Used

by Kate Dunbar

  Trevor leans over with his feet on the floor, braces his forearms against his knees, and clasps his hands together. “I’m listening. Give me everything you can.” He lifts his head to look me in the eyes, steady as can be. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  I slide down the wall opposite him and pull my knees back to my chest, taking a few deep breaths to steady myself and my pounding heart.

  “It started when I was eight …”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  I stop talking, and the room is eerily quiet except for my sniffling. I try to gain control of my emotions and not fold under the pressure of all the words I’ve handed him while I wait for his response. I told him everything and left out nothing. He said he could handle it and wanted all of me, and this is all of me. The good, the bad, the used, and the broken.

  But I realized something as I told him my story. I’m also healing, piecing myself back together shard by shard. What was once shattered is now whole and living again, albeit with corners chipped off and missing. I was lost before, but now I’m finding myself and allowing myself to be found by others. By Trevor.

  I’ve held my story in for so long I didn’t realize the entirety of my journey. It didn’t end with Lucas going to prison. Chapters were still being written. They’re continuing to be put on the page. No one has written the end yet. The tears move to the ugly crying stage when I have this epiphany.

  Trevor’s head snaps up when my sobs escape, but he doesn’t move to me. I could stop here. It’d probably be enough for Trevor. A look of torture crosses over his face as I speak each word. Emotions and pain etch into his body and cut me deeper than any words he could speak or say in return. It wouldn’t surprise me if it were all too much for him.

  I pause and try to calm down. Breathe and ask him if he wants me to continue.

  He looks up with his own tears pooling in the bottom of his eyes and tells me he is here. He’s not going anywhere. He wants all of me.

  So, I give it to him. I finish with getting the phone call from Lucas that morning with Trevor sitting beside me. The roses. The notes. The message on the wall. I give it all to him and pray it won’t break him. Won’t hurt what we’ve started together.

  And now I sit here staring and waiting for him to say something. Anything at all.

  Trevor looks at me. The tears are still there, but there’s an emptiness in his expression. He wipes his eyes and drags his hands through his hair. Then he slowly stands and takes a step in my direction.

  “Sabra.” His voice croaks, as if his throat is raw from holding in everything he’s feeling. “Please let me come to you.”

  I hesitate and watch him, trying to decipher what he’s thinking and feeling, but all I see is a man broken for my sake. A man I’ve tried to run from. A soul I’ve tried to push away. But he’s always there—waiting—and I keep slamming back into his arms.

  “Please, Say,” he rasps.

  My head nods once, and he falls to his knees in front of me. His arms wrap around my waist and gather me to his chest.

  I don’t know where the tears come from because I’ve been crying for an hour, but a new dam breaks. Guttural moans and sobs wrack my body against him. I realize as I’m calming down—his tear-drenched shirt gripped in my hands and my body still shaking—that he is shaking too.

  “I’m sorry. So sorry,” he whispers above me while he rocks us both back and forth. “I’m so sorry, Sabra.”

  I cup his face and tenderly brush away the lone tear track on his cheek. “Shhhh … Trevor, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

  “I can’t … I don’t know how to make this better.” His warm breath plays against my thumb as I rub it along his bottom lip.

  “You can’t make it all better. Nothing can make this better. It goes deeper than that.” I shake my head at him and wipe another tear off my own cheek. “But you, at this moment … you staying is enough. I was afraid you’d stand up and walk through the door without a backward glance once you knew. But you’re still here, with me.”

  “I promised you I would be here, Sabra. Nothing you say can make me walk away.” He pulls back, cups my cheeks, and tangles his fingers in my hair. “I meant every word I said to you earlier.”

  “I wouldn’t blame you if it were too much. It’s a lot for anyone to take, I know.”

  He grips my hair a little tighter before loosening his hold. Then he stands while picking me up and cradling me in his arms. “It is a lot, but it’s a part of you. And I meant it when I said I want all of you.” He sits back on the couch, settles me on his lap, and lays my head on his chest while his own falls onto the back of the couch. “I have something to tell you, too.”

  “What?”

  A moment passes before he pulls his head up and sighs. “The notes were from me.”

  “What?”

  “They were from me.” He looks around the room and then back into my eyes, squeezing me tighter against him. He holds me in a vice grip as if he’s scared I’m going to run away. “I was trying to be romantic, and I figured you would guess they were from me. If I had known.” Another gasp leaves him as his head falls back again. “I’m so sorry.”

  “But the roses …”

  “Were not from me,” he answers. “But I promise you, we will find out for certain who’s doing this and take care of it. And I’m sorry for my part with the notes. I didn’t know.” He lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses my knuckles. “Please forgive me.”

  “Trevor.” I lay my head in the crook of his neck and kiss him where his pulse pounds against my lips. “You didn’t know. There’s nothing to forgive.”

  He lifts and shifts me so I’m looking straight at him with my legs on either side of his hips. “Are you sure? I would never do anything to hurt you. To scare you or to threaten you.” He tunnels his hands back into my hair and stares deeply into my eyes. “You are everything to me, Sabra. Tell me you know that.”

  “I do.” I nod and place a small kiss to the corner of his lips. “I do, Trevor.” I kiss over his pulse point again and up his neck, breathing in his ear. “Thank you for listening and not running.” I nip on his earlobe, whispering, “Thank you for wanting all of me.”

  “Sabra,” he growls out from clenched teeth. “I’m barely holding myself together here.” His hands stroke up and down my spine.

  I nibble his jaw, kiss him on the opposite corner of his lips, and smile, breathing out. “I want you, Trevor. All of you.”

  His hands still. “Are you sure? We can wait. It doesn’t have to be now.”

  “Yes. It does.” I rock on his lap and push my lips to his while swallowing his moan. “I need this. I need you.”

  He’s tentative at first. His hands roam down my back again while our kiss moves from sweet to seductive. I feel every reaction his body has against mine, and the warmth spreads through me, pooling in my core.

  Trevor moves his hands into my hair and tilts my head, deepening the kiss further. I pull back and yank his shirt out of the front of his pants and see his eyes go molten on me. He picks me up and cradles me to his chest again, walking me down the hallway to my bedroom.

  “What are you doing?” My hands unbutton his shirt while I rain kisses on all the places I can reach.

  “I’m not making love to you on your couch, Sabra.” He pushes my bedroom door open with the toe of his shoe. “I’ve waited a long time for this moment, and I want you in a bed. I plan on letting you know exactly what I mean when I say I want all of you.”

  “Oh.” The word rushes out of me.

  He lays me in the middle of the bed and lifts the hem of my shirt while sprinkling kisses across my abdomen. Licking. Sliding higher as I squirm under his touch. He pauses his assault on me and looks up with a twinkle in his eye. “Yes, oh. I plan on making you say oh right along with my name tonight.” He goes back to the path he had abandoned.

  “Is that so?” I scoff. He lifts my shirt up past my bra and sits back to stare at me.

  “Shhhh …” He waves his han
d and presses his fingers over my lips. “Give me a minute.”

  I lie still, watching and waiting as he tenderly slides the back of his fingers up my sides and the curve of my breasts.

  “You are beautiful, Sabra.” He brushes his knuckles over my lace bra, making my nipples tight.

  A gasp escapes me, and I arch my back toward him.

  “You like that?” He slides his fingers back and forth, watching my body move and beg for more of its own volition. When I’m not sure I’m going to be able to take anymore, he undoes the clasp and leans down to pull me into his mouth.

  I can’t keep the groans inside me as he worships my body. Licking, biting, soothing away the raw and jagged edges I have.

  “I will never have enough of you, Sabra.” He gasps as I slide my palm over the bulge in his pants and give a light squeeze. “I want all of you. Always.”

  “You have me.” He slides my pants down, and I lift my hips to make it easier. My jeans fall on the floor, and he smiles at me sweetly before placing kisses on the inside of my thigh. I lift onto my elbows and watch him. “Take them off, Trevor,” I order.

  He hooks his fingers in the side of my panties and grins. “These? Are these what you want off?” He slides them down my legs. “Always so demanding.”

  I sit up when he gets to my feet and push him back until I’m straddling him. “No, babe, I want these off.” It takes me a moment to get his pants undone and see him in all his glory. And I’m reminded of the first time I was in this position as I watch him stand beside the bed and let his pants drop to the floor.

  He stops me when I reach out to take hold of him. My mouth waters at the sight of him, but he pushes me back firmly. “No, not this time, Sweetheart.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I know you and how you like to be in control.” He covers me with his body and slides his fingers down, slipping through the slickness, and dips inside me. When he adds a second finger, my eyes roll back into my head. “Tonight is about me and you, Sabra. Together.” He shifts and glides down my body. “Just you and me.”

  His warm breath skates across my bare skin before I feel his mouth close over me. I’m lost in him. Falling apart against him. The earth moves and shakes in ways I’ve never known before.

  When I come down off the mountaintop and catch my breath, I open my eyes. Trevor rolls on a condom. He kisses me, climbs my body, and asks one more time. “Are you sure, babe? I can stop right now if it’s too much for you.”

  He’s all I want right now. All I want in the future, and maybe even forever. I wrap my hand around him and guide him to me. “I want you, Trevor. Right now.”

  He doesn’t wait for more as he slides into me and fills me, starting a steady rhythm. The fire between us slowly builds and expands again. His hands and mouth worship me exactly as he promised. Touching. Sucking. Licking any part of me his hands and mouth can find.

  His body tightens under my hands, breath rushing out of him. When he moans my name against my chest, my body breaks spectacularly again, coming down the precipice with him. Stars burst behind my eyes.

  Trevor rolls us so I’m lying on top of him. His hands take up their march—slowly moving up and down my spine again—with my head resting on his chest. After a few moments, he gets up, walks to the bathroom, and comes back with a towel for me. He slides between the sheets and tucks us in for the night.

  My face nuzzles his neck as he wraps his arms around me. “Trevor?” I whisper against his chest before kissing him right above his heart.

  “Yes, love?”

  “You’re everything to me, too.”

  “Rest well, Say.” He squeezes my sides and reaches down to pat my bottom. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  I lie with my ear pressed against his heart and listen to the steady thump until his breathing evens out. I feel safest here in his arms. Holding me. Loving me. I succumb to the sleep calling my name, knowing no one can touch me with Trevor by my side.

  FOURTEEN and SEVENTEEN

  “Sabra?” My mom’s voice echoes down the hallway before a soft three taps rap against my bedroom door and she pokes her head through. “Are you up?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I say over my shoulder and turn to look at her. “I’ve been up for about an hour.”

  “You couldn’t sleep?” She opens the door wider, walks toward me, and perches on the corner of my bed. “It’s a big day for you, I know.”

  I nod and turn back to the mirror to finish powdering my nose before looking through my lipsticks. I can’t believe I’m starting high school today. The butterflies are having a war in my belly, and I keep sliding the palms of my hands against my jeans to try to wipe away the sweaty and clammy feeling. Is it this nerve-wracking for everyone?

  “I remember my first day of high school.” My mom walks over to stand behind me. I can see her in the mirror, short bob and makeup done perfectly. She’s one of the most beautiful women I know. I hope I’m as caring and lovely as she is when I’m forty-three. “You know, I met your father the first day of my freshman year. He was sitting behind me in English and kept kicking the back of my chair, trying to get my attention.”

  I laugh at her and glide a soft pink lipstick against my lips. “And you turned around to tell him to cut it out and fell head over heels on the spot.”

  She laughs with me and runs her fingers through my hair.

  “I don’t think that’s going to happen for me, Mom. I don’t want a boyfriend or to fall in love.”

  “Oh.” She scoffs. “You just wait, Say, some boy is going to come along and sweep you off your feet one of these days.”

  “He’d better have a big broom,” I quip before I toss the tube of lipstick back in a box on the vanity and stand.

  “Do you know what you’re going to wear?”

  “I think so.”

  “You have about thirty minutes before you need to get going. Make sure you come say goodbye before you and Luc leave.” She stands in my doorway for a second longer before turning around and walking out, shutting the door behind her.

  “I will,” I mutter under my breath and try not to throw up. Lucas and I will be in the same school this year. He’s a senior and thinks he’s the shit.

  I have one more year to worry about him before he leaves for college. One more year of looking around corners and making sure my door is locked. I can’t wait for him to be gone.

  I start to walk over to my door to turn the lock and pause when I hear the knob rattle.

  “Sabra?” Lucas whispers through the door.

  “What?” I run to the door with soft feet and press my hands to it listening carefully. “You can’t come in. I’m not ready yet.”

  I can’t do this. Not today.

  “I just—”

  “Lucas?” My father’s voice booms up the stairs, interrupting whatever Lucas was about to say.

  “Yes?” Lucas hollers back from outside my door.

  “What are you doing?” My dad’s voice is getting closer.

  “I was going to check on Sabra,” Lucas replies. I hear his footfalls against the wood floors in the hallway.

  “Let’s give her some space this morning, huh? It’s a big day for her, and I’m sure she’s nervous enough.” Three small smacks ring out sliding under the crack in the door as if he’s patting Lucas on the back. “She doesn’t need her big brother adding to it.” He laughs. “Come and have breakfast.”

  “Yes, sir.” Lucas’s voice gets smaller as he walks down the hallway.

  I lock the door quickly, sit on my bed, and look at my shaking hands. Thank heaven for my dad.

  One more year.

  I can do this.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  “Babe?” Trevor walks down the hallway and into my bedroom. It’s been a week, and he hasn’t left my side except for the absolute necessities, even coming to the lodge and sitting at the bar while I work most nights. He would have sat my final with me if I’d have let him.

  I�
�m finished with classes for the semester now, and we’ve had a lot of time to go over things together. Soft conversations. Whispers in the dark while he holds me close. I think it’s made us stronger. Closer. I never imagined this could be the outcome, but I love it.

  “Are you almost ready to go?”

  “Let me finish this email, and I’ll be all set.” I glare at the arrow hovering over the send button and twirl my hair around my finger. “Am I doing the right thing? I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

  “I can’t tell you that. Only you know the answer for what’s best for you ultimately.” He leans against the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest. “But what about not hurting yourself? Isn’t that important too? And do you think you can go back to that house with him in it… even for a few days?”

  “No, I don’t think I can.” I stare at the arrow for a few more seconds, click my mouse over the blue button, and watching the yellow notification pop up saying my email has been sent. I just broke my mom’s heart.

  Christmas is one week away. This morning, I woke up to an email from my mom and a voice message from my dad asking what my plans were for the holiday. How many days would I be home? Did I know Lucas had made Christmas Eve brunch reservations for the whole family? We’re all set to go to the country club like old times.

  I broke down in tears reading my mother’s email. It shouldn’t have surprised me like it did, but I’ve been busy. I hadn’t given much thought to Christmas and Lucas being back. I didn’t want to think about what that would mean for me this year. I’d already spent Thanksgiving alone, which was fine, but I didn’t want to spend Christmas alone.

  And of course, Trevor was having none of it. He invited me to join him and his family for the holiday instead. Hello, zero to sixty.