After the Pain

by Gia Riley

  We don’t get to talk about anything else before I’m running to the bathroom to throw up again. My emotions are all over the place. My stomach is in knots and this damn migraine won’t go away. I’m probably dehydrated now too. I crawl away from the toilet when I’m certain there isn’t any chance of heaving another time. I use all my strength to lift myself up off the floor and brush my teeth again. Alex is walking in to check on me as I’m finishing up.

  He stares at me for a while and then helps me back to my bed. I lay down and it reminds me how much I miss having Sean next to me. He would feed me soup like last time while making me feel cherished.

  I can’t let myself imagine what it would be like to never feel his arms around me again. The thought is too much to handle. I refuse to even entertain the idea of him being done with me. While I’m busy thinking about all I’m missing from my life, Alex comes in from the kitchen with a snack.

  “Here, eat some crackers and drink this water.”

  “I’m not hungry.” The thought of food makes me want to throw up again. I pull the covers up under my chin seeking comfort from the protection they provide my worn out body.

  “Trust me, Hallie. It will help to have something in your stomach.”

  I appease him by eating a couple saltines, followed by downing half the water. I guess I was thirsty after all. “Good girl. Now close your eyes and get some sleep. I’ll stay here with you.”

  As soon as Alex thinks I’m asleep, I feel him scoot off the bed. I crack my eye open enough to see him messing around with his phone. He dials and stands out in the hallway to talk, but he’s talking in hushed whispers so I can only hear a few muffled words all of which lead me to believe he may have just called Sean. Leave it to my sweet Alex to try to put us back together again. Deciding to leave him to whatever he’s trying to do, I fall asleep for real this time.

  When I open my eyes the next time, it’s almost dark outside. Thank goodness Amie said she would cover my shift for me tonight. There was no way I could make it through twelve hours on my feet. I’m actually starving at the moment, but my stomach still feels upset. It’s a strange combination that’s unfamiliar to me. Alex sees me sit up and walks back into my room.

  “You okay, Hallie? I’m making some chicken corn soup and salad. Do you think you can try eating some for me?” He looks hopeful as he asks me. My stomach growls so loudly it answers his question all on its own. “I think I can manage that. I still don’t feel right but I could eat a house right now I’m so hungry.”

  “I thought you might be. I forgot one thing I need for the soup, but by the time I get back it should be done. You can start on the salad now. The dressing is on the table already.”

  I think nothing of it as I nod my head concentrating on which salad dressing I want. I scoop the salad mix into my bowl and devour the leaves like a starving rabbit. I’m so hungry the salad tastes like the best thing I’ve ever eaten. I’m still munching on it by the time Alex returns from the store. He just looks at me and smiles.

  “What? I didn’t eat all day.”

  “Nothing. Knock yourself out. I can make more.” I look into the salad bowl and realize I can see the bottom. There’s definitely not enough for Alex in there.

  I watch him mess with the soup some more, adding in a few spices before coming over to me and laying a bag on the table next to my salad.

  “You bought me something!”

  “Sure did.”

  I open the bag and almost fall off my chair. “What the fuck is this?” I toss the bag aside like it might bite me if I get too close.

  “That darlin is as good as gold right now.” Alex continues messing with the soup, slowly ladling some into two bowls. He tosses some crackers on top before setting mine in front of me. I’d like to say I’ve lost my appetite, but I could still eat a couple bowls of soup despite all the salad I woofed down. So, I continue to eat my dinner all while staring at the evil white bag sitting on the kitchen table.

  “You have to pee?” Alex asks.

  “Seriously? You want me to do it right now?”

  “Now’s as good a time as any. I kind of want to know if I’m going to be an uncle or not.”

  I’m so glad someone is having fun with this. I’m scared shitless. Not only could I be pregnant, I would possibly be a single mother. At least I have a good job to fall back on. I can’t get past the fact that the baby would have a father who can’t stand to be in the same room as it’s mother. There’s no way in hell I want to live the rest of my life with shared custody and split homes.

  Deciding I’m depressing the shit out of myself, I lay my head down on the table and grunt. How things got to this point I have no idea. I admit Sean and I have been having unprotected sex but my pills are supposed to be like ninety-nine percent accurate! Only I would fall into the one percent whoops category. Considering I’m failing at everything in my life right now, it’s oddly poetic.

  I can’t focus on my soup with the test mocking me from inside the bag, so it’s probably better to just find out one way or the other. Sitting here with my stomach in a gigantic knot for the next hour doesn’t seem like my best option. I reluctantly stand on my shaky legs and psych myself up for the possibility that I could be pregnant in this very moment. I really wish Sean was here with me right now. I’m half tempted to call him, but he probably wouldn’t answer my call anyway.

  My hands are now shaking along with the rest of my body as I pull back the flaps on the cardboard box. I’m a nurse and know how these tests work yet I still take a glance at the directions. Pee on the stick. How hard can it be? Turns out, it takes a little skill to pull off the task. Once I finish, I wash my hands and lay the test on the bathroom counter. Sitting down on the edge of the bathtub, I attempt to wait the few minutes required for the test to do its thing. I’m an impatient person, so I last about ten seconds before I start to stalk the stick.

  I hear Alex knock on the door, breaking my intense concentration. “You okay in there?” he asks.

  “Yeah, I think so. Be out in a minute.”

  The next glance at the testing stick has me frozen in place. The little window is showing two pink lines plain as day. While I would never view any child as a mistake or unwanted, I’m so unprepared for this moment; I sit down on the fluffy bathroom rug in a state of shock. I bury my face in my hands and shake my head back and forth. I’ve come back from a lot, but even I know this isn’t something I ever imagined doing on my own. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. There’s no white picket fence out front. There’s no wedding ring on my finger. There’s no Sean.

  Realizing I’m not coming out of the bathroom, I feel the door open next to me. Alex kneels down next to me, scoops me up, and carries me to the couch in the living room where I curl into a ball on his lap and continue to process my results. I feel more alone now than ever, desperately wanting to be able to tell Sean, but knowing he’s not in the right frame of mind to discuss our future child. I can’t exactly pop on over and shock the shit out of him. He just got done telling me he needed a break. A child doesn’t exactly fit the definition of a break.

  I didn’t even consider how he would feel about our baby considering the child he lost. I’d like to think he would welcome another child, but we’ve never even discussed the possibility of a future with children. What if I tell him I’m pregnant and then lose the baby? Or what if I tell him about our baby and he doesn’t want anything to do with either of us. Sean can’t lose two children and I can’t face that kind of rejection.

  “Alex, what am I going to do?” I ask as I stare at the ceiling, noticing a cob web in the corner that wasn’t there yesterday.

  Alex takes my hand in his, “You’ll do the same thing you’ve always done, you’ll be strong.”

  “I’m not sure I can handle a baby, Alex. I’ve always wanted children, but I’m not in a stable relationship, I live alone and I’m a mess. I sort of suck at life,” I admit.

  “That’s a little dramatic, Hallie. But if you are
n’t ready to be a mom, there’s always adoption. I’ll hold your hand through the whole process and be your coordinator. It won’t be easy, but it’s always an option.”

  I sit up on the couch so quickly I make myself dizzy. “Alex, no. I want my baby. I’m scared, but I could never give it up. I’m responsible for this little person.” I’m getting worked up just thinking about parting with the life growing inside of me.

  “That’s what I thought, baby girl. Just helping you realize what I already knew.”

  “Thanks, Alex. I needed that.”

  “I’m always here, Hallie. Just remember that nobody is ever ready for the hard stuff. But your heart has a lot of love to give. I should know, you give me some everyday. You, my dear, are an amazing woman.”

  I start to cry hearing his words as I further process the idea of being a mother. A mother.

  “We can get through this together. Do you hear me, Hallie? I’ll help you raise the baby if Sean doesn’t get his head out of his ass in time. Please don’t think you’re all alone in this.”

  I appreciate his thoughtfulness but considering I haven’t thought beyond the next few hours, I’m not ready to rule Sean out for good. I’ll tell him the news when the time is right, regardless if he takes me back into his life or not. Our baby won’t grow up without a father. “You will always be this baby’s uncle, Alex. I can’t ask you to be anything more. You have Tanner to focus on. Someday you might even have children of your own if you decide that’s what you want. This child is my responsibility.”

  “Just know that the offer stands. Okay?”

  I nod my head letting him know I understand. Thankful isn’t the word to use for the way Alex always swoops in to pick me up no matter how many pieces I’m in at the time. I’d be so screwed without him. “Maybe I’ll move back home so I can have my family close.”

  “How does Sean fit into that plan, Hallie? He’s still the father. You know he will want to see his child.”

  “I’ll figure this out. It’s fine. We just need some time.” I wish I believed my own words.

  “You’ll call him and tell him?”

  “Eventually.” I can’t make any promises about when I’ll have the guts to tell Sean. I don’t want him to think I’m trying to trap him into being with me. He made it very clear how he feels and what he needs right now — space and a break. I’d love nothing more than for this to be a joyous occasion, but I’m not stupid either. I just need some time to figure out the best way to approach Sean about all of this.

  It’s always about timing.

  I make it through the next three weeks by the grace of God. I’ve been having so much anxiety at work worrying about running into Sean; I can’t even stand being there. I’ve thought long and hard about my next move. This past weekend I sat down and talked to my parents about the mess that is currently my life. They’ve agreed moving closer to them would be beneficial. I need their support as much as they want a little grandchild to spoil rotten.

  I haven’t worked up the courage to approach Sean about any of this yet. I was praying he would miss me enough to decide he’s had enough time and space, but that hasn’t happened. We’ve both spent so much time hurting each other, whether unintentional or not, that it’s hard to figure out if we can ever be together without the drama. Maybe our worlds are too far apart or maybe we’re too much alike to be a couple. I’d hate to think we’re throwing away something amazing because we’re too busy arguing over things that we can get through together.

  It was never this hard with Ryan. Then again he and I never went through the emotional turmoil Sean and I have been faced with. Most girls are worried about first date jitters or creating a memorable first kiss. Sean and I had sex before we were even an actual couple. Ass backwards as always. The relationship — not the sex.

  I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Every single time it makes any kind of noise, I jump, praying it’s Sean on the other end only it never is. This time it’s none other than Colby. He’s been as persistent as ever. He texts me every Wednesday to ask me if I’ll be singing since he knows what open-mic might means to me. So far, I’ve done a good job of either ignoring him or coming up with excuses as to why I can’t make it to Shorty’s. Giving up my time to sing wasn’t easy, but I don’t think a bar is a very practical place for me to be hanging out now that I’m pregnant. Not to mention I’ve been too physically tired to put up with Colby’s advances. The thought of him flirting with me or touching me only makes me wish it was Sean.

  Colby: You coming tonight? Been awhile.

  Hallie: Haven’t decided.

  Colby: Come sing with me.

  Hallie: Not a good idea.

  Colby: You know you want to. Admit it. You miss me!

  He’s definitely charming as always. I just laugh and put my phone away. I’m not risking saying something he might twist around or give him any reason to think he has a chance with me. On the other hand, this really would be my last opportunity to go to Shorty’s before I move back home. I decide to take a quick shower and possibly entertain the idea of saying some parting words with the crew at Shorty’s. Even if I never get on the stage tonight, it would be nice to see the other regulars perform one last time before I leave. If I give myself ten minutes to say my goodbyes, that should be plenty — a simple in and out without ever looking at the stage or thinking about what happened the last time I was there. I won’t have to worry about Colby trying to persuade me into another mistake either.

  Colby will be a lot easier to say good-bye to than Alex. Alex isn’t taking the news of my impending move well. He’s adamant I stay where I am instead of going back home. I told him he’s just upset because he can’t come along with me, which he has sworn he would do regardless of how I felt about the idea. I’ve decided I’ll get my new place lined up before I put in my two week notice. I already have someone lined up to move into the house I’m currently living in. Being so close to the hospital, there were several bites just from other staff members.

  Packing has not been easy. No matter where I look, I can picture memories I’ve had with Sean, Alex, Tanner and even Ryan. Last night I was cleaning out the bins underneath my bed and found a fortune from a fortune cookie. I know it belonged to Sean because he always saves them. Knowing it fell out of his pocket turned me into a sobbing mess.

  After that, I decided to move onto something else. I ended up in the back of my walk in closet organizing shoes. One shoe box was filled with things that reminded me of Ryan. Inside I found a couple of his handwritten notes. When I saw the one about all the fish in the sea, it reminded me of my Swedish fish obsession and I started to cry again. I stopped sorting through the closet after that.

  Seeking refuge in the bathroom since there couldn’t possibly be any attachment to anyone in there, I was again shocked to silence from the mere reminder of a tiny hand towel and the box of an unopened pregnancy test. At the rate I’m going, I’ll have to hire packers along with the moving company. This is just too much right now. Suddenly I’m attached to everything my eyes come in contact with. I need some ice cream.

  I’ve decided to wait to tell Sean about my relocation plans until I have everything worked out or a departure date set in stone. This means I have approximately two and a half weeks before I have to drop the bomb. Considering I haven’t heard a single word from him still, his reaction will be a toss-up. I’ll miss living here surrounded by memories, but not enough to stick around. I’ve suffered though entirely too much heartache for this to remain my happy place.

  Giving up, and out of time to stall any longer, I decide to go to Shorty’s – another place filled with memories both pleasant and unpleasant.

  THE CROWD AT SHORTY’S IS larger than usual which has me on edge. I look around checking for Sean, why I’m not sure. My anxiety is back in full force and I can’t even take the edge off with a drink now that I’m knocked up. I sit down at the bar anyway in an attempt to blend in.

  I’m sitting down for all of thirty seconds wh
en I hear Colby’s voice. There was no use trying to find him in the crowd, he always has a way of finding me anyway whether I want him to or not. I look over my shoulder to see his arm around some blond. She must be the reason why he’s backed off his attempts to get me naked. I’m very okay with this revelation. Actually, I’m a little relieved if I’m being honest. At least someone is getting some.

  He catches me looking at him and shows off his signature panty dropping smile. Walking over to my stool he announces¸ “Hot shot! You made it! I knew you missed me.”

  “Yeah, something like that.” I order my water from the bartender and drum my fingers against the bar waiting for it to arrive. I feel so out of place being pregnant in a bar, but at least there’s a no smoking policy, so the air is safe.

  “Water again? You want to do a few shots?”

  “No!” I blurt out. “Sorry, just water tonight.”

  “What’s wrong? You worried about getting caught with me again?” he asks as he maneuvers his body between me and the girl sitting on the stool next to me. She doesn’t look too pleased with the back of his head in her personal space. I notice she checks his ass out anyway.

  “No, I’m not worried. Sean wouldn’t care anyway.” I feel myself tearing up so I blink rapidly a few times trying to keep my emotions in check as I watch the condensation on my water glass trickle onto the shellacked bars surface.

  “The hell he wouldn’t. That guy hates my guts, Hallie.”

  I just shrug my shoulders. I have nothing else to say about the situation.

  “Are you guys having trouble again?” he questions.

  I shake my head. “No. The trouble is over. He kind of kicked me out of his house the night he saw us here together and hasn’t spoken to me since.”

  “That asshole.”

  I put my hand up to stop him before he can embarrass himself or draw up any crazy ideas. “I’m leaving in a couple days, Colby. This is the last you’ll see me here. I just wanted to come and see the crew one last time. You’ve been a good friend, even if you do flirt shamelessly, but I wanted to say goodbye to you personally.” A loan tear falls down my cheek. I’m not sad about leaving Colby. I’m sad for the fact that I’m leaving at all. There’s no way I can tell him I’m pregnant either. Not before I tell Sean because I can’t risk the news getting back to him. I’m running out of time.