Willing Redemption (Willing Surrender Book 3)

by Carrie Hogle

  Chapter 11

  Amy slept late, so Reina made coffee and spent most of the day lounging on the couch. She tried not to think about James, but it was like trying not see the sky or trying not to breathe. Late in the afternoon she and Amy went out for sandwiches, stopped by the Crow’s Nest for a couple rounds of pool, and ended up at The Coffee Spot for coffee and muffins. By evening she knew she couldn’t stall any longer and headed home. Amy would let her stay as long as she wanted but James was likely to come looking for her at some point. She thought it was probably better he come to her space instead of Amy’s.

  She took a long shower then stood by the balcony and watched the rain clouds roll in. No thunder and lightning this time, just a deep, thick gray that spread across the sky and mixed with the black of night. She tried to sleep but was haunted by both nightmares and dreams, as if James were reaching out to her. For the first time in months she dreamed of the kidnapping. With images of pain, blood, and the sounds of metal she woke up in a cold sweat. She splashed water on her face trying to shake the chill as the melancholy rain began to tap the window.

  Sleep was long in coming after that. Reina tossed and turned and couldn’t keep the thoughts of everything that happened after the kidnapping out of her mind. When she finally fell back to sleep she was still plagued by memories floating in and out of her dreams. She dreamed of James smiling at her and smelling bacon. She dreamed of laughter and sunny days to the sound of guitar music. She’d wake up, turn over, and fitfully fall back to sleep only to dream of being tied up and brought to pleasure, of his hands on her face, and of his sensual dominating commands. She dreamed of his warm body against her back, the feel of his heartbeat, and whispered words of love. She woke up alone and exhausted to a gray day.

  Reina made coffee and curled up in her chair and watched the gloomy rain slide down the glass. After the night she’d had, she wasn’t shocked when there was a knock at her door. Without checking she knew it was James. She looked through the peephole and there he was at her doorstep, dripping wet once again. She felt weary but she opened the door, and looked at his face without making full eye contact.

  “Can I come in?”

  She sighed, nodded, and stepped back. After a tough night the last thing she was prepared for was James’ dynamic presence filling up her space. He battered her defenses without even trying. She looked at him for a minute then crossed the room to stand in front of the sliding glass doors, trying to put as much space between them as possible. Reina felt testy, heartsick, and a little rough around the edges.

  James took a step towards her, “I had to see you…”

  Reina crossed her arms, “I’m well acquainted with that feeling…”

  He sighed and shook his head.

  “Reina…,” he paused and took another step forward, “My father threatened…”

  “I know…,” Reina interrupted.

  Without thought he stalked across the room towards her.

  “What do you mean you know?”

  “Your father came to see me.”

  He tensed as if she’d struck him.

  “When was he here?”

  “The day after you were. The last time I saw you actually…”

  James was standing close enough that she felt the electricity sparking between them.

  “You didn’t tell me,” he replied, his tone quietly angry.

  Reina shrugged, “You weren’t here.”

  His hands flexed and his jaw clenched.

  “You should have called.”

  “I’m not helpless,” she shrugged again. “I handled it.”

  He stepped in so that she had to look up to meet his eyes. She could sense his pent-up aggression and her heart instinctively accelerated in response, answering his wild call. His eyes shifted from anger to passion, as if he could hear her heartbeat.

  “Reina...come back to me…”

  “I’m not the one that left,” she retorted.

  “Reina…”

  She interrupted him again, “You were protecting me, I get it. I’m not sure how I became the damsel in distress, but...I understand”

  “You have every right to be angry,” he tried to soothe her.

  She looked up at him, “I’m not angry with you.”

  “Then tell me how to make this right.”

  “James...you still have my heart...but I can’t…” she shifted her gaze away, “I can’t lose you anymore...it’s too hard.”

  He raised his hand to caress her face.

  “I can’t give you what you want,” she whispered, voice breaking.

  “Reina, I’m sorry.”

  “Me too,” she replied softly.

  His hand slowly slid down the side of her neck and into her hair, tugging until she looked at him. Her mind tried to protect her heart but her body reacted, her breathing changed to match his.

  “You’re still mine,” he murmured knowingly.

  Her fingers wrapped around his wrist with a barely audible, “please.”

  Internally he struggled to decide between giving her what she was verbally asking for or pushing her past it and fulfilling the cues of her body language. He leaned in and felt her body tremble as his lips brushed her ear.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  His hand skimmed across her throat as he released her. His eyes met hers again as he stepped back. He turned and walked away while he still had the willpower to do so, but he stopped at the door.

  “I’m not giving up on us,” he promised.

  Reina watched him carry her heart out the door. She sat down on the floor, rested her head on the glass, and followed the raindrops with her eyes. She felt like she was sinking, with no chance of survival. Whether she stayed on the ship or took the lifeboat, she was still going to drown. Part of her wanted so badly to accept the lull of the ocean and let the anchor carry her down. There didn’t seem to be a way to make it easy. Their love was passionate, reckless, and undeniable but with the odds continually stacked against them, it was rarely easy.

  Chapter 12

  It had been two miserable days since she’d seen James, but her reprieve seemed to be over. She sat at the breakfast bar, coffee in hand, watching her phone ring. He’d called three times already, and she knew she should answer it soon before he was at her door. Her heart seemed to beat with each ring and by the fourth call she answered just to keep from going insane.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello Reina.”

  She’d swear he said her name only to torment her.

  “You couldn’t leave a message,” she asked testily.

  “I was hoping you’d meet me for coffee.”

  “James…”

  “I need to see you,” he answered almost seductive.

  “I have coffee already…”

  “I could come there…”

  “No.”

  “Please have coffee with me.”

  She closed her eyes and tried to fight the twisting of her heart at the pain and longing in his voice.

  “I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” she replied softly before hanging up.

  She put on a bra, put her hair up, slipped on some jeans and sneakers, and tried to calm herself on the walk over. She approached the windows and stood there looking at him for a moment. As if by intuition his eyes met hers through the glass, his gaze playing the string of her emotions from across the room. She opened the door and walked to him, feeling as though he’d beckoned and she was willingly surrendering to whatever he had in mind.

  “How are you?”

  It was posed as a question but his tone implied that he already knew the answer.

  “Fine,” she shrugged, “you?”

  “I’ve been better.”

  “Yeah…” she nodded.

  “I miss you.”

  She averted her gaze and sighed.

  “Reina…”

  His voice was quiet but commanding and she met his eyes without thought.

  “I want to marry you.”<
br />
  Just like that her brain went into full sarcastic panic mode.

  “Have you lost your mind?”

  “Quite the opposite. I know exactly what I want.”

  “So...you’re not getting your way and you think this is the answer?”

  “You can’t deny what’s between us Reina.”

  “Until the next thing comes along to tear us apart you mean.”

  “I have never meant to hurt you.”

  He reached out to touch her hand but she pulled away.

  “But, we keep hurting each other anyway.”

  “Yet we’re still better together…”

  She stood up to leave.

  “That doesn’t really seem to work out for us,” she replied tartly.

  He stood up as well and she was temporarily blocked by the chair behind her.

  “We are not together,” even as she said the words her heart was beating faster at his proximity.

  As if he had all the time in the world his hand brushed her jaw, his thumb lifting her chin. She couldn’t control her slight tremble at the contact.

  “We will always be a pair Reina.”

  She’d lost her ability to think clearly. “If you say so,” she murmured.

  He brought his face closer to hers, “Your eyes don’t lie.”

  “My eyes don’t make decisions for me.”

  “I’m not letting you go.”

  For some reason those words were enough to spark her anger and snap her out of it. She twisted her face out of his grasp.

  “That’s not how I remember it.”

  Reina pushed the chair backward, sidestepped him and angrily stormed away. He didn’t pursue her, but she could feel the heat of his gaze following her. Unable to be still she mumbled under her breath as she briskly walked the neighborhood.

  Marry him...lost his freaking mind...never let me go...damn that man….making me lose my freaking mind. Oh...it’s over Reina...we’ll always be a pair Reina...Fuck.

  She rubbed her hands hard across her eyes trying to make her brain shut up and get it together. Over an hour later she was pacing around her apartment still trying to calm her thoughts, fighting the tide and losing. When there was a knock on the door she was hoping it was James so she could let him have it. Damn that man. It wasn’t James, it was Amy.

  “Hey,” she said absently.

  She began to back away but Amy didn’t move.

  “Reina...have you watched the news?”

  Reina scoffed. “I don’t own a T.V. and I hate the news,” she replied flippantly.

  Amy was looking at her so strangely that an irrational feeling of fear raced down her spine. Her mind was already trying to put up a protective barrier. Somehow she knew that whatever Amy was about to say, she didn’t want to hear it.

  “Reina...James was in an accident.”

  Her world shifted as all of the air was sucked out of the room. She couldn’t breathe.

  “What,” she asked, trying to comprehend what Amy was saying.

  “James was in a car accident.”

  She couldn’t make her brain form words.

  “Reina…?”

  “Amy...what are you saying to me?”

  “He’s been rushed to the hospital, but they haven’t said how bad it is.”

  A small wave of relief washed over her. Hospital at least meant probably not dead. She took a deep breath clenched her teeth, and nodded.

  “Drive me?”

  Reina looked out the window blindly, the scenery flashed by as her world quietly crumbled to her feet.

  Chapter 13

  Not knowing where James was they entered through the emergency room. For Reina it was like walking into a living, breathing nightmare. The smell of alcohol and bleach mixed with sickness was overpowering. Glaring fluorescent lights reflected off the randomly stained white floor. There seemed to be an endless crowd of people who were waiting or rushing around. Mothers tried to keep their children busy, babies cried, people moaned in pain and complained about the wait. Nurses flowed past her with clipboards, the sound of elevator doors echoed through the room, sirens blared outside the doors, and people were wheeled past on stretchers.

  Sadness, fear and pain seemed to roll through the room like waves. Reina waited behind people injured and bloody trying to check in to be seen. She tried to keep herself from fading as cold sweat ran down her back and flashbacks of being here with James haunted her. The receptionist had to call her a couple of times. Finally, Amy had to pull her forward, as Reina tried to slow her breathing and control her raging anxiety.

  “Can I help you,” the receptionist asked in her clinical tone.

  “I need to find out about James Beaston.”

  The lady looked her up and down. God please help me keep it together, she thought.

  “Are you family?”

  Breathe. Don’t cry. Breathe.

  She couldn’t think of anything else to say, “I’m his fiancé.”

  “I’m sorry, but we don’t…”

  Losing it. She was losing it.

  “I just need to know if he’s ok.”

  “Miss…”

  God please keep me from killing this woman.

  Reina started to raise her voice, “Please. Ok. Please. I need to know if he’s Ok. You find me someone that can tell me what the hell is going on. Do you understand me? Someone here is going to tell me that he’s Ok.”

  “I’m going to need to you to calm down.”

  Reina completely lost control.

  “Don’t you think if I could be calm I would be,” she yelled, “someone needs to fucking help me.”

  The receptionist stood up, people were staring at her, and inside she was falling apart.

  “Reina?”

  She turned at the sound of her name and there was one of their bodyguards Mark, carrying coffee. Her breathing slowed slightly with a tiny spark of relief, he was like a lifeline in the rushing ocean of people surrounding her. She laid a hand on his arm, tears beginning to stream down her face.

  “Please, help me…”

  He sat the coffee down with a glare at the receptionist and put a hand on the back of her shoulder.

  “It’s Ok Reina,” he led her towards and elevator. “Come on, it’s Ok,” he soothed.

  Reina was able to regain some control as they exited onto an upper floor. There was the faint sound of beeping machines and the rustle of nurses with paperwork, but after the emergency room it seemed quiet. A few feet down the hallway they stepped into a small, private waiting room. It had a few chairs on each wall, small tables with random magazines in between, and a table with coffee supplies. She chose a chair on the far side of the room, facing the door. She looked at Mark expectantly as he sat next to her.

  “Where is he?”

  “He’s in surgery. The strength of the impact and the seatbelt caused internal bleeding.”

  “How bad is it?”

  Mark shook his head, “We don’t know.”

  She put her knuckles against her lips. Breathe…breathe….breathe…

  “How long?”

  He shook his head again, “As soon as I know more I’ll let you know.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  As Mark left she came to her senses enough to realize that Amy was still with her, sitting a couple of chairs away, pale and trembling. Amy was fearless about almost everything, but she didn’t do hospitals. Reina didn’t know the story; it was one the few things Amy didn’t talk about. All Reina knew was something traumatic had happened the summer before Amy had started college.

  “Amy, you don’t have to stay. It’s Ok.”

  “I would never leave you at a time like this.”

  “I know you wouldn’t. I’ll be fine, there’s no reason for you to sit and suffer.”

  “Reina…”

  “Go home. I can handle this. When I know something I’ll call.”

  “Seth should be on his way.”

  “See. Seth can babysit. I’ll be f
ine.”

  “Ok. I’ll wait until he gets here.”

  There was a long silence between them, as they both tried to deal with their inner turmoil.

  “I love you Amy,” Reina said quietly.

  “I am lovable,” she joked half-heartedly. “I love you too.”

  Within fifteen minutes Seth walked through the door, and sat with Amy as Reina gave him the little bit of information she had. He held Amy’s hand seeming concerned for her, and Reina wondered if he knew more of the story than she did.

  “Seth, I know he’s your friend, but will you please take Amy home.”

  He nodded knowingly and Reina was grateful for him. After a round of hugs Reina was alone. Normally this would be the time that Reina withdrew, let the numbness spread and blocked it all out, but this time there was no one to bring her back. James needed her, and she needed to keep herself together. To keep her mind focused and busy she started counting. She counted the tiles in the floor, counted the shapes she could make out of the design on the tiles, counted the ceiling tiles. She spent long minutes staring at the bugs in the ceiling light, counted the magazines on the tables, counted the stacked up coffee cups. She counted the number of times the nurses walked by and the number of steps to the bathroom. She drank weak hospital coffee and every thirty minutes Mark would come in and say that surgery was going well. She counted the seconds until the next time Mark would be back. When her mind would start to slip, and the anxiety would creep into her heart, she’d start the entire process again.

  After the longest two hours of her life, Mark came to let her know that he was out of surgery, stable, and when he was in a room she’d be able to sit with him. Tears slipped down her face as she counted minutes and memories. Unable to sit still any longer she counted the number of steps to the end of the hallway and back.