Used

by Kate Dunbar

  Tears stream down my cheeks, but they don’t faze him. He strokes my cheeks with his thumbs and wipes the tears away. “I’m here. Whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with me. I’ll prove to you that you’re worth it. I will make you see what I see. And someday, I hope, you’ll trust me with your secrets. Until then …”

  “Until then?” My eyes find his.

  “Until then …” He sighs. “Let’s get you home.” He backs up, leaving me against the pole gasping and shaking with tears tracking down my face.

  Trevor leans down to pick my purse and shoes up off the ground and holds them out to me. He didn’t just grab me off the hammock. He grabbed my stuff too. I take them from him and push my feet back into the heels—those damn fuck me heels—and turn to see him waiting next to the path for me.

  “What are you doing, Trevor? Why are you doing this?”

  “Sabra.” He hangs his head and runs his hands through his hair. “Let’s go home.” Trevor’s shoulders are slumped as he walks down the path to the parking lot. He turns and holds out his hand when he realizes I’m not following him.

  Home. I don’t know what that is. The concept is foreign to me. But I know Trevor, and right now, he feels like the safest place in the entire world.

  I don’t take the hand he offers me, but I do walk toward him. Which is all I can do. And it’s going to have to be enough. For now.

  NINE and TWELVE

  The sun beats on my body, toasting through a layer or two of skin. Mama told me to get out of the pool and go dry off. I have dance class in about an hour. Ballet. It’s my favorite. After she told me to, “Get out of that water right now, Missy Lou,” for the third time, I jumped out. We ran down the lawn to the grove of trees where our hidden hammock was, laughing and squealing, my hair flying behind me as she chased me. Mama skidded to a stop when I made it to the hammock, leaping into the middle of it, and put her hands on her hips.

  “Okay, Sabra, you have fifteen minutes out here to dry off. Then you must get back to the house to put on your black leotard and pink tights, understand?”

  “Yes, Mama. I’ll be ready.” She crossed over to me and kissed me on the forehead. Then she took off running and laughing down the hill back toward the house.

  This hammock in the trees is my favorite place in the whole, wide world. It’s a special place my daddy created for me on my sixth birthday. Out here, I create worlds and imagine traveling and draw my secret art. The pictures I tell no one about. The ones I hide in the tree trunk. I’m not sure why I hide them except I like having something for me. Like this hammock. It’s all mine. No one in my family comes here unless it’s to tell me to get off the hammock and get moving. They tell me that a lot because I’m out here all the time. I close my eyes and relax into the ropes, feeling them press into the skin on my back and legs. This is my happy place.

  The hammock swaying jars me. “Hey, Songbird.”

  And just like that, every muscle tenses, and I can’t move. I stare at him and open my mouth to say something, but nothing will come out. Lucas perches on the hammock next to me and places a hand on my stomach. “It’s peaceful out here. I can see why you like to come here so much.”

  “Mama’s gonna be here in a minute to get me.”

  He smirks at me and moves his hand to my thigh, rubbing lightly. “No, she’s not. She sent me to come get you and tell you that you have five more minutes.”

  I sit straight up. “Then I should get going. I don’t want to be late for ballet. We’re working on Sleeping Beauty today.” But his hand moves to my chest, pushing me down while he lays beside me.

  “We have five minutes. Lay here with me.” And then his hand moves. Slow, but sure. Now the ropes of the hammock cut into me for a different reason. A tear slips out of my eye. My safe place disappears.

  CHAPTER SIX

  The tension in the car is too much. I feel like I’m drowning.

  Fear. Shame. Gratitude. Embarrassment. All of it crashes over me in waves. I have no idea what to do or say to this beautiful man driving me home. The one guy who has always shown me kindness and been a friend to me over the past four years. And now he’s saved me from what would have been a huge mistake. If we make it out of this as friends, it will be a miracle.

  “Sabra.” His voice strains against the silence in the car.

  “No.” I stare straight ahead and curl my hands in my lap.

  “Just … tell me how to—” His knuckles turn white on the steering wheel.

  “No, Trevor. Nothing can fix any of this. You can’t do anything. No words are enough, so let it go.”

  “Fine.”

  My shoulders relax with that one word coming out of his mouth. I lean my forehead on the window and watch the world zip by. There are no words I can say to him, and its best I don’t even try. I’ve done enough damage tonight.

  We’re almost to my apartment complex. If I can get out of this car—make it to my door and inside with no more words—it will be a win.

  “For now,” he mutters under his breath.

  My head snaps up, and I stare at him as Trevor pulls into a parking spot near my apartment. A slight frown plays on his lips. He takes his time putting the car into park, his hand lingering on the gear shift between us. I watch him for a second as he stares out the windshield. The furrow between those eyes I love to gaze into deepens. I don’t know what to do.

  “Sabra.” His deep, velvety voice fills the car, seeping into every nook and cranny. Finding its way into the crevices and cracks of me. And I can’t have that.

  “Thank you for the ride. Thank you for … everything.” I interrupt him before he can say more. Nothing can be said to change anything or make it okay. My thanks isn’t enough or the right words, but it’s all I have right now. It’s all I can give him.

  Trevor stops me with a hand on my arm as I reach for the door. “Come on. I’ll walk you up.”

  I take his hand in mine and gently lift it off me, placing it back on the gear shift with a slight smile. “No, Trev, that’s okay. There’s no need for that. You’ve done enough for me tonight already.” My hand remains on top of his, my eyes lingering on his face. “Really. I’ve got it from here.” I don’t want this to be the last moment with him tonight, but it has to be. Because of Lucas.

  “Sabra, I don’t know what’s going on, but something has turned you inside out.” He moves to grab his door handle. “I’m not going to let you take yourself upstairs when you’re obviously upset and … scared, I think … of something.” He pauses and shifts to put his hand on my cheek, sliding it to my neck. His thumb rubs gently under my ear while he leans toward me. “I wish you’d talk to me.”

  I can’t stop looking at him. I didn’t know they made them like this.

  “You know my mom would kill me if she knew I didn’t use my manners.” The smile that accompanies his words is tight. He’s trying to lighten the mood surrounding us. Weighing us down on what has become a dark night with no shining stars. The clouds are thick and heavy.

  Kill.

  It’s an empty word to him. An attempt at humor to try to lighten the mood again. But a reminder to me of what’s at stake. A word that has followed and haunted me most of my life. A threat I can’t afford to lose sight of if I want to survive. If I want those I cherish and love to survive. It’s all too real to me.

  He’s out.

  “Trev, I’ve got this.” I smile weakly and try to show him a brave face. “I walk myself to my apartment on my own every day. And I promise to tell Tina you’ve been nothing but amazing to me the next time I see her.” I laugh at the mix of frustration and amusement on his face and shove his shoulder playfully. His hand relinquishes the hold it has on me. “You know she loves me more than you anyway. It’s just … I want to walk up those stairs and go home on my own. I know you don’t understand what’s happening right now, but it’s important to me.”

  I need him to let me do this to make it easier. I need something to be easy right now. Anything. Even
if it’s saying goodbye and not easy at all.

  Trevor’s face falls, and I can see I’ve hurt him. Again. I keep doing that. But I have to shut him out right now. Put up walls and hide behind smiles. Try to disappear and not be noticed. These are the things I know how to do best. Even if it pushes one of the few people I trust completely away. I don’t know how to do anything differently. It’s what’s best for him. For us.

  “Okay.” He resigns to my wishes. “Good night, Sabra. Rest well.” He stretches out to brush his finger down my cheek, but I move quickly, stepping out of the car before he can reach me. His touch will be my undoing. I can already feel the sting behind my eyes. The dam threatening to break.

  “Good night.” I shut the door, turn to walk away, and stop. A quick pause before I take one more step, but a stop all the same.

  A shadow sits on the steps leading to my door. And I know exactly who it is. It’s the same shadow that’s been following me my whole life.

  I turn and flash a smile in Trevor’s direction when I hear the passenger side window roll down, giving a wave in Trevor’s direction. This solidifies it. There’s no doubt in my mind I’m making the right decision. I can’t have him following me and jumping into the middle of this. Whatever this is now.

  Bracing myself, I take a deep breath and make myself move toward the only person in my life I hoped to never see again. The one human being on this earth who makes me feel cold and dead inside with just the mention of his name. The person I must now face if I’m going to choose to live later.

  “You missed dinner.” Lucas doesn’t stand when I get near him or even look at me. He sits there with his shoulders hunched and his head down, eyes on the ground, copper hair glinting in the light. If I didn’t know him better, I’d think he was sad. But I do know him, and this is part of his game.

  “I had things to do for school. I’m only a few classes away from graduating with my master’s degree.” I stand a safe distance away from him—an arm’s length—in case I need to turn and run. Years of needing to run have taught me not to get too close. I try to sound strong and nonchalant, but the quiver in my voice gives away my nervousness and fear. “Sorry.”

  I’m not sorry.

  “More important things to do than welcome your big brother back to the living?” And that’s when he looks at me. Those dark eyes I learned to hate at such an early age—an age no little girl should ever learn to hate anyone—drill a hole into me, waiting for my response. Patient as always.

  He smiles with his eyes never leaving mine and stands, stepping in my direction. Towering over me. “What? No hug?” He spreads his arms wide and moves my way again.

  Two more steps.

  I take a step back from him, keeping myself in the safe zone. “I don’t want to get you sick. I haven’t been feeling great.” My feet shuffle side to side. Back and forth. They do a small dance of their own volition, ready to move at a moment’s notice. “Didn’t Mom tell you? That’s why I missed dinner tonight. I had to go to the store and grab some medicine so I can make it to class tomorrow.”

  “You were feeling bad?” Lucas quirks a brow at me and takes another step.

  Four steps.

  His gaze travels over my body. Lingers long enough to make me even more uncomfortable then moves to my purse and hands. I’m insanely aware of how I must look. “Where’s the medicine?”

  “They were out,” I croak, flapping my hands in the air. I can smell the alcohol from the bar wafting off me and say a silent prayer that he doesn’t notice. “They didn’t have what I was looking for.” I still my feet and cross my arms, forcing a small smile while trying to look comfortable. Praying I look relaxed, and he can’t tell when I’m lying to him anymore.

  “Honestly, Sabra?” His face turns pink, and the vein in his neck shows. All signs his limits are being pushed. Seven years behind bars hasn’t changed that. “I know you better than anyone on this planet. After all this time, you’re going to try to lie to me?” His voice is even. Smooth. Not a hint of the anger I know is boiling beneath the calm façade as he takes another step in my direction.

  Five.

  “Lucas, I’m not lying to you. I wasn’t feeling good.” Fear races through me, and a small bead of sweat courses down my spine. “I got dressed to run some errands and come to dinner. Of course, I wanted to see you.” My words stick in my throat as the nausea builds. I don’t know if I can do this. He opens his mouth to respond, and I hurry on, “And part way through running my errands, the nausea hit me. I’ve been dealing with it all day, but this time it was stronger. I couldn’t ignore it.”

  Not a total lie.

  “As much as I hated it, I had to make a choice, and I didn’t want to get anyone else sick. So, I chose to go to the store, grab some medicine, and head home.” I run my hands through my hair, trying to smooth it out. “But they were out, so I came home to take a bath and go to bed in the hopes of being a hundred percent by morning.”

  Lucas stares at me. His gaze hasn’t left my face the entire time, scrutinizing my every feature as I tell him my story. Looking for any sign I’m not being one hundred percent truthful with him. Waiting for any excuse to punish me. Just like old times.

  “Okay,” he says with a sympathetic smile. He seems to believe me, and I try not to burst into tears. Instead, I shift toward the wall to make my way up the stairs toward my door. To escape.

  “I’m going to head inside and try to get better. I’ll call you later. We can catch up then, sound good?” Lucas doesn’t move when I slide along and try to squeeze past him. He doesn’t give an inch so that I can get by without touching him. My arm brushes his as I slip by, and my stomach lurches. “Have a good night, Lucas,” I manage through clenched teeth, working to hold down the alcohol and what little I ate tonight.

  “Sabra.” Lucas’s hand closes around my elbow, and he pulls me back against his chest. “Let me go upstairs with you,” he whispers in my ear. “I’ll help draw your bath and get you settled. Take care of you. It can be just like it used to be.” The finger on the inside of my arm moves back and forth, burning a path so deep I’m sure there will be a scar.

  There’s no controlling the shaking of my body or my voice. “No, Luc—”

  “Sabra?” I turn quickly as Lucas drops his hand but doesn’t move away. “Are you okay?” Trevor stands on the sidewalk a few feet away.

  “I’m fine.” But I can’t look him in the eyes. I can’t let him see the amount of terror and panic racing through me or the way my hands tremble. I can’t let him think I need help. That he should get involved. So, I clench them in front of me and turn to make my escape, saying over my shoulder, “I promise, I’m fine.”

  Confusion flashes in Trevor’s eyes and anger flares in Lucas’s face as he glares at my dearest friend when I look back at them. Trevor looks at my brother and reaches his hand toward him. “I don’t think we’ve ever met. Hi, I’m Trevor. Sabra’s friend.”

  No. I suck in a breath and realize I can’t walk away and leave Trevor to deal with my brother by himself. I can’t trust Lucas not to do something stupid. So, I turn around and take a few steps back down, force a smile onto my face, and wave a hand in their direction.

  “Trevor, meet my brother, Lucas. Lucas, this is one of my best … one of my friends, Trevor.”

  Lucas stares at me while slowly moving toward Trevor with his hand out. “One of your best friends, huh?” He grasps Trevor’s hand and turns to face him squarely. And there’s the one-hundred-watt smile Lucas is known for. The one that places every person in my life under his spell. I can’t help but pray to the heavens Trevor can see through it. That he won’t fall for it or him. “Any friend of Sabra’s is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you, Trevor. How long have you known my sister?”

  Trevor takes Lucas’s hand in his firm grip and gives it a quick shake. “Four years. We met the first day of classes my senior year.” He glances at me and takes a tiny step in my direction. I can hear the questions floating in the air from hi
m and feel the confusion and anger coming off him in waves.

  Why didn’t he know I had a brother? Or any sibling, for that matter? How have I kept that secret from him when I know he has two sisters—Maggie and Ellie—who adore him and think he’s hung the moon? They’re two of his favorite women in the world. Where is the fear coming from that has my shoulders scrunched up around my ears and the lines in my forehead wrinkled? Is this the secret I’ve been keeping from him? What other secrets do I have?

  All questions I can’t answer right now. Or maybe ever.

  “That sounds like a story I should hear.” Lucas claps his hand on Trevor’s shoulder. “Maybe dinner one—”

  “No,” I yell at them. Both men swing their heads in my direction with wide eyes as panic sets in. An all-encompassing dread I can’t shake off. “I mean, come on, Lucas. There’s no need to put the pressure on Trevor. We’re just friends.” I look into Trevor’s eyes and plead with him to understand. “Right, Trevor?”

  “Right.” He looks uncomfortable and drops his head to stare at the tips of his shoes.

  “So … Did you need something? Why are you here?” I move a couple of steps in Trevor’s direction, my eyes tracking my brother’s movements.

  He looks at my door and back at me with a determined look. “I wanted to make sure you made it inside safely. I couldn’t go home without checking on you.” He shifts his weight. “I couldn’t just leave.”

  Lucas takes his time looking back and forth between us before taking a step toward me and putting his hand on my shoulder. “You know what, Sabra? I’ll let you guys talk. We’ll catch up later.” The heat from his hand burns through my shirt. I swear there will be an imprint there to match the invisible scar on my arm. Which is exactly what he wants. To burn me and mark me as his for the rest of our lives. The thought of it has my stomach cramping.

  “Sounds good. I’ll … I’ll call you in the next couple of days.”