I shook my head no. I couldn’t talk. I would say too much. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. He got up from his spot between my legs and hugged me, the force of it strong. After a while his arms grew softer as he held me, sitting beside me on his bed. He had one leg wrapped behind me and the other fell to the side of my legs as he sat sideways and rocked me slowly, allowing me to cry. I wept, silently. It was so healing. So needed. After a while he gently laid me back. I didn’t resist, I couldn’t. Scooting up to his pillows, he held me. I spooned into his embrace, trying to tuck myself into him as tightly as I could. We lay silent. I didn’t realize when I drifted off to sleep. A loud knock at the door jolted us both awake. Confused for a second I looked around, he waited for words, but still I did not speak. He jumped to his feet and hurried to open the door.
“Dante, is Miss Garcia staying for dinner tonight?” Mr. King peered in to look at me.
“Yea. Yea, she’s going to stay. We have things to talk about. If, if that’s ok?” He asked his dad.
“Fine with me. Make sure her mom knows she is ok. Let me know if you’re going anywhere, please?” He smiled faintly.
“Yes, sir.” Dante softly closed the door and stared at it a minute before turning to face me. “Pizza?”
“I’m not really hungry. Dante, maybe I should go. We should talk later. Maybe over the phone would be better?” I began to get up.
“No. You’re here. We can talk now. We put this off long enough.” His words were firm but not angry. I quickly sat back down. He held up a finger, “One second.” He ran out the door and I sat torn with what I should do.
I bit down on my lip drawing blood. I needed to feel something other than the ache within me, the one ripping through my chest and making me feel the need to run. I wasn’t sure if it was pushing me to run to him, or away. He came in after a couple of minutes and looked at me with concern. “Don’t do that. Don’t hurt yourself. Talk to me, please. I’ll beg if you need it.” He walked up to me and wiped at my lip, tugging it free from my teeth.
“Don’t beg. Dante, I—” I thought about my words carefully. Everything was so mixed up in my head so I stopped trying to process and let it out. “I have so much inside, it hurts. I want to say so many things. I’ve wanted to tell you so much and I couldn’t. I’m still not sure I can. I want to, but I— can’t. It’s painful, physically painful, for me to be near you. It’s the same when I’m not, though. I know I am frustrating you because I’m frustrating me too. I don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts— it hurts.” Sounding like a broken record the words trickled out until they made no sense and all you could hear were my sobs.
He listened and held me. “Shh, shh, it’s okay. Please don’t cry. Don’t cry baby, it’s going to be ok. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to. Please don’t cry. I don’t want you to cry. I’ll fix it. It will get better. Shh, shhh.” His pleading made me cry more but it wasn’t for me, it was for him. My pain was bearable but his— his was scalding hot and hurt me in ways I couldn’t completely process. I was hurting him again. More, I hated myself for it. After a while I was able to gather myself. I hugged him tightly rubbing my hands through the hair that was beginning to grow back on his usually bald head.
“Are you okay?” He asked.
Standing up I smoothed out my shorts and wiped at my eyes, ignoring how embarrassed I felt. “Can I, uh, use the restroom? I must look crazy.”
“Yea, well, I won’t argue.” He joked.
“Gee, thanks.” I half heartedly smiled.
“Wait till you see it for yourself. You made it look worse when you swiped at it.” He let out a small laugh.
“Oh my goodness, Dante, look at your shirt. I can clean that for you. I’m so sorry.” I worried.
He looks down pulling his shirt out to see the damage. “Don’t worry about it. I can clean it.”
“No really, I will. It’s that, or I’m buying you one.” I insisted.
“Fine, here.” He pulls off his shirt. I couldn’t take my eyes off his well sculpted body and the lovely shade of light brown that is his skin. I feel a lump in my throat as I try to swallow and stop myself from staring.
“Rock?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Yea?” I stared.
“Did you want to go use the restroom?” His crooked smile showed.
“Oh, yea. Please. Thank you.” I was embarrassed.
He snickers at me and leads me out of his room into the restroom. I’m mortified when I see the mess I’ve made of myself. My eyeliner is stretched out well passed my eye into a point to the side, the rest of it has mixed with my mascara and streaks down my face. Well, talk about ridiculous. I open the mirror to see if I can find something to help me remove it and as I reach for the bottle of moisturizer, I somehow make the shelving collapse, causing everything to fall out loudly into the sink. Really? This is getting better and better.
“Rock, don’t worry. It happens all the time. They’re going to remodel that bathroom and take those stupid mirrors out. Did anything break?” He talks through the bathroom door.
“Ah, no. I don’t think so.” My voice cracks in embarrassment.
“Leave it. I’ll clean it up when you’re done.” He said.
I open the door and give him the most pathetic look ever. “I suck. Sorry. I was looking for cotton balls and moisturizer or baby oil or something to take this off.” I point at my face.
He laughs, “Here, can I help?”
“Please?” My hands fall pathetically to my sides.
“Sit.” He closes the lid to the toilet and I take a seat. He gets a cotton ball out of the cabinet beneath the sink and grabs the moisturizer I was previously reaching for. Gently he cleans up the mess I’ve made of my face.
“You shouldn’t even wear this stuff. You don’t need it.” He looks me in my eyes, before going back to the task of removing my makeup.
I let out a small chuckle. “Thanks.”
“There. I think I’m done.” He swipes another ball one last time under my eye, “Hungry yet?”
“Starving.” I confess.
“Come on. I hope you don’t mind. I texted Nat. I told her you were here and that we were talking. She called and I didn’t exactly tell her in detail what was going on, but I sort of filled her in a little. She called your mom and told her you were going to stay the night with her tonight, so she wouldn’t worry. She says to call her before you leave.” He surprises me with his confession.
“Thank you, Dante.”
“Yea well, I figured you probably hadn’t called your mom. I know she gets worried. It’s late and I didn’t want you to get into trouble. Plus, we still haven’t really talked. I think we need to.” He says linking his pinky with mine as we walk to the kitchen.
We sat quietly at the table eating pizza. His parents had gone to bed. “How late is it?” I finally asked.
“Ten-ish.” He smiled.
“Oh, my God! I had no idea. What the heck?” I freak out. How had time gone so quickly?
“Yea. It was already getting kind of late when you got here. Didn’t you know what time you got here?” He looked at me, a puzzled look in his eye.
“I didn’t really pay attention.” I looked down.
“Oh.” Was all he said.
We both took bites of our pizza and sat there quietly thinking. When I finished my third piece I threw my wadded napkin onto the plate and pushed it away. “Done.”
“That’s a first.” He laughed.
“I haven’t been eating as much lately.”
“Why?” He gave me a look of concern.
“I haven’t been hungry.” I tried to be nonchalant about it.
“That’s not good. You have to eat.”
“I eat. Just not as much.” I smiled.
“Well, you can take some with you if you want. When you leave. Later.” He said closing the box of the pizza.
“It’s okay, I’m sure Nat will have something to eat there.”
&nbs
p; We both grew silent and then he said, “So tell me about Mexico. How was it?”
“It was good. I had a good time.” I smiled.
“Good.” He looked back down at his empty plate.
“Yea, it definitely was a learning experience.” I spoke up, unsure what else to say.
“I’m sure, that’s good.” He picked up his glass and took a drink.
“Yea it was.” I did the same.
“And Malachi?” He looked up at me.
“What about him?” I felt my stomach finally drop.
“How was he?” He searched my face.
“He’s good.” I couldn’t believe he asked.
“Good.” He stared at me, his face expressionless.
“And Mel?” I notice his face flinch a little.
“Nat told you?” His mouth slightly dropped.
“Of course.” I smiled.
“Yea. I figured she would.” He nodded. “She’s Mel. Same old. You know.” He looked down.
“Why?” I had to ask.
“Why what?” He asked.
“Why her, Dante? Do you, I mean are you?” I struggled with what I wanted to ask.
“No. Not with her. No.” He wouldn’t look at me.
“Then why?” I asked again. And what did he mean not with her? With someone else than?
“Why him?” He asked, his face serious.
“It’s not the same and you know it!” I snapped.
“True. Still, why?” He asked, softer this time.
“Dante, I asked first!” He was not going to get out of this.
“I asked second.” He was purposefully trying to irritate me.
“Why won’t you answer me?”
“It’s not important.” He shook his head.
“I’m asking.” I pushed for a better explanation.
“I’m not sure you really want to ask that.” His eyes bore into me.
“Why?!” I demanded slamming my hands to the table.
“Because you probably won’t like what I say.” He gripped the table on his side.
“That’s not what I’m asking! I am asking you why? Why her?!” I said through gritted teeth.
“Because she’s there. Because she isn’t you.” He struggled.
“What? What is that supposed to mean?” Ouch! She isn’t me. She’s better than me somehow? That’s why he continues to go back to her? How dare he. I guess I asked for it. I insisted on knowing. My heart dropped.
“I won’t love her. I can’t. Okay? I know her. I know how she is. I don’t trust her. I don’t love her. That’s what you were asking right; If I love her, if I’m in love with her? I know how to— handle her. She knows what I’m doing. She doesn’t care. She never has. She’s just there! It’s nothing. It’s never going to be anything. She knows that.” He had gotten upset halfway through and calmed himself again. I could see him struggle to keep his calm.
“So you’re using her?” It all hit me at once.
“Yes.” His answer was swift and callous.
“You are better than that! You know that, Dante. You deserve more than that.” I gasped.
“Really, do I? Because I seem to remember the last relationship I messed up. I didn’t deserve that one. I lost that one, right? I jacked it all up. What do you want from me, Rock? What? I can’t sit back and let you move on and watch. It’s pathetic. You ended it and granted you were right, I still loved you. I still love you! I am doing my damned best to give you what you want. To stay away! To not mess up your life more than I already have and then here you are. You show up on my door step. You’re talking to my dad. You’re falling apart in my arms and I am sitting here wondering what good this is. Why? If leaving me was for the best— for you— than why the hell are you here now? Why are you falling apart? Why aren’t you with him? Why does it feel like you still feel what I feel? What the hell are we doing?” He was pissed now talking through his teeth. I saw his jaw clench and I knew I had pushed too far.
“This was a mistake.” I said scooting myself from the table, to get up. “I should go.” I began to walk out.
“Go. Run. Don’t deal with it, it’s only gonna keep getting worse. You know I’m right.” He threw his hands into the air, letting them slap down to his lap, with a snap.
“Stop it, Dante. Stop getting angry with me. It doesn’t help.” I stopped and turned towards him.
“What does help? What?” He stood up from the table and made his way to me by this point. We were standing toe to toe. “Stay Raquel.”
“No.” I shook my head, biting back tears.
“Stay. We don’t have to talk. Just stay. I miss you. I miss my best friend.”
I looked down, at my feet. My dirty chucks needed a good scrubbing. His were clean. How funny that we both wore them today. “It wasn’t for me.” I looked up to his beautiful brown eyes.
“What wasn’t?” He asked, his eyes full of confusion.
“Us breaking up. It was for you.” I explained.
“That’s stupid. That makes no sense at all.” He shook his head.
“It does. I know you think I’m good. I almost came back that night, Dante. When I heard your voicemail I stopped myself. I realized what a mess I was. I made you all these promises. I showed you who you really were, who you could be. I believed in you, I still do. But I had all this doubt and I realized it wasn’t about you, it was me. I am so messed up. I can’t trust you, I can’t trust me. I can’t be what you need me to be. You deserve better. You need someone stronger than me. We aren’t good for each other because you are good Dante and I— I need a lot of help. I was drowning and I was going to take you with me, you weren’t going to save yourself. You would try to save me and lose yourself too.”
“I wouldn’t have let you drown, Raquel. I would not lose myself. You are good for me. You are good. You make me better.” He reached out to grab my hand and I pulled back.
I shook my head no. He wasn’t going to see it my way. He loved me and he couldn’t see what a mess I was. He had no idea the things I hadn’t told him about myself. He already had so much to deal with, with his own life. I couldn’t give him my mess too. “I still love you. There, I said it. But it doesn’t change anything. I can’t do this. It won’t work. We aren’t good for each other. I know you think we are, but we aren’t. Maybe in a different place, in a different time. Maybe it was all too much, too soon. We can’t seem to slow down near each other. We have this crazy all or nothing and it’s not safe. It’s not safe for you and it’s not safe for me.” I was pleading with him now. I needed him to let me go. I needed him to do better for himself. I needed to know he would not hurt anymore. I was so selfish to need all of this, but I did.
“I love you Rock. I know you love me. I knew it all along. I don’t get it. I don’t get why you sell yourself short. I don’t get why you won’t fight harder for us. I don’t get why you would walk away and be okay with that. You’re right! We do have a crazy love. I fucking love you! And you love me! You want me to apologize for that? I won’t. You want me to let you go and give this up? I can’t. I’ve tried. I don’t know what else to do.” He looked from one side to the other waiting for an answer. I wanted so bad to confess everything. My past. What caused my parents’ divorce and made me move here. The lie about Malachi. All of it, but I couldn’t. The words wouldn’t come out.
“Tell me you will be happy. Tell me you won’t go back to her. Tell me you will do better for yourself. Anyone else, Dante. Someone who can love you better. Val? You two get along good. She likes you. I know she does. I see you two together at school.” The thought slipped out before I really thought it through.
“Are you nuts? Val? She’s my friend. That’s all!” He snapped.
“I know but, maybe you two could develop something more.” What am I saying?
“You would want that?” He crossed his arms in front of himself, staring at me with tight lips.
“No. Yes. No. I mean, it would be hard, but I would be happy for you.” I forced a
smile.
“Ok.” He stared at me.
Panic. “Ok?”
“Ok, I won’t go back to Mel. If—” The word hung in the air between us.
“If what?” My head is swirling from all of this.
“If. You. Stay. Here. Tonight.” He said each word like it would burn him on its way out.
“Now you’re nuts.” I half laughed. He wasn’t serious.
“Why? I’m not asking you to sleep with me. I am asking you to stay. Be my friend. Your mom already knows you aren’t coming home. It’s late, Stay.” He insisted.
“But your parents?” I looked back towards the hallway.
“Won’t mind. I will tell my dad.”
“He’s asleep.” I whispered, suddenly afraid we would wake them.
“Nah, he’s awake. He’s watching TV, I’m sure.” He said.
“He’s been awake?” My heart began thumping hard in my chest with worry.
“Yea.”
“Oh my gosh, Dante. He probably thinks I’m crazy!” I gasped.
“No. Well, you kinda are, but no. He likes you.” He smiled crookedly.
“Stay?”
“Stay.” He insisted again.
“Where will I sleep?”
“In my room.” He said.
“In your bed?”
He nods.
“With you?” My eyes grew wide.
“Well, yea but I’ll stay on top of the covers. You can sleep under them. I promise I won’t do anything.” He held his hands up in surrender.
“I have to think about it. What will I tell Nat?” I worried.
“Tell her the truth.” He said plainly.
“She’s going to think I’ve lost my mind. She’s not going to like it.” I shook my head.
“So what. At least you’re being honest. It’s not like we are back together, or your sleeping with me.” He put quotations around sleeping to insinuate sex.
“No. But she might think that.” I said.
“So tell her whatever, just stay.”
Breaking Down (The Breaking Series) Page 17