The Devious Book for Cats

by Joe Garden

  Mister Nutley of Albuquerque, New Mexico, is notorious for his ability to stare at sunning lizards until they move, at which time he gives chase. In fact, his abilities are so great that sometimes he stares at a vacant rock, only to have a lizard climb up on it moments later to engage in a staring contest. Mister Nutley always wins.

  Continually bothered by the clamor of teens hanging out in front of her house, Demonia Lucht of Madison, Wisconsin, decided to take matters into her own hands, or rather eyes. One day Demonia climbed onto the front windowsill to watch. When the surly teens arrived, they took their positions and smoked cigarettes. Upon noticing Demonia, they began making fun of her. Their derision did not deter her, and she returned to the same spot the next day. When the teens arrived, they were less cocky and started feeling self-conscious. This stare-down happened for three more days, until the teens became so unnerved that they moved to the parking lot of a nearby convenience store.

  Beans “Texas Eyes” Lafferty of Omaha, Nebraska, has been staring at a bug on the floor for two years now, taking breaks only to eat, use the litter box, and sleep for hours on end. At such times, her friend Sappy fills in for her. The bug is expected to move any time now, and when it does, Beans will be right there, ready to bat it around until she eats it.

  Maintaining Your Quality of Life If Declawed

  Your life can seem to change forever in a single day.

  One morning your person says it’s time to go on an “adventure.” After being scooped up, herded into a cat carrier, and zoomed out of the house, you end up in a funny-smelling but familiar room.

  Dogs howl and bark. Noises you haven’t heard cats make before fill the air. Feathers fly. The cat carrier is all there is between you and a snake that’s almost as creepy as his owner. It’s Thunderdome without Tina Turner, a completely incomprehensible arena of madness.

  All of a sudden the cat carrier thankfully goes up, up, and away! The ride ends with you in the arms of some other humans. There’s initially something fishy about them, but it goes away. You begin to relax after being showered with petting and other pleasantries—everything seems fine. This place is a dream compared to that other room.

  Then a sting in the leg causes you to stand up and look closer at the surroundings. You’ve seen that picture of an inside-out cat on the wall before. Gasp, that’s because you’ve been here before—this is where you were “fixed.” Your outrage quickly gives way to extreme sleepiness.

  When you wake up your claws are gone. Some adventure.

  Never fear. You’ve been declawed, but you can still maintain your quality of life and continue to enjoy many of the same favorite activities. Remember, you may be a clawless cat but you needn’t be a toothless tiger.

  WRECKING AN UPHOLSTERED CHAIR

  Dragging your claws on an upholstered chair was once your favorite thing to do. It always felt so good to stretch those front paws out while tearing back and forth at the upholstery, which tattered nicely. A nice perk was that it also resulted in your person buying a new chair.

  Now, no matter how many times that old chair gets moved to different spots around the living room, it’s still a beat-up old chair.

  Getting a new chair without having front claws is not as difficult as you might think. Start by lying down under the chair near an edge. Then use your rear claws to tear fabric away from the frame. You may not have paid much attention to them in the past, but those rear claws are more important than ever now.

  When a hole large enough for you to crawl into appears, do so and head for the backrest. The chair is probably cheaply constructed and hollow, so it should be easy to get there.

  Upon reaching the core of the backrest, start kicking with those rear claws again. Stop just before you break through. Then wait for your person to get home, sit down, and start to watch television.

  Now resume! Watch her jump out of that thing like the first time she watched Alien.

  You will have a new chair shortly. Use the same process when the couch becomes passé.

  CLIMBING THE DRAPES

  It’s still possible for a declawed kitty to experience the thrill of ascending Mt. Curtain, but the process requires some adjustment. Your loss of the fore claws means the place to start is now the top instead of the bottom. There must be a chair or some piece of furniture near the drapes. Use it as a launching pad and jump as high as you can to reach the summit.

  Once you’re up at the top, use those increasingly indispensable back claws to hold on while wrapping your front paws around the curtain. Descend by using your back legs like you’ve seen those repair guys do on the telephone pole outside.

  PLAYING ROUGH

  Your person might like to mix it up a bit sometimes. Typical roughhousing includes aggressively rubbing your belly, making goofy hand motions, and the dread bear hug. It’s a decided disadvantage not to have front claws in these contests. It’s all in good fun, but you still want to win. There are a couple of ways to ensure that always happens.

  One effective little trick is the pretend bite. Humans detest biting. Use this aversion to your advantage. Put her whole hand in your mouth if possible. It’s not even necessary to clamp down. She’ll recoil in fear and you’ll win with ease.

  Hissing has the same effect. Rear back, stand up on your haunches, and unleash a throaty hiss. She’ll know what time it is and scurry off to lick emotional wounds.

  SPLASHING THE WATER OUT OF YOUR BOWL

  Your person fills a dish with water, but instead of taking a drink you splash it out all over the floor. With a deep sigh, she refills the dish. Is there anything more satisfying?

  Well, luckily, one doesn’t need claws at all for this activity. Do it more often, and late at night. Your person will lie awake in bed listening to the sound of splashing water, and she’ll know that despite the loss of your claws, things really haven’t changed much. You’re still doing everything you want and, whether she likes it or not, living life on your own terms.

  What to Do When You’re Stuck Up a Tree

  So you’re stuck up a tree, and it appears you’ll be there for a while. Good thing you brought this book with you! Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to get down safely and keep busy when you do.

  STEP ONE: PANIC

  You’re stuck up a tree!

  STEP TWO: OBSERVE

  There’s no need to panic. Any cat who got herself up a tree can get herself down. Plus there’s a lot to do while you’re up there. For example, have you ever looked at the roof? Really looked at it? You may never get another chance, so now’s the time to take it all in—the majestic rooftops, the stunning suburban vistas, the hidden passages from one backyard to another you didn’t know existed, and which homes harbor stray-cat sympathizers who leave tender morsels of cat food out on the porch. These are all things you have the opportunity to check out when you’re up a tree, far from the hustle and bustle below.

  STEP THREE: DENY

  Once you’ve had a good look around and absorbed all this unique vantage point has to offer, you’ll want to begin the descent.

  Unfortunately, this is the time when most cats realize they don’t actually know how to get down. It’s tough to admit it, and many cats won’t. They’ll choose to stay in the tree a while longer—not because they’re stuck, but because they like it up there. They like it so much that some will even climb a little higher up just to prove it. We recommend you do, too. While you’re moving on up, casually investigate a bird’s nest, or grab a few leaves as souvenirs.

  Since you’re already this high up, you may as well go for the summit. Climb high enough and you may even pass another cat. Go ahead and ask him for directions if you want, but we don’t advise putting too much stock in the answer.

  STEP FOUR: FOCUS

  By now you’ve probably been up the tree for four to six hours. You’re tired. You’re hungry. Panic might be setting in again. Remain calm. You’ve been in tight spots before and gotten out. What about that time you got stuck behind the refriger
ator? You got out of there in no time. The important thing is to stay calm, focus your energies, and figure this thing out on your own. The important thing is to have a strategy.

  STEP FIVE: MEOW

  Meeeeeeeoooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Meowwwwww, meooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww, meoooooooooooowwww, meooooooowwwwwwwwwwww www!!!

  STEP SIX: RE-ORIENT! RE-INNOVATE!

  If you meowed loud enough, and you probably did, your person has come out to help get you down. She’s placed a tasty can of wet food on the ground and headed over to the neighbor’s house to get a ladder. It’s about time. It’s still going to take her a while to get up to you, so you might just want to relax and take in the view from a different branch. Or you can practice those asanas you learned in yoga.

  STEP SEVEN: CONFUSE

  Encourage your person as she approaches, but don’t let on that you need her help. That would make you appear weak, and you’ll regret that later when you two are arguing over a litter-box incident. For the best of both worlds, send a mixed message. Look at her with desperate, pleading eyes, but also back away. Hiss at her when she comes close, then meow again for her to come and get you. When she gets there, hiss and swat at her! When she retreats, meow plaintively.

  STEP EIGHT: TAKE CHARGE

  By now your person has probably decided she’s out of her league and has gone to call the neighbor. The neighbor has called her neighbor, who said this happened to a friend of hers once. They’ll talk for a while and together they’ll decide to call the fire department. This is also the point at which they will discover that the fire department doesn’t actually come rescue cats who are stuck up trees.

  A crowd of curious onlookers should be forming about now. If you live in a suburban neighborhood where very little happens, you may be surprised to see a hastily assembled lemonade stand run by the neighbor’s children, not to mention a hot dog vendor wending his way through the crowd, shouting. Various people will tell you to come down.

  They will also shout out suggestions. These will probably include getting a ladder, putting down a can of tuna, or calling the fire department.

  At this point, the bold cat realizes that to depend on humans for help is hopeless. She takes charge of the situation and tries to strike out on her own, either making another attempt at descent, or jumping out of the tree. The average cat, however, will freak out. See Step Five.

  STEP NINE: ACCEPT

  There’s really nothing more to do. Accept your lot with dignity and grace, meow your brains out, and hang in there until a professional or a very dedicated amateur comes to get you. It will happen. Then try not to claw your rescuer for dear life.

  STEP TEN: SUCCESS!

  Congrats! You’re rescued! Time to breathe a deep sigh of relief and forget this whole thing ever happened. Cuddle with your person and accept all pity treats. Make a vow to never, ever go up a tree again. Never ever!

  Unless, of course, you have a good reason.

  Toying with Allergy Sufferers

  Every once in a while, humans who don’t know they are actually toys come into your home. With a mere tickle of your fur, they change shape and color and make ridiculous sounds. These humans are called allergy sufferers and are really fun to play with. They look normal in appearance, but during the course of a visit transform into sniffling, wheezing, swollen, red-faced, teary-eyed, itchy wonderful playthings. Be careful, though. If you play with these big toy humans too much, your person will take them away by once again putting you in a room, alone, and closing the door. We don’t even want to mention all the terrible tales of kitties sent packing once their person has allowed a sniffle-brain to settle in permanently. So how can you have fun with an allergy sufferer and not get into trouble? It’s a delicate balance and you have to walk a fine line; but, luckily, you’re a cat. Walking fine lines is what you do best!

  Some Wheezy Wendys only drop by briefly for a dinner party, a football game, or a round of Wii Golf, but don’t let that deter you. Even in these limited time frames, they can provide a great deal of fun. Due to the brevity of their stay, they’ll be convinced they can handle your feline wiles. Oh, how wrong they are!

  The easiest way to determine if a visitor is an allergy sufferer is with a traditional circling of the ankles. This simple, friendly gesture causes them such immediate, hilarious panic that within seconds you’ll know if it’s time to play the mad Dr. Frankenkitty to their sneezy-headed Monster.

  Once you’ve identified an allergy sufferer, it’s time to play. If he is on the couch, hop up in his lap. It’s a good central hub within easy range of thousands of allergen receptors, which are this toy’s on buttons. Obviously the nose is a smart region to focus on if you’re looking to induce a lively sneeze, but don’t neglect some other fun areas. Bumping your head into his chest, for example, can turn his skin a robust shade of rouge, and licking his arms brings hours of itching!

  In order to maximize your amusement, look as cute as possible. This tactic will lure him into petting you against his better judgment. Petting is the key to unlocking your allergen powers. Soon, he’ll begin to show signs of a metamorphosis: a few tears, a sniffle, a leaky nose. At this point he may try to remove you. Maintain position. Start purring as if you’re experiencing the greatest petting ever. Your person and other, more feline-friendly, guests will begin to coo over how adorable you look and comment on how rare it is that you immediately cozy up to a stranger. If the runny-nosed toy were to remove you now, he’d seem cruel and incapable of love to any single members of the opposite sex in the room. All in all, he’ll conclude that a pretty severe sneezing and coughing fit is a price worth paying to maintain his social standing, which in turn allows the fun to continue.

  Some allergy sufferers go by other names, including “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” “spouse,” and “child,” and they tend to stick around for a long time. A plaything that never goes away seems like it could be great, but there’s always the worry that you could get bored with it. Luckily, these toys come with accessories that ratchet up the level of difficulty. The most common add-ons are called HEPA filters, Claritin, Benadryl, and Zyrtec. Sometimes they make allergy sufferers harder to transform into bloated, blotchy monsters, but that shouldn’t deter you. After having so many toys fail to hold your interest, finding a toy that presents a challenge is a welcome change.

  In time, toys that stick around for the long haul might actually stop working. They don’t race for a box of tissues like they used to, sneeze on command, or turn all splotchy after you’ve slept on their face all night. When that happens, don’t be afraid to begin anew with the human. Though it might seem strange at first, pretty soon you will feel comfortable treating him with the same indifference (or affection—your choice) as you treat your person.

  A NOTE ON HYPOALLERGENIC CATS

  You might someday encounter what humans call a “hypoallergenic cat.” Now, we would never criticize another cat, but let’s just say these felines don’t share your enthusiasm for inciting sneeze attacks. If you find yourself hanging out with one when an allergy sufferer is nearby, don’t be offended if instead of partying with you, she chooses to bat around the same old piece of string. Hypoallergenic cats can’t help it. It’s just the way they were made, specifically by Allerca Lifestyle Pets, in 2006. Just thank her politely for letting you have all the fun and let her be who she is.

  Keeping the Mystery in Your Relationship

  When you first choose a person, everything is so exciting. You’ve never felt this way about a human before. The first few months are spent feeling one another out and discovering what makes your relationship work, whether it’s where you can sharpen your claws, what’s the highest spot in the house that you can climb to, or how to get her to rub your cheeks without messing up your whiskers.

  After a while, though, things get routine. You find yourselves taking each other for granted. The excitement she once showed when you sniffed her breath while she watched television is now replaced with annoyance. Just because you
don’t need to be petted once an hour doesn’t mean you don’t want to be petted once an hour, but your person doesn’t seem to notice your wants anymore. It’s a sad fact of life, but it’s easy for your person to take you for granted.

  Yet you’re just as guilty of falling into a rut. You rub up against her the moment she walks in the door, eat the food she dishes out, and fall asleep on her feet when she goes to bed. It’s like you’re on autopilot. Your relationship needs a jump start, pronto. Stop going through the motions, and work to make a real change.

  EAT SOMETHING UNUSUAL

  When you really want your person to pay extra attention, scout around the house for items you would never ordinarily eat. The less like actual food these items are, the better.

  Make sure the item is nontoxic, non-pokey, and that you can pass it. Dust bunnies, rubber bands, and adhesive bandages are all good candidates for consumption. Take the item into the vicinity of your person, get her attention with some loud smacking noise, and watch her demonstrate her love and concern by trying to pry the inedible trinket out of your mouth. If it’s an earring or something else of value, expect the attention paid to increase tenfold.

  SNEAK ATTACKS

  Any military strategist can tell you that the best attack is one that utilizes the element of surprise. And what’s more surprising than an attack from a seemingly innocent kitty in one’s own home? One night, when your person comes home from work, surprise her with a quick jab at her feet. Then run for it. Since she’s wearing shoes, she won’t actually be hurt, but she’ll be wondering what she did wrong, until you show up an hour later to collect some affection.