Police Humor!

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  Queens, New York – On a United Airlines flight from Buenos Aires to New York, Gerald Finneran lost his tempter when the flight attendants refused to serve him more liquor. He assaulted them, then climbed on a service cart and defecated on it. He was arrested at Kennedy Airport and fined $50,000 for clean up.

  Pocatello, Idaho – In February 1997, a 46-year-old female elementary school principal was charged with misdemeanor trespass, based on photographs taken by former police dispatcher Richard Clothier. Clothier had taken the pictures in order to find out who had been running onto his property since September, defecating in his front yard on Sundays. In a pre-trial conference, the woman admitted in front of several witnesses that she had indeed defecated 21 times on Clothier's lawn, as well as about 5 times on the lawns of his neighbors.

  Niagara Falls, Ontario – The operators of Casino Niagara told a local newspaper that customers urinating around slot machines had become a serious problem. Customers who believed a slot machine would soon pay off were afraid to leave the machines and either wore adult diapers, urinated into plastic coin cups, or simply peed on the floor next to the machines.

  Grande Ronde, Oregon – 67-year-old Arthur Mooney died of a heart attack in the Spirit Mountain Casino. While his body lay right there on the floor for an hour, the other customers continued to play the slot machines.

  Fredericksburg, Virginia – On July 22, 1996, a female driver spotted a naked woman hitchhiking at the side of the road and called the police. The officers arrived at the scene just when the hitchhiker's boyfriend was about to pick her up. As it turned out, the couple had decided to act out one of their sexual fantasies. The boyfriend was charged with DUI. The naked woman was not charged.

  Austin, Minnesota – On a cold winter's night, police sighted an intoxicated man urinating on a car. He was let go with a warning, after he convinced the officers that it was his own car. The officers returned moments later when they realized that he was urinating on the door lock to melt the ice in order to get into his car and drive away. He was arrested for DUI.

  Lake Oswego, Oregon – A gas station attendant called the police to report that a driver appeared drunk. Arnim Kudinow, the driver, was apprehended after a 17-mile chase. He was sentenced to 18 months in prison for ramming a police car, throwing a knife at an officer and biting a police dog on the nose. Ronnie, the canine who had tried to stop Kudinow by biting his arm, died from a streptococcus infection three weeks later.

  Hampton, Virgina – To avoid getting caught driving home drunk from the bar he was at, Ronnie Cater allegedly called the local police station and claimed that a bomb was hidden in another bar, thus hoping to create a diversion and keeping all available officers busy enough for him to get home undetected. The phone call however was traced to the right bar. Cater was arrested and charged with making a bomb threat.

  Kansas City, Kansas – On October 2, 1996, a lawyer and part-time municipal judge was arrested for DUI at 2 a.m. Ironically, he was scheduled to hear a full day of DUI cases the next morning.

  Lafayette, Indiana – Michele and Tony Phebus fell asleep in their car between the microphone and the pick-up window at a White Castle drive-thru. They were arrested after police officers found several marijuana butts in the car and more of it in the trunk.

  Akron, Ohio – Frederick Lundy pleaded guilty to a parole violation and was led out of the courtroom. Before being taken to jail, he underwent the usual body search in which officers discovered 41 rocks of crack cocaine. Nobody but Lundy knows why he appeared in court with that much crack in his pockets.

  Allentown, Pennsylvania – A man was arrested at a bus station with 280 small bags of heroin in his luggage. The police noticed that the man had chewed the skin off seven of his fingertips in his jail cell and a police sergeant stat that "it certainly is a strong indication that somebody somewhere is looking for him."

  The U.S. Department of Agriculture taught farmers how to grow opium, until it was outlawed in 1942.

  Sanger, Texas – Four teenagers, including the police chief's son, broke into a funeral home. They planned to steal embalming fluid, dip cigarettes in it and smoke them. But when they couldn't find any fluid, they decided to cut off the finger of a corpse and took turns trying to smoke it.

  Hialeah, Florida – The owner of a notorious strip club was indicted as the middleman in a number of drug schemes. One of these schemes involved the attempt to purchase a $5.5 million attack submarine on the Russian black market by Colombian drug lords, who allegedly wanted to use it to smuggle cocaine into California.

  East Providence, Rhode Island – Brian Costa was found sleeping in his car in the middle of an on-ramp to the Henderson Bridge. He had five bags of cocaine in his lap.

  A person successfully smuggling cocaine into Miami can expect a profit of about 300 percent over his original investment. However, a person smuggling freon into Miami can expect a profit of about 1,200 percent.

  A study indicates that 60 percent of all heroin and cocaine consumed each year is being consumed by people on bail, probation or parole.

  At the annual conference of the British Psychological Society, David Cook of Caledonian University announced that the results of his 3-year study show that there are significant similarities between the behavior patterns of politicians and those of criminal psychopaths.

  In 1997, two inventors from California came up with a high-tech muzzle, that would allow a police K-9 to deliver a 50,000 volt shock to a fleeing suspect, instead of biting him. But before law enforcement authorities will even consider using such a device, it will have to undergo rigorous testing and extensive research.

  It has been reported that over a period of two years, the state of Alabama has imported 188 tons of rock for chain gangs to crush.

  Double Xxposure, an image consultancy, reportedly charges $250 per class to teach hip-hop and rap artists proper etiquette.

  Fort Worth, Texas – Deputy Marshal David Zimlich investigated an illegal dump owned by Ted Peters, a former city councilman. His investigation seemed to step on someone's toes. When Zimlich found out that people dumped oil, asbestos and other water contaminants, he was demoted and forced to stop his investigation. He refused to look the other way and went to court where he was awarded $2.1 million for loss of future earnings and mental anguish.

  Arizona – A survey of 701 residents by the Behavior Research Center of Arizona showed that despite all the negative press, 58 percent of the questioned residents still trust the police to do "the right thing" while only about 10 to 15 percent trust the government officials and politicians.

  Jackson, Mississippi – American Police Beat reported that Republican Party chief Haley Barbour took out a big newspaper ad which read: "Heard about Republicans cutting Medicare? The fact is, Republicans are increasing Medicare spending by more than half. I'm Haley Barbour and I'm so sure of that fact that I'm willing to give you a million dollars if you can prove me wrong." Eighty people came forward to prove him wrong and collect the money, but instead of keeping the promise, the Republican Party filed a preemptive lawsuit in Federal Court in Jackson to prevent anyone who can prove Barbour wrong from getting the promised reward.

  Old state laws in Ohio prohibit arrests for misdemeanors on Sundays or on July 4th, and of people on their way to church.

  Boston, Massachusetts – When mayor Menino and several other politicians posed for a photo shoot in front of the monkey cage at the Franklin Park Zoo, a gorilla "made a statement" by throwing his own feces at them.

  Miami, Florida – Shortly before the Republican convention in August 1996, a man carrying three suitcases climbed a 400-foot radio tower and refused to come back down unless he was selected as Bob Dole's running mate.

  In 1996, Michael Moore, host of the satirical TV show "TV Nation," decided to test the moral and ethical standards of the three major candidates in the presidential elections. He sent $100 donations to the campaigns of Clinton, Dole and Buchanan. Moore pretended the donations came from groups named "The
John Wayne Gacey Fan Club," "Pedophiles for Free Trade," and "Hemp Growers of America." Most the checks were accepted and cashed.

  Mount Joy, Iowa – The city's legislators, who felt strip clubs are offensive and have no place in their community, decided to outlaw nude dancing in bars that serve alcohol. As a result, the local strip clubs began serving fruit juices only. When the law was changed to include juice bars, the strip clubs turned into "theaters of the performing arts" and "art schools." For $10, club patrons now are handed paper and pencils and get to draw nude models.

  Chicago, Illinois – Police officers and firefighters were fuming when mayor Richard Daley said that if they weren't satisfied with a 2.5% pay increase, they could quit. The mayor himself on the other hand had just received a 36% pay hike.

  Pilar, Brazil – Police investigated the death of a goat named Frederico. Citizens unhappy with their local politicians decided to make the goat their official mayoral candidate. Frederico was believed to have been poisoned by a rival candidate. Frederico's supporters had been shot at when they drove through Pilar in a 50-vehicle convoy. The goat had led opinion polls and probably would have won the election, had its career not come to such a sudden end.

  The State of Missouri passed a law designed to reduce government paperwork. The bill for the new law was 1,012 pages long and weighed five pounds.

  Bensalem township, Pennsylvania – The mayor's son and former veteran officer of the lower Southampton Township Police Department were arrested for conspiring to rob, steal and burgle. The ex-cop confessed to being the mastermind behind the plot to finance the recovery of a sunken pirate treasure.

  According to an article published in the Texas Highway Patrol Magazine, state law in Texas permits you to bring drugs from Mexico into Texas only if a Mexican doctor personally handed them to you. If the same doctor just gave you a prescription and told you to buy the medicine from his cousin's pharmacy next door, it is illegal to bring the drugs back to Texas.

  Followers of the Cuban religion Sateria living in Florida declared that sacrificing chicken was an important part of their faith. In 1993, the U.S. Supreme Court decided to protect their rights and ruled that Florida's ban on animal sacrifice was unconstitutional.

  The Minnesota Supreme Court ruled that Amish horse and buggies are not required to display the orange sign that usually warns other drivers about a slow-moving vehicle. The court ruled that forcing Amish people to display anything brightly colored would be a violation of their beliefs.

  A U.S. Tax Court ruled that breast implants are tax deductible as long as they are being used for business and people pay money to see the result of the procedure.

  A local law in San Joaquin Valley, California, makes it illegal for anyone to stop a child from jumping into a mud puddle.

  Queens, New York – A teenage boy casually dragged a public pay phone and the aluminum pole that it was still attached to along Queens Boulevard in Forest Hills. When a police officers stopped him, the teenager explained that he "found" the phone and was taking it home.

  Kissimee, Florida – A woman allegedly offered to sell her 5-year-old niece to a stranger for $24.

  Tampa, Florida – A 6-year-old girl was arrested, handcuffed, and held at the juvenile detention center for several hours after disrupting a crime prevention class at school. When a police officer showed a crime prevention video, the girl refused to move her chair back away from the TV. She was brought to the principal's office. After kicking and spitting at both the officer and the principal, she was brought to a detention center where her father picked her up several hours later.

  Alicante, Spain – Seven teenagers attempted to mug a seemingly defenseless woman. What they didn't know was that the woman was Herminia Alvarez, a circus weightlifter. All seven thugs were hospitalized.

  Lakeland, Florida – Law enforcement officers were forced into a 7-minute-long stand-off with a truant boy who used his niece as a human shield and pointed a shotgun at the officers. The ten-year-old boy was quoted as saying: "I'd sooner shoot you than go to school." He was charged as an adult with assault on a sheriff's deputy and armed kidnapping.

  Minnesota – "Mighty Moms," a group of women that confronts rowdy teenagers in shopping malls with "verbal judo," charges $20 per hour for their security services.

  According to Harper's Index, one in three Americans cannot name a single right protected by the First Amendment, and only one in two 17-year-old Americans can express 9/100 as a percentage.

  The CDC announced that the homicide rate among children under the age of 15 in the USA is 2.57 children killed per 100,000. The child homicides in the survey's other 25 industrialized countries combined only amount to a rate of 0.51 per 100,000.

  The U.S. Department of Justice announced that an average of 250,000 people call 911 every day. The Department also estimated that 1 in 20 residents of the United States will at some point in their lifetime be imprisoned.

  According to a RAND study, one million dollars spent on incarcerating repeat felons will prevent 61 serious crimes, while one million dollars spent on high school graduation incentives will prevent 258 serious crimes.

  In a survey of 1,200 adult Americans, 55% could not name one Supreme Court Justice, but 59% could name all the original Three Stooges.

  Studies indicate that the dumbing down of Americans may be one of the reasons for the unprecedented surge in teenage violence. The United States not only has one of the highest crime rates among western nations, it also has one of the worst public school systems in the industrialized world. In most other countries, health care and education are socialized and not-for-profit, just like the police and fire departments. The only thing stopping anyone in Europe from going to college and becoming a doctor or an architect are bad grades. There are no expensive tuition fees.

  Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania – In 1995, a man filled out a job application at a restaurant, then changed his mind and decided to rob the place instead. Although he fled the scene, the police officers who happened to be eating lunch at the restaurant when the robbery occured had no problem catching him, because he had written his name, address, and social security number on his job application.

  Houston, Texas – A judge was reprimanded for fondling female prosecutors and drinking the evidence in a DUI case.

  Buffalo, New York – A man who had been arrested for robbing a woman in a supermarket parking lot, chocked to death in the backseat of a police car, when he tried to destroy evidence by eating a $50 bill.

  Lorestan, Iran – In this part of the world, it is a popular tradition to shoot bursts of gunfire into the air to celebrate a wedding. In 1995, it was reported that a guest killed 6 people and wounded 14, when he lost control of his automatic weapon. A similar tradition in some parts of Turkey compels men to show off their weapons at wedding parties. In 1997, it was reported that a man had brought a hand grenade to a Turkish wedding party. While he was dancing, the safety pin of his grenade got caught on the vest of another dancer. The grenade exploded and injured 50 people.

  Muncie, Indiana – An intoxicated woman, who shot a gun at a callus on her foot, explained: "I tried to cut it off with a razor and that didn't work."

  Springfield, Massachusetts – Two gangs arrived at the local police station at the same time to post bail for fellow members. The Los Solidos and La Familia gangs immediately started shooting at each other – right in front of the police station entrance.

  Norway's murder rate is the lowest in the world.

  The number one murder weapon in the United States is the gun. In Japan, it's the sword.

  In 14 Latin American countries, a rapist is exonerated if the victim accepts his marriage proposal.

  In 1996, the Mexican government fired 1,200 federal law enforcement agents for violating "ethical standards."

  The latest fashion craze among Russian capitalists is bulletproof underwear. The boxer shorts cost 300,000 rubles (about $55) and contain seven steel plates. The shorts are designed to provide protection from a
n Uzi fired at the shorts from as close as five meters.

  South African crime gangs requested police protection in Capetown after being subjected to attacks by vigilantes.

  London's crime records show that a man named Sir Edmund Betty was killed at Greenberry Hill in 1911. Three men were convicted of his murder and hanged. Their names were Green, Berry, and Hill.

  A gang dug a 165-foot-long tunnel into the Banco Credito Argentino and robbed $25 million. This marked the 55th bank robbery in Buenos Aires involving a tunnel since 1990.

  Edgbaston, England – After an employee of the James Beauchamp Law Firm committed suicide, the firm reportedly sent his mother a bill for about $20,000 for settling her son's office work. The bill detailed items such as $2,300 for going to the employee's home to find out why he hadn't shown up for work, $500 for identifying his body for the coroner, and $250 to go to the mother's home and tell her that her son was dead. The law firm withdrew its bill after some unfavorable publicity.