by Paige Watson
My fingers slid over his chin and down to his chest. “I don’t believe you.”
“It’s like you said before, you were a guard and I was a queen. In what world should we be allowed to be together? I am the female primum and I belong to Aden. If I can’t be with him then I should be alone. He and I are part of a pair. God made me for him, not you.” He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. The eyes that once held a piercing stare now looked empty. The expression on his face was haunting and it chilled me to the bone. I had to make him leave before I lost my composure. He wouldn’t believe anything I said if he saw me collapse to the floor in tears. I withdrew my hand and stepped around him, making my way to the door. “I don’t wish to speak with you anymore and must ask you to leave,” I said, as I opened the door for him. He walked to the doorway, pausing before he stepped into the hall. I turned my head away from his gaze, unable to meet it. When he was out of the room, I closed the door behind him and ran to the bathroom. I turned the water on in the tub and watched
as it filled to the rim. I stripped off my dress and sat down in the water. I felt numb despite the steam rising from the bath. I curled my knees up to my chest and cried. I tried to be quie,t but the tears came so forcefully my body started to shake.
I wasn’t sure how long I had been in the bathroom, but the once steaming water now felt like ice. My fingertips were wrinkled and soggy. I pushed the handle to the hot water down and waited as it warmed the tub. Maybe I could just stay in here forever and never have to face anyone ever again, but even as I had the thought I knew that it would never be feasible.
“Evey?” Caroline’s head poked through the door that led to her room. Seeing the state I was in, she flung the door open and came to sit beside me. “What happened?
“I tol-told Conrad I didn’t want him,” I answered in between sobs.
“Why would you do that?” She looked confused, as if I was speaking another language. “What did that bitch say to you?”
“Helen was right. I destroyed Aden and I’ll do the same to Conrad.”
“Conrad loves you more than anything in this world. He would gladly risk his life to protect you.”
“I don’t want him to risk his life,” I yelled. “He’s sacrificed too much for me already and I can’t be the reason he dies again. I won’t allow it.”
“So you would make both of you live without one another just to keep him safe?”
“Better that than what Aden would do to him. Aden would prevent him from ever being reborn. I would never get to see Conrad again and I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.”
“But Evey, living without one another is worse than death for both of you.”
“You didn’t see what I saw! You didn’t have to watch him die. You didn’t see how his mother looked at me when I told her that her son was dead.”
“What did you see?”
“Did you know he was engaged to Helen before he met me? His mother told me that all changed when we met.” She handed me a tissue and I blotted the fresh tears running down my face. “She knew I would hurt him, and she hated me for pulling him away from Helen.”
“But he loved you, he couldn’t help that.”
“I shouldn’t have been with him. He would have led a peaceful life if he hadn’t fallen for me.” I could see her studying my features from the corner of my eye. “He’s already paid the ultimate sacrifice for me and I can’t bear the thought of him having to do it again. I won’t allow myself to be greedy and keep him in my life, because I know I don’t deserve him.”
“You are a wonderful person. Of course you deserve him. How can you think you don’t?”
“What have I ever sacrificed for him?” I stared at her, waiting for an answer she never gave. “For once, I’m doing the right thing. By giving him up, I’m making him safe.”
“And what if he wants to be with you more than he wants to be safe?”
“It doesn’t matter. I told him to move on with his life and to find happiness. I won’t be responsible for causing him any more pain.”
“I think what you don’t realize is that you are his happiness.” She grabbed a towel off the rack and wrapped it around my shoulders. “Come on, let’s get you dried off.”
I felt like a helpless child as she brushed my hair and dried it. The loose strands of radiant auburn flew through the air as she passed the hair dryer over them. I stared at my reflection in the mirror but I didn’t look like myself; I looked like a zombie. I looked as empty as Conrad had right before he walked out of the room. I fixed my makeup where blotches of mascara had smeared my cheeks with black. I had to seem put together in front of him; he couldn’t know how bad I was suffering. I at least needed to give the illusion I was ok with my decision. Once I’d fixed my hair and makeup, I put my dress back on. Caroline waited on my bed while I got ready.
“You want me to walk downstairs with you to dinner?” I turned so she could zip up the back of my dress.
“If you don’t mind.”
“Not at all.”
“I have to be the neediest friend on the face of this earth,” I said.
“You’ve been through a lot in the past few days. You really shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Besides, you’d do the same for me.”
“You have a lot of faith in me.”
“Evey, you sell yourself short. You would do anything to help the people you care about.”
I walked back to the mirror in the bathroom and smoothed out the skirt of my dress. After all my efforts, you couldn’t even tell I spent most of the afternoon crying. “Mission accomplished,” I couldn’t help but think to myself. I grabbed a white cardigan from my bag and slid my arms through the sleeves before walking to the stairs with Caroline.
As we walked down the stairs I kept glancing over at her just to make sure she was still at my side. I knew I wouldn’t be able to face Conrad alone, not after everything I said to him. Although, after some of the things I said, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never wanted to talk to me again. We stopped off at the kitchen but no one was seated at the table, so we continued down the stairs, to the bottom floor. Noah and Milton were seated in the white chairs and we made our way to the couch. Noah’s eyes were on Caroline the instant that she walked into the room.
“I hope we weren’t interrupting anything,” Caroline said as she perched herself across from Noah.
“Not at all,” he said smiling. “I was just telling Milton how well you fight with an axe, especially since you’ve had no formal training.” Her face instantly turned scarlet.
“I wouldn’t say I fight all that well” she said, not meeting his eyes.
“If Noah thinks you’re a good fighter, then it must be true.” Milton’s voice was low and rumbling. I was so startled he had spoken that I stared at him in surprise. “If you want to spar some with me later I would be glad to. I find it helps to fight against a variety of people, since everyone has their own style and way of moving. It’s good to expose yourself to a little bit of everything.”
“Yeah, I would like that,” she said, smiling at him. Milton returned her smile with a nod.
“How long have you been one of Noah’s secundae?” I asked turning to face him.
“Around 400 years, give or take a few. I used to be one of Thea’s secundae, but I was reassigned after she—passed.” I could see the pain swimming behind his toffee colored eyes.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I replied. “That must have been hard on you.” I felt bad for bringing it up, even though it happened a long time ago; it still had to be difficult on him. Maybe that’s why he didn’t talk a lot. I may not know much about secundae, but I do know they have a fierce loyalty to the people they have been brought back to protect. Conrad was made into a secundae because he loved me more than anything and would die a million times over to keep me safe. I found myself wondering if that was the case for Milton and Thea.
“It wasn’t your fault,” he answered.
Even though I could
tell he meant what he said; I still knewthat part of the reason she died was my fault. A lot of things were my fault, and the more I learned about the past, the longer the list seemed to get.
“Since Thea was a consiliarius couldn’t she just be reborn? I mean, wouldn’t the Concilium have the power to bring her back?” Caroline looked between Noah and Milton as she waited for a reply.
Noah leaned back in his chair and rested his left leg on the opposite knee. “They couldn’t bring her back, because her heart was cut out and Aden consumed it. Part of our power lies in our hearts. In the Bible, it says love is God’s greatest gift. Well, it’s with our love for God and our love for mankind that we are able to bring back the primums and secundae.”
“I guess I can understand that,” she answered.
“Our powers aren’t really so much physical powers, they’re more spiritual than anything.”
“And how do you bring people back?”
“I actually can’t tell you that; the Concilium is entitled to a few secrets.”
“I would expect it to be like that,” she said. “After all, what you do is very important.”
“Is there anything Caroline or I can do to help with dinner?”
Noah tore his eyes from Caroline to look at me. “Oh no, everything is ready, it just needs to be taken out of the oven in a little while. We have a cook that comes to fix breakfast and dinner for us every day. It’s nice, because no one in the house is much of a cook. Every now and then Helen makes an attempt at cooking, but Milton and I are always sure to eat before we sit down to any dinner she’s made,” he said grinning.
“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” I said.
“I found an eggshell in a plate of spaghetti one time and haven’t tried anything since.” He made a scared face and we all started laughing. “I mean, you don’t even need eggs to make spaghetti is the weird thing. God only knows what else ended up in that sauce.”
“Are you talking about my cooking?” I could hear Helen’s voice coming from somewhere behind me. I watched as a look of confusion quickly appeared Noah’s face before disappearing. I turned around to see what he had been looking at. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach as soon as I set my eyes on them. Helen was standing beside Conrad, holding his hand. I know I told him to move on and find happiness; I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon. Helen had changed from her worn down jeans to a pair of denim shorts and still had on her see-through white tank top. I couldn’t understand the purpose of putting on a shirt if you could still see the bra underneath it, although I’m sure that was exactly what she intended. I looked at Conrad, but he was looking away from everyone. His attention was fixed on the row of bookshelves on the opposite side of the room. I looked at Helen and she smiled at me. I fought the urge to jump over the back of the couch and rip her throat out. I needed to retain my composure.
“Well, your cooking is terrible,” Noah said.
“Oh, it’s not that bad!” She laughed and wrapped her free hand around Conrad’s arm.
“Well I think I’m going to check on dinner,” I said, standing up from the couch. “Excuse me.”
“I’ll come help you.” Caroline and I walked up the stairs, to the kitchen, and I let out a deep breath as soon as we were out of earshot of everyone downstairs. I opened the oven and checked on the cooking lasagna. The sauce bubbled up, releasing the aroma of cheese and tomatoes into the air. It would be ready in a few minutes. Caroline threw a loaf of garlic bread in the oven while I pulled the pre-made salad out of the refrigerator.
“Grab some plates and I’ll help you set the table, ok?”
“Sure thing,” Caroline replied. “Are you alright?”
“Me? Oh, I’m fine.” I tried my best to smile but I was sure she could see my bottom lip quivering.
“You want me to punch her in the face?”
I chuckled softly. “As happy as that would make me, I’m going to have to say no.”
“I could play it off like an accident.”
“You mean your hand just happened to be flying through the air and accidentally made contact with her face?”
“It’s been known to happen,” she shrugged.
“I appreciate your offer, but I think I’ll have to pass.”
“Well, if you change your mind, just let me know,” she smiled.
“Thanks,” I said, returning her smile.
Caroline set six plates on the table, two on each side and one at each end. I followed behind her, adding napkins and silverware to each plate. She checked on the lasagna again while I took to searching through the cabinets.
“What are you looking for?”
“The only thing that ever cheers me up.”
“Twinkies? Are we having a Twinkie binge-eating party tonight?”
“Oh yeah,” I replied, hearing the pitifulness in my voice. She started to help me look through the cabinets and pantry on the other side of the dish washer.
“Jackpot!” She held out the box of Twinkies and I immediately pulled one out and shoved it in my mouth. “Feel better?”
“Ah liddle,” I answered with a full mouth. I swallowed and handed her back the box. “I think Noah likes you.”
As soon as I said his name she started to blush. “He does not.”
“Yes he does! He stares at you all the time.”
“Really?”
“Really. I think you should ask him to watch a movie with you or something after dinner.”
“I just might have to do that.” The timer for the lasagna went off and I pulled the hot dish from the oven. Caroline set the bread on the table while I set down the lasagna. She added the salad and I went downstairs to call everyone to dinner.
“Dinner’s ready,” I called out. I turned to walk back up the stairs and sat in the chair to Caroline’s left. Noah took his seat at the end of the table by Caroline, and Milton sat at the end by me. To my dismay, Helen sat across from me with Conrad in front of Caroline. I ate in silence, barely hearing the conversations that were happening around me. I just wanted to eat and get as far away from this table as I could. Against my better judgment, I stole a look at Conrad. He seemed to be doing the same, because our eyes met for a second and I felt my heart flutter. However, our look was short lived. Helen asked him a question and drew his attention back to her. No one ever said taking the high road was easy, but if he was
safe then it would all be worth it. I finished eating before anyone else and excused myself from the table. I ran back to my room and locked the door behind me. I took my sweater off and went into the bathroom to pull my hair up. I loosely pinned the curls on top of my head, letting a few strands fall around my face. Then I walked around the room, examining all of the furnishings in it. The wood of the bed was carved with a floral motif that matched the frame of the Degas painting. Everything about the room was beautiful and it felt wrong to feel sad in such a lovely place. Not wanting to stay in my room by myself all night, I decided to brush my teeth and head downstairs to retrieve the book I started earlier. I hoped Jane Austen would be able to distract me from thinking about seeing Conrad and Helen together, but I had a feeling I wouldn’t be so fortunate.
When I reached the landing at the kitchen, I saw the room was empty. I continued quietly down the stairs and walked through the sitting room. My book was lying on top of the coffee table and I bent to retrieve it. I heard the sounds of a television coming from the hallway and I walked toward the noise. Everyone was sitting on couches in a small den. Noah and Caroline were sitting pretty close to one another on a small loveseat. I couldn’t help but smile; at least one of us should be happy. That smile faded quickly as I saw that Helen and Conrad were also sharing a couch. She was spread over the couch and her head rested in his lap. I closed my eyes and snuck past the doorway so I could continue down the hall. At the end of it was a sliding glass door that opened onto a balcony. I stepped through the door and turned to look at the lights of the city. I couldn’t help but feel alone. I lost my pa
rents, Mickey, Kit, and now Conrad. I stepped onto the railing and leaned over the side to get a better view. Street lamps illuminated the sidewalks below, lighting the way for pedestrians. The faint sounds of car horns and buses could be heard in the distance. Wind blew my loose strands of hair around my face and I hoped it would dry the tears I started to cry. I wished desperately I could talk to my mother. She always knew how to ease every sorrow, and kiss away any hurt. She loved me no matter how many vases I broke, carpets I stained, or windows I shattered when I tried to play catch with my dad. She would know exactly what to say right now to make me feel better, but she was somewhere beyond my reach and I didn’t know if I would ever see her again. I heard the door open behind me and I looked back to see Conrad walking onto the balcony. I wasn’t expecting anyone to come outside and I didn’t have enough time to make it look like I hadn’t been crying. He wasted no time in crossing the balcony to stand right in front of me. He was so close I could reach out and touch him. It felt too close, and I leaned back against the railing to create more distance between us.
“What’s wrong?” He looked over my face and I saw his hand move to touch me, but he drew it back.
“I was just thinking about my mom and dad.” My tears continued to flow, falling through the air like drops of rain. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tissue. Gently, he dabbed at my tears.
“You’ll see them again,” he whispered. “It may not be as soon as you’d like, but they aren’t lost to you.”
“I feel like everyone I’ve ever loved has been taken from me.”
“That’s not true,” he said, moving closer to me. I felt my heart begin to beat faster; I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me. “You still have Caroline and—”