Rise

by Leslie McCauley

  Dr. Graham finally speaks. “Yep there it is. It’s official, Nettie. Right there in the middle?” she points at a tiny flash on the screen. “That’s the heartbeat.” She looks closely for a while as does the technician. She clicks a few buttons on the keyboard and moves the wand around some more. I hear strange noises coming from the machine and she rips off a piece of paper. She removes the wand and informs me we are all finished. I sit up quickly eager to get the hell out of here. She hands me something.

  “For you! Your first picture of your baby.” She grins.

  “No. No. No,” I snap and next thing I know I am leaning forward and losing my breakfast on her crisp white sneakers. “Oops,” I shrug. I look over at Jessie and she has her hand clasped over her mouth to avoid bursting with laughter. I smirk at her and roll my eyes.

  “It’s fine.” The tech mumbles. “It happens more than you would think. Morning sickness.” Jess snatches the pictures out of her hand and thanks her. The poor girl shuffles out of the room leaving a trail behind her. Dr. Graham instructs me to get dressed and says she’ll meet us back in her office. She looks almost amused as well, almost. The second the door closes it’s all over Jessica is doubled over in a laughing fit and I can’t help but join.

  “I guess you told that perky bitch!” she gasps through laughter.

  “Ok, turn around,” I instruct as our laughter fades.

  When we get into the office with Dr. Graham, she explains that the pregnancy is progressing normally and that I have a decision to make. The mood has certainly shifted from five minutes ago. “If I want an abortion, how soon do I need to make that decision?”

  “Soon. Like this week soon.” I don’t hesitate before speaking

  “Schedule it.” She looks surprised. How can she be surprised?

  “You don’t want to speak to your family first, think about it a little more? This is a big decision.”

  “No.” I shake my head “This is my body, my life. He has already taken a piece of me and I will not give him anymore.” I stand with confidence and she nods. She had to have known this is the choice I would make. I mean who the hell would carry and raise the child of a person who brutally beat, raped and butchered them.

  “I’ll schedule you as soon as I can. I don’t do that here, but I will refer you to a clinic that does. The staff there is wonderful. I’ll give you a call as soon as I have something set up.”

  “Great. Fine. C’mon Jess.” She follows without speaking and we leave hand in hand.

  When we get into the car Jessica gives me a loving smile. “Home? Or you wanna grab a drink?”

  “It’s not even noon yet, Jess.”

  “So? I think with the day you’ve had so far, it’s fine.” I look at the clock, it is 11:45 a.m. She’s right, I can do whatever the hell I want.

  “Yeah, you know what? That sounds perfect.” I am suddenly conscious of the fact that I am pregnant. Well, I won’t be for long. “You pick the place,” Jess says as she pulls out of the parking lot. “Someplace we can get lunch too. Since I lost my breakfast, after all.” As if on cue we both burst into a fit of giggles.

  It’s about two-thirty when we arrive back at my house and I ask Jess if she’ll stay until my parents are home so I can tell them what’s going on. I wish I didn’t have to at all but, someone will have to take me. Jessica has already missed work today because of me I don’t want to ask her to do it again. She agrees to stay with me, and I get us a beer from the fridge. We already started drinking, why not another. We sit on the back deck sipping our beers in silence. All I can hear are the birds and occasionally the faint sound of a train whistle. Finally, Jess breaks the silence. “Are you a hundred percent sure you don’t want the baby?” My eyes dart to hers and she knows I am pissed.

  “How can you ask me that? Of course, I don’t want this…this thing.” I point to my belly.

  “Baby,” she corrects me.

  “No! Thing!” I snap

  “I am sorry Nettie, I don’t mean to upset you. I just don’t want you making a snap decision that you may someday regret. I mean, believe me, I agree with your decision. I wouldn’t want to do it either. I just want you to be ab-so-lutely one-hundred percent, without a doubt...”

  “Well, I am!” I interrupt. With that, she places her hands in the air surrendering.

  We talk for a long while about everything but the …thing and before I know it my mom and dad are home from work. “Here we go.” I sigh, looking at Jess as I rise from the striped cushion. She grabs my hand and we walk inside. As my parents walk in, they give Jess a warm greeting but then notice we are holding hands. My mom’s face looks still.

  “What is it?” she asks.

  “I think you both need to sit down,” I nod at the dining table. They oblige and we join them side by side. Jessica is my crutch right now. I take an audible breath and begin. “Dr. Graham called today.” My mother is holding her breath I can tell. Rip off the band-aid, just do it.

  “I am pregnant. I am not keeping it. It will be gone soon. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want it to be over. Please respect my decision,” I state coldly. My mother releases her breath into loud wailing cries. My father looks stunned and he wraps an arm around her.

  “Oh, Nettie I am so sorry darling. I, I don’t know what to say. I love you,” my father’s eyes look sad and hopeless. When I pictured telling my parents I was pregnant for the first time, this certainly wasn’t it.

  “I love you too Dad, I’ll be fine.” I don’t even believe myself. “Mom please, stop. It will be alright as soon as it’s done with.” She tries her best to get it together but to no avail. I can’t sit and listen to this. As I stand Jessie follows me to the hallway just outside the room.

  “I am going to go unless you want me to stay,” she whispers.

  “No, it’s fine I should be alone with them now. Thank you for everything today.” We hug each other tightly and when letting go I thank her again. I couldn’t have done this without her.

  “Here,” she says stuffing the ultrasound photo into my pocket. She gives me a small smile and without another word heads out the front door. I close the door behind her and pause before returning to my poor, fractured parents.

  My mother’s sobs have slowed but my father is still at her side with his arm embracing her, kissing the top of her head. I am the one to speak first. “Well, do you have anything to ask or say to me?”

  “How are you feeling about all of this?” My mother’s squeaks.

  “I mean, I am stunned, obviously, and devastated. Sickened, infuriated, the list goes on and on. But I do know what I want or don’t want for that matter, and I hope you are okay with it.”

  “Of course, Nettie we completely understand.” My dad states.

  “Yes, it’s your choice,” my mom adds. Good, what a relief. I expected them to at least question my choice if not be against it entirely.

  “Ok. I am going to shower before dinner. I really am ok. I know this is tough for you too. But please, please try not to worry.”

  I head upstairs taking the longest shower of my life. Careful not to touch my belly. I don’t even want to think about it. When I am finished, I dress and by the time I am back downstairs dinner is ready. We all sit and eat in silence, broken only by the occasional, “pass the salt.” I hope things go back to normal someday. After helping my mother clean up dinner, I tell them I am tired and go to my room. Which is a lie. I just want to crawl under my covers and pretend this day never happened. It is still light outside, but I don’t care. I collapse on my bed, staring at my white ceiling fan and I begin to pray aloud.

  “Please God help me. I know I am not supposed to question you but I am. Why? Why would you do this to me? What have I done to be punished like this? I am a good person. I know I make mistakes, but I AM A GOOD PERSON!” I roll onto my side and pinch my eyes closed. A lone tear drops to my pillowcase.

  When I wake in the morning, I am surprised because I did not have even one nightmare, at least th
at I remember, the entire night. I gaze out the window and see it is still somewhat dark out. I sneak downstairs and both of my parents are up having their coffee. They go silent when I walk into the room and I briefly wonder if it’s because they were talking about me. “Good morning,” I say, my voice scratchy.

  “Good Morning.” They say in unison. It sounds rehearsed. I join them in sipping a cup of coffee before they go to work. My mother is an event planner and my father owns a local car dealership. He is not the typical salesman. He likes to hide out in his office as much as he can, is always incredibly kind, and would rather be out a few bucks then put someone in a car they don’t need.

  When they leave, I decide to sit down with the pictures that Detective Montgomery gave me again. I separate them as I go so that I know what I have examined and what I haven’t. I am meticulously going through every minute detail. My cell phone vibrates on the table and I look at the caller ID. It’s Dr. Graham’s office. I answer and find I have an appointment made tomorrow morning. I quickly scribble down the address on the back of one of the photos. I am given instructions to prep and told I need to bring someone to drive me home. Good. Tomorrow then. At least part of this will be over.

  I spend the rest of my day cleaning and basically just trying to keep busy. I run a few errands, get some groceries, stop at the post office and the bank. My checking account is being sucked dry, and fast. I need to think about work. Shit, I need to call my boss! By the time evening rolls around I am tired and so are my parents. We decide to order take out. I have explained to my mom that she needs to come with me in the morning and what time. “We need to be there at seven-thirty, so we can’t leave any later than seven. O.K.?”

  “Alright.” She says defensively.

  The morning comes all too soon, and we are in the car headed to the clinic. I am driving because my mother well, terrifies the hell out of me with her driving. I don’t know how she ever gets anywhere. We arrive just a few minutes shy of my appointment time and are taken into a separate waiting room. My mom tries to make small talk for a while, but after a few one-sided conversations, she understands that talking is the last thing I want to do. I can’t focus on anything right now. My mind is racing, my knees are shaking, and I feel sick to my stomach. What the hell is taking so long? I glance up at the clock we have been here almost an hour now and I am starting to get hungry. I place my hand on my belly and offer up a silent prayer. This time I am more forgiving with God and simply asking him for strength. I think he owes me that. Just as I finish my name is called. I sigh and look over at my mother, offering a small assuring grin. Before I can stand without a word my mom wraps me in a quick, tight squeeze before I stand and follow behind the woman in blue.

  When we arrive home, my father is at the door waiting for us. He has tears in his eyes as he puts his arms around me and my mother. Both of us with bloodshot eyes. We cried the entire way home.

  “Oh, baby I am so sorry. You will get through this. All of this. It will all be okay. I promise you. How do you feel?”

  “Sick” I manage. “Dad, I didn’t do it. I am having the baby.” For the first time, I have said it out loud. A baby.

  Chapter 9

  The Choice

  My dad looks completely and utterly shocked. “Are you sure? What made you decide this?” I try and keep my composure as I explain.

  “Well, I’ve been praying a lot lately. I kept wondering why I was being punished. Why would God let something so horrific happen to me and on top of that, I am pregnant!? I just didn’t understand why. Why me? Then as I walked down that hallway at the clinic it hit me. Maybe this is God’s way of giving me some light in the dark. Maybe this baby isn’t a curse, but a blessing. If I can think of him or her as mine and not his then it is a gift from God. My gift. My child, “tears well up in my eyes. Somewhat happy tears. “This is what I make of it. I can let that man continue to destroy me or I can control my own life. So, that’s what I am going to do.” My father looks relieved.

  “I just want you to be sure this is what you want. There is no turning back.”

  “I know you do. And I think I am making the right choice.”

  *

  The next couple of weeks are a blur. I am so tired. I have never been so tired in my entire life. I’ve met with my boss at the paper and he assures me that Sara has done a fine job on her own. We agree that I will be back in one week. I have another appointment with Dr. Graham scheduled for myself and the baby. The baby, that still seems so strange. I never wanted to see Dr. Graham again but now I can’t imagine having anyone else with me on this journey. I feel like I can be comfortable with her. My parents are even being supportive. My mom burst into tears the other morning and said how she cannot believe she is going to be a grandmother. Wow, a grandma, and I, a mother. I am warming to the idea, I suppose. I have spoken with Leigh and informed her of my situation. She said that they haven’t been able to find out which PI Sam used. Apparently, he left no paper trail and deleted any correspondence they may have had. He is smart, very smart. I need to figure out what the situation is with the baby. If he has any rights. I can’t imagine he could, being in jail. What about when he gets out though? His trial should wrap early next week.

  Thankfully I didn’t have to testify. They had enough physical evidence. If they get a verdict early enough in the week, sentencing will be shortly thereafter. He doesn’t know I am pregnant. I hope to go as long as possible without him knowing. He’ll find out eventually, of course. This is a small town after all. I shake my head. He is not going to invade my thoughts. I try and gear my mind toward work. I am going to take some test shots today to get back into the swing of things. It’s been a while. I hope I’ve still got it.

  I drive around for a while just trying to find something that pops out to me to photograph. Something to inspire me and make me passionate again. Before I know it, I am at Millcreek rose gardens. It is so beautiful here. People come to take pictures for special occasions and they even have weddings here. When I get all my gear wrapped over my shoulder, I begin to casually stroll through keeping an eye out for something special. I look across the large lawn and spot a couple walking hand in hand. They can’t be any older than teenagers, but they look so in love. I lift my lens and begin snapping candid shots of the two. I don’t want to invade their privacy, but they are so adorable. They are giggling now and look so happy. The boy nuzzles the girl’s neck and plants a quick peck on her cheek. Click, click, click. I got it. I move on to the gardens themselves. Beautiful red and pink roses line the lawn almost making it so that I am fenced in. A gazebo sits at the south end surrounded by even more roses, this time yellow and white. This is where weddings happen. I have been to one or two here myself. It really is incredible. When I get married, I want it to be here. If I get married. I touch my tummy. Who will ever want to marry me? “Well, at least I’ll have you,” I talk to my tummy. Yes, at least I’ll have you.

  I snap a few more photos of the landscape and some passer byers. I think I should have enough so that I am at least warmed up to go back to work. I’ll have time later to look through them and edit what I need. I guess it’s like riding a bike, you never really forget. I just hope I can keep up with this new life. This baby is making me so tired. And nauseated all the time. I have been reading What to Expect When You're Expecting and according to that, the sickness and fatigue shouldn’t last too much longer: shouldn’t, being the key word. I pack up my things and climb back into the car. I decide to call Jess and Matthew to see if they want to go to a movie or something. I am in such a funk. I need to have a few laughs. Both are up for dinner and a movie. Jess has invited her boyfriend Colton, which is fine, I like Colton. It will be kinda strange though. High school all over again. We were a foursome, always hanging out together. This is exactly what I need.

  We meet at a restaurant next to the movie theatre. It’s a small little Italian place that I love. We opt for the latest “romcom”. Obviously not the boy’s first choice, but they know J
ess and I will be happy, and we need a good laugh. Each of my friends enjoys a glass of wine and I am so jealous. Wine would be great, but I have a little one to take care of.

  I feel like the entire dinner we don’t stop laughing. No one can make me laugh like Jessie. She is the funniest person I know. We finish our meals and head into the movie. God, I could fall asleep right now. I am such a bore. “Nettie come on let’s go pee before the movie. With me having some wine and you preggers I don’t want to have to take a bathroom break,” Jess says.

  “I absolutely agree. And at the rate I have been going, it won’t matter, I’ll still need one!” we both giggle. This is so fun. I needed this!

  The movie was great, and we all had a great laugh, even the boys got a kick out of it. I drop each one of them off because I, of course, am the default DD. I am so thankful to have such great friends around me. None of them judge my decision. They are all supportive and treat me as if this pregnancy was wanted. Planned even. I am not treated as a victim. I am treated as an expectant mother. I like the way that feels. When I arrive home all the lights are out. I know my parents are home, but they must be in bed. I look at the red numbers on the dashboard, 11:52 p.m. I will not be far behind them. I haven’t been up this late by choice in a long time.

  After washing up and heading into bed I decide to flip through some more of the photos of me that the PI took. I get through a good amount of them before starting to doze off. I guess this means I am done for the night. I have yet to find anything of significance in the pictures.

  I only have one stack to go but I can’t tonight. I am too sleepy. Baby has won and he or she needs me to rest. So, this is what the next what twenty-some weeks will be like? I have no trouble falling asleep and wake to the smell of bacon and waffles. Mmmmm the best thing on the planet to wake up to, the smell of bacon. I am famished. I hop out of bed like a kid on Christmas morning and make my way to the kitchen. My mom is dressed already and busy at the skillet.