After the Pain

by Gia Riley

  Colby reaches up to catch my falling tear — a gesture that is entirely too personal right now, especially coming from him.

  “I can’t believe you’re leaving because of him. Hallie, there’s no reason to run. Stay here. I’ll look out for you, I promise.” He dips his head as he tries to look into my eyes, letting me know he’s sincere, but I refuse to look into them. They won’t be the crystal blue turquoise I’m wishing they were.

  If Colby knew the real reason I have to leave he wouldn’t be as understanding as he is right now. I’m sure he would run in the opposite direction. No single guy wants to deal with baby daddy drama from a girl he isn’t even involved with.

  “Thanks for the offer, Colby, but it’s too late. I’ve already made up my mind. You can still text me though if you want to keep in touch. Maybe you don’t. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.”

  “You bet your ass I’ll be keeping in touch, hot shot. You couldn’t run away from me if you tried. But I’ll be honest — I just don’t get it.”

  “What don’t you get?” I question, finally looking into his eyes.

  “For starters, what the hell was so bad? It’s not like we slept together. I mean I offered but you shut that down just as fast as I brought it up.”

  He looks genuinely confused about where Sean’s head is at in all of this. I guess he figures if there was no actual cheating we didn’t cross lines any lines. He may be right to a degree but I still lied. “Sean and I have history, Colby. There was another guy before him. It’s a long story. I don’t blame him for what he did. He had every right,” I confess unwillingly.

  Colby lifts me off my stool and gives me a gigantic bear hug. “Sing with me tonight for old time’s sake. Please.” He gives me a pouty puppy dog face that he knows I won’t be able to resist. But I have to. It just wouldn’t be right. Imagine if Sean walked in here a second time to find us performing together.

  “You know I can’t.”

  “I figured you’d say no.”

  It makes me sad knowing I’m leaving behind my friends, but there’s just no way I can stay in this town and raise a child knowing I could run into Sean any day of the week. It would kill me to see him with another woman. I won’t lie though; just the thought of his hands on someone else makes my chest tighten. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I start to chip frantically at my nail polish.

  “You okay, Hallie?”

  I shake my head and let him know I heard him. I’m not acting like my normal happy self and I know he’s concerned about me. I feel him watching me out of the corner of his eye while he sips his beer. I hear Luke, the entertainment manager; say my name from the stage. That grabs my attention.

  “Did you sign me up, Colby?”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he says playfully.

  I guess he made the decision for me. “What the hell am I supposed to sing?”

  “Just go sing what you feel.”

  I run a bunch of songs through my mind before the perfect one clicks. The song I’ve chosen will say everything that needs to be said. Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson is perfect and considering the circumstances, it’s very fitting.

  There are no nerves when I begin my performance. In my heart I know this will be my last performance as I hang up my microphone and begin the new chapter of my life — as a mother.

  It figures tonight would end up being one of my best performances ever. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so connected to the lyrics of the song or if I’ve just accepted the hand I’ve been dealt. For the first time, being here doesn’t make me feel better or relieved. It only makes me think of Sean and how I fucked everything up. Singing used to give me the most addictive rush of adrenaline. I still feel the rush but there’s an underlying consuming dread that now goes along with it.

  I take my final bow, blow a few kisses to the regulars and walk off the stage for the very last time. I’m stopped a few times on the way to my table for high fives and general conversation. I notice Colby is over at another table talking with that blond again. Her back is to me again so I can’t make out if I know her or not. I don’t want to interrupt or cause a scene so I use a napkin and write him a note. It’s the cowards way out, but it’s the best I can do right now.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I have to go, Colby.” I stand up and give him a hug. “Thank you for always keeping me on my toes with your crazy ass personality. You have no idea how much I appreciated it.”

  “What if I still need you?” he asks.

  “You know I’ll always be your friend. You have my number. I’ll keep in touch.”

  “You promise?”

  “I promise.”

  I offer my fist for one of those manly fist bumps he’s always doing with the other guys at the bar. He laughs and goes along with it. “It’s just see ya later.” I squeeze his hand and walk out of Shorty’s with my head held high. I’ve got this.

  I’m full of shit. I don’t have a damn thing right now. I admit I’m a crier but my hormones must be in overdrive. I can barely see between the combination of the raindrops and the tears cascading down my cheeks. It’s hard to see the road with the weather so I do my best to get myself under control until I get home. Hydroplaning at the next traffic light, I’m thankful the roads are pretty empty. I don’t even want to consider what could have just happened to me had this been rush-hour traffic.

  The relief I feel once I shut my car off and safely make it inside the house is incredible. It’s not just me I have to worry about anymore. I have this little munchkin growing inside my body.

  A nice hot bath would feel amazing right now after getting caught in the rain. When I get undressed I happen to catch my reflection in the mirror. A small bump is now visible so I stand and stare at it for a few minutes as I get myself used to the idea of my changing body. I’m not sure it’s as noticeable with my clothing on; my pants still fit but are starting to get a little tighter. It looks more like a food baby than anything — like I just ate a big meal or I’m bloated.

  After work tomorrow I have my first prenatal appointment. I’m anxious to find out my due date and get everything figured out. Alex offered to come with me, but I told him I’d rather go by myself. It feels like something I need to do alone as much as I would love having him with me. I promised Alex once I had dates and information I would call Sean and tell him the news. The thought of a miscarriage is still in the back of my mind. What if I finally tell him about his baby only to lose it a few days or months later? I’m not sure he can handle devastation twice, and I’d feel responsible for breaking his heart all over again.

  Once my bath water starts to feel cold, I ease my tired body out of the tub and wrap myself in a nice warm towel. I’m immediately reminded of the night I made Sean mine. I’d give anything to go back to that night when my biggest worry was finding a ring pop in the drawer.

  I notice a missed text when I get to my bedroom. My cellphone’s blinking light is taunting me from the dresser it’s resting on. As usual, I get my hopes up that it’s Sean trying to contact me. I know he’s seen me coming and going. It would be hard not to with living so close together. I’ve even caught myself spending more time than usual sitting on my window seat looking for his car. When I see the text is just a goofy message from Alex, I decide to call it a night.

  I wake up the following morning feeling anxious about today’s OBGYN appointment. I’ll have to find a new physician once I move, but I can’t wait any longer to get checked out. I don’t know why I scheduled it after work. This will be the longest shift known to man with my appointment on my mind all day. My scrubs hide my tiny bump so at least I don’t have to worry about anyone noticing. That makes me feel a little better.

  I’m three hours into my shift when I feel sick and have to race to the locker room to throw up. This has to be the worst feeling ever. I have some crackers and ginger ale stashed in my locker, so I clean myself up, gargle with some mouthwash I keep in my purse and eat a coupl
e crackers to settle my stomach. The ginger ale is now a staple in my life. Where I go, it goes. Feeling like absolute shit at the moment, there’s no other choice but to suck it up and get back to my patient’s.

  Once I have everything set up for my next blood draw, my stomach starts to churn again and I know I need to get back to the locker room. I excuse myself pretending I need to go check on something and make it with a fraction of a second to spare.

  For the second time, I clean myself up, gargle and walk out of the locker room. I feel shaky and dizzy from the exertion of heaving so hard. When my vision starts to blur, I stop walking and sit down on the hallway floor. I’m not in plain sight with this being an employee corridor, but someone will eventually spot me. My small sips of ginger ale usually help to raise my blood sugar, but I’m still too weak to stand back up.

  “Hallie? Are you okay?”

  Blinking rapidly, everything is blurry as my tunnel vision increases. I have a hard time making out who’s speaking to me. When I don’t immediately respond, mostly because I can’t get the words to form, I hear someone yell for backup and feel hands around my body forcing me onto a gurney lining the hallway.

  Our lone female physician stands next to my bedside. The other concerned employees disperse as I’m wheeled safely into an exam room. I’m thankful I’m no longer the center of attention. She encourages me to stay calm as I explain what just happened and let her know I’m also pregnant. The concern etched on her face doesn’t go unnoticed. As my body begins to cooperate with my brain again, I’m freezing and shaking from my nerves. She places a thin sheet over my body and immediately places an IV in my arm.

  As she’s working, the doctor tells me I’m severely dehydrated from my constant vomiting and is worried my glucose levels have dropped as well. I start to feel panicked again from the stress of the news. Knowing I’m pregnant, Dr. Morris doesn’t want to take any chances on me passing out, so she makes me lie back on the bed, elevating my feet. I try to stay as relaxed as possible given the circumstances, but it’s not easy. Once the cool liquid from the IV bag starts entering my veins, I begin to feel slightly more human.

  She also wants to check the baby’s heart rate, which I don’t refuse. I’m so worried about my baby she can do anything she wants to me right now. I hear the curtain rustle on the opposite side of the bed. When I open my eyes, I expect to see the lab technician gearing up to draw my blood. Instead, I don’t believe my eyes.

  “Sean? What are you doing here?” I try to sit up, but he makes me lay my head back down. My heart is beating at such an alarming rate my monitor starts beeping wildly. Embarrassed, I reach around to quiet the machine, thankful that I know how to operate it.

  “I saw your name in the cue when I was checking on a patient of mine. Are you okay? I came right over.”

  I’m still scared shitless but it warms my heart knowing he was worried enough to come see how I was doing. Hopefully he isn’t doing it out of obligation and actually wanted to see me with his own eyes. “I think so. Nothing to worry about.” My voice is small when I respond to him. I don’t even look directly at him; instead I play with the thin bed sheet draped over my exhausted body. The combination of seeing him again and worrying about the baby catch up to me at the same time. I close my eyes and try to take a few deep breaths but I can feel my body begin to shake.

  “What happened, Hallie?”

  “I almost passed out in the hallway.”

  He takes my shaking hands and drapes his warm ones around them. “Calm down. Breathe. It’s okay.”

  “But it’s not okay.” There are a million more things I want to say to him in this moment, but I’m too worried he’ll get up and leave me completely. As much as I want to risk it, I’m too scared to say the words on the tip of my tongue.

  Sean sighs and releases my hands to sit down in the chair next to my bed. He picks them back up once he scoots the chair closer to my bedside. “Hallie, I’ll always be here for you.”

  “But not as my boyfriend, right? You’ve taken so much time and I’ve given you so much space. It still hasn’t changed anything.”

  “I don’t think this is the time or place for that conversation. Let’s just focus on you feeling better. We can deal with the rest later. Okay?”

  “Yeah.” It’s absolutely not okay. I’m a woman and when I say everything is okay, that’s code for I’m a damn mess. Inside I’m missing him terribly – desperate to reach out and bring his lips to my own. The other side of me wants to punch him in the face for letting me go. Most of all, he has no idea how much I still love him.

  He assesses me with his eyes one more time before standing and saying, “Let me just sign off on my patient so they can move him upstairs and I’ll come back and sit with you. It won’t take long. Okay?”

  “Okay.” My eyes reluctantly watch his fingers leave my skin. He gives me a strained smile as he walks away. Right after he walks out, Dr. Morris walks back in with a fetal Doppler machine. I wasn’t expecting to see one of these until my appointment later this afternoon. She tells me again how she just wants to confirm the heartbeat and make sure the baby isn’t in any distress. Originally she wanted to do an ultrasound, but since I’m having one this afternoon, she feels I’m stable and would rather get me to the other office as quickly as possible. I’d feel better getting out of the ER anyway and to the office, where I’ll have more privacy.

  It takes her a few seconds to locate the heartbeat. She wasn’t sure she would be able to detect it this early in the pregnancy but decided to try anyway. I watch her press the wand around my slightly swollen stomach. When she finally finds the right spot, the sound is like nothing I can even imagine. I’ve heard the whooshing a bunch of times while on my OBGYN rotation, but it’s an indescribable feeling when it’s coming from my own body. This moment makes up for all of the time spent hovering over the porcelain throne yacking my guts out over and over. For the very first time, I have physical proof I’m going to be a mother - other than the pee stick of course. You better believe I saved that germ infested wand inside a Ziploc. I’m not ready to part with it yet considering Sean hasn’t seen it.

  “Hallie?”

  When I look up, I find Sean standing at the curtain with his eyes fixated on my stomach. This isn’t exactly the way I wanted him to find out about his baby, but I can’t do much about it now.

  “The heartbeat is strong, Hallie. You have nothing to worry about and can have your ultrasound later today as planned,” Dr. Morris assures.

  “Thank you. Do you think I can be discharged soon? I don’t want to be late for my appointment.”

  “I’ll go work on your papers.” She pats my hand on the side of the bed and gives me her silent reassurance. Clearly she realizes Sean doesn’t have any idea about the baby after taking one look at his shocked expression.

  I’m at a loss about how to lead into the news I need to share with Sean. He walks over to me and I slowly pull my scrub pants back up to my waist, also pulling my scrub top down over my belly. He puts his hand on mine stopping me. “You’re pregnant?”

  “Yes. It was a shock to me too.” Sean still hasn’t looked at me. His transfixed gaze remains on my stomach and I can’t even imagine the emotions filling his body right now. He was in this situation once before, only he never got to meet his daughter.

  “It’s mine, Hallie?” he questions.

  I wasn’t expecting those to be the first words out of his mouth, but considering the situation he was once in with Audrey, his question is completely appropriate. He also found Colby and me in a compromising position at Shorty’s. Maybe I should be angry with him for questioning me, but like he said earlier, this is not the time for a conversation like that. All of our co-workers are within earshot of my hospital bed. As much as I would love to lay into him and make him understand how much I love him, I keep it to myself. He knows.

  “I know what you’re thinking, but I’ve never touched Colby. It’s without a doubt your baby, Sean.”

 
; His head slowly raises — his eyes finally meeting mine. My eyes are glassy from the unshed tears waiting for their release. Once they fall, this moment will be entirely real.

  “This is my baby,” he mumbles to himself, once again looking at my stomach. “But you were on the pill the whole time. Weren’t you?”

  “Of course. I swear I took my pill religiously.” I’m not sure how he will take this revelation but I can only hope he isn’t mad at me for my pill failing.

  “You swear to me this baby is mine?”

  “I swear. I wasn’t with anyone else. Only you. It’s always been just you.” I’ll clarify it as many times as he needs me to until he believes it. I’m not Audrey that much I can assure him.

  “I’m sorry I keep asking you that. It’s just, last time I didn’t know.”

  “It’s okay; I know it’s a lot for you to process.” As I watch him, he whispers my baby a couple more times trying to process the news. Sean sits down in the chair next to my bed and rubs his hands over his face. “God, Hallie. How did everything get so fucked up between us? You just told me we’re having a baby and I don’t even know if I’m allowed to kiss you. I want to hold you so bad right now, but I have no idea how we get back what we had. I’m trying to get past everything, but I need you, Hallie. God, do I need you.”

  “You want to be with me?” I ask in shock. If he wants to be with me, why did he take so much time away from me? I don’t get it.

  “I’ve never stopped wanting you, Hallie. You’re all I think about. Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I just couldn’t deal with not being good enough for you again. I saw you with Colby and I saw red. It was like coming in second place all over again, just like with Ryan.”