30 Days

by Larsen, K

  Ryan after weeks, demands I see a doctor for help. They prescribe me antidepressants, antianxiety and sleeping pills. I take them faithfully every day to turn myself into a walking zombie who feels nothing. Ryan doesn't seem to care that I’ve changed. That the meds have changed me. That I feel nothing. He continues on with his degradation and destruction.

  The funeral was beautiful. Everyone told me that much. I did a good job of bringing everyone together to celebrate a life cut short. Jenny was only twenty seven. Her death tragic. I managed to pull myself together long enough to make it through the funeral but as soon as it ended I lost it. I fell apart. The gathering back at our house helped me pull myself back together again momentarily. Ryan sulked in a corner angry that we had to have all these people over. People he didn't want in our house. “What’s the point?” He’d said.

  I was hugged and kissed and my back was rubbed more in that two hour gathering than in over the last four years with Ryan. People of course asked where he was and how this must be hitting him hard if he couldn't be at my side right now. If they only knew he was just irritated that they were in his house and avoiding us all.

  By the time I had finished cleaning up that night Ryan had gone to bed without me. I sat in the dark living room alone and wept. Eventually I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke the next morning Ryan had already left for work. I moved from the couch to our bed and stayed the day there.

  After over a month of staying in bed all day Ryan’s anger at me hit an all-time high. He dragged me out of bed roughly one afternoon and hauled my ass promptly to a therapist, Dr. Rand. He seems like a decent guy. Not that I could give a shit. I take my pills every day as prescribed to keep me from giving a shit. Ryan says if I won't get on with my life then he will make me. Hence, my now weekly appointments with Dr. Rand.

  “Elle, you have to talk.” Dr. Rand prompts.

  “Why?”

  “That’s sort of the point of therapy.” He says.

  “What shall I talk about then Dr.?” I snip.

  “What about your sister’s death is bothering you the most?”

  “The fact that she's DEAD.” I say flatly.

  He sighs at me and shakes his head. “You’ve got to work with me Elle.”

  “I have no one.”

  “You have your husband.” He reminds me. I snort in disgust. If he only knew. Sure I have a husband but I don't have one really. He is a stranger living in my house with me at best. A hateful stranger at that. A bell chimes indicating that our time for this week is up. I smile at Dr. Rand and stand.

  “See you next week.” I wave and exit his office.

  I go home, pop some pills and crawl into bed. Days I don't have therapy I stay in bed most of the day, occasionally getting up to eat something or use the bathroom. I read as many books as I can. It’s the only thing that brings me any pleasure. I voraciously rip through romance novels pretending that I too could have love and a happy ending. Someone to cherish me...someone to cherish. But that dream’s a slippery slope. It’s an illusion and illusion never changes into something real, but to stop dreaming all together might as well be death.

  On bad days I re-live all of my and Jenny’s greatest moments together. Each memory is as crystal clear as the pain that resonates in my chest from the loss of her. Those days I don't even hear Ryan grumbling, yelling at me or throwing things. Those days my thoughts are black and blue like my heart. I stare at the ceiling and talk to my sister. I ask her what the hell I should do. How to live without her. I ask her how to leave Ryan. Sometimes if I hold my breath and wait I can swear I hear her trying to answer me.

  How do you know if you’re crazy? If you look up crazy it says mentally deranged. If you then wonder what mentally deranged truly means it will tell you; mentally deranged patients are often filled with hate and animosity and will often demonstrate a series of disturbed behaviors. Generally, deranged individuals are trapped in their own state of mind.

  I feel crazy some days but I don't exhibit the symptoms needed to be mentally deranged. However, Ryan, in my opinion is hateful and trapped in his own state of mind and I find his behaviors disturbing. No one would ever believe this though. He is an upstanding citizen publicly.

  PRESENT

  DAY 7

  Small kisses rain all over my face and neck. I crack one eye open to find Colin grinning at me. “Morning Babe.” His arm coils around my waist while he rolls positioning me on top of him. A tiny squeal escapes me and he laughs.

  “Morning.” I whisper as I dip my head to his and give him a soft kiss. He moans and tangles his fingers in my hair. I feel so carefree, alive and full of desire. I pull back a little and look into those mesmerizing hazel orbs before glancing at the clock. Eight thirty am.

  “Do we have to train today?” I wrinkle my nose. “Cause I’m feeling pretty lazy and content right now.” I whine while his large palm wanders up and down my back.

  “I believe your list says that today you have to say yes to everything for the whole day.” His eyes sparkle with mischief. I groan and roll off of him planting my face in the pillow.

  “Come on,” he pushes, “it won't be that bad. I promise.” A finger jabs into my side tickling me and I snort with laughter while curling into a tight ball. “Stop that!”

  “Really Elle. I think this ‘yes day’ could be pretty good.”

  “I guess we’ll see won't we.” Sarcasm drips from my voice.

  “Well then, would you like to hit the gym?” His eyes are playful and his dimple gives him a boyish charm.

  “Yes.” I chuckle and roll out of the warm bed to get the first shower. If I have to look at his perfectly sculpted chest and abs for another minute I might explode. As I snag a clean towel from the closet I steal one more look at him. His eyes are trained on my ass with nothing but appreciation glowing on his face. I laugh and toss the towel at him before stepping into the bathroom.

  After a delicious breakfast of eggs and bacon made by Colin we hit the gym and work some more on my combinations. I’m slowly improving and toning up. My muscles ache in a good way.

  “So Elle....” Colin drawls as we head out of the gym. “Care for some sushi this afternoon?”

  I hate sushi. Well I’ve never tried it but the idea of it totally turns me off. I wrinkle my nose at him. “I don't like sushi.” I tell him.

  “Would you like sushi Elle?” His eyes glimmer.

  I sigh knowing what he’s doing. “Yes.” His grin widens and he extends his arm out to me.

  “Well then, I know just the place.” We’re seated not long after arriving and as we’re looking over the menu Colin seems quite pleased with himself.

  “I think it’s unfair to have to say yes to things I don't like.” I pout.

  “Well how will you experience new things if you always say no?”

  “You’re annoying.” My pout turns to a scowl and he laughs at me. I love that laugh. It fills up a part of my heart I wasn’t aware existed.

  “Fine, then you order for me because I have no idea what any of this is.” I say waving my hand over the menu. When the waitress comes Colin does order for the both of us.

  When our food arrives something I’m told are Avo-Kyu and California rolls are placed in front of us. They look icky. Colin picks one up. “Open up.” He says as tries to feed it to me. I clamp my mouth shut and shake my head no. “It’s yes day Elle, open up.” Reluctantly I open my mouth as he puts the end of the roll into my mouth and I take a bite. I chew slowly and to my surprise, it’s not that bad.

  “I ordered rolls with avocado in them, since I know you like those.” He says with pride recalling our grocery store evening.

  “It actually wasn't so bad. I was expecting a hunk of raw fish or something.” I chuckle.

  Colin eats more than I do. It’s alright but I’m still not totally sold, so I end up having one California roll and half an Avo-Kyu roll.

  “You must be starving.” He says as we’re leaving. As if on cue my stomach grumbles.r />
  “A little.”

  “Would you like something else?” He laughs.

  “Mmmm I could go for a bagel with lots of cream cheese.” I sing.

  “Whatever the lady wishes.” He smiles down at me.

  Colin leads me a few blocks in the opposite direction from my cottage and into a little hole in the wall with no sign. “Best bagels in town.” He declares as we step through the entrance.

  “How would anyone even know this place is here?”

  “You have to be a local.” He winks. I order myself an everything bagel toasted with veggie cream cheese and dig in.

  “Oh my god you’re right, this is delicious.” I say around a mouthful earning me his dimpled grin.

  “Do you like rides?” He asks.

  “I guess. I haven't been on any in years.” I shrug.

  “Let’s go to Carowinds.”

  “The amusement park?” I ask wide eyed.

  “Yeah.”

  “Uh. Ok. But you’ll have to drive since I’m without a car, but I’ll pay for the tickets.”

  “No, no, this yes day is on me.” He demands politely. He doesn't know I have money but I’ve seen his apartment, the gym. I know he gets by but isn’t rolling in it and I don't want to put him out.

  “Colin.”

  “What is it?”

  “I have plenty of money. Please let me pay. Especially for things that are a direct result of the list. I’ll let you have dates, but the list comes out of my pocket.” I don't want to hurt his ego but some of the things on the list were only feasible because Jenny and I both had the funds to know we could do them. He looks at me funny.

  “Will you be my sugar mama?” He laughs knowing the only answer I can give today is yes. I roll my eyes at him. “Yes.” I play along.

  With that we walk back to his apartment where he changes and then drives me to mine so I can do the same before leaving for Carowinds. The drive to the amusement park passes quickly as we banter back and forth with ease. When we arrive he takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine as we walk the entrance. It all feels so natural.

  “Is this ok?” He asks looking at our entwined hands.

  “Yes.” I smile up at him. He chuckles and the corners of his eyes crease with his smile. It’s hot and makes my belly flutter.

  After asking me ten times if I want to go on this ride or that, knowing all the while that I have to say yes we’ve ridden almost every ride in the park and we’re spent. The rollercoasters left me feeling exhilarated and full of life. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Throughout our time wandering through the park he was sweet and attentive and I felt like I couldn't get close enough to him. Everything between us is effortless and natural.

  I quite enjoyed the few times I was behind him in line, each movement forward showing his perfect butt shifting behind his jeans. His stare burns me like his touch does and he always seems to be staring. He keeps his fingers laced with mine whenever possible. His lips find my temple for no reason at all multiple times making my pulse quicken each time. We fit together in a way I didn’t think possible for two people.

  “Your place or mine tonight?” He asks quietly as we pull into town.

  “Um. Either is fine I guess.”

  “Mine then.” He states.

  We pull into his parking spot both exiting the car tired from a long day of fun and excitement. I’m sleepy and content as he leads me up the stairs, hand at the small of my back. As soon as we’re inside and the door clicks shut behind us Colin’s hands are on me. “Can I kiss you?” He breathes pulling me hard into him. I look into those hazel eyes and lose myself.

  “Yes.”

  His lips come to mine, taking their time exploring and worshiping. I moan into his mouth spurring him on. His tongue finds mine and a rush of adrenaline spikes though my body making my belly clench in anticipation. He walks us slowly backward careful to keep me upright with him as his kisses continue to rain down on me. He moves from my lips to my ear and down my neck to my collarbone. I feel a frantic desire to have more of him. I move my hands under and up his shirt lifting it over his head and tossing it to the floor.

  When my lips come to his chest his breath hitches and his muscles twitch. His fingers leave a trail of goose bumps from my hips up to my armpits as he removes my shirt. “Can I kiss you here?” He whispers hoarsely inches from my bra clad nipple.

  “Yes.” I breathe. His mouth comes over my breast making me whimper. “I love the noises you make.” He groans before unclasping my bra and letting it drop to the floor between us. His arms scoop me up effortlessly. “I’m so desperate for you I’m afraid it’s not natural.” He murmurs in my ear. His hot breath cascades down my neck making me tremble as he lays me on the bed. “Can I remove these?” His fingers toy with the button of my jeans.”

  “Yes.” I nod and he quickly rids me of my pants before doing the same. Laying there exposed in just my panties under his intense gaze makes my pulse beat erratically. I don’t dare move. His eyes travel from my lips slowly and thoroughly over every inch until stopping at my ankles. When our eyes meet again his are wild with desire.

  “May I touch you?” His voice is barely audible. My throat is unable to respond so I nod at him. He moves slightly, kneeling over me. One hand coming to my neck and trailing down over my collarbone to my breast, lavishing it with attention for a moment before moving on to the other one. I gasp and my back arches up off the bed. A slight smile breaks out over his face before he licks his lips and dips his head down to me.

  His kisses and nibbles following the trail of fire left behind from his fingers. His hand still slowly moving south over the flat plain of my stomach, my hip, and resting at my upper thigh. When his mouth catches up to his hands resting spot he repeats the process all the way back up my body. I feel like I’m on fire. My hips buck and a strangled sound rips from my throat. His fingers stop and brush back and forth over one of my scars. It startles me and I look down to him.

  “Is this from him?” His eyes are hard and full of rage.

  “Yes.”

  “How?” He says through gritted teeth.

  “A bowl of hot chili.” His mouth kisses the scar with such tenderness that I can feel my eyes glistening with tears.

  “You’re gorgeous Elle.” His mouth is on mine again this time desperate with need. It’s a furious kiss. Passionate and heady. I’m left gasping and panting for air when he finally pulls back. A playful grin on his face. “Do you want me Elle?” He whispers.

  “Yes.”

  As soon as the word is out of my mouth his hands are at my panties ripping them off. His boxers are shed and kicked away and his mouth and hands are everywhere as are mine. I can’t seem to feel him enough. I want to know every inch of his body. When his fingers slide in between my legs I’m lost. His name rips from my lips as he sends me crashing towards orgasm. My body takes over, grinding into his hand needing, wanting more. When his fingers disappear I cry out in protest. He kisses me hungrily and moves himself under me. “Come with me Elle.” He croaks as I slip onto him. There are no words for the way he fills me. I sink my weight onto him reveling in the pleasure it brings.

  A soft groan slips from my lips as his hands come to my waist setting our rhythm. His hips lift and plunge as mine grind down and circle. Faster and faster until I’m trembling and can't see straight.

  He flips us unexpectedly and continues to drive into me. Filling me up. Lightning explodes behind my eyes as my orgasm rips through me and I scream out his name again. He thrusts twice more before planting himself deep with a grunt and staying there, face buried in my neck. It feels so right. The weight of him on me. The pleasure he gave and took. I want to melt into him, into this moment forever.

  His head lifts slightly planting a kiss behind my ear. “Incredible.” He breathes. The silence that follows is so intimate I’m taken aback. We lay tangled in each other’s arms, his fingers playing with my hair, our eyes locked, silent. A thousand thoughts passing between us
effortlessly. It’s as if he’s saturated my heart and soul. His hand trails up my spine slowly. “Roll over baby.” His voice is laced with seduction.

  “I'll do anything you say...if you say it with your hands.” I flirt back.

  “Done.” He murmurs as I roll onto my stomach and am treated to the most amazingly erotic massage in history as a soft sigh falls out of me.

  DAY 8

  Everything Colin does is laced with affection for me and I don’t know why. It confuses me and makes me elated at the same time. He’s pouring coffee into a mug for me humming softly along to the radio playing.

  “Why me?”

  “What?” He turns to me.

  “Why did you pick me? Why are you doing this with me?” I ask honestly. I can see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to answer. He sets the mug down on the counter and strides to me. Taking my hand in his he tugs me from my perch and leads me to the bathroom. Standing behind me in front of the mirror his eyes catch mine.

  “Look at yourself.” He says quietly in my ear. “Try to see what I see.” His hand comes around from behind to my face. “You have the most beautiful face. Your eyes are intoxicating.” His hand slides down the length of one arm. “Your skin is like silk.” He whispers in my ear and I bite my lip to stop from shivering. His hand moves up my ribs until his palm is flat against my heart. “Your heart, your strength, your kindness amazes me Elle. Your resilience.” He murmurs low. Watching him in the mirror, his expression, his tenderness does funny things to my belly. “Do you see what I see now?”