Breaking Down (The Breaking Series)

by Smith, Calista

  I narrow my eyes as I stalk after him. “Did you, now? And tell me, Dante, when you fell asleep, were you alone? Or was there someone else in your bed last night?”

  “Raquel.” His head drops to the side and he attempts to roll his eyes, but he doesn’t know how and really they just reach the top and fall straight down. “Why are you saying this? Is it the picture? That’s an old picture, I already told you that.” He looks back towards where Aiden is sitting and my head snaps to the side to look at Aiden.

  “Don’t you dare cover for him, Aiden!” I yell.

  Aiden holds up his hands, “Bennett.” He says. It’s his attempt at letting me know he wants nothing to do with what’s happening – ‘My name is Bennett and I ain't in it.’ – That’s what the guys say when they want no part of mine and Nat’s conversations.

  “Nah ah, you don’t get to do that. You know something.” I point at him.

  “Leave him out of it, Raquel.” Dante says to me. It’s all I need to turn my attention back to him. I see Aiden jump up and head up the stairs to where Nat’s standing with a grimace on her face.

  I walk to the couch and sit. “Sit down!” I demand, to Dante. He complies, sitting beside me. “I called her.” I say, watching his face and waiting for a reaction. There isn’t one, so I go on. “She says she was with you last night. She said quite a bit actually. She let me know that you belong to her and that as soon as we’re through, she will be there waiting. She also said that she sent me that.” I point to the phone. “So that I wouldn’t wonder anymore about where you had been last night.” I jerk my head up and stare at him, “So tell me Dante, please, explain to me,” My voice raises just below a yell, “How in the hell did she know?”

  His lips press into a hard line, “She came by. That’s the truth, Rock. But she was never in my bed. I swear. She didn’t call; I had no idea she was going to show up. She didn’t even come inside. We sat on the porch and I told her that I couldn’t talk long. I was tired and I was waiting to hear from you. She said she needed to get some things off her chest. She was crying. She begged me to come back. I told her no. I told her I’m with you and I’m happy. She got angry and tried to scratch me. She said that I was being a fool and how could I do this to her; move on and leave her. Rock, she’s used to me being with her, even when I’m with other people. This is the first time that I haven’t done that.” He looks me in the eye and I say nothing. “Look, I’m not saying I, I don’t even know how to say it. I kind of feel bad for her.” I peer at him, my face in a scowl. “You have to understand, I don’t love her. I guess I pity her. She lets guys use her, me included and it’s sad.” A part of me wants to feel bad, but I hear her words and I can’t. I’m too angry. She’s messed with us before. She knows Dante well. She can easily mess with us again. He continues explaining, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I didn’t want you to worry. I didn’t want you to look at me, the way you’re looking at me now. Wondering and doubting me. I didn’t cheat on you Rock. The picture is old. But I did lie to you and I’m sorry.”

  A few tears roll down my cheeks. I hug a pillow to my chest and look at his face. I guess I can believe him. I’m still mad he didn’t tell me the truth in the first place. I can forgive him. Her on the other hand, not so much!

  I let him pull me to him and lay with him on the couch. He kisses my nose and then my lips. I don’t kiss him back. I’ll forgive him tomorrow. Tonight, I want to go home and forget any of this ever happened.

  ***

  I can’t believe senior year is going by so fast. A few more months and we’ll be ready to graduate. I haven’t even had much time to talk to Malachi lately. He’s been so busy with his own senior year at school. I did promise to send him pictures from King's Ball tonight.

  I finally forgave Dante for his stupid lie. He did have to grovel a bit before I really gave in. Luckily things are back on track for us. Tonight, at King's Ball, it’s all about us.

  There’s an Asian cuisine restaurant we love at the mall and we decide to have dinner there before going to the dance.

  “Can we skip it?” Dante says, eyeing me. I know that look and the devilish grin he has all too well and I have a pretty good idea of what he rather be doing. Although we haven’t gone all the way with each other yet, we haven’t exactly kept our hands to ourselves either.

  A piece of rice flies at Dante from where Nat is sitting, “No, its senior year, dude, enjoy the experience.”

  He flicks a piece of rice back at her and hits Aiden instead, who quickly flicks one back. I shake my head at them, “Awe come on you big party pooper!” I nudge him with my elbow. When I look up at him, I notice he’s staring off into the distance and he has a worried look on his face. I follow his line of site and realize why.

  His ex is headed right for us, “Hey guys, fancy seeing you all here. You look nice. What’s going on?” Mel says, her eyes scanning over all of us before coming to rest on Dante.

  “Go away Mel.” Dante gripes.

  “Tsk, Tsk, Dante. Your feelings are showing. Better get a handle on that before your little girlfriend gets her feelings hurt.” She flicks a finger my way, like I’m a gnat.

  Aiden shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Go away, Mel. No one needs this tonight.”

  “Oh Aiden, Dante can handle his own battles. He really doesn’t need you to fight them for him.” She whines sarcastically and then looks at Dante again. “Speaking of, Dante I need to talk to you. You won’t mind if I borrow him really quick, will you dear? I mean after all he was mine first.” She looks at me, a smug smile on her bright red lips.

  I don’t need to let this bother me. Dante has no interest in her. He loves me and I know that. She knows that too, that’s why she is acting like this. I press my lips tightly together and hold my tongue.

  However, Dante speaks up, “We have nothing to talk about, Mel. Go away!”

  She leans against him and says in a loud whisper, “Are you sure about that, Dante? I mean, I can go ahead and discuss it here, in front of everyone, if you don’t mind, or—” She lets the word hang in the air.

  Dante stands up avoiding my eyes. Is he kidding me right now? I’m pissed and now I know he’s been hiding something from me.

  Nat smacks her hands onto the table and begins to stand up, “Dante, sit down!” Nat yells at him. Aiden grabs onto her arm to sit her down. Nat’s fuming in her seat.

  Melanie’s head swiftly turns towards Nat, “Natalia butt out!” She hisses at her. Wrapping her arm in Dante’s, she attempts to walk out with him. He shoves her off of him angrily but walks out of the restaurant, with her trailing him.

  How dare he do this! He didn’t even look my way. He walked out with her and he didn’t say a word to me.

  Aiden looks at me with pleading eyes, “Rock, don’t let this ruin our night. He’s probably going to set her straight. He won’t be long, you’ll see. He doesn’t want to make a spectacle in here. He doesn’t want her to hurt you. She’s trying to cause problems for you two, but he won’t let her.” Aiden tries really hard to convince me.

  I struggle with my feelings. I’m torn again with Dante. Is he setting her straight? Is he sparing my feelings? Does he still love her? Does she have something on him? Is he keeping something else from me? I hate that once again Dante and I are in a predicament and I am the one left to be hurt. I can’t help but hear my mom’s words and wonder if she was right. I can’t deal with this again. Not again! I won’t. He promised it was over with her. Promised he would not keep things from me. Clearly he’s hiding something and what’s worse is it involves his ex. The ex that he always goes back to. The one who promised me he would be back again. The text she sent me flashes through my head and I hate that I have doubts. He told me it was an old picture. He swore she lied. But how do I know for sure? Aiden wouldn’t rat him out. They’re like brothers. I think about Aiden’s behavior at school that day. How he pulled Dante aside. Maybe there was more to it. Maybe, just maybe it was true.

  “I’ll be
back. I’m going to the restroom. I need a moment alone.” I say. Nat and Aiden nod their heads, their sad eyes tugging at my tears.

  I walk towards the restroom and sneak back to the front door to get a look at what’s happening with my own eyes. I need to know. At first, I can’t find them. The parking lot is big and darker than I expected. I push the door open and huddle in-between two large groups of people. Finally, I see them. Dante is leaned against what I assume is her car. Melanie is standing in front of him. As angry and wound up as he seemed when she showed up, his demeanor sure seems calm now. They’re just talking, I tell myself. Look, he’s keeping his space from her, I try to convince myself. I mentally kick myself for not trusting him. He probably was trying to keep her from causing a scene. He hates her. After everything she and Shaun pulled, there’s no way any of what she said is true. As I began to leave, I see her lean against him on the car, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing his lips. Time stands still. There is an inferno in my chest where my heart should be. My jaw has fallen to the concrete floor. I stumble and push my way passed the people crowded around me and rush into the restaurant making a beeline for the restroom. I pull out my cell and call my mom for a ride. Knowing it’s unlike me, she doesn’t ask questions.

  I don’t even tell Nat and Aiden I’m leaving. I sit quietly at the table with my hands in my lap, quivering inside as I pinch back tears. I get a text from my mom letting me know she’s outside. Standing up without a word, I walk out. Nat and Aiden beg me not to worry, they plead with me to wait for Dante inside. I know they assume I’m going to find him. I don’t want to tell them different. I don’t want them to convince me to stay. I need to go. I need to let him go.

  I storm out of the restaurant and see Dante and Melanie in the distance. Without hesitation I jump into the passenger seat of my mom’s car, slamming the door behind me, I tell her to please hurry. Dante runs towards the car, his arms waving in the air. Thankfully, my mom doesn’t stop.

  I can’t cry. I’m too angry. My phone is buzzing off the hook and I shut it off. I can’t talk to him. “Mom, can we go somewhere?”

  “Where baby?” Her voice is gentle.

  “Anywhere but home please? I don’t want him to come looking for me right now. I can’t deal with anything.” I squeeze out. Just then I think of the perfect place. “Turn here,” I suggest realizing it’s the street Dante took me to. He would never think I’d go there. Not right now and definitely not with my mom of all people.

  “What’s up here?”

  “A really nice view from what I hear. I haven’t had a chance to see it at night, yet.” I explain.

  We reach the top of the street and she parks the car. We get out and sit on the hood. This time I’m in tennis shoes and climb a little better. We cuddle under our sweaters. There are a couple of other cars, but their occupants are busy inside their vehicles.

  “This is really pretty. How’d you hear about this place?” She stares at all the lights from the city.

  “He brought me here once. When we found out about Shaun and her!” I spit out not wanting to say her name.

  My mom looks a little caught off guard, “Raquel, what happened tonight, mamas?”

  “He hurt me, again.” I say the last part under my breath, not wanting her to hear it.

  “What did I tell you? I know he can be a good guy, Raquel. I know he has the potential to change. But how long are you going to let it be at your heart's expense? I don’t get involved. You’re nearly 18 and you’re going to be heading to college. You’ll be making your own decisions about your life. I want you to be smart about this and yes, I want you to follow your heart too, but mijita, you’re so young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Do you really need this kind of heavy relationship right now?”

  I can’t look her in the eye or I’ll for sure cry, and I don’t want to. “I love him. I can’t help that. I know he loves me too, mom. He does. He just has so much from his past that haunts him. It’s like every time he gets a fighting chance those skeletons pop out of the closet and try to pull him back in there with them.”

  She places her hands around mine, “I get it. I know you think I don’t, but I do. I like him. He’s a good guy. I’m not sure he’s good for you. You’re such a giver. You don’t know how to not give too much of yourself. And with someone like him, who needs so much of someone— that doesn’t sound right.” She stops herself. “I mean he probably hasn’t felt loved like this before. So your love is new and it makes him want more. Need more, ¿Entiendes? He doesn’t try to hurt you purposefully. He tries to love you right and it’s like he needs the love you give, to survive. It’s like he is discovering himself through your eyes. Ay, are you getting what I am saying, Raquel?” She pulls at my hand to get me to look at her.

  “I do. I understand. He isn’t bad. He doesn’t mean to hurt me. He gives me what I need too. He completes me and understands me. It’s like— Okay, it’s like this, Dante and Raquel— we are so in love. We’re good for each other. We get each other; believe in each other. But then there’s everyone else.” I lean against the windshield, “Dante on his own, he falls back into the old Dante, when he has to face all of them. He stops believing in himself. He lets them win. He forgets that he’s worth so much more than what they see. Then he, he, ugh what’s the word I’m looking for?” I hate when I can think of the word in Spanish, but I can’t recall it in English.

  “Sabotage?” She offers.

  “Yea he sabotages himself. He isn’t trying to hurt me. He always hurts himself and because I love him it ends up hurting me too.” I finally get it out.

  “So what happened this time, tonight— how did it go down?” She faces me and there is no judgment in her eyes. It’s been so long since my mom and I have done this; talked so openly about our feelings.

  “Melanie showed up. We were having dinner and then I noticed his face looked odd. I looked up and she sashayed her dumb a— butt—” I quickly recover before cussing, “over to our table and started insulting everyone. She told him she needed to talk to him and then threatened to make a scene if he wouldn’t go. So he went. He said nothing to me and walked out.” I sweep my arm in front of me.

  “So you left?” I can tell she doesn’t get it. Why would I leave? Why wouldn’t I wait till he told her off and came back? It doesn’t make sense, because I’m leaving things out.

  “I was mad. I shouldn’t have to wait for him while he’s with her!” I say. I’m not sure I want to talk about what I saw after. At the time, I was so offended that he would leave without reassuring me. I mean come on; he didn’t even look at me. But, what I saw after infuriates me and that is what I’m most mad about. How could he? He promised. He lied!

  “Okay, but if she was going to cause a scene maybe he did the right thing. When I drove up they looked like they were arguing.” She tries to defend him, or maybe she wants to make me feel better. She won’t understand unless I tell her everything. But I can’t deal with her negative feelings towards him, on top of my own feelings right now. “I’m trying to understand why you left.” She says, once I haven’t offered a better explanation.

  “I was jealous. I was hurt. I hate that he went with her. I hate that I doubted him. I worried what it was she was threatening him with. I, I didn’t— fully— trust him. Dammit!” I finally manage to squeeze out. I need her to understand, but I don’t want her to at the same time.

  “It’s okay.” She reaches out and rocks me. I didn’t realize I was crying. The tears flow freely down my cheeks and I don’t even attempt to wipe them away.

  “Raquel, it’s ok. You were hurt. Maybe you took it out on the wrong person, maybe not. But you had a right to be hurt. It’s probably best you talk to him and figure it out.” She says.

  ***

  I cry as I stare off into the lights of the city. We finally get back in the car after she’s consoled me several times. Turning my phone on, I see I have five missed calls, three voicemails and eight texts. I listen to the message
s.

  The first is from Natalia. She says she understands me being mad but worrying her and not telling her where I went is not okay. How mad would I be if she did this to me? She says she’s calling my mom and hopefully I was smart enough to at least let her know where I was.

  The next is from Dante. He says nothing to me, but I hear him curse before hanging up.

  The last is from him too.

  You’re mad. I messed up. I was trying to keep you from getting hurt and all I did was hurt you more. I’ve lost you haven’t I? I love you Rock. It’s probably better this way. I’m just going to keep breaking your heart. No matter how much I don’t want to hurt you, I do. You deserve better. You were right to run. I hate it. I want to run after you. I miss you already and it sucks. I’m sorry isn’t even enough at this point. But I am. Sorry. A sorry sack of shit!

  He hangs up and I’m crying again. He’s given up on us. He’s right. We need to let go. We can’t be good for each other. I don’t trust him enough. After what I saw tonight, I know it’s with good reason. I need to walk away for him and for me. Before we both drown each other.

  I don’t even read the texts from him, but I text him back. I’m such a coward. I can’t hear his voice right now. I’ll run back without thinking and believe whatever excuse he gives for what I saw.

  Dante. I don’t think you try to hurt me. I don’t want to hurt you either. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone my whole life. Because I love you, I need to walk away. I won’t hold you to this awful pattern we’ve created. I don’t trust you enough. I don’t trust myself. I have so much to work through and so do you. I hope you do. Don’t ever give up on yourself! I will ALWAYS be here for you. Just not as your girlfriend. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep hurting like this. I’m sorry, Dante. ~R

  I wipe the tears with the back of my hand as I watch the text send. There’s no use in telling him I saw them. He’ll only try to explain it away and I’ll want to believe him, but I won’t. I’ll end up tortured the whole time. I can’t live like that.