Police Humor!
Page 5
Youngstown, Ohio – Six large sidewalk slabs disappeared from the corner of Shehy Street and Forest Avenue. A 42-year-old man was charged with stealing them.
Van Nuys, California – In 1997, the Airtel Plaza Hotel hosted a D.A.R.E. seminar. Coincidentally, the hotel hosted the International Conference on Prostitution at the same time. The 30 law enforcement officers attending the anti-drug conference shared the hotel with over 200 hookers.
New York, New York – During his two-week show "I Bite America and America Bites Me," the Russian performance artist Oleg Kulik pretended to be a dog from the minute his plane landed in New York, until the time he left town. He lived in a cage in an art gallery, wearing nothing but a dog collar. Visitors could enter the cage to play with him. So far, Kulik has been arrested in three countries for biting his audience.
Queens, New York – A 78-year-old man in a hurry to cross the street was sucked up and killed by the mechanical brooms of a street sweeping truck before the sanitation worker was able to stop the vehicle.
Oil City, Pennsylvania – Buddy Post's life has been "a nightmare" ever since he won $16.2 million in the state lottery in 1988. In 1991, he was sentenced to two years in prison for assaulting his stepdaughter's boyfriend as the result of a business-related argument. In 1992, the court ordered him to give one-third of the lottery winnings to his former land lady who claimed she shared the ticket with him. In 1993, Post's brother Jeffrey was convicted of plotting to kill him and his wife to get his hands on the money. Then Post's sixth wife left him. The mansion he bought turned out to be a dump, and his business ventures, including a bar he had bought, all failed. Drowning in legal bills, he had to file for bankruptcy. Post recently sold the movie rights to the story of his life.
Shallotte, North Carolina – 65 people attended the first annual Christian Nudist Convention in 1996.
Rancho Santa Fe, California – In 1997, two sheriff's deputies discovered 39 corpses covered in diamond-shaped purple shrouds at the site of the worst mass suicide in US history. Marshall Applewhite, leader of the religious cult Heaven's Gate, had convinced his followers to commit suicide with him. Wearing matching black outfits and brand new black sneakers, the cultists had eaten poisoned pudding after each of them had packed a suitcase with clothes, spiral notebooks and lip balm. In their pockets, each of them carried a $5 bill and a stash of quarters.
The members of Heaven's Gate had believed that a spaceship was hiding behind the approaching comet, Hale-Bopp, and that killing off their earthly containers (bodies) would allow them to ascend to the "Level Above Human" and board the mothership.
The magazine Police reported that Deputy Robert Brunk, one of the two officers who discovered the bodies, bought a lottery ticket afterwards, arguing that the chance of getting called to a scene as bizarre as this one was as rare as winning the lottery. Since 11-45 is the code for a suicide call, Brunk included these two numbers on his ticket.
Deputy Laura Gacek, who had been dispatched to assist Brunk, mentioned in an interview that not long after the Heaven's Gate suicides, she found herself in yet another bizarre situation: Two men claimed to be witch doctors and to have a voodoo doll of her, through which they could control Gacek's actions and even prevent her gun's bullets from working.
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Stettler, Alberta – David Zurfluh, 18, ate his own underwear when police pulled him over for a breathalyzer test. He hoped the cotton fabric would absorb the alcohol. Although his car was weaving on the road earlier, he did pass the test.
Derbyshire, England - The Telegraph newspaper reported that undercover officers at Derbyshire police sent letters to dozens of people who had evaded arrest, asking them to call a marketing company to collect a free crate of beer. A total of 19 suspects fell for the hoax and called the number on the letter, which put them through to police officers based at the Chesterfield police station. The fugitives were instructed to arrange a date, time and location for the free alcohol to be dropped off. But instead of being handed free beer, the wanted men were handcuffed and arrested.
Wisconsin - Two shoplifters stole a load of DVDs and video games from a Target store. While sitting on his cell phone, one of the men accidentally "butt dialed" 911. The two men spent about an hour boasting and joking about how easy it was to rob Target, and the 911 operator was not only able to hear them brag about their crime, but also making fun of other criminals for getting caught.
Scranton, Pennsylvania – On the way to jail for stealing hotel linens, Karin Mackaliunas, 27, kept shifting in the backseat of the police car, as if trying to get her hands down the front of her pants. The officers took her to a hospital for a thorough body cavity search. Doctors discovered that she'd turned her vagina into a storage locker. The doctors removed 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 Xanax pills and $51 in bills and 22 cents in coins from her vagina. This could quite possibly be a world record.
Chicago, Illinois – Mario Garcia, 39, and Domingo Garcia-Hernandez, 28, went to the Clifton Grill restaurant in West Rogers Park, demanding food and said: "I will kill you, I have a gun with me," the Chicago Tribune reported. The quick-witted owner told the men he was too busy, but to come back in an hour. And they did! When the men showed up again just after midnight, they demanded $100 in addition to free food. The owner told the guys he needed to get his wife’s check book, which bought him enough time to call the police. Both me were charged with attempted aggravated robbery. Garcia-Hernandez was also charged with possession of a replica firearm: a squirt gun.
Waco, Texas – In 2012, Hannah Sabata, 19, uploaded a video of herself on YouTube, waving money around and bragging that she had just robbed the Cornerstone bank and that this was the best day of her life. Police arrested her the next day.
San Antonio, Texas – Ricardo Jones, 37, pulled out a gun and opened fire on the manager of a local Taco Bell, after Jones was informed that Taco Bell had increased the price of their Beefy Crunch burritos by 50 cents. After employees called the police, Jones ended up in a 4-hour-long shoot out with the SWAT team, until he was finally arrested.
El Lago, Texas - Police were looking for a thief in an empty building. An officer went inside and called out, "Marco," as a joke. Police found the suspect after he responded, "Polo."
Columbus, Ohio – When Charles Kinser and Timothy Lebo were caught transporting a stolen ATM machine with a stolen car, they tried to convince the police officers that it was their washing machine.
CARTOONS BY GASPIRTZ
Book 1: Embarrassing True Stories
Book 2: Pet Humor!
Book 3: Police Humor!
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