yes, he wrote us and wants to meet us. He said that the hospital wouldn’t release our information for a period of time because of the pain of loosing the loved one who donated his organs to others in need. Then he explained in the letter he was saddened with the knowledge of having us lost a loved one, only to save his life in the aftermath.” Mom continued. “So he has on here that he would like us to meet him at the bakery in town. You know that place called Elena’s?” Mom asked me. “Dallas, are you there?”

  “Oh, sorry Mom, I’m just in shock. I am shaking like a leaf over here. Are you going to meet him?” I asked, wondering what would be proper announcement for such a meeting. ‘Hi, thanks for your son dying in order to save my life. Would you like a donut?’ was about all I could come up with.”

  “I know dear. But I wanted to see if you would come with us. You know, you are the closest we have to a child, and well… You were Rick’s life. I only find it fitting you be there with us. What do you think?”

  “That is a loaded question Ma.” I said in a long exhausted sigh. “If it will make you and Dad happy, I will be there.” I offered up in a not so excited response to the invite.

  “Oh thank heavens. I am so relieved you will be with us. We are supposed to meet at the bakery at 1 pm. Next Saturday. Will you be ok with that?” Mom asked eagerly.

  “Sure Mom. I’ll be there.” I confirmed before I told her I loved her and hung up.

  After getting home from work that night, I decided to start searching for that perfect outfit to wear in congratulating the winner of my fiancé’s heart. His HEART! Of all things, we needed to meet some asshole who needed his heart! I realize it is not the recipient who I am mad at. I am glad he was able to survive with Rick’s heart. I was just furious at Rick for having to leave me, to give it to someone else. His HEART!

  That day for meeting Rick’s heart recipient finally arrived with no extra excitement. I was afraid of what I might say or do with the person in front of us. Thanking us for Rick’s heart. I kept telling myself that Rick wanted this and he wanted to offer any help he could to someone in need. Yeah, well, I was in need. Why did you have to offer your heart to someone other than me? I put together my outfit. Keeping it simple, I wore black slacks and a white ruffled blouse. I did my hair in a low knot at the bottom of my head. Simple application of foundation, mascara, and mate lip stick in a soft dusty rose color not too dark, just giving enough for color to my lips. I packed a bunch of Kleenex and my migraine medication. I put on my huge Jackie Kennedy sun glasses to cover my face
in this meeting. I didn’t know what or who to expect. I just wanted it to be over, and that was how I felt before I even left my house to actually go meet this person. I can’t wait to see how I feel when I am actually in his presence.

  I walked in to the bakery, hoping this was all a dream. Praying they cancelled some how. That would have been too easy of course. I spotted my never to be in-laws and walked over towards them. Kissing them both hellos, I ordered coffee and plopped down next to them, not removing my sun glasses.

  “You ok peanut?” Dad asked.

  “Never better.” I spit out, sounding dry and very not interested in being here sort of tone.

  Mom seemed excited to meet this person. Dad was happy to see Mom happy, and I was concentrating on my coffee, and fixing it the way I like it, trying not to say or think anything when I heard the man come up to all of us. I froze.

  “Excuse me; are you Mr. & Mrs. Keller?” The deep voice from the mystery man asked. Keeping my head down, I didn’t want to face him just yet. I took a deep breath, and tried to calm my nerves. My hands were shaking like I was a junkie, crashing from withdrawn on not getting my needed fix.

  “Yes, we are.” Mom stated.

  “It’s an honor to meet you. I’m Charles Bosco, the heart recipient from your son’s selfless donation. It’s an honor to meet his family.” He said, sounding very somber, which made me a little happy. At least this guy wasn’t jumping for joy or anything.

  After the hand shakes and introductions between the three of them, I knew my time was coming to an end from hiding my face from this person.

  “This is Dallas. Dallas was Rick’s fiancé. We asked her to come with us to meet you today.” Dad said with a little nudge, causing me to sigh and slowly pull my face up to meet the person caring the love of my life’s heart in his body.

  The look on both our faces was I am sure something like the American Indians gave Christopher Columbus. Something like, I didn’t know you existed. And we both, frozen in place, didn’t move or say a word. After a few moments of trying to collect myself, Dad cleared his throat, causing me to realize my mouth was hanging open due to complete shock to my system. “It’s you.” I whispered.

  “I can’t believe we meet again, and of all the possible situations, it is this.” Charlie from the cemetery I said quietly and as equally sounding as surprised as I did.

  “Do you two know each other?” Dad asked looking back and forth between us.

  “Dad, this is that man I was telling you about I met in the cemetery when I went to visit Rick.” I said, not moving my eyes from Charlie’s as I spoke, still not believing what I was seeing.

  “Oh, my Lord! This is unbelievable!” Mom recited like we seen Rick’s body rise from ground, floating up to heaven.

  “Is this some of sick joke you are playing on my family ‘Charlie’, if that is even your real name.” I grounded out between my clinched teeth as I ripped off my sun glasses so he could hopefully burn from the laser flames I wanted to shoot out from my eye’s, incinerating him right in front of us.

  “I’m not joking. I have documentation right here.” Charlie takes the paper work out and hands it to Rick’s Dad, who is certainly my dad as well and I will protect him.

  “Sweetheart, it’s all here. Charlie is the recipient. Here. Look.” Dad offered me the papers trying to contain my death wish I have on this man in front of us.

  Taking the papers from Rick’s dad, I look them over, realizing this isn’t some sick joke. This is real, and Charlie in fact does have Rick’s heart.

  Dropping the documents on the table, I could no longer hear anything going on in front of me. All I can hear is Rick, sounding so serene. Talking to me as he lays in my arms, dying from the horrific accident we were in, causing us to loose him shortly after arriving at the hospital. I can only hear my cries, and whales, begging him to come back to me. To stay with me. Not to leave me. And then I thought about what I just told myself. Begging Rick to ‘come back to me.’ I said out loud in a whisper.

  “What did you say peanut?” Dad asked me, snapping my out of my memory, my memory of Rick dying in my arms. “Huh…”

  “I asked what you said. Something about coming back?” Dad asked again, causing me to shoot my eyes back over to Charlie. “I need to leave.” I barely spit out in a whisper. “I need to leave Dad. I can’t stay.” I stated a bit stronger as I was moving myself from my seat, collecting my purse and jacket, I placed a twenty on the table to cover my parents beverages and pastries if they so choose to partake in the festivities. I needed to leave before I went crazy. “I can’t do this. Please forgive me. Dad, Mom… I just can’t.” I said, leaning over to kiss my ‘would have been’ father in law, and then over to my ‘should have been’ mother in law. Shoving the sun glasses back onto my face to hide behind them, trying to protect my heart from breaking any further.

  “Please, don’t leave. I wanted to talk with you.” Charlie said as he stood up, looking as desperate as I felt inside.

  “I can’t.” I whispered, looking down I made my way to the door, running to my car. As I made my mad dash for the car, I realized I was in no shape to drive. Although, killing myself would probably bring me to Rick quicker than muddling through this life of mine. I turned and took off on foot to walk. And walk I did. In fact, it was now dark, and I had no clue as to where I was now. I don’t even know how I got where I am standing; I was in a field or something. I felt as desolate as the field I stood in. Deserted and lost. I fell to my knees, sobbing like I hadn’t cried in forever when really, I have been crying nearly every day. And then it began to rain. As it rained, I begged for lightening to hit me, to strike me dead right then and there. Of course, I wouldn’t be so lucky. No, I was doomed to stay here on this earth without Rick.

  “Dallas… Dallas? Is that you Dallas?” I heard through my cries and the storm falling from heaven down on top of me. As if I was being washed of my entire heart ache, I looked up and seen Charlie running over towards me. I don’t remember anything after looking up, watching Charlie running over towards me, yelling my name out. I was exhausted from my mind replaying everything that happened that last night with Rick. I just couldn’t process anything more. I was numb. And not numb from the cold rain. I was numb from my emotions and having been through them all within a week, am mentally and physically draining.

  I was watching my life with Rick, dancing and happy. I was dreaming of him. That much I knew. I watched both of us, spending an afternoon together in a field of wild flowers. Tumbling around, laughing and kissing. We were talking and saying things to one another, although I couldn’t hear them as I watched the moment unfold in front of me. The warmth of the sun, shining down on us, the light breeze, wrapping the fragrance of the wild flowers all around us, Rick and me in a loving and passionate embrace. And after that magical moment in the peaceful bubble I seen us in, I watched as Rick stood up and began to walk away. Walking towards the sun setting and letting my hand go as he moved in slow motion. I seen myself reaching out for him, I couldn’t get up for some reason. I just kept begging Rick to come back to me. I wrapped my arms around myself and bent over from my body in severe pain.

  “Come Back to Me. Rick… Please… Come back to me…”

  4.

  “Shhh….. Dallas, wake up… You are dreaming. Dallas…” I heard someone calling me to wake from my dream. And no sooner did I open my eyes, looking around not knowing where I was, I seen him… “Charlie.” I whispered.

  “Hi. How are you feeling? You want me to make you some dinner?” He asked me as I looked around.

  “Where in the hell am I?” I asked looking around the masculine style bedroom. I lay in the middle of a huge, king size cherry wood sleigh bed.

  “You’re at my place. I found you in the field across town on my way back home after seeing, um… Your parents?” He asked as he was unsure of what to call Rick’s parents to me.

  Finally, looking over myself, I was wrapped up in a heavy, down feather comforter. It was
deep rich chocolate suede-like brown. “WHAT! WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?” I screamed making sure I was completely covered.

  Charlie was sitting on the edge of the bed still after waking me from my dream turned into nightmare. “Relax please… You are going to give yourself a heart attack. Shit, I mean… Look, I didn’t pay attention to anything ok? Your lips were blue for Christ sake. Did you expect me to leave you in the field, during a rain storm, unconscious? Really? I just needed to get you out of your freezing wet clothes and warmed up.” Charlie tried to reassure me with his supposedly ‘best intentions’ which I LOOSELY considered as innocent. However, looking up into his bright green eyes, he looking anything but innocent, making my cheeks warm from the embarrassment I was feeling.

  “You’re clothes are in the dryer. I will go get them for you. In the mean time, if you like to use the shower, feel free. I laid out some warmer clothes for you to change into if you want to.” He offered as he picked himself up from the side of the bed he was sitting on, walking towards the door. I didn’t say anything. I just watched him. Right before he walked out, Charlie didn’t look back at me, he just slowly lowered his head as if he were just defeated in some fight and took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I’m really sorry for your loss.” Charlie said softly before walking out of the bedroom door, gently closing it behind him.

  A chill ran through me after he left, making me shiver from what he said. Maybe it was really how he sounded when he said it. I wrapped the comforter around me as I got out of this amazingly comfortable bed, padding over to the bathroom as quickly as I could. Once inside the huge bathroom, looking more like a spa, I locked the door and examined myself in the mirror. “Real nice. Here in my white lace bra and panty set, and he wants me to believe he didn’t ‘see’ anything! HA!” I said to myself in the mirror. As much as I would like to take a hot bath in that humungous Jacuzzi tub, I thought this clown could be some sort of serial killer. Then again, he has Rick’s heart. I doubt he was anything but good. I think. I took off my wet bra and panties, my skin still cold. Of course luck would have it that my nipples we practically piercing through the wet lace as it were. Charlie had laid out a pair of boxer’s, a pair of sweat pants, a t-shirt, and a sweat shirt. I put them all on. Rolling the sweats down at my waist since they would be up to my arm pits if I didn’t and rolled up the sleeves on the sweat shirt since those were twice as long as my arms, I looked like a wet noodle. I took a bath towel from the pile, wrapping my long wet, tangled hair up in it and grabbed my bra and panties to put in my purse. Great. He has my purse… I peeked out the bathroom door, and the bedroom was empty so I quickly got back to the bed, finding my purse on the nightstand, I grabbed it and jumped back onto the high raised bed, wrapping the comforter back around me to hide under. By the time Charlie came back I was trying to brush the knots out of my hair, with the brush I had in my purse. It was a real battle with all the tangles and knots. Getting frustrated, I yelled at the door when a soft knock came. “Come in!” I said just shy of a yell.