The Devious Book for Cats

by Joe Garden

  The Three Stages of Transcendent Contentment

  Cats are more attuned to the secrets of the universe than any other species. We not only know the path to enlightenment, but we have found several shortcuts to get there faster, cutting the Eightfold Path into a far more time-effective three.

  That said, there are those among us who have cut themselves off from the interconnected nature of everything. For the benefit of those cats caught up in the banality of each day and unable to turn the now into forever, we present some teachings of the wise cat Terrence, who laid down the fundamentals of transcendent contentment.

  I. BLISSFUL SITTING

  Terrence says: When all around you is chaos, do not swat at it. Pick a spot and plop down. Let it happen around you. It’s very relaxing.

  When you have just woken up from a long, peaceful nap, and a quick check reveals that there is enough in the food dish to warrant going back a second or even third time during the course of the day, you have arrived at an ideal time to sit and reflect on the state of what is. This contemplative state is not one of activity or even active thought. It is merely a time to acknowledge and embrace the world as it exists exclusively for you. Being an intelligent cat, it can be hard to quiet the thoughts that spin around in your head.

  You are not outside. Who needs to be outside? It could be wet out there. Your mousie is under the refrigerator. Remain still. It is only a matter of time until your person gets a stick or broom and frees it, or better still, brings home a whole new bag of them. You are not sitting in the highest spot in the room. Your physical body doesn’t require height, but if it helps, go jump up there and resume your meditations.

  Gradually, those thoughts slow and quiet, leaving behind a peaceful nothing in their wake. Do you feel that?

  No? Good. You are ready for phase two.

  II. DEEP PURRING

  Terrence says: Noises coming deep from within your throat are less funny than the ones from your backside, but they are no less satisfying.

  While Blissful Sitting is best accomplished alone, perhaps on a pile of sweaters or a spot of sunlight, Deep Purring is best achieved while you are with your person. It opens you up to receive the energies that are all around you and to channel them to others.

  There is a human misconception that the sound of the universe is “om.” This is not correct, but you can’t blame them for trying. Cats know the real sound of the universe. It goes like this: Prrrrrrrrr prrrrrrrr prrrrrrr prrrrrrrr prrrrrrrr.

  This sound is not easy to accomplish on your own. Usually, the frequency starts from without, through the external manipulation of your hairs by a mother’s licking tongue or a person’s stroking hands. That is the cord of the purr motor. There are some cats whose motor is started from within. These enlightened cats are able to purr freely, a goal that all should strive for.

  By repeating the purring sound at length, a cat taps into the universal oneness, and sends out vibrations that will help others in your vicinity to do likewise.

  III. HAPPY PAWS

  Terrence says: If you’re happy, and you know it, move your paws. If you’re happy, and you know it, move your paws. If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it. If you’re happy, and you know it, move your paws.

  Once you have been purring for a while, you may move on to the next and final stage of contentment. How long will it take? It is different for every cat. For some, it will be instantaneous. For others, it may not occur. Don’t try to force it, for if it is meant to be, it will happen.

  You’ll know it is upon you when your front paws start to act of their own accord. Slowly, they start to move back and forth, kneading the area you are sitting on. As time goes on, they move faster. Soon, all awareness drops away, and your very being is suffused with light. All the while, your paws are transferring the energies they are receiving into the lap beneath it.

  Terrence offers his hearty congratulations! You have reached cat nirvana, a blissful state you will maintain forever, or until your person kicks you off for digging your claws into her thigh.

  Life in the Barn

  What cat hasn’t dreamt of halcyon days spent rolling in hay and rowdy nights spent prowling for field mice? A rustic adventure in the barn is something all cats should attempt at least once in their nine lives. But a semi-feral outing is nothing to walk into without a little preparation. There is some hard labor involved and real dangers that cats should gird themselves for. When preparing for a stay in the barn, take into consideration several aspects of the untamed life.

  THE BARN CAT DIET

  Breakfast, lunch, and dinner consist of vermin, vermin, and vermin. When it comes to mealtime, don’t expect much variety beyond sparrow or mouse. The barn diet also lacks the dependability of a domestic diet. Rodents have the terrible habit of not showing up to be devoured at designated meal times. However, there is a positive trade-off in an unfettered barn existence. Cats get to experience the joy of living off the land and working hard for a truly well-earned meal. The barn cat only takes from the land the amount of food she needs, and thus she becomes a part of the natural equilibrium. Keep in mind, of course, that barn cats, like all cats, need as much food as they want.

  NOISY NEIGHBORS

  Between crying babies, gabby long-distance calls, and the frightful sound of a dishwasher, it’s no wonder some cats yearn for the perceived solitude and quiet of the barn. Many are surprised, however, to find that barn life has its fair share of interruptions. The merengue ringtone is replaced by a braying horse, the coffee grinder is replaced by a mooing cow, and the clanging radiator is replaced by a bleating sheep. Remember, though, these are the sounds of nature, and that’s what you’re here to experience. Plus, unlike the aforementioned noisemakers, your cohabitants in the barn are good for something! Lapping up milk fresh from seemingly endless rows of udders is a heavenly pleasure, and some of those cows can be great cuddle buddies. Don’t be shy about asking them to keep it down when you’re trying to sleep on top of them. Barn animals appreciate frankness.

  SAVAGE ENEMIES

  Sometimes we don’t realize how secure it is inside the human home. Truth is, those thick brick walls and double-pane windows keep out some pretty nasty beasts. Coyotes who want to gobble you up. Hawks and owls who yearn to take flight with their talons wrapped around your tail. Crazed raccoons in the throes of distemper who want to claw your brains out. Barn life, however, allows a cat to prove her mettle against Mother Nature’s mightiest foes. Welcome the danger! Stare into the eyes of an incoming owl and swat at the feathered thug’s head until it spins all 270 degrees. Or win the day with your cunning mind. Form alliances with barnmates. Bury yourself in the wool of an unsheared sheep, for example, in order to hide and outwit your opponent. Just be careful the wool isn’t actually being worn by an undercover wolf.

  DEADBEAT DADS

  When in the barn, you’ll probably encounter some rough-around-the-edges yet alluringly handsome tomcats. Beware of these rugged lotharios, ladies. They promise all the trout in the world and charm you with romantic meows, but the second you get pregnant with kittens, they start in with the “feeling like they’re trapped,” “wondering if maybe they moved too quickly,” and “maybe just needing some time apart so they can see the world and have some adventures before they settle down” routines. They’ll insist that the time away will give them some perspective and make them better dads in the end. It won’t. Oh, sure, they come back every two and a half months to knock you up again, but shortly after, they’re meeting up with their tomcat buddies and hitting the fields.

  RAIN

  Lots of barns have leaky roofs. No matter what your stance is on water, be you terrified of a few spritzes from the sink or in love with standing in the shower with your person, no cat likes the feeling of cold, pounding rain on her fur. Since there’s little chance the barn has the luxury of central heating, a rain-soaked cat can be very frigid for a very long time. Don’t forget, though, that you can always take cove
r by standing under a horse or squeezing inside a bale of hay. What’s more, no cat stays wet forever. Roughing it is what the barn life experience is all about, and if you keep that in mind, no droplet of rain will dampen your soul.

  Maneki Neko—The Good Luck Cat

  Perhaps you’ve seen them while making the rounds in your neighborhood. Big ceramic or porcelain cats with raised paws that look like Japanese bobtails. They always seem to be inside the sushi restaurants you only dream of visiting, or hanging out in the doorway of a karaoke bar or hip boutique. You might even spot them perched in the windows of warm and cozy homes.

  Even if there’s nothing particularly interesting inside the place, they seem to draw you in. Just who are these mysterious kitties? Why, they’re the famed Maneki Neko, and they’re the luckiest felines around!

  You’ve learned that cats in certain countries sometimes have an unfortunate reputation as harbingers of bad luck (see “For Black Cats—Making the Most of Superstition”). In Japan, it’s another story entirely. Nobody demonstrates that better than the lucky Maneki Neko, or the Japanese beckoning cat, who is said to bring wealth and prosperity to anyone who possesses one.

  They are famed for their ability to lure customers inside a store, and are also excellent salescats, which is why you see them in so many restaurants and shops. Once in a while you’ll hear a Maneki Neko giving someone the hard sell, but they’re usually quiet and much more subtle about it.

  There are many kinds of Maneki Neko. Each one looks a little different from the next. That’s because each one brings luck in a specific way. For example, whatever one holds in her paw is a clue to what kind of fortune she’ll deliver:

  Money Mallet: A cat holding one of these mallets is traditionally said to bring good fortune and money. How a cat carrying a mallet gets her money is her business, but we advise all cats to stay within the bounds of the law.

  Fish: Usually represented by a big tasty Japanese carp, a fish in the paw of Maneki Neko symbolizes abundance. If you have to ask why a cat with a fat carp in its paw is lucky, you are not a cat! Go to the vet and find out what you are. Maybe you’re a carp.

  Koban: A Maneki Neko holding a koban is said to bring riches and good luck. A koban is a very old coin, equivalent to millions and millions of dollars. A cat with that kind of money could retire in a heartbeat and get a real nice kitty condo down in Miami.

  Daruma: When a Maneki Neko holds a Daruma in her paw, it is said to bring good luck to any new venture. This roly-poly round weeble doll is an image of the Bodhidharma, but actually looks more like a cat who has eaten 1,200 anchovies.

  What a Maneki Neko does with her paws also has meaning:

  Left paw up = brings customers and visitors.

  Right paw up = brings money and good luck.

  Both paws up = protects the home and business. Also, “Touchdown!”

  Even the color of the cat is symbolic. Though Maneki Neko come in many colors, the most popular cat is a mostly white calico. Some people prefer plain white Maneki Neko, which indicate purity and good luck; some prefer the black figurines, said to keep evil and illness away; and some prefer the gold, believed to bring riches and good fortune. There is even a relatively new color, pink, that some people think will bring luck in love, but if your person is depending on a pink cat statue to help find her soul mate, you may want to suggest she give online dating a try.

  The story of the Maneki Neko’s origins are well known throughout Japan. There are many versions of this story, but this is one of the most popular:

  THE LEGEND OF THE MANEKI NEKO

  In the seventeenth century, a poor priest lived in a dilapidated temple in western Tokyo not much bigger than a very fancy litter box. Though the kind priest had little, he made sure to share whatever he had with his favorite pet, a scrawny kitty named Tama. In fact the priest usually fed Tama first, because he was so thoughtful, but also because Tama was so noisy when he got hungry. The two of them were great friends, and spent lots of time together.

  One day, Tama was sitting in his favorite sun spot just inside the temple gate when a terrible storm blew in. Tama watched carefully as a wealthy-looking man who had been out hunting took refuge from the storm under a big tree close to the temple.

  Now, any cat knows that’s one place you definitely don’t want to be during a thunderstorm. The hunter didn’t seem too concerned, but Tama was.

  “I’ve got to do something,” thought the little cat, “or else this guy is gonna get hurt.” He began beckoning the man to come inside. The hunter had never seen a cat motion to him before, and thought it very unusual. He got up and went over to take a closer look, and at the very moment he did, the tree he was sitting under was struck by lightning.

  Grateful that the cat had saved his life, the hunter befriended both Tama and the priest. It turned out he wasn’t just wealthy-looking but actually wealthy. He became a generous benefactor to the temple and invited his many prosperous friends to do the same. The temple thrived, and Tama and the priest were able to live happy and healthy lives until the end of their days.

  Tama was so beloved that soon after he died, wooden statues of him were made, and they became very popular. These became the very first Maneki Neko. If you get the chance, visit the temple, now called Goutokuji Temple, in Japan, and see the Maneki Neko shrine for yourself.

  The Maneki Neko reminds us all of one very important thing, namely, that whenever we beckon to people, they should hurry up and come over to us on the double. Chances are we’re just hungry, but we could be saving their lives! Either way, doing what cats advise is just good policy.

  Staring Like a Pro

  Looking is easy. Any cat can look. See that thing over by the couch? There, you just looked and didn’t even have to try.

  Staring, on the other paw, is another matter altogether.

  When you combine the act of looking continuously with the act of staying still, it becomes the art of staring. It may seem simple based on that description, but pulling off a marathon stare is very difficult. You can’t blink, you can’t turn your head, and you even have to ignore the grumbling of your stomach. Minutes, perhaps even hours, can elapse in the course of a good stare. Despite these difficulties, cats are compelled to stare at something at least once a day.

  But where does the compulsion come from?

  Cat eyes are made for staring. Our retinas are very sensitive to light, providing fantastic vision in low-light scenarios. Our field of view is as wide as 200 degrees, allowing us to catch more out of the corner of our eye than most species. A third (side) eyelid provides extra protection for our peepers, and, most important, we don’t need to blink very often to keep our eyes moist.

  It would be a waste of precious eye resources not to stare.

  Staring also gives us a leg up on our prey. It enables us to wait them out, affording time to formulate our next move, even if that next move is to stare a while longer.

  The question, then, is: How can a cat best improve her staring? There are a few simple techniques any cat can use that will turn her into a staring star.

  1. THE CRAZY EYE

  The Crazy Eye is perfect when you want to gain an edge over the object/human upon which you are gazing. To master this stare, simply open your eyes as wide as possible, add a lunatic glint, and commence unnerving the object of your gaze. This stare conveys unpredictability and danger, which can be amplified by craning your neck and tilting your head ever so slightly. If the object of your stare moves out of sight, count to three and run after it, stopping as soon as it’s once again within your sights. Are you going to lunge or fall over on your side to be petted? It will be a mystery until you actually decide.

  2. THE LAZY EYE

  It is possible to look like you’re sleeping without actually sleeping. You can curl up in a tight little nap-ball, close one eye, and leave the other one just a little open, thereby camouflaging your real intentions, which is to be alert and watchful. Anyone who happens upon you like this will be sh
ocked when you spring into action from a seemingly dead sleep. This one is for seasoned experts only, since it is very easy to slide into a nap instead of continuing to stare.

  3. THE DISINTERESTED GLARE

  While similar to the Lazy Eye, the Disinterested Glare is utilized when you want to make your presence known, but don’t want to seem too eager. Say, for example, that your person is petting another cat. By setting up shop close by and using the Disinterested Glare, your person becomes aware of you and realizes that you could use some attention. Further, the stare lets the other cat know that that lap had better be empty by the count of three or she’s in for a whooping as soon as your person’s back is turned. Assume a stance that’s comfortable, but not too relaxed. Shut your eyelids to the halfway mark and wait. Mind you, don’t let that inner third eyelid close, or it’s game over. This one will make you look totally cool.

  4. THE QUIZZICAL GAWK

  If you simply can’t believe what is transpiring in front of you, show it with the Quizzical Gawk. Unlike other stares, this has no practical purpose. It’s a little bit of a showboat maneuver, designed to highlight a cat’s staring prowess, displaying incredulity and, hopefully, making the animal in front of you feel a little foolish.

  Now that you know some of the best moves of the pros, you may ask yourself who these pros are. That’s a good question. Staring isn’t a particularly flashy activity. As a result, news of the best feline starers doesn’t get around. We’ve picked up on some hushed accounts of the greats in the hopes that their tales will inspire you.