by Paige Watson
“Actually, I think I’m going to pick a book out of the library and read.”
“Ok, well if you get bored, just come find us.”
“You know I will,” I said.
“Have you taken it off since I put it on your neck?” His fingers slid along the chain of my necklace, causing my heart to feel like it was about to tear through my chest.
“No, I don’t even notice I’m wearing it most of the time. It feels like I’ve always worn it.”
“That’s because you have.” He kissed me on the cheek before heading back to the table. Caroline and Noah were deep in conversation and they stopped talking as Conrad approached them. “We’ll be on the second floor. If you walk past the sitting area, a long hallway will lead to the recreational room,” he called over his shoulder. I watched as they headed downstairs and out of sight. A look around the empty kitchen told me I was alone. I wasn’t sure when Helen slipped out of the room, but if I had to guess, I would think it would have been when Conrad was touching my neck. I kept thinking I should feel guilty about displaying my and Conrad’s relationship for her to see, but I didn’t. I had lost a lot of people I cared about in the past few days and I wasn’t going to deny myself being with Conrad, even if I wasn’t the only woman who had feelings for him. I wiped off the black granite counter tops and the shiny lacquered surface of the dining table, before leaving to head to the library.
The color scheme of the entire apartment was fairly simple; white, black, purple, and red; fairly basic and modern colors to complement the furnishings. The library consisted of a wall that had to be at least sixty feet long. The black bookshelves ran from ceiling to floor, and there were no open spaces to allow for the addition of new books. My fingers skimmed along the bindings of the books as I read the various titles. Noah had everything from romance novels to textbooks on mechanical engineering. I guess when you never die you have endless time to study anything you wanted. I took a second to marvel at the knowledge he accumulated over the course of his life. I thought of Conrad, the same must have held true for him as well. On the first day I met him, it ticked me off he hadn’t taken any notes in class, but now that I thought about it, he probably wasn’t lying about not needing to. He had seen the Spanish Inquisition and who knows what else. As I walked past the shelves I noticed the books didn’t appear to be arranged in any particular order. Of Mice and Men was right beside a book on how to fold origami. I read over a hundred titles before I pulled out a book. I walked over to the white couch and curled up with a copy of Pride and Prejudice. It was one of my favorites and I just couldn’t pass up reading it again. I opened up to the first page and immediately found myself immersed in the world of Elizabeth Bennett.
“Call me crazy, but I never thought Elizabeth Bennett deserved Mr. Darcy.”
I looked up and saw Helen sitting across from me. She leaned back in the arm chair and crossed her legs. Her tall black stilettos almost seemed to be as deadly as the expression she was wearing. “Somehow, I don’t find myself shocked by this revelation.”
She shrugged her shoulders. “The story is too predictable. Not everyone winds up living a happy ending.” The tone of her voice was laced with malice. There was no use in playing nice with her. I knew any attempt I made to be civil was sure to go unnoticed.
“Everyone, or just you?” She pursed her lips together, staring me down. “Is there a specific reason you hate me or am I just really that unlikeable?”
“You know why I don’t like you, there’s no use playing games.”
“If there’s something I did to you in the past, then I am sorry for that. I don’t remember everything yet.”
“It’s not just in the past. It’s more like one long continuation. Besides, you know what I’m talking about.”
“Conrad?” I met her stare with one of my own. She could try to intimidate me all she wanted, but I wasn’t scared of her. I was the older woman with more experience, even if I couldn’t remember all of it. “I love him and he loves me too.”
“That’s the problem.”
“I’m not trying to be harsh, but he knows you have feelings for him. I mean, if he felt the same about you then he would be with you.”
“It’s not like you’d ever allow him to be with me, so it really doesn’t matter how he feels.”
“If he was in love with you and wanted to be with you; I wouldn’t stand in the way of his happiness. Believe me when I say I know what it’s like to be with someone you don’t love, and if he didn’t love me, I wouldn’t hold on to him.” I found myself wanting to reach out and make her understand the way that I felt about him, but a voice in my head reminded me that she knew all too well.
“As if I could ever compete with you,” the disgust in her voice seemed to roll off in waves.
“What are you talking about?”
“You, are the female primum. You are the original woman. What man wouldn’t be in awe of you? Your beauty, your demeanor, it fills the hearts of men with kindness and desire. Even the Head of the Concilium respects the power of your presence, and he is not easily impressed with anyone.”
“Conrad loves me for who I am. You act as if I have cast some spell over him.”
“You said you wouldn’t stand in the way of his happiness, but what about his safety?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re getting at,” I said, feeling confused.
“Oh, I think you do,” she said, leaning forward. A slight smile unfurled from the corners of her mouth.
“Every day Conrad is with you, it puts him at risk. I’m sure you’re aware of how much Aden hates him. You have to know that he will do everything within his power to kill Conrad and take you for himself.”
“I am aware, but I’m not just some piece of property he can reclaim as it pleases him. Conrad is one of my secundae and he chooses to stay with me and join the fight against Aden.”
“And how do you think that fight will end? Do you think it will end with you and Conrad standing triumphantly over Aden?”
“I—”
She cut me off before I could finish speaking. “If you think this fight will end without anyone dying or any pain; you’re sadly mistaken.”
“I’m not stupid. I know better than anyone what Aden is capable of, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try to stand against him. He has to be stopped.”
“I agree, but I think Conrad shouldn’t have to stand beside you.”
“I’m not forcing him to. He wants to.”
“He wants to, or is it that he wants to, because you want him to?”
I had to think through her comment for a minute before I was able to fully understand it. “He wants to,” I said uncertainly.
“Are you sure?” I stared at her, wishing she would stop talking, wishing she would leave me alone and allow me to return to the world written in the pages of my book. What I wanted was never going to happen. When it became clear I wasn’t going to answer her question she continued speaking. “You know you aren’t the only person that lost him in Spain.”
I raised my head, returning my focus to her face. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the fact that you’re the reason he was killed,” her eyes pierced me like a sharp blade. “His mother, sister, and I nearly followed him to the grave after he was executed by Aden. Your actions cost Conrad his life, and it deprived us of someone we loved dearly.”
“I am so sorry for that.” I could feel the sting of fresh tears starting to form. “I shouldn’t have done what I did. I know it was my fault; I tried to get him to run away with me, but he wouldn’t.”
“He wouldn’t because of you,” her voice grew louder, practically shouting the last word. “You even had the audacity to cry to his mother and Cecily after it happened; you begged like a fool for their forgiveness.”
I could hear her voice echoing in my ears but I was miles away from the apartment in Chicago. I was somewhere else entirely. I was in Spain.
I
knocked into someone, pushing their back against the stone corridor. Kit and Marie trailed way behind me now as I ran through the castle. My feet were clumsy, tripping over my skirt as I tore through the hall. Tears soaked my face, causing my sight to turn blurry. I had to get to them before anyone else did. Before anyone else could tell them what happened. I wanted to die, to dissolve into the floor, joining the rest of the stones that had been encased in a final resting place. The thought of bringing the news of such pain was overwhelming. The hope that this life could be bearable was gone; it was decimated, along with the hope I could endure living this way. He was gone, stolen away forever to a place where I would not be allowed to join him. Lurking ahead of me was the familiar sight of their door. My hand stretched in front of me, jerking it open. I saw both of them jump as I ran inside the room and slammed the door shut. I sucked in a deep breath before trying to speak. The tears flooded my eyes with more force as Conrad’s mother approached me.
“Your Grace, what is it?” Her hands touched my arms gently, like a child might touch a wounded doe.
I grabbed hold of her hands, pressing my lips to them. “I’m so sorry.” Cecily threw herself at me, her arms clutching around my waist. Out of habit, I hugged her to my body. How could I tell her what happened? How I could I explain to sweet Cecily that she would never see her brother again?
Recognition dawned over Conrad’s mother. “Conrad? Where is Conrad?” The panic in her voice only increased the rate of my tears. I didn’t want to say the words. I couldn’t make myself say he was dead. “No, it can’t be.” She shook her head and pulled me up.
I stood in front of her and she grabbed Cecily, yanking her away from me. I reached out to her, but they were both out of my reach. “The king had him executed today.” I choked on the words as they came out of my mouth. “I tried to stop it; I begged for mercy,” I said, as the tears continued to fall from my face. I watched as Cecily crumbled to the floor. Her knees smacked against the hard stone beneath her. Conrad’s mother let out a cry of pain that stung my ears. It was the most painful sound I had ever heard. I tried to run for Cecily but she stood in my way. She was preventing me from going to her.
“This is because of you isn’t it?” Her finger pointed at me, forcing me to freeze. “Everyone knew there was something going on between the two of you. He was blinded by your title, your beauty and you led him to his death!”
“I loved him more than anyone else in my entire life.” I wiped at my tears, trying to make it easier to see but there was too many. “I pleaded with him to leave, to save himself, but he wouldn’t go.”
“None of this would have happened if he hadn’t met you. I wanted him to marry Helen, but the first time he ever set eyes on you I knew he wouldn’t. In an instant you changed him completely, and he would never have been content with her, because he wanted you. I never understood why he would long to be with someone he could never have.”
Her confession stunned me. “I was given to the king; I didn’t have a choice. If I’d been given a choice then I would have chosen your son. I loved him more than I can say.”
“Your proclamations of love won’t bring him back!” Her voice sounded around the room. “You stole him away from us.”
“Please, know that—”
My voice was drowned out by her cries. “You killed him!” I felt her hand collide against my face, sending me back into the door. “You are the reason he is dead.” My hand clutched my cheek as I looked back and forth between her and Cecily. I had done this. I was the cause of their pain, of their despair and it was more than I could bear.
“Please forgive me,” I whispered. I threw the door open and ran from their room as fast as my feet could carry me. I didn’t dare look back. The love they once felt for me was lost forever, along with the man I took from them.
“Did you hear anything I just said?” Helen’s voice was harsh. It took me a moment to realize I wasn’t in Spain anymore. Instead, I was in front of another woman who hated me just as much. Her eyes tore into me, demanding an answer. I wiped my face with my hands. I couldn’t meet her gaze. “Do you even feel any guilt over what you’ve done?”
“Of course I do. I know I’m the reason he was killed, and every day he was gone I wanted to die myself. I didn’t know he was going to be brought back. I thought I would have to live for an eternity, knowing it was my fault.”
“Then do the right thing now and release him. Give him a chance to live a life that doesn’t have you in it, allow him to find happiness away from you,” she said.
“You want me to give him permission to be with you?”
“I want you to give him permission to leave you, to no longer be one of your secundae.”
I looked away from her. “I don’t think I can.” I felt sick to my stomach. The thought of losing him was something I couldn’t handle. I felt as if I’d just found him again, and I didn’t want to let go.
“Can’t you see what your love does to people?” Her voice rang out around the room. “It destroyed Aden and it will destroy Conrad too,” she yelled. “You know what I’m saying is the truth.”
Her words cut into me like a knife. I could see his mother’s face when I closed my eyes. The look of overwhelming grief mixed with the fresh sting of betrayal. I had betrayed her, Cecily, and Conrad. Helen was right; I didn’t deserve him. I had to get away from her; I couldn’t let her see me fall apart. I took off for the stairs, taking them two at a time. A few seconds later I burst through the door to my room. Helen didn’t follow me or try to stop me, but I didn’t really expect her to. I flung myself on the high sleigh bed. I grabbed onto a pillow and clutched it to my chest. As much as I wanted to hold onto him, it would be better for him to be without me. I couldn’t erase the look his mother gave me from my mind. She knew what I was capable of. She didn’t want me to be with her son in the first place, and she was right to hate me when I caused him to be taken from her. Perhaps I ought to be with Aden. Conrad would always deserve better than what I could offer. If Aden was able to get the true powers of a consiliarius then he could prevent Conrad from ever being reborn. I could imagine and accept a life without Conrad if I knew he was somewhere safe but I couldn’t stand the thought of living forever, knowing he would never
come back. I could hear the door to my room creak as it was slowly opened. I had just a few seconds to compose myself and wipe the tears from my eyes before Conrad walked in. He seemed to know something was wrong as soon as he came into the room. I sat up and hung my feet over the side of the bed, making room for him.
“What happened?” He stood in front of me and rested his hands on top of my legs.
“I’m fine,” I said, trying to force a smile.
“Evey, you aren’t fine. Tell me what happened.”
I turned my head upward. My smoke gray eyes met his dazzling blue ones. “Were you supposed to marry Helen before we met?”
“Who said that? Wait, did Helen tell you that?”
“Did I break the two of you up or something?” My voice was so low I was sure he strained to hear my question. Part of me hoped he hadn’t heard it because I wasn’t really sure if I could take hearing the answer.
He let out a deep sigh. “Our fathers had worked out an arranged marriage for us. We had grown up together but I never loved her.”
“Well, she certainly has feelings for you,” I said, brushing a tear away.
“I know and I don’t feel that way about her.”
“Have you told her that?”
“I care about her, but not in the same way she does for me.”
“When I was talking to Helen I had another flash. I remembered telling your mother and Cecily you had been killed.” He tried to wrap me up in his arms but I held my palms against his chest, pushing him back. “Did you know your mother wanted you to marry her? She didn’t want you to be with me because she knew I would hurt you.”
“What are you talking about? My mother loved you,” he replied.
“No, she d
idn’t. She blamed me for your death and Cecily did too. It was my fault Aden killed you.” His body felt warm beneath my hands. It was so hard to keep myself from falling into him, but I had to be strong. I couldn’t fail him again. “And she was right to say that, it was my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I’ve told you so many times you couldn’t control Aden or predict what he was going to do.”
“If you had married her you never would’ve gotten killed. You could have grown old and had children and lived a peaceful life.”
“I didn’t want any of that with her,” he said, backing away from me. “I wanted you. When I met you, I knew I never wanted to be with anyone else. I would have rather had the dream of being with you than the actuality of being with someone else.”
“But being with someone else would keep you safe,” I pleaded.
“I am one of your secundae. It’s my job to keep you safe, it’s why I was reborn.”
“Maybe I don’t want you to be one of my secundae,” I yelled. Tears dripped down my cheeks, carving pathways to my chin.
“Is that what you want?”
“What I want is for you to be safe. Do you think if he wins he’ll ever let you be reborn?” I stared at him, waiting for an answer. “Do you think he would ever let me go? He would keep me alive forever, just to prevent me from being able to return to you.” I walked to him, erasing the distance between us.
“Evey…” he said, as he grabbed my hands.
“I don’t want you to be one of my secundae.” I pulled my hands out of his grasp. “I release you from my service.” My voice was unwavering as I uttered the words with an air of finality.
“You don’t know what you’re saying. You can’t be without any secundae.”
“I want you to leave and take Helen with you. The two of you deserve a chance at the life I stole from you.”
“Why do I have to keep telling you I don’t want to be with her? I want you,” he said, raising his voice.
I stepped to him and placed my fingers over his lips. His eyes met mine with a wounded look that instantly made my heart ache. “But I don’t want you.” The words felt like poison as they escaped my mouth. It was a lie. I wanted him more than anything else in my entire life, but I couldn’t let my selfishness be his downfall again. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I destroyed him, like I did Aden. I could handle anything else, but not that.