As Tears Go By

by Lydia Michaels

  “I want you to make love to me.”

  His body reacted to the soft way she gazed at him. They hadn’t been intimate in over a week and he missed her touch, missed feeling his skin against hers. But more, he missed the assurance that they were okay. “Here?”

  “Everywhere. I want you. Now.”

  Watching her blue eyes deepen to violet, he ran his fingers over her arms and up the back of her neck until they sifted through her hair. With one fast tug, he brought her mouth to his and kissed her passionately, possessively, loving the taste of her lips on his.

  When he pulled away they were both breathless. Looking into the hall, he asked, “What about Hunter?”

  “He’s out cold.”

  “But what if he wakes up?”

  “You’re right. We better go upstairs.”

  He kissed her again, his head swimming with need. Standing, he lifted her with him and shuffled them to the hall. Her hands caressed the heated skin under the collar of his shirt as she kissed his neck. His body was so hard it was difficult to walk. He took a detour in the hall, pressing her to the wall and grinding himself into her hot core.

  “Shit, we’re smearing Hunter’s work.”

  Pulling back from the wall where they’d smudged a bit of his formulas, Braydon pivoted and pushed her into the open coat closet. They laughed as he accidentally bumped her head on the shelf.

  “Sorry.”

  “Shut up,” she said as she pulled his lips back to hers.

  Her hips twisted against his, the friction an incredibly delicious torture. He reached under her shirt and cupped her breast. She moaned, pressing her chest into his palm.

  Glancing up, he noted the beam at the top of the closet. “Hold onto this.”

  She lifted her arms and gripped the bar. Braydon released her legs and yanked down her pants, past her bare feet, and tossed them aside. Looking back at the empty hall, still paranoid Hunter could wake up at any second, he quickly pulled the louver doors shut behind them.

  His hands coasted up her thighs and lifted her knees over his shoulders. Using his thumbs to spread her folds, he dove forward and licked her sex. Becca cried out and tightened her legs, her heels digging deliciously into his back. He held her ass in the cradle of his palms as he feasted on her.

  Sliding her feet back to the ground, he fed his fingers into her sex and pumped quickly. His mouth closed over her clit as she trembled in pleasure. When she came, her cries were only slightly muffled by the coats hanging to their left and right.

  “Did your pill kick in?” It was a touchy subject he didn’t want to get involved in right now, but if he had to stop and find a condom he’d probably die.

  “Last week. We’re good.”

  Best words he’d ever heard. “Turn around. Put your hands on the wall.”

  She giggled. “Yes, Officer McCullough.”

  He rose in the cramped space and shoved the coats out of his way. Something fell from the shelf, but he wasted no time seeing what it was. “I’m gonna fuck you, Becca. We’ll make love later, but right now I need to be inside of you and I need it hard.”

  “God, yes,” she breathed, shifting her feet to widen her stance.

  He shucked his pants to his knees and grabbed hold of her ass, sliding his fingers around her hips and jerking her back. Her sex was swollen just the way he liked it. He gripped his cock and lined it up with her entrance. Placing a kiss on her shoulder, he thrust forward and filled her to the hilt.

  She gasped and moaned as he withdrew only to pump his cock deep again and again. He fucked her against the wall until they were both slick with sweat and his knees had grown weak, but he couldn’t stop. He loved having her like this, raw and needy, with such intensity there was no stopping them.

  Suddenly her sex fluttered and clamped down on him, rhythmically pulsating with each thrust. She let out a stream of ludicrous words and gripped the overhead shelf as she came again, this time drawing his release with hers. His fingers clamped down on her breasts and squeezed as he held her to his front and filled her.

  Spasms tore through him with each jet of cum and soon he was shivering with exertion. She wilted against the wall and he gentled his touch, turning her and brushing the hair from her face in order to see her eyes. When he found those baby blues, she smiled, her face flush with a soft pink glow.

  “I love you, Becca.”

  Her hand cupped the side of his jaw and she kissed him softly. “I love you too, Braydon.”

  There was a long creak and then the overhead shelf collapsed on top of them, pummeling them with an avalanche of jackets, puzzles, and other random objects. Becca snorted and fell into a fit of laughter.

  “The value just dropped to one ninety-nine,” he teased and she laughed even harder, hugging him under the pile of crap they were buried in.

  * * * *

  Later that night when they finally made it to bed, Becca couldn’t sleep. She tossed and turned, trying her best not to disturb Braydon, but it was no use. “Braydon, are you awake?”

  He shifted to face her, sheet prints already creasing his cheeks. “Yeah.”

  “Why do you love me?”

  He chuckled. “Why do you love to ask the hard questions when I’m half-asleep?”

  She shrugged and tried for her cutest expression. Hopefully he wasn’t too upset she woke him. “It’s the only time I really get to think about life.”

  His hand tunneled out from under the blankets and cupped the back of her head, drawing her close for a quick peck. “That’s why I love you, Becca. You’re strong, and sweet, and one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met. You’re special.”

  She processed his words, letting them sink into her soul and fill her with warmth. “I used to loathe that word, special.”

  “But you don’t anymore?”

  Her mouth twisted to the side. “No. It’s actually a compliment.” She returned his kiss. “I think you’re special too.”

  “Thank you. When you grow up in a house of nine, it’s difficult to achieve special. Everyone’s treated the same, or at least that’s the goal, and it’s not always easy to find your own unique place in the mix.”

  “Is that why you left?”

  “I don’t know.” His eyes fixed on the ceiling for a moment. “I guess I left, at first, to go to college, but when I came home I couldn’t find my place in everything. My brother married my girlfriend, Luke was off doing his thing, Finn was busy learning the business, and Sheilagh had left for school. Even Kelly was married. I didn’t feel like I fit in the hole I left behind.”

  “Like a puzzle piece.”

  Turning to grin at her, he agreed, “Yeah, sort of like that.”

  “Do you think you’ll be happy if you live there again?”

  “It depends. If you’re with me, yes. I don’t think we’re meant to refill the empty spaces we leave behind. I think they’re like our fingerprints and we’re meant to leave trails of them in our wake, not keep touching back to where we’ve been.”

  “I haven’t left many fingerprints on the world,” she admitted. She’d forever be competing with the impression left by his family. She didn’t want to compete. She wanted him to be happy. Unfortunately, she doubted that would be possible this far from his home.

  “Sure you have. Not every world’s as big and fancy as the rest. But I think you’ve left a million imprints, and most of them are so gentle and so subtle it takes a special person to see them. I see them. So does Hunter.”

  That was it. She couldn’t fight it any longer. Twisting, so that she could see his eyes, she whispered, “I want us to live together. If that means following you, I’d move to McCullough Mountain with you.”

  His eyes widened with his smile and he sat up, rumpling all the blankets. “Are you serious?”

  She nodded, her heart fluttering faster than a hummingbird’s wing. She could do this. There wasn’t much holding her there, while all the McCulloughs seemed to be pulling him toward Center County. It was an ama
zing place. She’d even felt the pull when they visited, but mostly she was being drawn to this irresistible man. No one had ever tempted her to be so reckless.

  “It’s your home and you belong there. I get why you love it there. I love it too. It’s so different from your apartment here. Your apartment’s cold and lonely. I think that’s why you stay here so much.”

  “I stay here because I want to be with you.”

  “But you also want to be with them and you should be. If you left, I’d be devastated and I think Hunter—in his own way—would miss you too. If you really think this is for the best and that we can make this work, I’ll put in my notice and go with you. But I don’t want to sell the house until we’re absolutely sure.”

  “You’ll love it. I know you will. And I’m already sure. I can’t wait to show you what I’ve done.”

  She smiled, still a little too scared to entirely embrace the decision. It was surreal. “I’ll have to talk to Kevin.”

  “Do you want me to be there when you do?”

  “No. I think he’ll be more understanding if I speak to him alone.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Kevin pulled into the driveway and Becca shut her eyes, steadying her nerves. As the garage door rolled open, she smiled and stepped out to greet them. Flies with honey.

  “Hey, boys.”

  Kevin sent her a sidelong glance, his eyes constricted with suspicion. Okay, maybe she needed to tone it down. She could do this.

  As he walked to the door, she said, “I was hoping we could talk. Do you have a few minutes?”

  Hunter wandered inside and Kevin leaned against the van. “About what?”

  “How about we go inside? This is more of a sit down conversation.”

  “Sounds important.” He waved a hand, suggesting she lead the way.

  Briefly checking on Hunter who was already lounging on a beanbag chair, toy in hand, she led Kevin to the sofa. Kevin sat a cushion away from her and waited expectantly.

  Rubbing her moist palms over her knees, she met his stare. “I’m thinking about selling the house.”

  His head jerked in her direction. “Why?”

  “I’d like to move.”

  “Where?”

  She swallowed. “Center County.”

  His head rolled back and he settled into the couch a bit more. “With that guy, Brandon?”

  “Braydon.”

  “You barely know him, Rebecca.”

  “I know him enough to know I want this.”

  “What about Hunter?”

  “He’d come with me, of course.”

  He scoffed. “And what about what I want?”

  This was where things could get touchy. “Kevin, you and I both know what a trial Hunter is for you—”

  “And he’s easy for you?”

  “No, but I’ve always had a little more patience—”

  “Don’t give me that shit, Rebecca. This isn’t about what’s best for Hunter. This is about what you want.”

  “This is about what’s best for our family.”

  “A family that doesn’t include me.” The vulnerability that flashed in his eyes gave her pause.

  “You’ll always be a part of Hunter’s life—”

  “As what? Some guy he sees on holidays? How long do you think that will last, Rebecca? How long until he hates being with me, because I’m so removed from his ordinary routine? This is bullshit.”

  “Center County’s a wonderful place, Kevin. I wouldn’t be considering it if I didn’t think the environment would benefit him.”

  “Considering it? Sounds to me like your mind’s made up.”

  It was, but she needed his consent in order to follow through with her plans. “Maybe if you saw him there you’d understand.”

  He laughed coldly. “Oh, yeah, I’ll just call up my pal Brandon and set up a date.”

  “Braydon.”

  “Whatever. Don’t I get a say in who you expose my son to?”

  You didn’t give me a say in who you exposed our marriage to. She clamped her lips shut.

  “How would you feel if I told you I wanted full custody and planned to shack up with some broad you didn’t know?” He laughed. “You’d never go for that. The answer’s no, Rebecca. I’m sorry. My son’s staying in Pittsburgh where he belongs. It’s his home.”

  Cold dread knifed though her stomach. “You can’t tell me no.”

  “Really? Okay, how’s this? I think Hunter would flourish in a round the clock facility.”

  Her eyes blurred with immediate tears of fear. Blinking through her fuzzy vision, she cleared her throat and rasped, “How could you say that?”

  “Maybe I think that’s the best environment for him.”

  “You don’t believe that.” No matter how different Kevin’s parenting was from her, they’d discussed such arrangements at length. He was only making a point, but the empty threat still frightened her. “You’re just trying to keep him here without taking full responsibility.”

  He shrugged. “Why not? He’d only be a few miles away and I could see him whenever I want. You think it’s fair for me to drive three hours to see him. Why isn’t the same fair for you?”

  “Because I’m his mother and he’d be with me, not in some dormitory with strangers!”

  “He should be with both of us, God damn it. I’m his father.”

  “Lower your voice, please.”

  He stood and paced. “I would never put him in a facility, Rebecca. Certainly not when he has two capable caregivers fighting over him.” A bit of his agitation visibly faded. “I can’t, Becca. I can’t let you take him away. He’s mine too. Ours. This is our house. We chose it together, because it was a good place to have a family.”

  “Everything’s different now, Kevin. He can’t only be yours when it’s convenient.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “That’s the truth, Kevin.”

  “Because I can’t do it like you do! Is that what you want to hear? Fine. You’re a better parent than me. When we were a team…” He lowered himself to the couch and gripped her hands. “When it was the three of us it was so much easier.”

  Because she did all the work. “Kevin, we’re divorced. This is all part of it. You had to know I’d move on eventually.”

  “Move on, yes, but Rebecca, I’m not ready to watch you move away.” He glanced at the floor and quietly admitted. “I don’t want this. I don’t want my son and wife that far away.”

  He needed to stop thinking of her as his wife. “But I want this, Kevin. I’m in love with him.”

  He visibly winced. “What about us?”

  She frowned. “Us? Kevin, what exactly did you think you were signing when we filed the divorce papers? Our relationship is an extension of Hunter. That’s it. There is no us.”

  “What about us as a family? I never agreed to divorce my son.”

  “You were never married to fatherhood either.”

  His head lowered in defeat. “I screwed up, Rebecca.”

  “You screwed the neighbor, which is another reason I want to move.”

  “Everything was so messed up then. We were always fighting and Hunter wasn’t sleeping. It had been so long since we’d slept together—even in the same bed. I was weak and I’ve paid for my mistakes.”

  “You’ve paid the consequence of your choices, Kevin. I didn’t divorce you to punish you. I did it for my own self-respect. Our marriage ended because of your infidelities, not my need for revenge. But it was more than that. Be honest with yourself. Neither of us was happy.”

  “You’re still mad. I get that.”

  Actually, she wasn’t. She was happy and just wanted the guilt to go away so she could carry on with her life. “I’m not mad anymore.”

  “Then why are we fighting?”

  “We’re not. We’re discussing our future.”

  He took her hands again. “Then let’s talk about that and not some future with some guy meant to take you away from me. I’ve bee
n seeing a counselor. He’s helping me. I feel like I’m finally in a place to be the father Hunter deserves—the husband you deserve.”

  Standing, she pulled her fingers out of his grip. “Kevin, stop it. I’m not yours anymore. He didn’t take me away from you. You lost me the first day you looked at another woman. You lost me after too many days of looking through me.”

  “I never looked through you, Rebecca. You were always there. I hate myself for straying. I was so bitter. I don’t feel that way anymore. I’ve realized things since we’ve been apart.” He slowly walked to her and only stopped when they stood a few inches apart. “I still love you, Rebecca. I know you still love me. I want to fix this. I want to fix us, make us the way we should have been all along. I know I can be a better father than I’ve been. Please, I’m begging you, give us another chance”

  This wasn’t happening. Her hands trembled as she took a step back. “Kevin, this isn’t the discussion I wanted to have.”

  “I know, but could you just stop thinking about him for a second and consider us. I’m Hunter’s father. I’m the man that should be raising him, not some guy I don’t know that you just met. Me. This is my family—ours.” Her breath hitched as he grabbed her hand, spreading her fingers over his heart and pressing her palm to his chest. “I love you. I loved you first. I made a mistake and I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, but you have to give me a chance.”

  It was taking everything she had not to let the tears fall. Blinking hard, she withdrew her hand and said, “You cheated. We can’t be fixed, because you broke something irreplaceable when you broke our vows.”

  “But I love you. You may love him, but I know you still love me too. We have longevity where what you have with him is a gamble. He isn’t Hunter’s father. Don’t expect him to accept our son as his own. Don’t rush into something we’ll both regret. Let me have a fighting chance, Rebecca. Please.”

  Shaking her head, she whispered, “You’re scared. You don’t love me anymore—”

  “How could you say that? I’ll always love you, Rebecca. You’re my soul mate, my partner in this life. This isn’t how things are supposed to end. We aren’t finished yet. I know we’re not. What about…” He drew in a slow breath, his pleading gaze drilling into hers. “We were supposed to have more.”