As Tears Go By

by Lydia Michaels

  Miranda’s laugh trickled down the hall with enough force to galvanize Becca. She crept to the door and glanced inside. Her heart plummeted the moment she saw Miranda’s hand touch Braydon’s arm.

  Braydon stepped back. “Miranda, stop.”

  At the sound of his protest, Becca stepped back. What was she doing there? Sure, she could say she was just visiting, but the transparent truth was she was spying. This was a mistake. He’d be hurt to know she needed to see proof in order to believe him and in that moment she wanted to turn back and run, disgusted with her insecure self.

  Quickly pivoting, she rushed down the hall toward the elevator she’d arrived on.

  “Becca?”

  Crap. Shoulders tense, she slowly turned. “Hi, Miranda. I…uh…was looking for Braydon.”

  The woman smiled. “He’s right in there.” She turned. “Bray? You have a visitor.” Surprisingly, her tone was polite, almost pleased. She turned back to her. “I bet you’re relieved to be finishing up with Apricot. I think the entire deal went wonderfully for all parties involved.”

  Of all the things Becca expected, speaking to this woman as a peer hadn’t been one of them. “Y—yes. I’m glad they chose your firm.”

  Braydon immerged from the office, his pace slowing as he spotted her speaking to Miranda. “Hey.”

  Miranda smiled. “I’ll leave you two alone. Good job today, McCullough.”

  He nodded, but didn’t take his eyes off of Becca. “What are you doing here, Becca?”

  Scrunching her face, disappointed in herself on so many levels, she rushed out, “Being stupid.”

  “What?” He laughed.

  Huffing out a deep breath, she confessed, “I was checking up on you. Or marking my territory. Or…I don’t know.” Glancing up at him with pleading eyes, she admitted, “I have issues. I’m sorry I blamed you for them.”

  His mouth curled into a half smile, gifting her with an endearing shot of his dimple. “Did I ever tell you how adorable you are?”

  Her neck extended. “Adorable? Did you hear anything I just said?”

  Reaching out, he pinched her chin. “I heard everything, even the stuff you didn’t say, angel.” He shrugged. “It’s sort of flattering to know you’re territorial about me.”

  “But…you don’t deserve my suspicions.”

  “No, but I don’t mind. If coming here somehow helped you find a little peace of mind, then it’s fine. I told you, I have nothing to hide. I’m an open book.”

  It did give her peace of mind and a little bit of a reality check. That he somehow realized that and didn’t seem to mind that she was pretty much crazy—and a child—made her fall more in love with him. Swallowing her shame, she lifted her gaze to his. “I’m sorry.”

  He looked at her for a long moment, his gaze scrutinizing. Slowly, he took her hand. “Come with me.”

  Lacing her fingers with his, she followed him as they ducked into a conference room and he shut the door. He quickly spun her until her back met the wall and his lips crashed over hers. Drawing in a deep breath, he kissed her deeply, pressing his hips to hers. “Thank you.”

  He was thanking her? “For what?”

  His face pressed to her neck as he sighed into her hair. “For coming here, for caring enough to look for the truth rather than gambling what we have on ungrounded suspicions. I’m not sure anyone’s ever cared that much, Becca. It feels…good. Reassuring.”

  Impossible. Didn’t he realize what a catch he was? Didn’t the rest of the women out there see him? She wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him. “I promise I won’t always be this crazy.”

  “Mmm…” he hummed contently. “A little crazy can be fun.”

  But she knew she could be better. She had to conquer her trust issues. Otherwise, she might lose this incredible man and she was pretty sure there wasn’t another man out there as wonderful as him.

  * * * *

  That evening, after Hunter was in bed, Becca decided to address their future. Her life was subtly shifting in ways that led to dramatic change. Rather than continue to make harmful assumptions, she was learning honesty worked better for everyone.

  The first person she needed to be honest with was herself. Braydon was immensely important to her and if she wanted all of him, she needed to get some answers. “Did you ever think of opening your own company?”

  Shifting on the bed, he hesitated and then said, “I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.”

  Though he’d hinted at the idea before, the way he tacked on the word lately gave her pause. “You have?”

  He nodded. “I never wanted to work for a big company. I always assumed I’d eventually work from home, maybe have a small satellite office downtown for meetings.”

  She could imagine him doing that, but how soon did he expect to put these changes into effect? She should know these things, because if home was back in Center County, that would change a lot.

  There was no doubt in her mind that Braydon would be successful no matter who he worked for, himself or a corporation. He definitely had a gift when it came to design. The Apricot deal had been an overwhelming success, thanks to his creativity. Combine that with his personality and his capability in matters, his endless abilities became almost intimidating.

  “How about you?” he asked.

  She turned, lost in her thoughts. “What about me?”

  “Do you see yourself working for Nikki forever?”

  She’d never given it much thought. It was a good job and she was comfortable in Pittsburgh. Nikki understood her homelife and understood family emergencies always took precedence over any work crisis. “Unless I have a reason to leave, I think I could stay there and be happy.”

  He was quiet for several minutes. “I built a house.”

  As though a ton of bricks landed on her chest, her heart stuttered. Her skin went cold with shock. “What?”

  “I built a house.” His expression gave nothing away. “In Center County.”

  Her throat constricted to a pinhole as she tried to swallow. He’d built a house? When? What did this mean? He was moving? “A house?”

  He nodded, but didn’t smile, which did nothing to slow her panic. “On the mountain.”

  Her lips parted as everything became clear. He was moving out of the city. “You built your house.” How much time did they have left? How had he managed something so grand without uttering a word to her? This was so unexpected. She’d known he’d missed home, but she assumed they had more time. At no point did he lead her to believe his eminent departure would be this soon.

  “Our house.”

  Snapping her head up, she frowned at him. “Our house?”

  “Yeah. I wanted it to be finished before I took you to see it. It’s almost done.”

  He built a house—in Center County—for them. Where was she when all this was decided? Shaking her head in confusion, she said, “But I live here.” Her life was here. She couldn’t just pick up and go!

  “We don’t have to. We could live together—there.”

  Sixty seconds ago she was lying on her bed pondering the future. No one told her the future was going to start a minute later. She wasn’t prepared for this. “What are you talking about? Braydon, we haven’t even discussed moving in with each other.”

  “I’m at your house nearly every night. The only time we’re apart is when we’re working or I’m traveling. Maybe it’s time we had the discussion.”

  She blew out a puff of air. Her heart was pounding like a jackhammer. They were dating. Granted, she didn’t have much experience with dating, but wasn’t moving in together a big deal that should be discussed way before a place was selected? Didn’t her opinion count for anything? She’d told him she liked when he decided in bed, but this was totally different! “This is a conversation we should’ve had before you invested in the first nail. I can’t move, Braydon. Living together’s one thing, but moving far away is totally different. Hunter’s school’s here.”

&nb
sp; Calmly, he took her hand and squeezed. “I want to live with you, Becca. You and Hunter.” How was he so calm?

  “This is a big deal, Braydon. You act like you’re stating you want ice cream.”

  “I know what I want.”

  She shook her head. For as level headed as he was, she was that much more scattered and paranoid. “But I have a house.”

  “Do you love it? Tell me you love your home, and I’ll back off.”

  He had an answer for everything. “Nobody loves their home one hundred percent, but it’s ours. It’s Hunter’s home. He’s used to it. He’s lived here his entire life. I can’t just uproot him. He has school. I have a job. And I have to consider Kevin in all of this.”

  “Kevin could still see Hunter.”

  “How, Braydon? He lives in the city. Center County’s hours away. It’s an impossible commute.”

  “Nothing’s impossible.”

  She shook her head, baffled by his optimism. He held such a positive outlook on everything. It seemed to amplify her pessimism, which made her cynical thinking all the more unflattering. “You aren’t being realistic. People don’t just stop everything and start over at this age.”

  Her mind was reeling. He built a house. A house. Not a fort or a shed. A house! As amazing as that was, it made her incredibly sad. He’d be moving there with or without her—the investment was made. She couldn’t just leave her home and run off to Center County. She had Hunter to consider, bills to pay, a job to maintain. He hadn’t even given her the chance to invite him to move in with them. That would be more realistic.

  “Plenty of people start over, angel. You gotta be brave. Think about your life. How many memories of your home were fractured by your divorce? Your house is nice, but this bed we sleep in…you picked it out with your ex-husband. Every bit of furniture came before me. I’m trying to get you to take the next step. I want to take it with you, but I want you to—”

  “Braydon. This isn’t just about a house. Our home is in Pittsburgh.”

  “Why, though? It doesn’t have to be. You can make a home anywhere you choose. I know you loved being at the mountain. I love it too. My family’s there, but since falling in love with you I’ve been caught in a divide. I want it all, you, them, a home, I wanna make our home, our life, a place where we can grow together—you, me, and Hunter—as one. Family, Becca, isn’t that what you want?”

  She turned her face away as a tear escaped her lashes. “I can’t.”

  “Why? I’m not asking for more than you can give, just a chance for the three of us to be whole. Give me every challenge and I’ll conquer them.”

  “You’re not considering the life we already have. Hunter’s school—”

  He stood and went to his bag. Returning to her with a sheaf of papers he said, “Sammy got this information for me.”

  “Sammy?” Everything was moving way too fast.

  “Yeah, remember I told you she works for the school. It’s information on the programs. There’s a music enrichment program and a young engineers’ club. Colin’s working on a grant that would get the school a better resource room and he wants you to help him when it gets approved so that it’s designed with every beneficial detail you can imagine. I’ve already given an estimate to do the work as an independent contractor. Our family’s donating the lumber and Mallory’s writing the grant proposal. Hunter would be in a smaller setting, but that may benefit him.”

  Scooting into a seated position, she took the papers with a trembling hand. She hadn’t expected him to consider her circumstances so thoroughly. “You looked into all this?”

  “Of course. I want you, but I want Hunter too. I want the whole package.”

  He painted quite the perfect picture. If only life were that easy. Shutting her eyes, she lowered the papers. “But my job…”

  “You work to support you and Hunter, but if you didn’t work you wouldn’t have to pay after care. We’d have my income too.”

  “Braydon, I work because I need to. My mind needs those hours to focus on something that’s solely mine.”

  He grinned. “I thought about that too. What if I told you that this spring there’s a position opening up at the lumberyard? It’s an office job, my dad’s assistant’s retiring and he needs someone smart and dedicated. You’d be right around the corner from the school and you’d only have to work until four each day.”

  “I don’t know anything about that field.”

  “You know how to read schematics. You know how to answer phones. You’d handle payroll and all the other stuff the crew doesn’t get involved in, like supplying equipment and ordering new materials. You’d also schedule shipments for the drivers. I know it’s not the most glamorous job, but the pay’s decent and you wouldn’t have to stay as late as you do at the office now. If you’re looking for something more intellectually challenging, there are other places to work, but at least you know you’d have options to start.”

  She laughed and sat back, flattered by his consideration yet somehow offended at the same time. “You’ve thought of everything.”

  “Not quite,” he admitted. “There’s the issue of Kevin.”

  This time when she laughed it was without humor. Kevin had been better since Thanksgiving. He seemed to be stepping up where Hunter was involved and actually honoring the custody schedule. Maybe he was finally coming to terms with their new family dynamic. However, changing their arrangement could destroy the slight progress she’d noticed.

  Was she really ready to make a decision like this? Moving away from Kevin was monumental. Yes, her marriage was over, but moving out of the city and in with Braydon seemed like an extreme and blunt ending to her previous life. Every day she moved toward closure, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready for that yet. Moving forward was supposed to be a process, and she was still processing.

  Her lashes lowered and she sighed. “I can’t make a decision like this in one night.”

  “I know. We have time. The house still needs some work.”

  She chuckled, attempting to hide some of her worry. “Who builds a house?”

  “Me.”

  “That’s a lot of pressure.”

  “That’s why I held off telling you. Take the house out of the equation, Becca. I want this. I want us to live together, but I don’t want it if it comes with regrets.”

  That’s what she was afraid of too. Regret was a horrible thing to live with. She’d only be able to do this if her mind was one hundred percent made up. She didn’t know how to rush certainty like that, especially when no situation came with guarantees. “You’d really leave your job?”

  “Leaving the area doesn’t necessarily mean leaving the company. Our firm does a lot of satellite work. Documents are emailed instead of shipped. I would only have to take a trip to the city once or twice a week and whenever we were trying to land a new client. A great deal of what I do can be done from home. Eventually, yes, I’d like to branch off on my own, but that doesn’t have to be right away.”

  She sighed, her head was spinning. This was a lot. “I’ll think about it.”

  “Okay.” He leaned close and kissed her. “I love you, Becca. Take your time to consider everything I said. I know it’s scary, but that doesn’t make it impossible. It makes it exciting.”

  He seemed so enthusiastic, so certain. She didn’t possess that sort of confidence toward life anymore. Her life was routine. Wake up, address the day, fight the battles as they presented, and pray for sleep so she could do it all over again. What he was asking of her was so far beyond her scope of imagination.

  When Braydon fell asleep, she crept out of bed and wandered through the shadows of the house. Kevin still had crap cluttered in the corners, and boxes he refused to move. She stared through the window at her dark, empty yard, lacking a tree. It seemed the day that tree came down, so many illusions she’d been hiding behind fell. Maybe that was a good thing.

  Stepping into the kitchen, she made a slow rotation, taking inventory of her
home. Her kitchen table only had three of four matching chairs since the one broke several years ago. Her cabinets were dinged and scuffed. The tile behind the sink was cracked and her linoleum was peeling up by the stove.

  As she moved through the house she noted every adjustment that was incorporated for Hunter. She no longer kept pictures around, because when the frames were knocked over, the glass was a dangerous mess she didn’t always have the immediate time to clean up.

  As she walked through the hall she tried to read Hunter’s equations. It was a language she couldn’t decipher, but one he’d started to use more than any other—another sign of change.

  She found herself sitting at the piano bench, tapping a random key in the quiet house. Slowly, she dropped her head to the keys and started to cry.

  Every room held a memory of her and Kevin screaming at each other. She’d polished every inch of floor with her own tears over the years. But if she allowed her mind to go back a bit farther, there were happy times shared in that home between her and her ex.

  They’d painted the nursery together and planted rose bushes in the back. Those bushes were gone now, but at one time he had been devoted to the same dreams she once entertained. Giving up her home was the final farewell to all the hopes she’d failed to see through. It hurt, accepting that there would be no turning back, no second chances, and no do-overs.

  But beneath all the pain came a soft comfort that was warm and thrilling. Braydon. Braydon was risky, but exhilarating. He made her dare to dream again. The only thing stopping her was her aversion to the possibility of more broken dreams.

  Life would never change if she stayed where she was, but change came with risk. Staying was safe and the closest thing to a guarantee she’d ever get in this unpredictable world.

  As she wept, she contemplated her fears. If she were to get sick, who would care for her son? No matter how much exposure Braydon had to autism, she still wasn’t sure if he understood that autism was a lifelong journey. Deep down, she feared, like Kevin, Braydon might eventually reach his limit.