Rise

by Leslie McCauley

  “Yes, really I am good. Much better.” She nods not pushing the subject anymore.

  I grab a small, quiet table in the rear that is right next to a window. The décor in this place has not changed much. The wall color maybe, but the pictures are all the same. The one with a small girl in pigtails leaning up against a wheelbarrow and holding a basket of red flowers is my favorite. I don’t know why. I peek at the door every few moments to look for my mom but no sign of her yet. Jen comes to take my order and I just get an iced tea for now. I should wait for Mom before I order. I hope she hurries I am famished.

  Ten minutes later Jen is refilling my tea when my mother strolls through the door. She looks frazzled. She sees me and shuffles back to me dodging chairs and people as she does. Luckily, she makes it without a klutzy mom moment. She slides into the chair across from me and leans forward to kiss me on the cheek. “Hi baby,” she puffs, out of breath. “Sorry I am late; I went shopping and got stuck in line forever and then, of course, the traffic on the way here was atrocious. I hate going to the mall, you know? It’s such a hassle. Not worth all the trouble. I mean really!” I try to stifle rolling my eyes at her. When she starts talking sometimes, well who am I kidding most times she just doesn’t stop! I pull my annoyance into check and smile politely. Why am I being such a bitch today! It might be time to find my own place.

  “Its fine Mom. Don’t worry about it. I haven’t been waiting long. Let’s order, I am starved.” Before I can lift my arm to get her attention, Jen is there, cool and swift. She kisses my mother on the cheek and gives her a warm hello.

  “Hi Jen,” Mom says. “How are you, I feel like we haven’t seen you for so long. God, I am hungry, what do I want? What are you having, Nettie?” I mull over the menu once more and close it.

  “I am just going to have a chicken salad. Ranch dressing please Jen.” I order and hand her my menu.

  “Very well, hun, and you Mary?” My mom purses her lips and bobs her head back and forth trying to make a decision.

  “I’ll have the same I suppose,” she says indifferently. “Since that is all you’re having I guess I will skip the cheeseburger. I don’t want to look like a pig.”

  “Mom, get what you want.” I huff.

  She is exhausting sometimes, but I love her I really do. She has been my rock my entire life and even more so lately. I feel like I had drifted back to infancy needing constant care and comfort. She was more than willing to be there for me, too. My father as well. He was taking care of Mom while she was taking care of me. And I appreciate that in them. I shouldn’t be so short with her. She was damaged too. Maybe more so because she tried to hide her pain. I need to remember that. I am not the only one who has suffered.

  “So, I know you don’t want to talk about it but how was your appointment. Everything ok?” here we go.

  “Yes, Mom, it was fine. The same as last time. I am fully healed and back to normal.” I can visibly see her wince, but she tries to hide it. Normal I know she is thinking I will never be. “So anyway, they said they would call if anything comes up on my tests and otherwise, I can go on with my life. I don’t need to go back. And I am not. When I need an annual, I am going to a new doctor. I don’t ever want to step foot in that office again.” Mom gently places her hand on mine.

  “I don’t blame you. Discussion over. I won’t press you any more. I just wanted to be sure the doctor gave you a clean bill of health.”

  Lunch seems to drag on forever and I have nothing else to do so why am I in such a hurry to leave. I think it’s because lately, I am much more comfortable by myself. The company of others has been more of a burden than a blessing. I just don’t feel myself. I keep being assured by my counselor that it is completely normal to begin pulling away from loved ones. To me, it just seems pitiful and sad.

  When we finish eating my mom insists on paying. Let’s face it, I haven’t worked in eight weeks so she kind of has to. I thank her and we make our way to the door. Jen shouts a goodbye from across the room and Mom and I both wave and smile in return.

  Outside the restaurant, I walk my mom to her car. She gives me a big hug and then kisses me on the forehead. This is no small feat for her given she is a good foot shorter than me. We look so much alike, I’m told. This is a compliment to me. She is stunning. Her hair is the exact same color as mine although hers has a bit of a gray in it these days. It is cut into a short sleek angled bob. She always looks put poised and together. She has beautiful ivory skin and her makeup is always impeccable like she has none on at all. A natural beauty. I only hope I look that good when I am her age. It’s only twenty years away though. She had me young. I am thankful for that. I think it’s made us closer. We have had some great times together I hug her back gently. “I’ll see you at home later, Mom. I’ll make dinner if you’d like.”

  “No, no honey, Daddy and I are going to dinner with some business associates of his, so we won’t be home. You should go out with some friends,” she adds.

  “Oh, sure no problem. I’ll find something to do. I’ll call you later then. Love you,” I give her another swift kiss and turn to my car.

  “Bye honey, drive safe!” she shouts across the lot.

  I turn out of the parking lot and begin to merge onto Rt. 11. I am stunned. “Oh shit, why did I go this way?” I haven’t been this way for weeks. Habit, I guess. As I pass the exit for my old house the memories come slamming back to my brain and all too quickly tears swell in my eyes.

  It was exactly eight weeks ago to the day, the last time I was in my house. Memories of that night flood my mind. Sam, the blood, the pain both physical and emotional …. The blare of a Semi-trucks horn knocks me back to the present. “Holy shit!” I was drifting from my lane. God, daydream much Nettie? Christ, you could have gotten yourself killed! Well, it wouldn’t be the first time this year. I decide to get off the next exit and quickly turn back onto route 11 going the opposite direction. Fuck it! I have to face my demons. The house hasn’t sold yet so technically it’s mine. I need to get it out of my system. I head down two more miles and glide from the exit ramp. My home is not more than two or three miles from here and when I arrive, I sit staring, trying to get my bearings. After about thirty minutes and about six horrible pop songs later I make my way inside.

  When I enter it’s not as bad as what I had painted in my mind. It is completely empty except for the appliances. Even the patio furniture is gone. Everything has been put in storage. Thanks to my father for taking care of all of that for me. I go to every room but that room. I want to save that for last. That room will be the most difficult. I am there all in all about an hour and decide it’s now or never. I enter my bedroom and look at the floor where my body laid just a few months ago. The carpet has been replaced to cover up the bloodstains. I feel numb. Not sad or scared or even angry. Just numb. I think I can still smell Sam.

  My cell phone startles me. I check the caller ID and it is Jess. “Hi, Jessie what’s up?”

  “Nothing where are you? How did your appointment go today?”

  I scramble outside so I don’t feel as though I am lying when I tell her, “I am in my car going home. The appointment was fine”

  “Well, I am off tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. What do you say to staying with me for the weekend and we can go out or stay in whatever you feel like?

  “Yes!” I shout so quickly that she laughs her signature laugh.

  “Ok then. Is your mom getting on your nerves a bit or what?”

  “No, not exactly” I reply. “My parents just treat me as if I am made of glass. I mean God as soon as the house sells, I am ready to move out!” I really wish I could afford to now, but it just isn’t feasible especially since I haven’ t been back to work yet. I should call them and figure something out though. I can’t sit around in limbo forever.

  “So,” Jess interrupts my thoughts. “Come over to my house after five and we will have dinner and drinks and go from there.”

  “That sounds amazing! I’ll see you at
five o’ five.” I giggle.

  Our weekend goes by way too fast and it is Monday morning as I wake in my own bed. We went out one night and I could only manage dinner so the rest of the time we stayed in and just had a blast! We had some drinks, sang and danced our little hearts out. It was exactly what I needed to relax.” The phone rings downstairs and I run to get it. By the time I get there, I am out of breath.

  “Yes?” I puff.

  “Hi, may I speak with Antoinette Madison, please?” The woman on the other line sounds very official.

  “Yes, this is she.” I sound annoyed. Who the hell calls at eight o’clock in the morning?

  “Sorry for calling so early, Miss Madison.” Oh, shit I didn’t say

  that aloud, did I?

  “No, it’s no problem. What can I do for you?”

  “Oh, Nettie this is Dr. Graham.” What does she want? I thought everything was healed fine. “I was calling to see if you might be able to come into the office to speak with me today?” I did have plans today I wanted to stop in and speak to my boss.

  “I actually have a busy day today. What did you need?”

  “Well, I need to discuss some of your test results from last week.” Oh, shit. The blood drains from my face. What do I have? I feel sick. As if my life can’t get any fucking worse that son of a bitch gave me something! I want to kill him. I am feeling a bit faint as the letters H.I.V flash in my head.

  “Just tell me please, Doctor Graham. I don’t want to come in.”

  “Nettie, I would really like to talk about this in person.”

  “Doctor Graham!” I am shouting now. “I am freaking out here and I am not coming into that fucking office again so just spit it out or I guess I will never know!” She takes a long pause and I know she is hesitant but finally, she says the words.

  “You’re…pregnant.” Everything goes black.

  Chapter 8

  Unexpected

  When I come to, I am on the kitchen floor. The phone is a few feet from me, and I hear her yelling at me. “Nettie, Nettie are you there? Can you hear me?” I slowly make my way to a sitting position and grab the receiver.

  “Yes, I am here. I….I don’t think I heard you. Please tell me you did NOT just say that I am pregnant.” As I hear myself say the words I feel like I am having an out of body experience, this can’t be.

  “Nettie, I know this is a huge shock. Can you come in and we can talk? We can do an ultrasound to see if it even a healthy pregnancy and discuss,” her voice trails off and I already know what she is going to say before she says it. “your options.” She finishes. “Can you see me in an hour, Nettie? I have an opening. Maybe you should bring someone with you.”

  Oh, this is going to kill both of my parents. I should try and call Jess first. She would be supportive without judgment. “I can’t be pregnant they gave me that pill at the hospital that morning after pill or whatever. How is this possible? There must be some mistake!”

  “I am sorry dear, the Plan B pill is not one hundred percent effective. No birth control is. I will answer any questions when you get here okay?”

  “Yeah, sure.” I hang up before she can say another word. This is not real. This cannot be real. I touch my belly as I begin to weep. I feel sick. Sick that I have his demon seed inside of me. He has been attacking me since that night and he is behind bars. Fuck! I am still sitting on the floor clutching the phone. I breathe in and out trying to calm myself before I call Jess.

  She answers on the second ring. “Hey girlie, what’s up?” I inhale and say it as fast as I can.

  “I need you to come and get me. The doctor just called. I am fucking pregnant!” Dead silence on the other end. Yeah, shocking isn’t it. “You still there Jessica? JESS!” I shout.

  “Ah, um yeah, I ….I am just for lack of a better word SHOCKED. Completely and totally shocked! Um, I’ll be right over. Are your parents there? What are you going to do? How did this happen?”

  “Maybe one question at a time. I can’t even remember my own name right now! Just get over here. The doctor wants me to come in and speak with her. Hurry please, I don’t want to be alone.”

  “Yeah, I’ll be there in ten minutes. Oh, Nettie I am so sorry. Love you.”

  “I love you too. Now hurry.” I hang up and slowly peel myself from the cold ceramic tile floor. I make it to the kitchen table and sit with my head in my hands. Ouch, my head is sore. I must have hit it on the way down. My cheeks are still damp from my tears. Why did this happen to me? What did I do that was so horrible that I am being punished like this? I sit dazed until there is a knock on the glass doors leading from the kitchen to the deck. I look up and it is Jess. She lets herself in.

  “Why did you come to that door?” I wonder.

  “I was knocking out front, but you must not have heard me,” her voice is very soft and slow. She’s treating me like a wounded animal that may run if she startles me. “Come on,” she takes my hand. “Let’s go to see the doctor. I have questions. Lots of questions.” Questions indeed.

  When we arrive at Dr. Graham’s office, I’m not sure of how long it’s been since we spoke. I don’t know if I am early or late, but I don’t care, and I am sure she doesn’t either. Jessica tells the receptionist we are there as I find us a seat in the corner away from everyone else. My mind is racing. Jess and I both stare straight ahead not saying a word. Occasionally she reaches over giving my hand a comforting squeeze. This is exactly why I called her. My mother would have been hysterical and spastic. I am calm thanks to Jess.

  The nurse calls my name and we both stand. Slowly following her into the exam room that I am all too familiar with and we sit and wait. The silence is deafening and just as I think it Jessie speaks. “What do you think you are going to do?” I shake my head.

  “I can’t have this baby. I can’t have a daily lifetime reminder of that man.” I know this to be true. “I know the whole rape thing will never truly leave me, but I can at least move forward, right? Not if I have his…” I don’t finish. I can’t bring myself to think of this thing as anything more than it is. A horrible mistake. Jess nods in understanding. “I’ll help in any way I can. Do whatever you need me to, okay?”

  “I know, I know. That’s why I called you. No judgment.”

  “No judgment,” she mirrors. The doctor enters with her usual polite knock but doesn’t wait for a response. She looks at me for a moment with sympathy, then speaks.

  “I am sure you have a ton of questions and concerns. So, fire away.”

  “Well for one the fucking no good morning after pill is at the top of my list!” I am a little embarrassed at my outburst. She doesn’t seem affected.

  “As I said on the phone, that is not one hundred percent full proof. One out of every ten women may become pregnant. I am sorry. What else?” she sounds like her professional self again.

  “I had a period after the ….” I pause searching for the right word, “attack.” I settle on.

  “Yes, I remember you saying that. Was it a normal period? Normal flow and duration for you? If not, then it could have just been spotting from implantation. Although some women do have bleeding when they’re pregnant.” I try and think.

  “No, it was lighter than normal and lasted maybe three days, I don’t remember. Oh, shit,” I sigh.

  “I know this is difficult for you but let’s go do an ultrasound to see how the pregnancy is progressing. Okay?” I nod. We all stand, and Jess holds my hand as we walk down the narrow halls to the ultrasound room. With each step, it seems as though the hallway stretches longer and longer. When we finally arrive to the room there is another woman dressed in scrubs and the doctor introduces her as the ultrasound technician. “I will let her get you prepped and give you instructions and I’ll be right back.” Dr. Graham says as she exits the room. The ultrasound woman smiles a huge grin. She doesn’t know my situation, or she wouldn’t have that look on her face. I’d like to smack that smile right off her pretty little face.

  “Ok hu
n, I am going to leave the room and you can undress from the waist down and cover with the sheet okay?”

  “Wait, wait, wait hold up a second. Why do I need my pants off for an ultrasound?” She looks at me as if I should know the answer to my own question.

  “Oh, sorry since you aren’t very far along this ultrasound needs to be internal.” Internal! What the hell kind of twilight zone am I in right now! “It’s completely painless.” She adds. She continues holding up some device that looks like Bob Barker’s microphone from The Price is Right. She instructs me that it just barely goes inside me to give her an image and it won’t take long.

  “Fine,” I huff. She leaves the room and Jessica begins to follow her. “Where the hell are you going?” I say exasperated. She looks like a child scolded.

  “I thought you would want me to step out while you got undressed.”

  “No, don’t leave me alone in here! You can just turn around until I’m decent.” She nods and turns to face the wall. I quickly undress throwing my shorts and panties on the chair next to the exam table and jump on. Damn, I should have peed. Why do I keep doing that! I am draped with the white paper and give Jessie the all-clear. She turns and stands next to me grasping my hand. Moments later the doc and ultrasound woman reappear. Dr. Graham turns off the lights and the tech takes her place on a stool in front of me.

  “Go ahead and lie down and place your feet in the stirrups.” She says. “It’s not as uncomfortable as a pelvic exam.” She informs me. I do as I am told. I watch as the ultrasound tech glides what? A condom? Onto the wand, microphone whatever the hell that thing is. And puts some sort of gel on it, gross. This just keeps getting weirder and weirder. She inserts the mechanism and I jump from the cold. “Sorry.” She says. All our eyes go straight to the monitor. She scans around for a few moments before settling on something that looks like a gummy bear, same size and everything. I see it before the doctor can point it out. Without so much as a sound, tears spill out of the corners of my eyes and down onto the table. Jess squeezes my hand tighter.