by E. L. Todd
“You two seem happy together.”
I shrugged. “She’s beautiful and everything but…I don’t think it’s going to work out.”
“Why not?” she asked in surprise.
I wished I could just tell her the truth. I would get it off my chest, and everything would be out in the open. I wouldn’t have to come up with lies all the time. “We aren’t compatible. She’s a little too clingy for me.”
“Really? She seemed pretty amazing. Even Sage was staring at her.”
“Because he’s a piece of shit that doesn’t deserve you.” My entire body snapped, and I went into aggressive mode. I didn’t care about him looking at my date. I cared that he wasn’t exclusively looking at his.
Taylor didn’t flinch because she was used to my angry outbursts.
“A man should never have wandering eyes, Taylor. That’s bullshit.”
“I don’t blame him,” she said. “Julia is probably the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
“Ha.” I released a sarcastic laugh. “I’ve seen better.”
Her eyebrows shot up. “What?”
“Nothing,” I said quickly. I had a problem with these passive aggressive comments, and I needed to steer away from the topic. “You shouldn’t be with a guy who pays attention to the other women in the room. He should only pay attention to you.”
“I know,” she said. “But Julia was right in front of him. Not many other places to look.”
“Why are you making excuses for him?” My temper flared all over again. I was normally sensible, but when Taylor put up with losers like him, I couldn’t handle it.
“Calm down. If you were in his position, you would have stared at her too. Don’t act like you wouldn’t.”
I looked her dead in the eye and didn’t blink. “If I were with you, I wouldn’t even know other people were in the restaurant. I wouldn’t know if it was morning or evening because I’d be too busy looking at you to notice the sun and the moon. If I were with you, I would feel blind to the world and everything in it—because you’re all that I’d see.”
She stared at me for several heartbeats, her eyes locked to mine and unblinking. A strand of hair fluttered in the breeze, but she didn’t tuck it behind her ear like she usually did.
I successfully made the conversation awkward, just like I always did. It was so frustrating to want a woman I could never have. I’d never been this challenged before. Not to sound like a dick, but there was never a woman I couldn’t have. And now the one woman I couldn’t live without didn’t even notice me. I couldn’t even move on with someone else because I was neck-deep in this shit.
Taylor didn’t say anything, either because she was irritated with me or just uncomfortable. Maybe she was catching on to my feelings. She’d be totally ignorant to not figure it out by now. I didn’t sleep with her because I had nothing else to do. I didn’t hate her boyfriends because I was just protective. I didn’t spend all my time with her because I didn’t have any other friends.
When the silence stretched for another minute, I knew I needed to break it. “Sorry. I just can’t stand cheaters. Drew was an ass, and now Sage can’t keep his eyes to himself. Bothers me.”
“It’s one thing to look and another thing to touch.”
But I wouldn’t look or touch if I were with her. “What are you doing this weekend?” I didn’t care about her answer, but I had to change the subject. It was growing more uncomfortable by the second.
“I don’t have a lot of plans, but on Friday, I’m meeting some of Sage’s friends. It’s his birthday, so we’re going out to dinner.”
So things were getting serious. Had she slept with him? I cursed myself for even wondering about it. It didn’t matter, and I would never ask because I couldn’t handle the answer. “What did you get him?”
“Nothing yet. Trying to figure that out.”
I had a few ideas, but they all involved sex. And I didn’t want her touching him. “Maybe you could make something.”
“I’m not that crafty.”
“You make stuff for your classroom all the time.”
“Yeah, but that’s usually related to science. I don’t think Sage really cares about academics.”
“You’ll figure it out. Can’t go wrong with sports tickets.”
“Hmm…that’s not a bad idea.” A thoughtful look came over her face. “He loves the Yankees. I’m sure he would love to go to a game.”
Now I hated myself for giving her a good idea. “There you go.”
She pulled out her phone and started searching for tickets. “Let’s see… There’s a game this Sunday. Perfect.”
At least she wasn’t getting him a blowjob.
“Thanks for the suggestion.”
I stopped myself from gritting my teeth. “No problem.”
“What are you doing this weekend?”
A whole lot of nothing. “No plans.”
“Want to do something on Saturday?”
Damn. I shouldn’t have said that. “Maybe.” I couldn’t keep spending time with her when it was just sucking me in further. Should I move away? Was that the only answer at this point? My company was expanding, so maybe I could expand with it.
“Maybe?” she asked with a laugh.
“I might have plans with Julia. Can’t remember.”
“I thought you were breaking up with her.”
“I said I was thinking about it.”
“I think you should give it another chance. Women like that don’t come around very often.”
Women like you don’t come around very often. “I’ll see where it goes.”
She finished her muffin then grabbed her coffee. “Well, I should head home. I need to clean up and head to the dry cleaners.”
I was sad she was leaving but also relieved. Distance was the most essential thing for me. Whenever I was with her, I was comfortable. There was nothing else in the world besides the two of us. It felt the same as sitting in front of a warm fire. I never wanted to leave. “I have stuff to take care of too.” I stood up and tossed my trash. “Have fun at the birthday party.”
“Thanks.” She pulled her bag over her shoulder and gave me an award-winning smile. It was the kind that lit up everything near her. She was a spotlight that illuminated the entire city. After a quick wave, she walked off, her hips swaying in her skin-tight jeans. I wasn’t the only one who gawked at her as she passed. Everyone on the street turned their heads in her direction.
And the entire world did too.
***
“What brings you here?” I looked up to see Derek standing over the desk.
“Just thought I would stop by on my way home.”
That was unlike him unless he wanted something. “What’s up?”
“How are things with Tayz going?”
“Terrible.” I leaned back in the office chair and crossed my arms over my chest.
“What?” he blurted. “Julia said you guys have really hit it off.”
“Ugh.” I dragged my hands down my face. “She really said that?”
“Yeah. Are you telling me you’ve been dating that fox and still aren’t over Taylor?”
It was embarrassing to admit it out loud. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“What the hell, man?”
“I’m gonna break it off with Julia.”
“What?” he shrieked. “Are you crazy?”
“Yes.” I’m out of my mind. Shit, I’m insane. “I’ve tried falling for her, but nothing has changed. Taylor is still in my goddamn head all the time.”
“Have you slept with Julia?”
It was none of his business, but I nodded anyway.
“And still nothing?” he asked incredulously.
“I’m telling you, I’m doomed.”
“No, I think you’re gay.”
I grabbed the stapler and prepared to throw it at him.
“Whoa, whoa.” He held up both hands. “Let’s just calm down.”
�
��I’m anything but calm right now.” I set the stapler on the table with a loud thud. “I’m screwed. I’m in too deep, and I’ll never get out.”
“Maybe you should just tell her how you feel.”
“And what’s that gonna do? Make things worse?” I snapped.
“She’ll reject you, and you can move on.”
I couldn’t handle hearing that. Even now, I still had a little hope we could be something more. When we lay together in bed, she always wrapped her arms around me. When she was upset, she’d grip my hand like she needed my touch to go on. If I told her how I felt and she turned me down, that would shatter the tiny amount of hope I still possessed. And without that belief, there would be nothing holding me together. I’d rather hold on to this small amount of goodness than risk losing it altogether. “I don’t want her to reject me.”
“Well, if she does, you’ll know it’s time to move on.”
“But I’ll lose her friendship.”
“Are you really friends now?” he challenged.
It was true that my feelings had changed the dynamic of our relationship. “If I tell her now, it’ll just blow up in my face. If she were single, I could do something about it.”
He rolled his eyes. “She’s not engaged to the guy. Go for it.”
“She’s meeting his friends tomorrow. She clearly likes him.”
“Whatever. All is fair in love and war.”
“It’s not gonna happen.” I’d made my final decision.
“Then maybe you should move.”
That wasn’t a bad idea, but I didn’t want to leave New York. I loved it there. “I was born and raised here. I don’t think I could handle any other city.”
“Boston is pretty close.”
“No.” There was nothing for me there.
Derek leaned against the desk and gave me a sympathetic look. “Then maybe you should keep dating Julia.”
“No.” That wasn’t fair to her, even though she knew how I felt about Taylor.
“Then you’re hopeless,” Derek said. “I’m officially out of ideas.”
I’ve been out of ideas for a while.
The elevator doors opened, and Clay stepped onto the floor.
That was my cue. “I’ve got to go, Derek. I have a client.”
“I thought you didn’t do the tutoring thing anymore?” he questioned.
“I have a special circumstance.” I rose out of the chair and shoved my phone into my pocket. “I’ll see you later.”
“Alright. Until next time.” Derek banged his hand on the desk before he walked into the elevator and disappeared.
I grabbed my supplies and Clay’s lunch before I walked inside the tutoring room. Clay was already sitting at the desk wearing a baggy hoodie and old jeans. His hair was combed in an odd way, pushed forward and over one side of his face.
“Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?” I teased.
He immediately patted his hair down. “Need a haircut.”
I set my stuff down then pushed the sandwich toward him. “I’ll give you some cash.”
“I’m okay.” Even then, he hated taking money from me.
“If you don’t get a haircut soon, you’ll have to rock the ponytail look.”
“I’m not a girl,” he argued.
“Then let’s get that haircut.” I set everything up then pushed the book toward him. “Alright, we’re going to start the math section. Math is about logic rather than pure mathematics. Even without a calculator, you can figure things out pretty easily based on laws and formulas. I’ll show you what I mean.”
He propped his chin on his hand and looked bored, only one eye visible.
His hair was distracting me because I couldn’t see his entire face. He wasn’t eating either, which was unlike him. Usually, he scarfed down all his food the second he walked in the door.
“Everything alright?” I asked.
“I’m fine,” he answered. “Just bored.”
“You won’t be bored in a second.” I explained the math section before I turned the workbook toward him. “Let’s start with the first question. I’ll work it out with you.”
He grabbed the mechanical pencil and stared at the question. His eyes moved over the words several times as he tried to figure it out. Several minutes went by, and he didn’t make a mark with his pencil. It took him a long time to approach the reading section of the exam, so I knew this would be even more difficult. Absentmindedly, he moved his hand over his hair and pulled it slightly to the side.
And that’s when I noticed it.
He had a dark black eye, bruised and swollen. The skin surrounding it was just as damaged with popped blood vessels and discoloration. It wasn’t the kind of injury you got from falling. It was the kind of bruise you got when you were punched in the face—several times.
I never knew I could be this angry. I never understood what rage really felt like until that moment. My hands shook as my lungs locked up. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to demolish the office because I didn’t know how else to channel my anger. My body and mind only knew destruction.
I wanted to murder someone.
“Clay.”
He flinched at the hostility in my voice. I never yelled, but my violent tone was enough to make him jerk. His eyes met mine, and when he saw the look on my face, he knew I figured it out.
“Who did this to you?” I couldn’t stop shaking. All I knew was bloodlust. Someone was about to be put into the ground—six feet under.
He pulled his hair further over his face, hiding the mark. “I fell on the handle of my bike…hit me right in the eye.”
“Don’t. Lie. To. Me.” I slid everything off the table and slammed my fists hard onto the wood. The sound echoed in the room, thudding indefinitely.
Clay immediately sat back, showing fear for the very first time.
“I’m going to ask you again, and you’re going to give me the right answer.”
He stared at the ground.
“It was your father, wasn’t it?” I should have known when I spotted that other bruise. Clay lied to me about it, and I should have figured it out. What kind of mentor was I for not noticing sooner?
His voice came out weak. “No.”
I flipped the table over and it crashed into the wall. Thankfully, no one else was there otherwise people would assume I was smacking the kid around myself. “Why do you keep lying to me?”
He stayed in the chair but leaned back as far as he could.
“I’m calling the cops.” I was putting this guy behind bars for the rest of his life.
“Wait.” He held up his hand, so I wouldn’t walk around him. “Don’t.”
“Why the hell not?” My nostrils flared because I was breathing so hard.
“I don’t want to go into a foster home. Please.” It was the first time he ever begged for anything. “That’s even worse than where I am now.”
“No, it’s not,” I said with gritted teeth. “No one will hurt you there.”
“But I’ll be stuck with a bunch of other kids, I’ll never be adopted, and I won’t be able to leave and do what I want. I’ll be a prisoner there, and they’ll scrutinize my every move.”
“Clay, you don’t know anything about foster care.”
“Yes, I do,” he snapped. “I’ve had friends in the system, and they say it’s terrible. I’ve only got a year and a half left, and then I can leave. I’m never home as it is, and it doesn’t happen all the time. Just…don’t call the cops.”
“Clay, it shouldn’t happen at all.”
“It’s really not that bad.”
This kid was an enabler, and he didn’t even realize it. “It’s never okay to hit someone. So don’t say it’s not that bad. It’s completely unacceptable.”
“I’m not saying it’s okay,” he whispered. “But I can handle it.”
Now I wanted to snap again. “You shouldn’t have to handle it.”
“Just don’t call the cops. Volt, I’m begging you.”
“No.” He jumped to his feet and faced me. “Stay out of it, alright? I’m telling you I don’t want to go into foster care. I’d rather keep everything the same. I’m careful around my dad, but sometimes, he drinks too much and things happen. It’s not like it happens all the time.”
I hated listening to him justify his father’s actions. It was sickening.
“If you call the cops, I’ll deny everything.”
“That bruise will speak for itself.”
“Volt, you don’t get it because you come from a different world with a mom and a dad who love you. You don’t know what it’s like to struggle. You don’t know what it’s like to survive. You don’t understand how the real system works. You think sending me to child protective services is going to help me but it’s not. It’s just going to make my life more difficult. I don’t have much time left. I’m almost out of there. Please don’t ruin this for me.”
My body couldn’t digest all the pain and rage. Instead of subsiding, it just bubbled and became worse. I felt the agony intensify into something blinding. I’d never understood the kind of pain Clay had been through, but just the mere idea of it killed me inside.
“Volt, please.” He blocked my way to the door. “I know this is hard, but please let it go.”
“How can I do nothing?” I whispered. “He might kill you.”
“He won’t. He just gets angry and pushes me around. But he’s never taken it that far.”
“Yet,” I said bitterly.
“Promise me you won’t tell anyone.”
How could I ever make that kind of promise?
“Volt, come on. You’re the only person I have in my life right now. You’re the only person I can trust. Please, help me.”
“Letting you live there isn’t helping you.”
“And dragging me out is worse,” he argued. “Volt, please. I’m begging you.”
I put my hands on my hips and tried to sort this out. I was at a crossroads, and I didn’t know what to do. This kid deserved better than the treatment he was getting, but I didn’t know what the solution was. He was adamant about avoiding foster care, and I understood why. But could I let him stay with an abuser? It was only for another year and a half, but was that too long? “Clay, I’m sorry. I have to tell someone.”