“That’s true. This is between you and Vince. You need to work it out. Whatever that means. Whether you end up together or not. Because you haven’t moved on, Maggie. So either you want him or you need closure.” I hate it when she’s right.
“Fine. I’m getting off the phone now so I can yell some more.”
“Okay. I love you. Don’t hate me.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye. Love you too.”
I can’t believe not a single person told me about this. Surely Martina, Joey, Keri and obviously Tommy knew. All liars. Every last one of them. What in the hell am I going to do now? I can confront him, scream in his face until I get all my anger out. I can avoid him like the plague. I can talk to him like a grown-up. Show him what a mature woman I’ve become. Who am I kidding, I’m going for total avoidance. I mean, this campus is huge. How often am I really going to see him?
After getting very little sleep the night before, I drag myself out of bed. All I could think about the entire night was what this means. What would possess this man to leave his family, attend a University he wasn’t even interested in going to, all just to come find a girl who is clearly very angry with him and for what? He didn’t want to get more serious. He wanted to take a break. He wanted distance. That last word lingers in my mind, replaying over and over. Distance. And now he’s here. I just don’t get it.
After taking my shower, I throw on my favorite pair of jeans with my cream colored sweater. I leave my hair down, sweeping down my back. I make sure to put make-up on just in case I run into him. I could have kicked myself when I looked in the mirror before bed. Absolutely zero make-up, hair up in a loose ponytail and sweats. I must have looked hideous. Not that I’m planning on seeing him today, but a girl should be prepared. I head across campus in the blistering Michigan winds. Damn, it’s cold. Winter is in full swing. I had to take a business class this semester, which I’m anticipating not liking. I get the importance of having balance for my degree, it’s just not the area I’m most interested in. Thank goodness Asher is in the class with me. He will help me pass. I hope.
I step into the heated building, shaking off the thin layer of snow from my jacket. Great, snow already. Then I think of sledding with Asher and that makes me smile. I find the classroom just as the clock hits 8:00. I really hate walking in late, even if it’s just a few seconds. I hope Asher saved me a seat. I walk in the room searching for my study partner and friend. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Vincent is sitting next to Asher in MY class. What the hell? I walk over slowly until Asher looks up, finally making eye contact. He can see the frustration in my eyes but just smiles and pats the seat on the other side of him.
“Morning Maggie.” The guys say in unison. Now that’s just creepy.
“Morning Asher.” I don’t even give Vince a second glance let alone acknowledge his hello.
The professor starts to lecture almost immediately after handing out the syllabus. I am taking notes, frantically trying to keep up. I almost forgot Vincent was so close, almost. I can see him out of the corner of my eye. He never takes his eyes off me. It’s making me uncomfortable. Shouldn’t he be paying attention? I mean, why come all this way just to fail your first class? I lean over as much as I can behind Asher and whisper to Vince.
“Will you stop staring at me? It’s annoying the hell out of me.”
“No.”
That’s it. That’s all he says. He is so…just…exasperating. I go back to my note taking, trying to focus while his eyes stay on me. This isn’t going to work. I’m going to have to change classes. I can’t be around him especially if he isn’t even going to attempt to listen. I will not be the reason he fails. After the professor ends his lecture, I hastily try to pack my things so I can get the hell out of there. No such luck.
“Maggie, can I please have a minute of your time? I know this isn’t the time or the place, but I was hoping we could meet later to talk. Please?”
“No.” There. Let’s see how he likes it.
“You are so damn stubborn.” But instead of hearing the frustration in his voice, I hear humor. I look up to catch his smile. Damn, I’ve missed that smile. It takes all my will power not to smile back because this feels familiar. It feels right. Like we fit together. He turns to Asher, which surprises me.
“Can I please get a copy of your notes? I had a hard time concentrating during class.”
“Sure. No problem. Here is my dorm number. I’m in Stockwell. You can come by tonight.”
“Small world. That’s where I got placed.”
“Oh, you have got to be kidding me!” I stomp out of the classroom like a 5-year-old, not bothering to look back. Asher catches up to me a few minutes later. We have almost the exact same schedule again this semester only this time we planned it that way.
“Maggie, try and calm down. I know it must have been a shock to see him sitting in our class but you can’t be mad about it. I don’t think he did it on purpose. How could he? He was just as surprised to see me as I was him. We got to talk for a few minutes before class and he actually seems like a nice guy.”
“What? Don’t start getting all buddy, buddy with him. He is not your friend. And by the way, you suck at being a fake boyfriend. A real boyfriend would never let the ex-boyfriend borrow notes.” I end my sentence with a huff.
“Since when did I agree to be your fake boyfriend?”
“Well, let’s see. When you put your arm around me last night and then refused to let Vince inside my apartment. If that wasn’t damaging enough, you did all of that right after I said you were my boyfriend.”
“Good point. I guess I will have to point out my error to Vince when I see him later.”
“Please don’t. Please just be my fake boyfriend. Please?” I say in the whiniest voice I can manufacture.
“Why? Why do you want him to think we are together?”
“Maybe if he can see that I’m unavailable, he will leave me alone.”
“Is that what you really want?”
“I don’t know. I just need time to process all of this. Will you please just help me? I know it’s asking a lot given our history but I kind of don’t have any other choice since I already announced you as my boyfriend.” I look up, begging like a pathetic puppy. I know it’s an awful plan. It’s a horrible thing to put Asher through. I really hate lying. But I need time. Time to think without Vincent trying to do whatever it is that he’s here to do.
“Fine. But this gig better come with perks or I’m out.” Uh oh. This can’t be good.
“What kind of perks?” Asher just laughs at me shaking his head back and forth.
“Get your head out of the gutter, Maggie. I would never force you to do something that would make you uncomfortable. I’m thinking more along the lines of coffee everyday followed up with an occasional donut.” His response makes me smile.
“I guess I can get on board with that. Now let’s get to our next class. Oh God, you don’t think he’s in all of them, do you?”
“No. I asked him why he was taking business and he said that’s his major. Unfortunately, the school of business is in the same building as marketing, so you will probably be running into him. A lot.”
“Well isn’t that just peachy. At least I don’t have to sit in the same room with him more than twice a week.”
The next day I stick to my strategy. Avoidance. Every time I see Vincent, I turn and head in the other direction or take a turn to cut through a different hallway. I have the advantage since I know this campus better than he does. My heart can’t help but twist slightly when I see the printed out schedule in his hands and the look of concentration as he tries to learn his way around. I want nothing more than to go over to him and help. It’s in my nature. That’s who I am. But every time I think about caving that one word pops in my head. Distance.
Wednesday morning goes pretty much the same as Monday did. I ignore Vincent, he stares the entire time, I leave immediately after class ends. I talked to my counselor but every other
time for this particular class was full. I have no choice but to stay. By the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I forgot how tiring classes can be after listening to lecture after lecture. I walk in the door, barely making it to the couch before collapsing.
“Hey roomie. Sorry I haven’t been home since we got back. Derek and I had some major catching up to do, if you get my drift.”
“Thanks for the visual.” I say into the couch cushion making my voice come out muffled.
“Sure thing. So what have you been up to? How was the drive back with Asher? Did he try to play grab ass again?” As much as Asher doesn’t remember the night they all got wasted, Heather never forgets a thing. She could see his hand sliding over to my thigh repeatedly in the car.
“The drive back was fine. He behaved himself. It’s what happened later that has me rethinking my college choice.”
“Can you please sit up and talk to me? I can barely understand you. What are you talking about?”
“Vincent Moreno, that’s what I’m talking about. Showing up here, unannounced, apparently taking classes at my college!” I don’t just sit up, I stand up waving my arms around like a crazy person.
“What in the world are you talking about?”
“Exactly. Imagine opening the front door to see your ex-boyfriend standing there proclaiming his enrollment in the school you’re attending. The school you picked to get as far away from him as possible. And to top it all off, he’s in one of my classes.”
“Wow. Why is he here? Did he tell you?”
“I’m avoiding him. He wants to talk but I won’t let him. By the way, Asher is my fake boyfriend so just play along. Okay?”
“What in the hell, Maggie? Do you know what you’re doing? Because it sure as hell doesn’t sound like it. You can’t ask Asher to pretend to be your boyfriend when he desperately wants it to be a reality. That isn’t fair to him.”
“I know. I’m a horrible, horrible person. But he was here when Vince showed up and I wanted to hurt him. So I said Asher was my boyfriend. If I take it back now, I will just look foolish. Plus, I’m hoping that it will detour Vince from trying to talk to me.”
“Yeah, and how’s that going?”
“Not great. He keeps wanting to explain. I keep avoiding him. And now Asher and him are getting all chummy. Sharing notes and crap.”
“Well, this is one fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into.”
“Tell me about it. So, can you play along? Please?”
“If Asher is okay with it then I guess I will help you. I don’t agree with it but you are my best friend. I would do anything for you. I just hope you know what you’re doing.”
That’s just the thing, I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no clue why I want Vince to think I’m with Asher other than to make him jealous. Maybe I just want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I know what I’m doing to Asher is wrong but my need to get back at Vince seems to be taking over all rational thought.
Chapter Eighteen
The next several days pass with successful avoidance on my part. There hasn’t been a need for running lately because I’ve racked up tons of miles taking new routes to class. I do everything I can to stay out of a routine in fear that Vincent will figure it out and trap me. He keeps coming by the apartment, at which time I hide in my bedroom like a coward. When Heather is home she brushes him off saying I’m out. I know he doesn’t buy it but what can he say. He would never call my roommate a liar. It’s just not the person he is.
We are two weeks into our business class and I’m struggling to keep up. Asher is trying to help me as much as he can, but even he hasn’t gotten a good grasp on the material. I do everything I can to ignore Vincent during the seventy five minute class but he makes it so damn hard. Asher isn’t helping matters by acknowledging everything Vince says. But I can’t get too mad because he has played his part well. He holds my hand when we walk into class together, or puts his arm around my shoulder as we leave, showing proof of our relationship. I’m glad we only see Vince once during the day because Asher and I haven’t had to take things any further. Our little public displays of affection are just enough to be deemed appropriate given our classroom setting.
“Hey, do you get this material? Because I can’t seem to understand some of the chapters.”
“Yeah, I actually had a course very similar in Ohio at the community college. Some of the material is even the same.” Although Vince is talking to Asher, he is looking directly at me. Real mature.
“Maybe we could get together some time to study. I could really use the help.”
“Sure. What about you Maggie? You need any help? You remember what a great study partner I can be, don’t you?” He says with a sly smile and a wink. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Reminding me of all the times we spent studying in his room or at my apartment. Bastard.
“I’m not having any trouble with the material. So, no thanks.” I say with heavy sarcasm.
“Well, then maybe you can help your boyfriend.” He is so damn cocky. Just another thing I missed about him. It takes everything in me not to give him a smirk. If I did, he would know he’s getting to me.
“Uhh…we don’t work well together.” Asher says with a nervous smile in my direction. Clearly he is clueless on how to handle Vincent. That’s okay. I got this.
“I just don’t have the time right now. I have a full class load and besides, anytime we get together to study, we don’t really get much studying done. If you catch my drift, Slick.” I walk out the door cussing under my breath. Damn him for getting to me. For making me call him that. I haven’t uttered that nickname in so long. He is just so…so…ugh. I can’t even think straight.
By the end of the day my head is still jumbled up with thoughts of Vincent. His smug attitude today in class isn’t helping matters. I decide it’s time for a good workout. Since it’s too cold out to run and I hate using a treadmill, I hit the indoor swimming pool on campus. To my surprise, it’s empty. Even better. The water has a way of soothing me. Of making me forget everything else.
I dive into the deep end with my goggles securely placed over my eyes and speedo swim cap holding my hair out of my face. Once I reach the surface, I begin a steady pace. One, two, three…breathe. One, two, three…breathe. After a few laps of warming up, I pick up the pace. Each time I reach the end, I do my flip underwater and kick off the wall of the pool. I get a small rush every time I complete this routine maneuver. It builds my confidence up knowing that I’m actually good at something. I push harder and harder until I can feel my muscles starting to burn as my breaths become more labored. I gradually slow down, moving into a more rhythmic pace. Being in the water is like nothing else in this world to me. I didn’t realize how much I missed it. The almost weightless feeling, almost like floating on air, is relaxing. The steady breathing allows my body time to decompress while the quiet of being just under the surface makes my mind numb. Turning off the outside world and existing in this bubble.
Once I reach the end of the pool, I hold onto the edge while stretching my legs beneath the water. I notice something move out of my peripheral vision just to the right of me. When I glance over, the reason I wanted to escape reality happens to be sitting in a chair watching me.
“God, I love to watch you swim. You are so elegant. So beautiful.”
“Don’t. Just don’t Vince. You can’t just show up here after a year and a half thinking I’m going to open my arms and forgive what you did to me. Life doesn’t work that way. How did you even know where I would be?” I pull myself out of the water using my upper body strength, getting high enough so I can place my foot on the surface of the side of the pool. I stand up pulling my goggles and cap off before grabbing my towel.
“I know you better than you think. I know this is the one place you come to clear your head. Maggie, please just let me explain.” How can I resist him when he’s begging me, looking so distraught?
“Fine. You want to explain? You have two minutes.” I look u
p at the clock on the wall making sure to mark his time. He will not get a second more.
“Really?” He seems surprised that I caved so quickly. If he only knew how hard it is to resist him.
“Tick toc, Slick.”
“Okay. Umm…let me start at the beginning. Or rather the ending for us. I didn’t want to see you throw your life away on me. I knew how much you wanted to get out of Milford and away from your mother. How could I let you stay because of me? I didn’t think I could leave, Maggie. And I didn’t think I was worth staying for. I thought my mother and brother needed me. After I realized that you were gone, everything changed. I started looking into school, I hired Tommy full time to help with my business, and my mom had a heart to heart with me. She told me it wasn’t my responsibility to look after her and Joey. That I needed to live my life. I’ve done everything humanly possible to get to you. Because you’re all the matters.”
“Too little, too late. You ripped my heart out. After everything I went through with my mother, I couldn’t believe the one person I trusted let me down. Don’t you get it? How can I ever trust you again? What’s to stop you from giving up now and going back to Milford? How can I ever think that you will stay with me?”
“Maggie, I swear to you, I’m not going anywhere. I learned my lesson. I should have never let you go. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I’m here for good. Even if that means only being friends. I want you in my life, no matter what. I will earn your trust back. I promise.”
I can’t listen to anymore. I turn away so he can’t see the tear forming at the corner of my eye. I will not cry. I will not shed another tear for him. I wipe it away before it can fall down my cheek. I walk away from the only man I have ever loved.
Once I get back to the empty apartment, I call Amanda. Heather is apparently with Derek otherwise I would turn to her for advice. She has been spending more and more time with him which means I see her less and less.
“Hey. Are you going to start yelling again?”
Sublime Resistance Page 14