by Paige Watson
“And?” I waited patiently for him to reply.
“And your mom may still be alive. We shouldn’t give up hope.”
“I was thinking of a funny story about my mom and me right before you came out here.” I looked down at my feet, unable to look at him.
I watched as he squeezed the damp tissue tightly in his hand. “Will you tell me about it?”
“When I was five or six we had bright white carpet in our living room and my mom would never let me drink or eat anything in there because she was afraid I would spill something and stain the carpet. Well, one day she went to talk to our neighbor while I was watching cartoons. While she was gone, I went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of punch and I took it to the living room to drink. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I did it anyway.” My fingers played with the hem of my dress as I talked. “As you can pretty much guess, I spilled the punch and it left a huge red stain on the carpet. I was so upset and panicked that I pulled the big rug in the living room over to cover up the stain. I hoped she’d never figure it out, but as soon as she got back she noticed the rug wasn’t in the right spot. She lifted up the corner and saw the huge red puddle on the carpet. She was so upset with me and I just burst out crying. I cried all through dinner that night and nothing seemed to cheer me up.” I paused to catch my breath before I finished telling my story. “Later that night, when we had all gone to bed, my dad came into my room and woke me up. He took me to the living room and said he wanted to show me something. I watched as he pushed a recliner over, revealing a large stain underneath it. He told me he’d spilled ketchup on the carpet, and tried to hide it from my mom too. Then he kissed me on the head and told me my mom wouldn’t stay mad forever. He even joked that she was probably glad she had matching stains instead of just one large one now.” I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered my dad that night. “I miss them so much.”
“I do too.” He leaned in closer to me. “If I could make all your pain go away, I would.”
“But you can’t,” I whispered.
“No, you won’t let me.” He lifted his hand to my cheek. I closed my eyes, anticipating his touch, but when nothing happened, I opened them. I needed him to touch me, to let me know everything was going to be ok, but he was already at the door, sliding it open. “Goodnight,” he said over his shoulder.
“Night.” With a heavy heart I watched him walk back down the hall.
I mustered up the last of my energy and followed him back inside. I ran past the room where everyone was watching T.V. and quickly made my way upstairs. After I shut the door behind me, I hung my dress up in the closet and pulled my gray nightgown on. The bed looked warm and inviting, so I nestled myself under the covers. The minutes faded into hours as I immersed myself in the romance of Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. The societal expectations these two characters faced were difficult for them to overcome, but I couldn’t help but feel that it paled in comparison to what stood between Conrad and I. It was like we were on opposite sides of a swirling river and there were no boats or rafts to carry me to him. The possibility of a future together was non-existent. I tried to think about something else, but it didn’t matter where my thoughts wandered because they would always turn back to him. I grabbed my phone and checked the time. It was ten minutes after two. I was three quarters of the way into my book but my eyes needed a break. I wondered where Caroline was. I figured that she would come and talk to me when she came up for bed, but maybe she was still watching T.V. I decided to go downstairs and find her. At the very least, I could always finish off the Twinkies.
I set off down the stairs and made my way to the bottom floor. I heard Caroline’s laugh coming from the T.V. room down the hallway. I stole a glance through the doorway and saw that she was sitting beside Noah. The two of them were alone, and Caroline’s feet were stretched across his lap.
“I still think you were disappointed when you first met me,” he teased.
“Oh, I was not!”
His laughter filled the room. “Yes you were.”
“Oh you’re right. I wanted the plump middle aged man, with the bald head, because that’s my type,” she said.
“I knew it.” He leaned to her and pressed his lips against her cheek.
“I hope you weren’t trying for my lips, because if you were, your aim is pretty shoddy,” she taunted.
I shook my head at Caroline. Subtle was a word that definitely wasn’t part of her vocabulary. I didn’t want to impose on them anymore, so I stepped back from the doorway and walked up to the kitchen. I looked through the fridge and cabinets, trying to find something to snack on. I grabbed the box of Twinkies and opened up one of the cakes. I sat on the counter with a glass of milk and savored the fact I could enjoy my snack in peace. Mom had always kept a box or two of the golden spongy treats just for me. She could always tell if I was having a bad day because there would be Twinkie wrappers strewn all around my room. It was one of my strange quirks. Some people liked mashed potatoes, or macaroni, but not me. My comfort food was Twinkies. I ate another one and finished off my milk before carrying the box up the stairs with me.
I heard voices as I stepped onto the landing and immediately recognized who they belonged to. Helen and Conrad were whispering in the hallway. It was too late for me to turn back, so I kept walking
forward. I hoped they would leave before I had to walk to my room, but they remained standing in front of his door. I noticed right away he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and she had on some kind of lingerie nightgown, although according to her taste in fashion, it could be a dress. It was made of red lace and she had tiny shorts that matched it.
Her arms were wrapped around his neck, making my body cringe. “I’ve wanted you like this for so long,” she whispered. All I could think was her arms didn’t belong there, mine did.
“I know,” he answered.
“Do you ever think about how things could’ve been different between us?”
“If they had, neither of us would be standing here right now.”
She raked her fingertips through his hair and his hands were at her waist, holding her body to his. I watched in horror as she stood on the tips of her toes to kiss him. I backed up to the wall, praying I would go unnoticed until the kiss was over. I held my breath for fear they would be able to hear me. Their kiss lasted a few minutes before he released her and leaned against the door frame.
“Goodnight,” she said, smiling at him.
“See you in the morning.” He watched as she walked down to her room and disappeared behind the door.
I pushed myself away from the wall and walked to my room. At the sound of my footsteps, he turned. His mouth fell open slightly as he watched me approach him.
“Well, looks like Helen got what she always wanted,” I said, with my voice full of contempt. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I scolded myself for being angry with him. The only reason he was trying things with Helen was because I told him to. I said so many things to hurt him because I hoped it would make me feel better. I wanted to believe that encouraging him to move on with his life would make me feel less guilty about the life I cost him, but it didn’t. Seeing him with someone else just made me feel worse.
“I—” The look of pain he wore tore at my insides.
“She looks happy is all I meant.” I clutched the box of Twinkies to my chest as I took a step to my door. “Happy looks good on her,” I added. I should have walked into the room and not said another word, but apparently I was a glutton for punishment because I remained where I was. We stood on either sides of the hall, staring at each other.
“Late night snack?” He asked, pointing to the box.
“Oh, yeah. I didn’t eat much at dinner and I was hungry.” I cast my eyes down to the floor. “Are you hungry?”
“Just a little.”
“I can make you a sandwich or something if you want.” I blurted out the words before I had a chance to think about what I was saying.
He studied
my face before answering. “I can fix it myself.”
I nodded my head as my hand reached for the handle of my door. “I hope you sleep well.”
“Same to you,” he said watching me.
As soon as I shut the door, I crumbled to my knees. My mind kept replaying the image of Conrad and Helen kissing. I felt nauseated as I thought of his hands resting on her waist. Why was she leaving his room wearing lingerie, and why didn’t he have a shirt on? There was only one thing they could be doing, and I pressed my hand over my mouth to prevent myself from getting sick. In comparison to what I had just witnessed, Aden’s council meeting seemed like Easter dinner. I came to the conclusion that anyone who prided themselves on taking the high road in life, and encouraged others to take it, was an asshole. From now on, I would be taking the low road every time. A knock at my door forced me to my feet, but the knock wasn’t coming from the door behind me, it was coming from the bathroom. My body relaxed when I realized it had to be Caroline knocking.
“Come in,” I said, throwing myself onto the bed.
She rushed inside my room, smiling from ear to ear. When she caught a look at the expression on my face she stopped. “What’s wrong?”
I pulled out another Twinkie and tore the wrapper open. “Oh, nothing much. I just watched Conrad and Helen making out in the hallway.” The despair in my voice was undeniable.
“What?!” Her voice was louder than I expected and it made me flinch. “I mean doesn’t she have any decency?”
“Well, in her defense, she didn’t know I was right there, but it gets worse. She was leaving his room in the tiniest nightgown I’ve ever seen and he was just wearing shorts.”
“That skank! Ok, that’s it. I’m punching her in the face,” she said, storming for the door.
“No Caroline! It’s ok. They’re just doing what I wanted. I told him to move on with his life, and I shouldn’t be angry with him for doing it.”
“Yeah, but isn’t there at least a three day grace period, though? I mean, it was a matter of hours.”
“I know. He said he never had feelings for her but maybe he did. I think it would be hard to be around someone for so long and care about them, but not have those feelings develop into something more.”
She had her arms folded across her chest; she looked ready for a fight. “Don’t make excuses for them; they don’t deserve it.” She came and sat next to me on the bed.
“No, if anyone here is undeserving, it’s me. Look at all the pain I’ve caused over the years. Look at all the sacrifices that’ve been made on my behalf. I don’t want any of that. I should be locked away so I
can’t hurt anyone else,” I said. I took a deep breath in and released it. “I’m tired of talking about my depressing life. Tell me about what happened with Noah.”
“How did you know?”
“I went downstairs to look for you and I heard a snippet of your conversation,” I said with a grin. “So, did his aim ever get any better?” I started laughing as her faced turned the same color as a fire hydrant.
“Actually, he’s a little old fashioned. He only kissed me on the cheek, but I think it’s cute.”
“I told you he liked you!” Despite everything, I smiled at her. Seeing her so happy gave me hope that I might be happy again too.
“I knew you were going to say that!” She grabbed the Twinkie from my hand and took a bite before returning it to me. “I really like him too. He’s so different from any guys our age. Well, my age,” she added with a laugh.
I joined in her laughter. “Don’t remind me. I’m basically as old as dirt.”
“At least you still look good,” she said. “Well, I’m going to get ready for bed and then I’ll come back in here.”
“You don’t have to stay with me,” I said, feeling guilty.
“I know, but I want to.”
“Thanks.” I waited on my bed while she changed. She returned a few minutes later with a comb and some hair ties.
“I’ll braid your hair and then you can wear it wavy tomorrow.”
“Ok.” I felt my body relax as she started to comb through my hair. I loved it when people played with my hair. It was like an instant recipe for sleep. I could feel her fingers working methodically as she plaited my hair into three braids. My eyes started to droop as she fastened the last elastic band in my hair. I rolled over to the far side of the bed and we buried ourselves under the covers. “Caroline?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for being such a good friend.”
“Ditto,” she replied. I rolled over to face the far wall. Within seconds, I was fast asleep. Unfortunately, my dreams were plagued with visions of Helen and Conrad. The look on her face after he kissed her haunted me. It was the same look I wore, when he returned to the castle after the hunting party came back without him. It was a look of sheer happiness. However, there was one thing that kept nagging me. He insisted he didn’t want to be with her; he said so several times in fact. Then why did he jump at the chance of being with her? Maybe the thing he wanted all along was my permission for him to do so. I rolled over and saw Caroline was fast asleep. I turned on my back for a while and stared at the ceiling. For the first time I noticed the ceiling wasn’t painted a plain white, as I had thought before. There was a
range of whites and creams. The colors were swirled together to create the soft edges of clouds. The deep tones of cream set off the bright gold of the walls, reminding me of a cathedral. All it needed was a couple cherubs flying through the mist and the ceiling could pose as heaven. The rolling beauty of the clouds tugged at my memory. A sky just like the one above me surfaced to the forefront of my mind. I could smell the grass swimming around me as I was transported to a rolling hillside.
I sat up on the hill, looking out at the river in front of me. The sun warmed me and I pulled the hem of my dress up to my ankles. The green material was much lighter than my winter dresses, but I was still roasting in the summer heat. I pulled the ribbon out of my hair, letting my curls fall around my face, and tied the end of my dress up around my waist. Now my skirt fell to my knees, making it much easier to move around in. I removed my shoes and ran my toes through the soft blades of grass. I could hear someone walking up to me. There was no mistaking the clinking sound of a sword sheathed in a belt. I prayed it would be him, making his way toward me, and as I turned around, I saw my prayers had been answered.
“You should really stop evading your guards, My Lady,” he said, standing in front of me. “It defeats the purpose of hiring us to protect you.” His skin was tan from years of working outside in the hot sun, and his rolled up sleeves revealed strong looking arms.
“Despite what you might think, I can take care of myself,” I said, turning to walk to the river. “And whoever said I hired you just to protect me?” I looked over my shoulder at him as I spoke and flashed him a smile before turning back to the river. The cool water called out to me. It beckoned for me to take a drink. He hesitated for a moment before eventually following my lead. I bent to my knees at the edge of the river and my hands plunged beneath the smooth surface. I cupped them together and took a drink of the icy liquid that accumulated in them. Conrad knelt beside me and watched as I took another sip. I noticed the beads of sweat trickling down his temples. I returned my hands to the water, but this time I brought them to his lips, offering a drink.
“Now it’s your turn,” I said, smiling at him. His fingers brushed my wrists as he drank the water from my hands.
“Thank you,” he said, as he wiped the water from his chin. “You aren’t anything like what I expected you to be.”
His comment threw me off guard and for a moment the only thing I could do was gaze into his bright blue eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I heard people in the village talk about you. They mentioned your kind disposition and soft heart, but I didn’t really believe any of it until I met you.”
“And now that you’ve met me?”
“You don’t disappoint,” he
said as he fell back into the grass.
“Well, I’m happy to live up to the gossip,” I said. I felt his eyes watching me as I walked over to a fallen tree. Layers of yellow moss still clung to its bark, the hot summer air drying out the spongy plant. The massive oak acted as a bridge that stretched out to the middle of the river. I jumped onto the trunk
and carefully started walking out to the center. I looked back to Conrad and saw he was sitting up straight. He looked as if he were on high alert. I held my arms out to the side for balance and continued on my path. As I walked, the tree narrowed gradually until the trunk was only a little wider than my feet. I wobbled slightly, causing Conrad to run to the base of the tree.
“Please don’t hurt yourself, My Lady,” he called out to me. From the way he spoke, I could tell I was making him nervous. I spun around quickly and tried to walk back to him, but as I turned, I lost my balance. The cool water chilled my body as I sunk beneath its surface. The weight of my dress held me down, forcing me to descend toward the bottom of the riverbed. I was only submerged for a few seconds before his hands thrust me back into the air. I coughed uncontrollably as he carried me to the edge of the river. We collapsed onto the grass, sucking the warm air into our lungs. He hovered above me as I rested on the grass. “Are you hurt?” His eyes scanned my body, looking for any signs that I might be injured.
“I’m not hurt anywhere,” I said, feeling out of breath. My fingers ran along the side of his face and down his neck. He took a strand of my hair in his hand and looped it around his finger. “And I have you to thank for that.” His damp shirt clung to his body and I could barely feel his skin beneath it as I rested my hands on his chest. Something about the sensation of his body next to mine felt so familiar, even though I hadn’t known him for very long. “Who was the girl you were talking to yesterday?” My fingertips trailed up and down the length of his neck and chest, almost acting of their own accord. As he realized I was still touching him, he froze. Not a single part of his body moved as he stared at me. I withdrew my hands from his chest and laid them at my sides.