Willing Redemption (Willing Surrender Book 3)

by Carrie Hogle

  Reina wrapped her arms around her middle when she was finally taken to James’ room. He was still unconscious, oxygen mask on, heart and blood pressure machines beeping, and IV in his arm. His face and arms were covered in cuts and abrasions. She pulled a chair to the side of the bed and covered her face with her hands.

  Keep it together. Breathe.

  She texted Amy with an update, and waited. She watched his heartbeat across the monitor and listened to him breathing. As night wore on her adrenaline began to wear off and exhaustion started to kick in. The nurses came in to check on him regularly, which helped keep her awake, but at some point she nodded off. She was jolted awake by one of the machines alarms going off and nurses rushing in. James’ temperature had spiked and his blood pressure had dropped. Reina could only stand there helpless as they put medicine in his IV, her eyes on the machines willing them to the right numbers.

  Her body rocked a slow rhythm as she sat in the chair, drank coffee and tried to keep herself awake. Occasionally James’ would move restlessly, but he didn’t wake up. When her body and mind had reached its limit she lay her arms on the edge of the bed and rested her head on them. She dosed intermittently between nurse stops, the creaking of the door and streams of light jolting her each time. Near dawn his fever broke. The nurses came less often and her heart slowed down enough that she slept.

  It didn’t feel like she’d slept long but she woke to light streaming in the window, drool on her arm, a sore neck, and something in her hair. She raised her head slowly against the pain in her neck. She raised a hand to her hair and realized James was touching her. She met his groggy eyes and remembered how to breathe.

  “You’re still trying to leave me,” she said brokenly.

  “I’ve never wanted to leave you Reina,” he murmured in a thick voice.

  She didn’t know what to say. Her emotions were overloaded, her body was sore, her mind was fatigued and her heart was bleeding. She laid her head on the bed, his hand on her face and entangled in her messy curls. She touched her hand to the back of his wrist as his thumb made soft brushing strokes on her face, and she cried.

  Chapter 14

  Amy and Seth came to visit, bringing Reina clothes, her laptop and a book. They spoke in hushed whispers as James slept and brought food when they couldn’t coax her out of the room. For days Reina lived in a blurry fatigued state. She curled up on the well-worn, stained couch and drifted off to the comforting yet disturbing sounds of James’ heartbeat on the monitor. Her mind tuned into it and seemed to notice every tiny fluctuation. There was the constant sound of nurses shuffling by and papers rustling. Sporadically other patient’s moans would echo down the hallways. Three times a day there were the squeaky wheels of food being delivered. She slept in countless twenty minute intervals until her world seemed to become continuous white noise.

  For the first couple of days he mostly slept and Reina sat at his bedside counting her own fractured heartbeats. She held his hand, the feel of his skin kept her grounded in a twisted reality. She watched the IV drip antibiotics, fluids, and pain meds into his system, counting each drop, and willed herself to breathe. Mark and Charles took shifts and regularly made certain she had coffee. They brought snacks from the vending machines and food from the cafeteria encouraging her to eat.

  By the end of the second day he started having more lucid moments. He opened his eyes, smiling at her with dilated pupils.

  “I dreamed you were here.”

  She gave him a weak smile, shaking her head slightly. If he only knew.

  His expression grew serious, “I thought I wouldn’t see you.”

  She bit her lip, fighting tears. Me too, she thought.

  She held his hand, and instead said, “I’m here.”

  It pulled at her heart to see him looking more like a puppy than the big bad wolf, but it didn’t last. The more he was awake the more surly and gruff he became. He shifted in the bed constantly. He complained about the machines, complained about the IV, and complained that the meds made him itchy. The nurses clucked at him for hating the food, and he gave them death stares until they were flipping coins to decide who had to come in the room. The bodyguards helped him to the bathroom, which pissed him off. Reina tried to sooth him, but he’d pat her hand and continue his growling. Everyone sighed a bit when his pain meds would finally knock him out. He bossed and complained at the doctors and by early evening on the fourth day they were happy to let him go home.

  He seemed to calm down when they got him home. Navigating the stairs was complicated, so Reina set him up on the couch in the T.V. room. As he settled in and she stepped back he reached for her wrist.

  “Will you be here,” he asked with needy eyes.

  She nodded towards the other couch, “I’ll be right there.”

  Placated he released her slowly and watched her set up her own sleeping spot. Reina wasn’t certain how long he was asking her to be there, but she’d stay until he was on his feet. She gave him pain meds and they watched old movies until he slept. She tried to sleep too, but she spent a lot of time drowsily watching him. She would drift off only to jolt awake every time he shifted or groaned. Her eyes were drawn to his cuts and her mind seemed to weave together memories of the last time he’d been injured, which caused a resurgence of pain. She loved him too much, their desire burned too bright, her heart seemed to be living in continuous cycle of pain and fear. He calmed her chaotic thoughts while firing her passionate soul; losing him was like having all the air sucked out of her lungs in one movement. She was tired, weary and she couldn’t stop needing him.

  When James was awake she’d sit on the floor next to his couch, and wait for the pain medicine to take effect. She could see the pain in his eyes as he tried to get comfortable, but he seemed more at ease when she was close to him. Each time, before he fell asleep he would talk to her, with glassy eyes. He would speak quietly, softly confiding secrets and memories.

  He told her stories of his childhood, like his mother singing while she cooked, and troubled moments with his father. He explained the ordeal he’d been through with his father in the hospital, whispering how he hated him with tears gathering in his eyes. His hand came to her wrist as she laid her hand on his neck to comfort him, his look asking questions that she couldn’t answer. She could only live in the present, her mind and body too fatigued to think beyond the current situation.

  James also talked about random memories of her. He murmured how he could always see her thoughts in her eyes and how he missed her touch. When she leaned over to change his bandage he rubbed a curl between his fingers, saying that it looked like chocolate wine in the sun. He would get serious and tell her he was sorry. Reina would look away, unable to handle the emotions.

  “You’re drunk, go to sleep,” she’d joke, but she could see that even drugged he knew exactly what he was saying.

  Over the course of the week he began skipping doses of the pain meds and became restless. The less he took the more she could sense the tides changing. He grumbled about getting up, struggled around to do things himself, and looked at her with shifting intentions. She knew it was time to go home, before he assumed she was staying permanently. Taking care of him when he needed her was one thing, agreeing to give herself back over to their intensity was another thing entirely.

  She gathered up her things while he was in the kitchen, but he walked in before she’d finished and she felt like she’d been caught. He didn’t say anything, but stood there looking at her expectantly. She bolstered her courage, grabbed her bag and stepped closer to him. She didn’t have much choice; he was standing near the exit.

  “You’re leaving,” he made it a statement, not a question.

  “Yeah. You umm...you’re up and about, and uh...I haven’t been to my apartment...and...I have some work to catch up on...” she couldn’t seem to stop the stream of words coming out of her mouth.

  He nodded looking disappointed and she had to look away.

  “I’ll come back in a
few days...check on you...bring food,” she gave a small smile, glancing up through her eyelashes.

  “Ok,” he replied quietly.

  She turned and walked toward the door before he could stop her, but he called to her before she was out.

  “Thank you for taking care of me Reina.”

  She struggled with what to say.

  “Of course,” was all she could get out then she walked away before she was trapped by his gravity.

  She hadn’t slept well for over a week and thought being back in her apartment would help, but it was like her body had been reset. She tossed and turned; she was both mentally and physically drained but her mind wouldn’t cooperate. When she did drift off into a fitful sleep she was tormented with nightmares. Old memories mixed with new ones to create a private hell. Images of James being injured, screeching stretcher wheels, the emergency room closing in on her, the sound of handcuffs against metal, the beeping of the blood pressure machine, nurses rushing in all blended together horrifically until she’d wake up heart beating wildly. She hugged her knees to her chest. Breathe. She was completely depleted yet her mind wouldn’t leave her be.

  Reina started trying to avoid sleep. She drank coffee and sat on the couch, napped for an hour or two at a time, and started the process again. She answered her emails and extended deadlines, but couldn’t concentrate on much else. She’d told James she’d come by with supplies, which gave her something to focus on. After stopping for bandages, take-out and a few random groceries she found herself at his door. When he answered she walked past him before he could try to take the bags from her. She busied herself putting things away until he stepped in her path. She looked up at him, noticing that the authoritativeness was returning to his eyes. His thumb brushed across her cheek.

  “You need sleep Reina.”

  Her defenses were low. Without thought she stepped into him, pressed her face into his neck and let him hold her. Home...he felt like home.

  “Stay…” he murmured.

  “I’m afraid,” she whispered.

  “Reina…”

  She was already pulling away, “I can’t...I’m not ready to talk about this…”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” he replied.

  With those words she was backing away with tears in her eyes.

  “That would be the question...wouldn’t it,” she said slightly accusing

  Everything was too fresh, she was too raw, and it seemed too easy to think she could have what she needed.

  Chapter 15

  After finally getting a few hours of broken sleep on the couch, Reina woke to a quiet knock on her door. Glancing out the sliding glass doors she realized it was already dark. She checked through the peephole and was relieved to see it was Paul. When she opened the door he held up a bag of coffee and she shook her head at the cruel cosmic irony.

  “Maple bacon,” he asked with the smile.

  “Sounds good,” she half smiled back.

  Bacon flavored coffee, what could possibly be wrong with that, she mused.

  “Everything Ok? I came by a couple times last week and you weren’t here.”

  “Oh...ummm...yeah. A friend had an accident and I was...helping them out.”

  “I’m sorry! I hope they’re Ok…”

  “Better, thanks.” Don’t think about James. Don’t think about James. “Do you mind brewing? I think I still have some shortbread cookies that would be perfect,” she said over her shoulder, looking through her cabinets. As she pulled them down from the top shelf she got lightheaded and sat them on the counter shaking her head and taking deep breaths.

  “Reina are you alright,” Paul asked, concerned.

  “I’m good...it’s cool...just haven’t been sleeping very well.”

  “I could bring you some tea.”

  “That would be great.” She put a smile on her face as the black spots danced away from the edge of her vision. What was the last thing she’d eaten, she wondered. There was another knock at the door.

  Great. Grand Central Station. Please be Amy, she thought sarcastically.

  “Do you want me to get it,” Paul asked.

  “Nope...got it. Grab cups?”

  “Sure thing.”

  It wasn’t Amy, it was James. Awesome.

  “Hey,” she said wearily as she opened the door. “Should you be driving?”

  He didn’t answer because at that moment Paul walked out of the kitchen with coffee mugs.

  “Hey Reina...which one of these…”

  James’ eyes went straight to primal in a matter of seconds.

  Oh shit.

  “James wait…”

  James was past her before she could stop him. Coffee cups crashed across the floor and James was on top of Paul with his hand on his throat.

  “Why is he in your apartment,” he asked, voice dripping with menace.

  Thankfully James was only holding him down and not actually choking him, yet.

  “James this is my neighbor...”

  His hand tightened.

  “What is he doing here Reina,” he shouted.

  Reina knelt down beside him.

  “James...he doesn’t date girls...ok…”

  She could see him fighting for control, but he didn’t let go.

  She gently laid a hand on his arm, “Hey...look at me…”

  He looked at her with wild eyes.

  “James please...please let him go…”

  He looked at Paul then looked back to her.

  “Please…”

  He finally released him and stood favoring his side. Paul shuffled backward a bit and tried to maintain whatever dignity he had left. Reina stood between them as James clenched his hands. She put her hands up but didn’t risk getting too close.

  “I’m sorry Paul….I am so sorry…”

  Paul looked back and forth between them and began sidestepping towards the door.

  “Nope...it’s cool...I’m uh...yeah...it’s fine…”

  As soon as the door closed behind him she rounded on James.

  “You owe my friend an apology,” she said reproachfully.

  He looked down at her clenching his teeth.

  “James, I wouldn’t….I’m not…”

  She was upset that he’d thought she had a guy over or that she was seeing someone, but the rational part of her brain told her that as far as he knew she did have a random guy in her apartment. She looked down attempting to figure out what the hell she was trying to say and noticed a smudge of blood on his shirt.

  She sighed, “You’re bleeding.”

  She felt like growling at him, instead she pointed toward the couch.

  “Sit...I’ll get a bandage…” Surprisingly he didn’t argue.

  She only had bandages because they’d fallen out in the car the last time she’d visited.

  She knelt on the floor between his legs feeling frustrated.

  “Take it off,” she gestured toward his shirt.

  He pulled it over his head and she gently checked his stitches while she fussed at him.

  “You pulled a couple of stitches, but it’s healing fine. You need to cut the crap before you hurt your damn self. Can’t you just rest or something? Ugh.” She grumbled under her breath, freaking men! When she looked up to see if he was listening she lost her train of thought. Regardless of what he was hearing his autumn eyes were filled with longing; she was drawn into his gravity, mesmerized. His hand grazed across her face and rested at the back of her neck. Her heart skipped a beat as she processed her position between his legs, touching his skin.

  Flustered she pulled back and stood up too fast. Hit with another wave of dizziness she paused trying to refocus. James followed her up, putting a hand out to brace her.

  “Reina…”

  Sleep deprived, mentally fatigued, and heartsick she stopped fighting. For that moment she needed what he was offering. She stepped into his body, closed her eyes, and breathed him in.

  “Stay,” she whispered.


  James smoothed her hair, kissed the side of her head, and led her to the bedroom. He gingerly lay down wincing and she sat on the edge, once again watching him fill up her space.

  “Come here Reina,” he said softly.

  With a small nod she carefully scooted into him. As he wrapped his arm around her she felt grounded, anchored, and complete at last. She absorbed his heat and slept.

  Chapter 16

  Reina woke up in James’ arms and gave herself a few minutes to savor how right it felt before slipping out of bed. She stood there looking at him, longing to reach out and touch him but headed for the kitchen before she could give into temptation. After making coffee she leaned against the counter waiting for James and processed their situation. She’d finally had enough sleep for her mind to be a bit more focused, but her heart was still hesitant. When James emerged none of it mattered; her thoughts were blown to the wind. The closer he stalked the faster her heart beat, until he was crowding her space and she was looking up at him. Regardless of their current status there was no way she could have him at her apartment all day.

  “I have to get some work done today. I’ve already extended deadlines...you know...since…”

  She swallowed as he glanced down at her lips. He trailed his fingers across her jaw, resting his hand on the side of her neck, as his mouth grazed down the other side of her jaw with the barest of touches. She closed her eyes, craving the contact. His lips against her ear sent shivers over her skin.

  “It’s Ok Reina.”

  He looked back into her eyes and although she knew he was reading her, she had no idea what he’d find. She was certain that he had succeeded in muddling her good sense. He released her and walked towards the door.

  “I’ll see you soon Reina.”

  She stood in her kitchen for a minute, trying to slow her heart, and kicking herself for already wishing he was still there. Amy texted from The Coffee Spot offering to bring croissants and was there within minutes. As Amy walked in Reina grabbed the trash can and started picking up the broken coffee cups she’d forgotten.