The Click Trilogy
Page 13
From: Shelley Manning – June 27, 2011 – 10:17 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Honey? Snap, snap!
Don’t call me bee shit! ;) Mwah! Mwah!
From: Ashley Price – June 28, 2011 – 2:01 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Bitter Party of One
No. That’s not a new brand of strong coffee. But wouldn’t that be a GREAT name? I know. I know. I’ve been MIA for a while. Sorry. Things with Evan have been…rocky to say the least. We had this big fight…again…where he told me I’m a snobby, judgmental person who is always on his case about being an underachiever. Before you say anything, I know. I’m too good for him. So, you’ll be happy to know we’ve called it quits.
I could really use an ice cream sundae from Mel’s to drown my sorrows and lament the fact I will end up alone. It’s got to be better than succumbing to the indignity of online dating or the bar scene – no offense to you or Shelley (well, maybe a bit of an aside to her). Anyway, call me tomorrow.
From: meet@choosejews.com/GreenLife66 – June 28, 2011 – 8:29 PM
To: meet@choosejews.com/PRGal1981
Subject: Liked your profile
Hi there. My name is Andrew and I really liked reading your profile.
I’m a salesman for a company that makes green cleaning products. Not that I’m obsessed with the environment or anything. And not that I don’t care about it either.
Anyway, you’re my very first email and I think I’m a bit nervous. Hoping you won’t hold that against me and that maybe we could have a drink. Let me know. Thanks.
From: meet@choosejews.com/PRGal1981 – June 29, 2011 – 9:23 AM
To: meet@choosejews.com/GreenLife66
Subject: Re: Liked your profile
Hi Andrew. No worries about being a bit nervous and welcome to this strange new world known as online dating. I imagine it must be a nice feeling to know that what you do is not harming the planet. I work in PR and sometimes think we spend too much time and energy stressing out about things that are pretty inconsequential. We joke, it’s PR not ER. Anyway, why don’t we meet up for a coffee? How does Sunday afternoon sound? I’m in West LA. What about you?
From: meet@choosejews.com/GreenLife66 – June 29, 2011 – 10:08 AM
To: meet@choosejews.com/PRGal1981
Subject: Re: Liked your profile
Sunday sounds good. I’m downtown, but could easily meet you in Westwood. How does 11:00 sound at the Coffee World?
From: meet@choosejews.com/PRGal1981 – June 29, 2011 – 10:26 AM
To: meet@choosejews.com/GreenLife66
Subject: Re: Liked your profile
Don’t want to be difficult, but can we meet somewhere else instead. Say, Juice Joint? I don’t drink coffee. See you Sunday?
From: meet@choosejews.com/GreenLife66 – June 29, 2011 – 11:06 AM
To: meet@choosejews.com/PRGal1981
Subject: Re: Liked your profile
Sounds good.
From: Renee Greene – July 3, 2011 – 10:05 AM
To: Shelley Manning; Mark Finlay
Subject: Collide with my date?
On my way to Juice Joint to meet Andrew. He works for an environmental products company. But, I get the sense he’s no “EarthMan.” If you’re around – stop by. Would be fun for you to “bump” into us.
From: Renee Greene – July 3, 2011 – 1:59 PM
To: Shelley Manning; Mark Finlay
Subject: What a difference an apostrophe makes
Okay, met this guy for a juice this morning and he was SMOKING. No, not SMOKIN’. SMOKING!
His profile said “non-smoker” and mine said “non-smoker” but he was smoking! It started out just fine. He arrived and was really cute in a boyish way. He was really nervous, but it came across as totally genuine and sweet. I ordered a blended (of course) and he ordered an iced coffee. We also decided to split a chocolate chip twist. When I reached for my wallet, he was almost offended. Again, not in a bad way, but in a really sweet way. Then he asked if I minded if we sat outside. It was a bit cool for me, but I said sure. We started talking and he’s really…sweet. Yes, I know I’ve said sweet about a gazillion times already, but it truly is the best way to describe him.
Then, out of nowhere, he lights up. And, he didn’t even ask if I minded if he smoked. He just lit up. First off, it was so disgusting! But, even more so, it seemed so odd to me that he was so sweet – yes, I know, sweet again – and he didn’t even bother to ask if the smoking would bother me. I didn’t even know what to say. So, I just kept on with the date. But afterward, when he walked me back to my car and leaned in for a kiss, I had to draw the line. I told him that I thought he was really sweet (UGH! I need a thesaurus or something) but that I don’t date smokers. He said he’s not really a smoker, but just likes an occasional cigarette. I told him that I was going to have to pass – that even the occasional smoker wasn’t going to work for me. It was horribly awkward.
From: Mark Finlay – July 3, 2011 – 2:30 PM
To: Shelley Manning; Renee Greene
Subject: Re: What a difference an apostrophe makes
Note taken. Smoking bad. Smokin’ good. And, will make a note that you need a thesaurus for Channukah. Yes, it’s six months away, but you know I like to plan ahead. Hang in there!!
From: Shelley Manning – July 5, 2011 – 8:02 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: What a difference an apostrophe makes
Sorry I wasn’t able to swing by, sweetie. And, sorry I’ve not emailed back for a day or two. I was busy celebrating Independence Day making some fireworks. We’ll refer to this guy as The Rocket from now on. He was quite explosive.
As far as your date went: Smokin’ – yes. Smoking – no. So sorry, Renee. But I must say I’m quite proud of you for dealing with confrontation head on and in person during the KISS GOODBYE and not resorting to an email to give him the KISS OFF. While the man of your dreams must still be out there, I think this has been a good experience for you so far.
From: Renee Greene – July 5, 2011 – 10:42 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: What a difference an apostrophe makes
Well, I’m delighted to hear you think it’s been a good experience so far. I think it’s been depressing, horrifying, embarrassing, pointless and demoralizing. Guess I don’t need a thesaurus after all. ;) But, what I do need is a break….and perhaps a good cuddle (HA! HA!) Meet at Mel’s tomorrow for lunch – usual time.
From: Renee Greene – July 5, 2011 – 10:45 AM
To: member.services@choosejews.com
Subject: Profile on Hold
I was writing to request that you please hide my profile from viewing until further notice. My ID# is 49628; Screen Name: PRGal1981.
From: member.services@choosejews.com – July 5, 2011 – 10:48 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Profile on Hold
Profile has been hidden until further request.
Chapter 6 – Dating The Old-Fashioned Way
From: Renee Greene – July 11, 2011 – 11:37 AM
To: Shelley Manning, Ashley Price, Mark Finlay
Subject: Drum Roll Please…
You will never believe this. After years of toiling away on boring corporate and consumer products (let me tell you, I've literally watched the paint dry on behalf of Excel Paint), I'm finally getting an assignment that literally ROCKS. We just got hired to help Nuvision with the launch of a new video game. Our first project is to help them with an event they are sponsoring with MTV in a few short weeks. A bunch of pro extreme athletes will be there. And, Marsh 7 will be performing. While they aren't my favorite – can you imagine if it were Spider Fire! – I'm still excited to see them perform live...and for work no less. We're hosting the green room for all of the VIPs, so I'll be hob nobbing with the celebs. Much work to do before then, but wanted to share the exciting news. Hurrah!
From: Mark Finlay – July 11, 2011 –
12:22 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
Nuvision? Those greedy corporate shills? Just kidding. I know a bunch of guys that work over there. It’s a good shop. They are lucky to have you representing them. Only wish my little ol’ company could afford the amazing PR prowess of one, Ms. Renee Greene. Glad to know you are finally getting to do something fun and worthy of your wonderful charms.
From: Renee Greene – July 11, 2011 – 12:23 PM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
From: Shelley Manning – July 11, 2011 – 2:56 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
That is so cool. So you aren't a huge fan, but you are right. Exciting just to be there. I can't wait to hear all about the celebs and stars. Those extreme athletes are really hot, too. My friend Cheryl went to the X Games and said they have really taut bodies. I guess hurling your body up a ramp while standing on a piece of plywood with a few wheels strapped on really gets your legs, abs and buns in shape. Yum!
From: Renee Greene – July 11, 2011 – 4:55 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
So I guess that you are the S (for Shelley) that adds SEX to EXtreme. UGH! That was totally lame. I realized as I was writing it that I was trying to be clever and basically, it just isn't working. But, rather than erase it, I thought I would show you that I've at least made an effort. Loser, huh?
From: Shelley Manning – July 11, 2011 – 5:07 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
You are NOT a loser. Granted that was lame. Very lame.
But I don't want to hear this loser bullshit. You are always so down on yourself. You are amazing, wonderful, smart, talented, terrific. So get over yourself and just accept it. YOU rock. YOU are SUPERMODEL RENEE!!!
From: Renee Greene – July 11, 2011 – 6:32 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Drum Roll Please…
Sorry. I know I have this bad habit of always putting myself down. Bad habits are hard to break. Thanks for always being such an incredibly supportive friend and for giving me a good kick in the ass when I need it.
From: Renee Greene – July 12, 2011 – 11:31 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Douche Bag Alert!
Where are you? It’s 11:30 on a Tuesday. I tried calling because I was having a bad moment and logged on to the dating site to look at Matt’s photo. I know totally lame. Can we say Cyber Stalker? So I’m looking through his profile and that jerk took material from my “you’re an ass” email and put it into his profile. He basically stole my “I deserve” speech and made it sound like that’s who HE IS. I’m so mad right now I could literally scream. HELP!
From: Shelley Manning – July 13, 2011 – 9:31 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Douche Bag Alert!
Sorry!!!!!!!!!
Was out late last night. Had a wild date with this guy I met at a party last weekend. The Tongue, as he will be known moving forward, was quite a talent. Quite the talent indeed.
Anyway, I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you called. What an absolutely miserable scuz bucket. I cannot believe that he did that.
Call me tonight. I’ll be home around 7:00 and you can scream all you want. Mwah! Mwah!
From: Shelley Manning – July 14, 2011 – 11:22 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Wanna Smoke a Long One?
Ha! That is not code for anything. Shocking, I know. Hey, I know it’s short notice, but I got invited to this swanky, private cigar bar in Beverly Hills tomorrow night. Want to come along? The Tongue is bringing a couple of friends. Could be fun? And maybe if we get lucky – or should I say the guys get lucky – there will be something illicit happening. :)
From: Renee Greene – July 14, 2011 – 7:02 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Wanna Smoke a Long One?
Sorry for my delay in responding. Was at a client meeting all day and just getting home. While I’m sure The Tongue has some friends that would make delightful company, I’m just not up for meeting anyone right now. I’m much happier wallowing in self pity with a can of frosting. Don’t be mad.
From: Shelley Manning – July 15, 2011 – 10:32 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Wanna Smoke a Long One?
You have pretty much been through the ringer, which is why I thought a night at an exclusive club would be a nice treat. But, if you would rather sulk, I get it. Let’s plan to meet for brunch on Sunday around 11ish. Sound good?
From: Renee Greene – July 15, 2011 – 10:35 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Wanna Smoke a Long One?
Perfect. Have fun.
From: Ashley Price – June 18, 2011 – 2:00 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Why So Glum?
You sounded so glum on the phone. Don’t give me this “I don’t feel like talking” business. What’s up?
From: Renee Greene – June 18, 2011 – 2:30 PM
To: Ashley Price
Subject: Re: Why So Glum?
Ugh! Well, a few months ago, I met this guy Matt through the online dating site and foolishly fell for his charms. After he slept with me, he dumped me.
I responded with a dignified email that told him what a royal shit he is and how I deserve better. Just found out he took the “I deserve” part and re-did his profile using all of the information to make it sound like he is this really great guy. I’m just in a self-pitying funk. Nothing a few more cans of frosting won’t cure. Sorry I was so curt on the phone. I know you were just checking in. Hope you are well. Let’s make some plans to meet at Mel’s when I’m back from Vegas.
From: Ashley Price – June 18, 2011 – 4:45 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Why So Glum?
So sorry to hear that Renee. You do deserve better! And, honestly it’s no surprise someone you met online turned out to be full of complete crap. Yes on Mel’s. Call me when you’re back and we’ll put it on the calendar.
From: Renee Greene – June 18, 2011 – 5:02 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Fwd: Re: Why So Glum?
Why do I always get a sense there’s some schadenfreude going on in her emails?
From: Renee Greene – June 19, 2011 – 8:22 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Why So Glum?
Schaden-what?
From: Renee Greene – June 19, 2011 – 8:35 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Why So Glum?
Schadenfreude. It’s a German word that means other people are taking pleasure in your misery.
From: Shelley Manning – June 19, 2011 – 8:40 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Why So Glum?
Oh, of course, Schadenfreude. I think you sense it because deep down you know she wants everyone else around her to be miserable too. Well, let’s just say, I’m the ying to her yang. I want NOTHING but the VERY BEST for you.
From: Renee Greene – June 19, 2011 – 8:45 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Why So Glum?
Thanks!
From: Renee Greene – July 21, 2011 – 9:13 AM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: Dateless in LA?
I got your voicemail and now fear you are avoiding my return call. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How can you have not gone on one single cyber date yet? You posted your bio a month and a half ago! And I know you are getting emails. So, what’s the deal?!? Send me your password. I am logging on and will find the PERFECT woman for you.
From: Mark Finlay – July 21, 2011 – 9:17 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Dateless in LA?
/> Yes, I’ve been avoiding your calls and yes, I haven’t gone on a date yet. I knew you’d be angry and you know how I hate to disappoint you. All of these choices are too overwhelming for me. And, I’m totally swamped with work. The password is my birthday – two digit month, day and year. I know. Pretty lame, huh? Just couldn’t think of anything else.
From: Renee Greene – July 21, 2011 – 9:27 AM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: Dateless in LA?
It’s not lame. It’s easy to remember. Granted, easy for someone to steal, but I doubt anyone is going to log in and set up random dates on your behalf. Okay, my mission for this weekend is to scour the site for your perfect match. I’ll be in touch.
From: Renee Greene – July 23, 2011 – 11:28 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Holy Cow!
HOLY COW! You are NOT going to believe this. I’m home, yes on a Saturday night and yes, you are out doing something probably fun and wild, but I’m home. (That’s not the part you aren’t going to believe!)
I’m online, looking through dating profiles to find the perfect woman for Mark. Stop laughing. Just because the two of you didn’t work out (Tee Hee!), doesn’t mean there isn’t someone perfect for him out there. As my great grandma used to say, for every seat, there’s a tuchus.
So, I start off going through all of the women who have emailed him. And believe me, he’s coming across as quite the catch. I emailed back to a few of them and then started my own search. I’m going through scores of women and come across a profile for… ASHLEY! Yes, that Ashley.
After all of that shit she gave me about online dating being for desperate people, she’s right there among the pack scouring for love online. What a hypocrite. And to think I felt pretty lame for doing this online thing and here she is on there, too. ARGH! What should I do?!?