As Tears Go By

by Lydia Michaels

  Taking him deep in her mouth, he whispered her name. “Oh, sweet Becca…”

  They didn’t have much time before someone came looking for them, so she made quick work of bringing him to climax. His grip tightened in her hair as her mouth quickly worked over his flesh.

  Sometimes Braydon seemed submissive in bed, always asking permission before he laid a hand on her, but other times his actions spoke of great control and hints of dominance. They were still learning each other and she liked discovering varying sides to his sexuality. He helped her find new sides of herself as well.

  When she finished him, there was something languid in the air between them. This weekend would surely take their relationship deeper, but she wasn’t sure how deep either of them was prepared to go.

  * * * *

  “Frank!”

  Sheilagh rolled her eyes as her mother yelled. “He’s watching the game with Alec, Mum.”

  “I need to run to town. I’m out of flour for the dumplings. Any of you girls want to take a ride with me?”

  Carla and Nikki, who were slicing carrots at the table, perked up. “Sure.”

  “Good.” Her mother grabbed a set of keys off the hook. “Sheilagh, tell your father I’ll be back in a few minutes. Don’t let him touch the soup.”

  “You got it,” she said as she finished up the carrots.

  The moment they left Sheilagh breathed a sigh of relief. It was strange, since living alone with Alec she’d come to appreciate life’s moments of stillness—which didn’t exist in the big house. Carrying the carrots to the large pot on the stove, she dropped them in.

  “Mum?” The side door opened and she tensed at the sound of Luke’s voice. “Oh. Where’s Mum?”

  Still unable to meet her brother Luke’s gaze head on, she busied herself with picking the chicken off the bone. “She ran into town to get flour for the dumplings.”

  “Oh. I, uh, needed to see if she has any chocolate chips. Tristan’s attempting brownies.”

  It still gave her pause, hearing Luke mention Tristan with open affection. She rummaged through the pantry for chocolate chips. “Tristan bakes?”

  “Yeah. It’s his new passion, but he’s not too good at it, so brace yourself.”

  She laughed, because it seemed polite. Where the hell are the chocolate chips? Her mind reached for sounds of Alec in the next room, drawing strength from his nearness.

  She didn’t know if she’d ever be comfortable in Luke’s presence again. It had been a long time since their big fight, and a lot had changed. But, because she no longer lived on the mountain, she never truly felt they got the closure they deserved. Maybe she didn’t deserve closure in his eyes.

  It also had a lot to do with her being too afraid to face him. She loved Luke, but he had the ability to pulverize her on an emotional level and send her to a dark place she no longer wanted to visit.

  “Here they are.” She turned and came to an abrupt halt when she found her brother right behind her. “What are you doing?”

  He looked at her for a long time without saying a word. Awkwardly, she glanced to the stove. The soup was fine, but she wished it wasn’t so that she could get away. “Luke, I have to check on the soup. Here.” She held out the chips, but he brushed them aside.

  “I love you, Sheilagh. I don’t want it to be weird between us anymore.”

  Her chest tightened and she desperately wished for Alec to come and rescue her. She didn’t do situations like this well, especially on her own. “I love you too, dork. Now, let me check the soup.”

  “No. The soup’s fine. I need to say this.”

  “Luke—”

  “Just listen to me for a second.” He drew in a long breath. “I was awful to you. I was wrong. You were a kid and I had so many problems. I hated everyone around me, but I hated myself most. The things I said to you, they weren’t right and they weren’t true. You’re a good sister and when I see you with Finn and Bray and the others, I get so angry with myself, because I damaged that. I want my sister back.”

  The pain in her chest doubled as her throat constricted and her vision blurred. “I can’t do this.” She pushed past him, but he caught her arm, surprising her by forcing her into a firm hug.

  His cheek pressed to the top of her head. “Yes, you can. I’m not going to fight with you anymore. I promise. I’m so sorry, Devil. For everything. I love you.”

  Too many emotions caused her will to collapse. A hiccupped sob escaped her throat and her arms tightened around the bulk of his body. How long she had waited to hear his apology. He might be the one asking for forgiveness, but to her thinking, that testified to him forgiving her as well. “I love you too, Luke.”

  Her face pressed into his shirt, where she could scent traces of Tristan’s cologne. “I’m sorry, Luke. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for judging you. And most of all I’m sorry for not having the courage to face you when you needed your family most.” She had so much regret from the summer before last when her brother was nearly killed and laid up in a hospital bed.

  She’d been hysterical and distraught, wanting to go to him, but too afraid her presence wouldn’t be wanted. Luke had been the one to call her during his recovery, but his apology was so out of the blue and he’d been on serious pain meds, she wasn’t sure if he was sincere. Now she believed him.

  “Never again, baby girl. Never again.”

  She simply held on to him. He was so strong and they’d been through so much. There were hundreds of moments they could have talked, but they both seemed hesitant. Perhaps they needed the extra time to heal. Or maybe they each needed the time to find themselves, find their perfect counterparts, and find peace, which they had.

  Luke had Tristan and she had Alec. How had she ever questioned such things? It was difficult for her to comprehend her past feelings toward Tristan now that she understood true love and witnessed it every day with her husband.

  “Sheilagh?” Sniffling, she peeked past her brother and found Alec, a look of cautious concern on her husband’s face.

  “Hey.”

  Luke stepped back and faced the wall, taking a moment to find his composure. Alec glanced at her brother and frowned. “Everything okay?”

  She laughed, a bit watery. “Everything’s great.”

  Luke turned and approached Alec. “I was just making a long overdue apology. I believe I owe you one as well.” He held out his hand, which seemed to surprise her husband. “And a thank you.”

  “A thank you?”

  Luke nodded and cleared his throat. “For being there for Sheilagh when she needed someone most. For loving her and making her happy. She deserves a good guy and she found one in you.”

  Alec grinned and shook her brother’s hand. It might have been the first time they ever touched. “Thank you,” Alec responded, clearly taken aback by Luke’s words.

  The side door opened again. “Maureen—” Tristan’s steps cut short. “Hey. What’s going on?” His expression turned guarded, as he took in their weepy eyes and the unusual grouping of her, Luke, and Alec, alone in the same room.

  Luke grabbed the chips off the counter and handed them to Tristan, placing a kiss on his cheek. It was the first time Sheilagh saw her brother openly kiss his partner. “I did it,” he whispered to Tristan.

  Tristan glanced at Luke and smiled. It seemed this moment had been something they’d discussed in private. “Good.”

  There was so much affection in the look they shared, Sheilagh felt a bit like an intruder. Before she could think of something to say, Tristan pegged her with his familiar eyes. Holding out his arms, he said, “My turn, baby girl.”

  She glanced at Alec who nodded with a smile and she rushed to Tristan’s arms. He lifted her off the ground and hugged her tight. God, she’d missed her friend.

  His lips pressed to her hair and she snuggled into him. He had been such a part of her life, the distance between them over the past year had drained her more than words could expre
ss.

  “I love you, baby girl.”

  “I love you too.”

  “Is dinner ready?—Oh.” Braydon stilled as he came into the kitchen, clearly aware he was encroaching on a private moment. She beamed when she saw the way her brother clasped Becca’s hand possessively. Something told her he wasn’t letting this one out of his sight.

  Wiping away her tears, Sheilagh apologized. “Sorry, we were just talking.”

  “Everything all right?” he asked nervously, pulling Becca into the room. “Where are Carla and Nikki?”

  “They went with Mum into town to get some things.”

  Braydon’s face dropped. “Shit.”

  * * * *

  “Hold on girls!” Maureen yelled as she whipped around the turn into traffic. “Now, see over there, that’s the farmer’s market my daughter-in-law owns. She and my son Kelly run it when they’re not running the bar?”

  “O’Malley’s, right?” Carla asked, excited to tour the town.

  “That’s right. Have you been there?”

  “No, but Braydon told us about it.”

  “Oh, ‘tis a lovely pub. Would you like to stop in for a nip?”

  Carla glanced at Nikki who shrugged. “Sure.”

  “All right then.” Before they had a chance to brace themselves, Maureen yanked the wheel and made an abrupt U-turn.

  Nikki laughed. “Oh, I think I like you, Mrs. McCullough.”

  “Call me Maureen, love. And I like you too. Like everyone. Unless you’re on my shit list, that is. Perhaps my nephews will be there. Do you like Irishmen?”

  “What’s not to like?” Carla asked.

  They pulled into the parking lot of O’Malley’s. It looked like your average small town pub, stucco walls, simple green door, with a wooden sign on the exterior. This should be fun, Carla thought.

  “Come along, girls.” Maureen hopped out of the truck and removed her apron. The woman had endless energy.

  “Do I look all right?” Nikki asked as she climbed down.

  “What do you care? You’re married.”

  “I’m not dead, though. There’re Irishmen in there. McCullough Irishmen.”

  “Yeah, but from what I hear, all the good ones are taken.”

  “Not all of them, love,” Maureen said with a grin as she slapped her lightly on the cheek. “Come along. Sheilagh’s watching the soup and she’ll only be able to fight off the men for so long. Once they realize she’s got food they’ll be up her arse like a bad thong. But she’s a fighter, my devil.”

  Carla stilled. “Oh my God, I love this woman.”

  They followed her into the bar and Carla’s eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. The second she noticed the man behind the bar she froze. Choirs sang and mystical doves seemed to release from somewhere in her mind. “Holy mother of man flesh. I think my ovaries just exploded. Tell me that one’s single.”

  Maureen laughed. “’Fraid not, love. That there’s my rogue. Kelly!”

  The gorgeous bartender turned with a smile. Yup. When God said let there be sexy he definitely had this man in mind.

  “Who let you out without supervision?” the bartender teased.

  Maureen waved his words away and dragged them closer to the tattooed, blue-eyed devil at the bar. “I ran out of flour.”

  Kelly laughed. “We don’t sell that here, Mum.”

  “Tis a shame. I suppose I’ll just have to buy a nip instead. Give us three shots of Tully, love.”

  “And who are your friends? Picking up hitchhikers again?” He turned and winked a sharp sapphire eye in their direction and Carla wiped her gaping jaw, doing a quick drool check.

  “Holy shit, he should have a license to carry a face like that,” Nikki whispered.

  “I’m sorry,” Carla said, leaning close, but keeping her eyes on Kelly. “My vagina’s in some sort of spasm right now. I couldn’t quite make out your words.”

  “Yeah,” Nikki mumbled.

  Carla nodded, thinking she hadn’t blinked in about four minutes. “I could break him.”

  “I could break him better,” Nikki said.

  Carla frowned at her married sister. Shoving Nikki aside she climbed onto a stool. “Hi. I’m Carla, Becca’s friend.”

  He slid three stout glasses across the bar. “Are you Becca?” he asked, tipping his chin toward Nikki.

  “She’s nobody. I’m Carla. Car-la. Try saying it.”

  He laughed nervously and eyed his mother. “Mum?”

  “They’re Braydon’s friends, love. He’s brought home a lassie and these two followed along to take in the sights. Seems this one likes the sight of you.” She laughed and slung back her drink, leaving not a drop in the glass.

  Carla did the same, enjoying the slow burn as it traveled down her throat. Letting out a whistle, she decided she liked these people, liked this place. Definitely liked the bartender.

  “Are they coming here tonight?” Kelly asked as he refilled his mother’s glass.

  “Oh, I believe. They’ll be staying until Sunday.”

  “And you say he brought a girl home? Has Colin met her yet?”

  Maureen laughed, slapping her son’s arm and slinging back another shot. “Don’t you start, Kelly. Your brother’s a married man. His days of stealing Braydon’s girlfriends are over.”

  “Someone stole Braydon’s girlfriend? Do tell,” Nikki said, sliding her empty glass back to Kelly.

  The next hour passed in a blur. Kelly was excellent at his job, especially when Carla imagined him doing it naked. He told them all about Colin, the once intended priest, stealing Braydon’s girlfriend in college. He also told amusing tidbits about Finn and Luke and Sheilagh. It seemed with such a big family there was plenty of juicy gossip to keep a happy hour quite happy.

  * * * *

  Becca’s head was spinning. Braydon hadn’t been kidding when he said his family was big. He also wasn’t exaggerating when he said he was used to chaos. She’d escaped for a brief moment to catch her breath and call Kevin.

  Closing herself in what looked like an infrequently used sewing room, she dialed.

  “Hello, Rebecca.” His irritable tone told her he was flustered.

  “Hey, is everything okay?”

  “As good as can be expected.”

  Hunter’s voice could be heard in the background and she hated not being able to see him in that moment. “Has he eaten?”

  Kevin scoffed. “I know how to take care of my son, Rebecca. Give me a little credit.”

  She tried, but when it came to Hunter she was a control freak and for good reason. “He sounds agitated, did you—”

  “He’s perfectly fine,” Kevin snapped. “Did you call to check in on him or me?”

  “Well, both, I guess.”

  “Nothing you could do anyway, all the way out in the middle of nowhere with your new friends,” he grumbled.

  “Kevin…”

  “Rebecca…” he mimicked. “Look, we’re good here. Get back to your vacation.”

  She hadn’t taken a vacation in years and it wasn’t fair for him to make her feel guilty about getting out of town rather than sitting home alone over a holiday. “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything.”

  “Yeah, sure. As my wife is spending her Thanksgiving with a family she doesn’t know and I’m here trying to figure out how long to defrost a turkey, yeah, I’d say we have it covered.”

  Her brow tensed. What did he expect? “Ex-wife.”

  “Whatever. Have fun.” The line went dead.

  His bad attitude should have made it easier to write off his comments, but this being her first holiday away from her son made that a little difficult. Desperately trying not to get overly upset, she didn’t allow herself much time to think about past years’ traditions. That life was over now, over because her husband never was on the same page as the rest of them, and it was time to close that book.

  However, old habits die hard and when a woman committed a lifetime to a man, it wasn’t always ea
sy to discard the failed result. So many years fighting toward a happy marriage made it difficult to restructure her thinking and move in a new direction, no matter how much her rational brain decided forward was the way to go, her heart and long-term memory seemed to keep pulling her backward.

  Perhaps every divorced person struggled with letting go. She wasn’t necessarily mourning the loss of Kevin, but mourning her failed marriage. It certainly was a process. On top of that process was the difficult acceptance of who Kevin had become. He was not the man she’d married. Yet her heart couldn’t seem to separate the two. Moments like this, moments when he was cold and short with her, brought that realization home.

  When she returned to the kitchen the McCulloughs multiplied like Gremlins. Each one shouted over the other, and she was beginning to worry that Carla and Nikki weren’t back yet.

  Braydon’s gaze connected with hers and his brow creased with concern. Sidling to her side, he whispered, “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, just Kevin being Kevin.”

  His gaze traveled over his relatives as he offered a knowing nod. But he didn’t know. He would never know how much she still hurt over the fact that she’d married wrong. The fact that Hunter’s father threw away their vows on some sleazy neighbor yet had the ability to make her feel like a criminal for walking away.

  Refusing to dwell on her divorce while spending the weekend with her boyfriend’s family, she shoved all worrying thoughts away and pasted on what she hoped was a convincing smile.

  “When can we eat?” Finn shouted. He’d arrived shortly after they came down stairs and interrupted what seemed like a touching exchange between Sheilagh and Luke. “Mum’s been gone for over an hour.”

  “Lord knows where your mother got off too. I’m going in,” Frank said, taking the ladle from Kate.

  Children were everywhere. Ashlynn, a tiny thing in overalls, nudged Frank out of the way with her hip. “You’ll make a mess. Let me do it.”