by K. S. Adkins
“Who’s tits?”
“Kelly’s, you fuckwit,” he growls. “Kelly lets you stare, Lina not so much. Ergo, I stare at Kelly’s tits. And I give her free beer. Fuck off, it works.”
Walking back out to my car I find myself reluctant to put it in drive. She’s buying a house. She left my key and she’s leaving me. Driving home that night I opened a bottle of red wine, said “fuck the glass” and sat on my couch wondering how I could have made such progress with her only to fuck it up like this.
Dialing my only real friend, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t answer. When he needed me, I left him hanging out to dry. But when he does answer, I’m reminded why he is a better man than I.
“Any luck?”
“She left with her friend Kelly,” I tell him. “She’s a realtor, I guess. The guy at Batch said they were talking about looking at houses tomorrow.”
“Hang on,” he says. “I’m putting you on speaker.”
After a moment, he’s back with Jules. “Uh, so Kelly and Lina go back a bit,” she says, cautiously. “They met at roller derby and used to cause quite a bit of trouble together. Lina bought a house from her a while ago but she sold it ---”
“I know why she sold it,”
“You do? Why did she sell it?”
“Another time,” I tell her. “I want her back. How do I do that?”
“I wish I had an answer, Tony,” she says quietly. “Lina does what she wants.”
“Where is the realtor’s office?”
“Look,” says Jules, “I’m all for helping out here, but there is no way I’m telling you where she works. That’s not fair to Lina or to you.”
“Care to explain that?”
“Kelly is kind of… off.”
“Off how?”
“She loves Lina. You show up demanding things, she’s going to put a serious hurt on you. I will tell you this though, she’s about three inches taller than Lina. Two toned hair, big boobs, tattoos and carries an arsenal the DPD is jealous of. You’ll know her if you see her. The two of them together tend to stand out.”
“That doesn’t help at all.”
“Tony,” Max says, “maybe you should let her come to you?”
“She won’t come to me,” I argue. “That’s the problem.”
“If I hear from her, I’ll let you know,” he says, then pauses. “Sorry, my wife says we’re team Lina right now.”
“Jules please,” I beg her. “I need her back.”
“You should have thought of that before you had a tantrum about her practicing safe sex. Who demands babies like that? You make no sense, Tony. If I were her, I’d be flipping out but she didn’t. She’s all for birthing your team someday, but you did the alpha thing and look where that got you. You followed her, right? Did you not learn anything from that? Lina is very careful about who she trusts, and to me it looks like she trusted you a lot. She saw something in you, Tony. Something no one else saw. Don’t forget that.”
“Thank you for your time,” I mumble. “Both of you.”
“Tony wait,” she says softly, “She’s not in a bar. She’s in a hotel and before you demand it, I will not tell you where. Kelly is married with a daughter, so they don’t start bar fights much anymore. If Lina is buying a house, that’s a huge step for her. If you do find her, let her tell you why before you assume anything, okay?”
“Thank you, Jules.”
I don’t go up to our bed that night. I fall asleep on the couch in case there’s a knock on the door. If I don’t get her back, I’ll never step foot in my bedroom again. It’s not a bedroom without her in it. Jules was right though, she’s the first, the only, to see beyond the exterior to the heart of me. Fuck, she had my number the first time she laid eyes on me, but wanted me anyway.
She saw past the façade and wanted the man just as he was. I should have done the same for her and I didn’t. My parents would not only be ashamed, they would have taken her side too. Especially if they knew the son they raised to be honest wasn’t very honest at all.
Now I’m no expert on home ownership, but when a roof leaks, I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to fix it. When my mother asked my father to do it, he told her she was free to climb up on to the roof and fix it herself. Hence the leak. Neither one of them fixed or maintained anything, ever. Not their home, their finances, their daughter or their marriage.
Lazy fuckers.
Studying with the drip out in the hall was tolerable, mainly because I thought it was funny. Buckets were placed to catch the drops and towels surrounded the buckets. Very well thought-out, really when all they needed to do was replace the shingle that slid down. I googled it and I could have done it myself, but this was much more entertaining. Making myself a promise that one day when I owned a home, I’d care for it and be proud of myself for being able to do most of my own repairs.
Independence. I liked that shit.
Running on almost zero sleep and a serious case of the Monday’s, I’m at my bank when it opens. Getting a cashier’s check for twenty-five large, I practically skip back to my truck to head to Birmingham to meet up with Kelly. We chat for a few, I initial and sign, then I’m back on the freeway when it hits me. I’m a homeowner. Normally the thought of being tied to anything would send me floating, or to the nearest bar but, I knew it was time and it felt right.
Kelly called the listing agent last night and offered them cash for the house. They said yes and so it’s done. In a few days we’ll close once the title is clear, I’ll have a real address. Kelly asked the sellers if I could get keys early to measure, etc., and they didn’t care, so here I am enroute to my house. Weird.
Dialing Jules, I hope she’s up and free, because I want her and Max to see it. “Good morning,” she says, yawning. “You’re up early.”
“Morning sunshine,” I offer. “Do you and the hubs have any plans in say, fifteen minutes?”
“No, why?”
“Put your shoes on, make me a coffee and meet me at this address,” I say, giving her the numbers.
“Wait, this is like four houses down from us,” she says, confused.
“See you in fifteen,” I say, cheerily hanging up.
Cranking up the tunes, I smile all the way back. I only slightly lose my smile when I think of Anthony’s reaction. If he doesn’t like it, I can always sell it, but I really want him to like it. I want to show him I can commit. Maybe not with babies right now but, I feel like a house makes a statement.
Rounding the corner I see the newlyweds peeking in the windows. Well, actually I see Max peeking in the windows; Jules is waving to me from the porch with my coffee. I have a porch!
“You bought this, didn’t you?” she asks as I hop down from my truck.
“Do you mind being neighbors with me?” I ask taking my drink from her.
“Are you kidding?” she squeals spilling half of hers. “This is fucking awesome, Lina!”
“Hey Max,” I say, hugging him around the waist. Jules looks shocked to see me hugging anyone, but I like to hug my friends now, so what?
“Hey squirt,” he says, squeezing me back. “You must have really like my porch,” he jokes.
“I did! So much that I wanted one just like it and I wanted to bug the piss out of you two. Want to go in?”
Opening the door, I look for a place to set the key, but since it’s vacant, I just leave it in my pocket. “Where’s your room?” Jules asks.
“Good question, I have no idea.”
“Huh?”
“This is the first time I’ve been in it,” I admit. “So your guess is as good as mine.”
“How much did this run you?” Max asks, looking at the kitchen, which is surprisingly gross.
“Twenty-five,” I tell him. “But I think it’s going to take another twenty-five to make it livable.”
“I’m just a few houses down,” he says, picking a cupboard door up that fell off when he opened it. “I did the work on my house myself, I’m happy to help a neighbor.�
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“Since I’m currently one handed, that would be awesome.”
“I also have a team of large men at your disposal,” Jules says, peeking in the hall closet. “Feed them and they’re yours.”
Once we’ve inspected the house, they leave and I go back through to make sure everything is secure before leaving myself to head to Anthony’s. Oddly enough, there is one chair sitting in the corner of what would be a kid’s room due to size alone. It’s the perfect room, really. Hardwood floors, south facing, so the sun lights the space and far enough away so the kid isn’t woken up with noise. Taking a seat, I crisscross my legs, happy to just stare out of the dirty broken window while sipping my coffee. I can leave in a few, right now, though I see a future here, my future which should frighten me, but it doesn’t because it’s time for me to move on with my life.
I knew I needed to put roots down, grow up a bit and cease with the running. Anthony wanted a future with me and this gesture was as much for me as it was for him. It was for us. If this is love, I can get down with it. Who knew love could make you do all sorts of crazy shit? I do know one thing, love is expensive. But hell, money can be replaced. He cannot. Staring straight ahead I feel myself wanting to float, needing to, and so I do.
I’ve never floated to a location before, this is new. I’m used to dead space where it’s dark and quiet. Sometimes I’d use the space to run, or swim, but mostly it feels like a cushion where I can blank out in total silence. My eyes wander, taking in the space I’m familiar with. I’m in his kitchen. He’s making sandwiches for us. For a moment his shoulders drop and from behind, he looks defeated. I can’t ask him why. Instead I watch him quietly take the cheese, setting it on the bread. Reaching for the mayo, his hand is shaking. Allowing his head to drop, I hear him whisper “come back to me, Lina,” he puts everything on a plate, walks up the stairs where he silently sets it near me, thinking I don’t notice him. For the first time, I’m seeing what he sees. I see me through his eyes and that isn’t who I want to be. His eyes are terribly sad as he backs out of the room, walks down the steps and puts his head in his hands.
His shoulders shake, his fists clench and then I watch as he buries his face into a pillow and screams. He fears losing me. He feels guilt. He feels so much, but has never said, yet I’m in the room above right now doing the very same. I remember the sandwich, I remember his silence, but I was too busy worrying about how to protect myself. I needed him, he needed me, and the way we handled things needed to stop.
Hearing the front door slam, I snap back to consciousness making a mental note to fix the door first. “I’m in back, Red,” I call out and when a shadow is cast from the door, I turn to see Anthony there. “You’re here,” I whisper with my heart in my throat. Giving no thought as to my reception, I jump up and run into his arms, certain of never wanting to be without him again. This was the first time I’ve ever blanked out and came back with answers. It’s always been a way for me to hide or to think. But I cannot pretend that didn’t just happen either. It did happen and now I have the means to do something about it.
This was one of the few times I can recall ever being proud of myself.
“Hello?”
“We’re walking a few houses down to see the house I think Lina bought, or wants to buy,” Jules said. “Her buying anything is a big deal, Tony. Hear her out before you bitch at her, got it?” When I didn’t respond, she asked again. “Tony?”
“I got it,” I told her, making my way toward the house. “Thanks, Jules.”
“I need to thank you, Tony,” she said quietly. “If it wasn’t for you, I don’t think Lina would be who she is today.”
“Who is she today?”
“Today she’s happy,” she said. “Because of you. No matter what happens, remember that. You put that smile back on her face and I owe you for that.”
Jules came through.
In truth, she was the last call I suspected. When she told me they were walking over to the house they believed Lina had just bought, I flew over and parked down the street. I was in the area anyway, being that I was stalking the streets looking for two short-stacked girls possibly hustling on a corner or beating a pimp’s ass. The last thing I expected was to walk in and see her sitting alone in a dirty room with a busted window. I stood there watching her quietly. Normally she senses me before I even enter a room, but today she was far, far away. She had so many emotions dancing across her face that I didn’t have a chance to name them all. When a smile crossed her face, I backed off; walked back to the door I entered and slammed it alerting her to a visitor.
When I heard her voice letting Jules know where she was, I was able to function again. Less than twenty-four hours without her and I couldn’t fucking handle it. A lifetime of that wasn’t possible either, so I decided to follow her lead and take Jules advice in assuming she’s not leaving me.
Standing in the door again, I would have stood there forever watching the sunlight worship her had she not turned around and ran to me. Wrapping her up, we both hold on tight.
“I was getting ready to come by,” she says, kissing my chest.
“I was impatient,” I tell her, kissing her hair. Unwrapping her legs, I set her down on two feet and wait for her to take the next step.
“What do you think?”
“So you bought a house,” I say, quietly devastated and equally proud of her. “It needs work, but the bones are sound.”
“Are you handy?” she asks.
“Yes,” I answer her quietly.
“Good. Come on, let me show you around.”
Taking her hand, I follow her on the tour. It’s bigger than it looks. Four bedrooms, one bath and a huge kitchen that’s seen better days but, it’s the bedroom that guts me. It’s enormous and quite possibly hers alone. When we finish, we find ourselves back in the room she was sitting in. There is so much to say and yet I can’t open my mouth. There’s a happiness about her I’ve never seen before and in truth, I was terrified of it.
“Anthony?” she asks in a hushed voice. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the depo.”
“I shouldn’t have pushed children on you,” I offer. “I should have left you to live your life. I’m demanding things that you aren’t ready to give. Things I shouldn’t even be asking for.”
Blinking at me first, then dropping her eyes to the floor she whispers, “Did you come here to tell me goodbye then?”
“Is that what you want?”
“No,” she says, looking up. “I want you to be happy I bought us a house.”
“You weren’t happy with me if you felt you needed a house--- say that again.”
Smiling that megawatt smile she only uses sparingly, her eyes sparkle and dance when she says, “I want you to be happy I bought us a house.”
“Us?”
“I wanted to show you I can commit to things,” she whispers. “You said your house is a rental so I thought we could start fresh here. I don’t want kids right this second, but someday I do and I want to know you better, fix this place up together and be close to our friends too.”
“Lina…”
“I’m not floating like I used to. It’s different now. I’ll always do it because it’s a part of me, but it’s you that I come back for. I know what I want, who I want and I thought if I showed you that I’m serious, that you’d be patient with me. Thing is, I need you to teach me the things I don’t know. Your parents taught you those things. Mine didn’t. Your parent’s loved and respected each other. Mine didn’t. I need you to guide me and I’ll follow your lead, Anthony because I truly want to learn from you.”
“Lina…”
“Being selfish isn’t a bad thing if you do it for the right reasons,” she says. “I won’t be selfish forever, but I don’t want to share you now. I want to travel and sleep in. I want to stay up late or walk around naked. I like having coffee and a cigarette with you in the kitchen every morning. I want to wake up knowing my day starts with you.”
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�Lina…”
“I don’t want to spend nights without you either, Anthony,” she says, wrapping herself around my waist. “This is me showing you. Maybe it was a stupid idea. I’m impulsive like that, but you asked me to bet on you and I did. I’m asking you to bet on me too.” Reaching under her arm, I do it again. “Ow fuck!” she squeals. “What is it with you and pinching me?”
“Do I have your attention now?”
“Your communication skills suck,” she growls, so I pinch her again. “Ow fuck! Okay, okay I’m listening! Dammit I was on a roll too.”
“You love me,” I tell her while walking her back to the wall. Bracing her arms above her head, it’s when our eyes meet and she smiles, that I tell her the truth. “I’ve waited a long time for you to love me, Sherlock.”
“I need you to lie to me, Anthony,” she whispers, looking terrified. “Right now, I need it. Show me what a lie from you feels like.”
“Ask me.”
“Do you love me?”
“No,” I growl, nipping her lip. “I don’t love you so much that I ache with it.”
When her eyes fill up and she kisses me back, she whispers, “I love the way you lie and I don’t love you either.”
“Is this too fast for you?” I ask, pulling her up so she can wrap her legs around me.
“No,” she whispers. “I’m here, Anthony. You’re my anchor.”
“I won’t let you float, Sherlock,” I whisper back. “And if you run, I’ll find you. I will always find you.”
“Anthony?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t mind getting dirty do you?”
“Dirty?” I ask, confused by the question, but then she pushes off the wall so hard, I take us both to the floor where I found myself being straddled. “Oh this kind of dirty I can do.”
Leaving him to sleep this morning, I made a pot of coffee, grab my smokes after pouring a cup, and grab what I needed from the back seat to change my oil. Playing my music loud enough for me, but not enough to wake him, I tied my hair back and crab crawled under Mrs. Mathers. Independence has always been important to me. Being able to do things without asking for help was the only credit I could ever give my parents. Since they refused me everything, I had no choice but to learn on my own. Grabbing the drain pan, I moved out of the way, giving the oil free reign while I checked the pressure in my tires. Once that was done, I topped off my fluid, added washer solvent and then wiped off the excess oil from around the cap, and set out to refill it.