Beyond Broken

by Kristin Vayden

  “We all want to leave something behind,” I responded, holding his gaze.

  “Yeah, but it’s all in how you do it. You better believe that people remember my dad. They remember his fortune, his company, his double crossing and manipulation. And that’s what I remember. That’s his huge legacy. Bullshit.”

  “We all know, deep inside, that we were made for more,” I said softly as we continued to walk.

  “More?” Greyson questioned.

  “Yeah, we want to leave a legacy because that’s how we were created. No one wants to live as if their existence didn’t matter at all. We all want to have something to show for our time here on earth. We want to be remembered and remembered well. We need validation, but sadly, we often look for it in the wrong places.” I studied the grassy path in front of me.

  “Yeah, tell me about it. But even if you do leave a legacy worth remembering, how long will it last? A few years? At the most a hundred. Or say you’re the next Joan of Arc or Martin Luther King, Jr. You’ll be remembered in history books but does what we do ever really matter?” Greyson shook his head, his grip on my hand tightening slightly.

  “Depends on why you’re doing it…”

  “How so?” His gray gaze cut to mine.

  “Are you doing it to redeem yourself? Get into heaven? Do your motives serve your good or the good of others? We can’t buy grace with our actions or money. But if you’re giving of yourself, your resources with a selfless intention then that makes a difference. It might be one person, or it could be a whole country. But if you don’t do it with love, then it’s useless.”

  “And now I’m even more depressed. Thanks, Sophia.” Greyson raised an eyebrow but didn’t change the subject.

  “You make it sound so easy.” Greyson’s eyes narrowed as he studied me. He broke his gaze and studied his shoes. “But it’s not, Sophia. You grew up into that belief, I didn’t. You’ve seen the good… I’ve seen the shit—”

  “Okay, you need to stop there.” I held up my hand and took a step back. Millions of mental images of poverty, sickness, death and abuse that I’d seen in the Philippines rushed through my mind in sequence. I was angry. Not because he wasn’t willing to believe what I did, but because he was pitying himself and using it as an excuse.

  “Listen well, Greyson Bentley. Listen well to yourself. You are saying that since I grew up the way I did, seeing all the—” I raised my hands and made invisible quotations marks in the air, “—good in life, it’s easy for me to believe all this? That’s the excuse you’re giving me? Did I misunderstand?”

  “When you say it that way…”

  “Yeah, because I grew up with women dropping off half-starved babies on our porch. I’ve seen children die from malnutrition, abuse, and neglect. I’ve seen families struggle simply to survive, or drug-addicts starve their children so they can afford another hit. That is not what I would call the good side of life, Greyson.” My heart was pounding.

  His eyes widened and he glanced away, studying the dirt.

  I took a deep breath and calmed down. “It’s because I’ve seen hell, the worst, that I believe what I believe. It changes people. It saves marriages, families and delivers people from their worst enemy… themselves.” I released a heavy and shaky sigh as I willed the hot tears that pricked my eyes at the memories.

  “Well, I feel like an ass,” Greyson said quietly.

  Against my better judgment I giggled.

  “Hey, don’t laugh. You’re supposed to be pissed at me.” Greyson gave me a small lop-sided grin but sobered immediately. “I really can’t see past myself, can I?” He stuffed his hands in his jeans and leaned back.

  My shoulders sagged under the weight of his words. I wasn’t trying to make him feel that way, just offer some perspective; one he didn’t possess. Hopefully he saw that, didn’t just bring the focus back to himself. But it was hard. He was struggling to make it all fit.

  “Greyson… it’s hard for any of us to see past our own pain. I’m sorry I got so upset. Just because your pain is different, doesn’t lessen its impact on your life. I wasn’t trying to imply the opposite. What I was trying to say was that what someone believes is more than just personal experience. It’s a way of existence.”

  “Promise me something?” Greyson asked quietly as he glanced up and stole my breath with his piercing gaze.

  “What?” I asked breathlessly.

  “Tell me what your kryptonite is. It’s hard being weak when the one you’re falling for is so damn strong.” He rubbed his head causing his tousled hair to stand up in places. My heart jumped at his declaration.

  “Greyson… You already know my kryptonite.” I exhaled heavily. “And believe me, I’m just as messed up as the next person. I get wrapped up in my own problems, lose sight of others, and am easily distracted from what is right. I struggle with self-control, and I’m far too opinionated.” I chuckled. “You should know that one.” I raised an eyebrow and gave him a grin. “We’re all broken, Greyson, just some of us know who to go to if we want to be fixed. But with that, comes the desire to help others find their way too.”

  “Is that what you’re trying to do? Fix me?” His eyes were serious but a chuckle escaped him. “You make it sound like I’m taking a trip to the damn vet.” He shook his head.

  “No, I’m just trying to show you who can.” I held his gaze for a moment, memorizing the way his eyes caressed my body, the way he search my face and studied my expression. I wanted to remember it. When this week ended, I wanted to have this moment, this expression to remember when he was gone, when he moved on with his life. I wanted to have just a piece to carry with me when I no longer had the real thing.

  “You look sad.” Greyson’s brow furrowed as he took a step closer.

  “Just thinking.” I gave him a weak smile and glanced at my watch. “Crap! We need to get back. I have a few other rounds to make before lunch and we’ve been out here for quite a while.” I turned to head back to the center but Greyson reached out and grasped my elbow, covering it with his determined grasp and I halted.

  “You never did answer my question.” He leaned forward so that his warm chest was against my back. The rise and fall of his breathing was hypnotizing. He inhaled deeply just below my ear, sending shivers of awareness throughout my body.

  “Oh?” I whispered, unable to find my voice.

  “What’s your kryptonite, Sophia?” he whispered against the soft flesh at the side of my neck. My blood roared in my ears.

  “You.”

  Chapter Ten

  Confused. I was so incredibly confused. During lunch and all afternoon I continued to mentally run over my conversation with Greyson. I was at a complete loss as to what to do, where to go from there. I had all but admitted to having feelings for him. That could be nothing but a recipe for disaster, couldn’t it?

  As my shift came to a close I found Greyson flipping through a GQ magazine on his couch while watching Sports Center.

  “Hey, Supergirl.” He grinned and stood, reaching over to turn off the TV. The flat screen blackened as he tossed the magazine onto the coffee table making a slapping sound.

  “Hey…” I responded shyly.

  “How was your afternoon?” Greyson leaned back and stuffed his hands in his jeans, regarding me openly.

  “That’s my question.” I arched an eyebrow and came closer, sliding off my stethoscope from around my neck and gesturing to the couch. Obediently, he sat and waited for me to take his vitals.

  “Whatever. All I know is that I’m sick of damn group therapy. If one more person asks me to explain my feelings or describe any emotion whatsoever, I will lose my shit. End of story. And the occupational therapy? Seriously? You actually expect me to sit down and do some sort of damn craft? Do I look like I’m in kindergarten to you? Am I still high or something? I’m not exactly playing with rag dolls here. Shit.” He blew out an exasperated breath and shook his head.

  “Struggle with the basket weaving?” I teased, hoping
to lighten the mood.

  “Shut up.” He glared at me. “You couldn’t do it either.” A grin broke through causing me to relax.

  “I did fail that class in college…” I sighed dramatically as I glanced upward.

  “Yeah…” Greyson rolled his eyes. “Okay, since you’re a basket weaving failure, you decided to be a nurse. Comforting.”

  “Thought you’d appreciate that information.”

  “So how was your afternoon? Please tell me something at least a little more exciting than what I’m living. I’m in desperate need of living vicariously right now.

  “It was fine, routine. Hold out your hand.”

  “Seriously? It’s like a repeat of this afternoon.” Greyson teased, but there was a frustrated edge to his voice. At his tone, I glanced up from taking his vitals and began wrapping the cord around the blood pressure machine.

  “Hmm?”

  “You, again. I asked you how your afternoon went and you ordered me around. Not that I mind being ordered around by you…” He winked and gave me wicked grin that made his eyes smolder.

  At his heated gaze my body exploded in tingling sensations that made my nerves start buzzing. To distract myself I picked up my iPad.

  “Sorry. I got distracted.” I shrugged.

  “By me?” Greyson’s grin widened.

  “Maybe… I don’t want your ego to grow any larger.” I teased as I set the iPad down on the coffee table. “My afternoon was great.”

  “That’s all you’re going to give me? Shit, Sophia, I have to tell you if I sneeze too many times.” He shook his head and gave a chuckle. “Can you give me a bit more detail?”

  “Sure. I made my rounds, had lunch and then came back to check on your highness before I clocked out,” I replied cheekily, my nerves calming.

  “Your highness… I like it. Does that mean I can order you to do a few things? I think I like that better.”

  “I was being sarcastic.” I rolled my eyes.

  “Pity.”

  “For you.”

  “Oh, Sophia… for you too…” He winked then walked back to the couch and picked up his magazine.

  “I want your opinion.” Greyson’s forehead furrowed as if deep in thought. He toyed with the shiny paper of the magazine nervously, rolling it up then releasing it only to do it again.

  “Okay.” I crossed my arms in front of me.

  “What… How do you feel about charity? I mean, what would you do if you had extra money? What would you do with it? I want to be better. I need to see past myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about what we talked about this morning and I need to make some changes. I have a company that already is required to give, even if it’s just for a tax break, but that’s not enough, is it? I need to do more. Be more worthy, give—”

  “Okay… hold up.” I raised my hand.

  Greyson paused his oration and sent me a concerned look, his gray eyes stormy and confused. “You’re going about the right thing, the wrong way.” I shook my head and took a few steps closer.

  “It’s not a money issue, or anything else. It’s a heart issue. You don’t give so that you feel better about yourself. You give out of love. Doing good things is wonderful, selfless, and exactly what you need to do, but if you’re doing it because you want to alleviate guilt, or make you feel better about yourself, then you’re going to fail. Your gift will be a blessing, but it won’t change you. What’s in your heart pours out through your words, actions, even thoughts. That is what changes you — reforming your heart. And that happens when you change your perspective from serving self… to others. Exactly what you want to do, just a different way of doing it. One that not only blesses others, but yourself.”

  “How do you see it?” Greyson asked then studied the large picture window.

  “Nothing we do can get us into heaven, if that’s what you’re asking. Only grace.”

  “Hmm.” Greyson’s shoulders lifted with a deep breath, accenting his broad back and the sinew tightening beneath his t-shirt.

  I waited, unsure of what to do. Greyson seemed lost in his own thoughts and I didn’t want to interrupt. After a moment, he turned to me.

  “So if I give, or do something right, it doesn’t erase something bad?”

  “Nope. Only grace can erase.”

  “Damn. There went my theory.” Greyson rubbed the back of his neck and gave me a wry grin.

  “Yeah, sorry about that.” I lifted one shoulder, a smile playing on my lips.

  “It’s okay. I’d rather know the truth. But… if we do good things… what good is it then? I mean, at the risk of sounding selfish, why do anything good? Why not just live it up if there’s nothing we can do to make it better?”

  “You’re forgetting about grace. It cleans us, making us want to serve, and through serving find joy. Let me ask you something.” I tilted my head. “Greyson, you’re a prime example. You have everything, and if you don’t have it, you can buy it. You’re young and handsome, rich and famous — everything that people think will make them happy. But does it?”

  “Make me happy? Um, Sophia? I’m in a rehab center for taking drugs to escape my life, to deal with it. I think that’s your answer.” He gave me a disbelieving expression.

  “Exactly. There’s only temporary joy, fulfillment, and happiness in all of that. But through grace…” I walked to the couch and sat down next to Greyson. “Through grace, we have joy from God, a thankfulness for what he’s done to save us that pours into the lives of others, giving them and us joy, fulfillment and lasting peace. Peace, Greyson.”

  “Hmmm… It’s kinda freaking me out that you’re making sense.”

  “Because it gets harder to disregard?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” he whispered.

  “It’s been a long day, Greyson. We’ve talked about some pretty heavy stuff. Do me a favor and do something fun this evening… okay?” I pushed him on the shoulder, causing him to rock slightly. He gave me a sideways glance and smiled.

  “Yeah… fun. Rehab center… remember? What am I going to do? Watch TV? Play chess with the guy down the hall with heroin detox?” Greyson jerked his chin toward the door his eyes filled with humor.

  “You could always walk laps around the nurses’ station.” I offered as I stood. At his eye roll I chuckled. “Watch a movie… eat some popcorn, and I’ll tell you what. Tomorrow I’ll bring bacon.”

  His eyes widened and a smile slowly spread across his face, illuminating the dark shadows that had been there earlier in our conversation. His beauty, his raw masculinity was enough to steal my breath and I glanced down, attempting to recover. Would I ever get used to it?

  “You just made my night. You know what? No movie, I’ll just go to bed early and when I wake up? Bacon!” He stood and rubbed his hands together. “But hey, no cheap imitation shit… I want the real deal that’s perfectly crisped so that it’s tender but still slightly crunchy… oh man.”

  I began to laugh as his eyes took on a far off and wistful expression. The person who said that a way to a man’s heart was through his stomach must have known someone like Greyson.

  “Yeah… you’re drooling, Greyson.” I tapped the side of my lips and winked.

  He rubbed his mouth and grinned. “Am not.”

  “You were about to. What is it with you and bacon anyway?” I giggled as he continued to smile.

  “It’s the world’s most perfect food,” he said with a shrug, as if his answer was universally known and I was an idiot for not being aware.

  “Ahh… Also it includes enough fat to give you cardiac arrest.” I quirked an eyebrow.

  “Sophia…” Greyson shook his head. “You really do need to loosen up. Yes. Bacon is like… deep-frying butter. I’ll admit that… but it’s still good, delicious. Just because something isn’t perfectly healthy doesn’t mean you should avoid it. Sometimes you have to eat your cake. I’m pretty sure God’s not against dessert. You shouldn’t be against stuff like it either. Life is to be lived… even if it’s t
hrough things like bacon. I mean, according to you, God made all of it anyway. Don’t you think he made it good for a reason? For us to enjoy it?” Greyson crossed his arms, a triumphant expression on his face.

  “Wow. I must say I’m impressed. I’ll admit that you’re right.” I shrugged as I watched his eyes widen.

  “Say it again.” He nodded his chin as his smile grew.

  “What?” I feigned ignorance.

  “That I’m right. Say it again, Sophia. Let me hear the words.” He waved his hand toward me then cupped his ear and leaned forward. An arrogant smirk on his face.

  “No,” I shot back.

  “Yes.” Greyson straightened, his grin still broad but his eyes glowed with a mischievous glint that had me taking a step back. He was up to something… and I wasn’t sure I was ready for whatever it was.

  “Greyson…” I warned, my eyes darting around the room for an escape path as he began to stalk me. His lithe body moved gracefully across the floor, as his gray gaze watched me and calculated my movements with precise accuracy.

  I waited for his gaze to waver, to move even just slightly, but it didn’t. So I continued to step back then winced as the cool metal door handle pressed into my back. Counting to three, I waited till he got a few steps closer while I watched his eyes dance. Quickly I ducked out of his reach and spun around him, racing across the room. In less than a few seconds, a warm hand reached around and grasped my waist, lifting me off the floor. I barely caught my scream, knowing if I had let it escape I’d be discovered in a less than ideal situation. Yet the concern was immediately lost in the warm arms of Greyson as he held me.