“I’m sorry. I can’t say that enough. What I did to you was wrong. The sad part is, in that moment, it didn’t feel fake or forced. If I had met you first or if Vince hadn’t shown back up in my life, then maybe…”
“Don’t Maggie. I should have known better. I could see it in your eyes that first night he showed up here. You have never looked at me the way you looked at him. As much as I hurt right now, it doesn’t even compare to the hurt I saw on his face tonight. I’ve watched him from the beginning. He loves you, Maggie. It pains me to say this, but you belong together. I can see that now. You could have never given me your heart. I didn’t understand that the first time you said those words to me but I get it now.”
“I can’t. I can’t go back in time and fix things. Not with Vincent and not with you. Please tell me you can forgive me for tonight? For everything?”
“I need some time.”
“I understand.”
“Maggie?”
“Yeah?”
“You need to forgive him. Not for him but for you. It’s going to destroy you if you don’t figure this out. Either be with him or don’t but you have to learn to forgive.”
He walks out the door without another word. I’m left in a haze, still fuzzy from the alcohol. I go lie down in my bed hoping for some clarity. I wonder what Vincent will be like Monday morning. Maybe I finally did what I set out to do from the start. Maybe I finally pushed him away.
Chapter Twenty
After explaining everything to Heather the next morning, she said almost the exact same thing Asher did. That I have to figure out what I want. Easier said than done. I take off to the indoor pool, hoping for some great epiphany to hit me while swimming laps. With everything on my mind, I need a break. Just a minute to regain some sort of sense of who I am, what I need in my life.
The water is just warm enough that I don’t shiver when I submerge myself in the depths of its comfort. I don’t over analyze why this is my safe place. Why this is the only place I’ve ever felt peace. Of course, that was until I met Vincent. He gave me peace. Made me feel safe. Then he shattered the belief I had built up in him. The belief that someone could love me for me. All of me. He had no right to make decisions for me. It wasn’t his place to decide if I should stay in Milford, if I could stay and deal with my mother.
I blame her for all of this. She ruined me. Ruined any chance I had at having a normal, healthy relationship with a man. My trust issues run deep. Deeper than I ever thought. It’s the reason I can’t seem to forgive Vincent. How can I when he destroyed the faith I had in us? I thought that for once in my life, I had found the person who understood me. A person that really knew me. But he didn’t know me at all because if he did, he would have known what his actions would do to me.
Dammit. Now I can’t even clear my head in the water. The one place I’ve always been able to let go, he just stole from me. My anger starts to come out through my strokes. Fueling me to push harder than I ever have before. By the time my body collapses against the edge of the pool, three hours have passed. My fingers are all pruney from being in the water so long. Well, that’s attractive Maggie.
I practically crawl out of the Olympic size pool, drying off quickly because the air feels cold against my damp skin. I’m going to feel every lap in the morning. I head to the locker room to change, pulling my cap off and throwing it into my gym bag. After washing away the chlorine, I head back to my apartment. Heather is gone again, she left a note explaining that Derek came back into town early. I head back to my room and decide maybe it’s time to face the past.
I reach high into my closet, feeling around for the small box that holds my most prized possession. The lid falls off when I bring it down to eye level allowing me to look at the beautiful locket that has been locked away for so long. I pull out the heart shaped necklace that Vince gave me the night after graduation. I still remember every tiny detail about that night. Every kiss on my body from his warm lips. Every soft caress we shared, exploring each other entirely. I miss him so much and he’s right here. I wish I could decide what’s right. I wish I knew the answers.
I really wish I could talk to my Dad. I mean, he’s a guy. Don’t they all kind of think alike? I wish he could give me the answers I so desperately need. But he was stolen from my life so long ago. I wish he could see me now. Off at college, making something of myself. I would totally leave out the part about screwing up my personal life beyond repair. I just wish I could see him one more time. Talk to him one more time.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, the sun is shining brightly in my eyes. I try to turn over but my body is so sore from my over exuberant workout yesterday that I can barely move. That’s just fantastic. My mind is already in shambles, why not add my body to the mix. I slowly make my way to the living room and spend the rest of the day studying. I get about half way through with one of my papers that was assigned on Friday before moving onto business class. I really need help with this subject. But I can’t ask Asher and I don’t want to ask Vince. I decide to send the professor an email asking if he offers any tutoring or maybe he knows of a study group I could join.
Monday morning comes way too fast. I need more time. I still don’t have a clue what I’m going to do about Vince. I’m also extremely nervous to see Asher. I really don’t want to lose his friendship and I’m so worried that I just pushed him away without meaning to. I walk into class with very low expectations. I see Asher but I don’t see Vince. I wonder where he is. Focus. You have to focus Maggie.
“Hey. Are you speaking to me yet? Or should I move seats?”
“Hey, Maggie. You can sit wherever you want. I’m still pretty upset with you but I’ll get over it. Just give me a little more time.”
“I understand.” I sink into my seat with a tiny bit of relief. At least he said he could get over it. That gives me hope that maybe I didn’t completely destroy our friendship. As the clock ticks by, Vince doesn’t show up. I start to worry because this isn’t like him. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. Asher never looks in my direction or says another word to me the rest of class. I really screwed things up.
After we get dismissed, I decide to give Amanda a quick call. I have about 20 minutes before my next class. Which should give me just enough time to find out what’s going on with Vince.
“Hey girl. Have you heard from Vince? He didn’t show up to class and we sort of had an incident Friday night.”
“Yeah, I heard all about the make out session at the bar. What in the hell got into you?”
“I don’t know. No, that’s not true. I do know. Vincent Moreno that’s what. He kept pushing my buttons, standing too close, saying sweet things to me, right in front of Asher.”
“No! Not in front of your fake boyfriend. How dare he?” She says in mock horror.
“It’s not funny. I really messed up. I did it to piss him off but instead I just made both of them mad at me. Anyway, I didn’t call to talk about all that, do you know where he is?”
“Sorry. I have no clue. All I know is that he called Tommy in a rage. Like for real. I’ve never heard someone yell so much. I think he was saying something about coming home but Tommy talked him out of it. I mean, from what I could hear. I think you need to talk to him.”
“I know. But what am I supposed to say?”
“How am I supposed to know? You have to figure this out on your own.”
“Thanks. I guess. What did I call you for again? Because you have been zero help.”
“I try. I really do. Now go fix your life.”
“Whatever. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I hang up the phone feeling almost worse than before I called Amanda. I would hate to have pushed Vince away so much that he would contemplate leaving after everything it took him to get here. I glance down at my phone realizing I’m about to be late. I rush off to class with Vince lingering in the back of my mind the rest of the day.
Everything is like a blur. I think I took
notes in the last class but I can’t be sure. I know I didn’t absorb a single topic. I was so wrapped up in thoughts of Vince, I barely noticed the cold shoulder I got from Asher the rest of the day. I just kept racking my brain for where Vince could be. Looking for him is out of the question. Then he would know the affect he’s having on me. Just then my phone dings. It’s a text from Asher.
Vince is fine. I saw him
in the dorms studying. I
knew you were worried
about him.
I don’t deserve a friend like Asher. I have been horrible to him. I hope he takes my peace offering because I honestly don’t know what to do without him right now.
Thank you. Are you up
for pizza at my place?
There is a long pause before my phone lights up in my hand.
Sure. See you at 7
That takes some of the pressure off my shoulders. If I can make up with Asher then maybe I can concentrate on the bigger issue. You know, just the rest of my life. What do people do when they don’t have incredible friends to help them through the hard parts or even the good parts? I guess I never gave that much thought when it came to my mother. She never really had any friends around. It was always some guy that never lasted. Maybe she wouldn’t have been so awful if she had someone to help her along the way. Thinking about her and friends in the same thought brings back the memory of the first time Amanda saw her hit me.
I was getting ready for school one morning, right around fifth grade, when Amanda came to the front door to walk to school together. She knocked so loud it woke my mother up. I was terrified of what she was going to do to Amanda. She came barreling out of her bedroom yelling about all the racket. I stopped her from getting to the front of the house by blocking her way. I immediately started apologizing saying that I accidentally slammed a door. She slapped me right across the face with a force so powerful, it knocked me to the floor.
“Try to be more respectful of your mother next time. You know better than to slam doors around here. Now get up and get your ass to school.”
She stormed back to her room without ever looking back. And I will never forget Amanda’s face when she saw me lying on the floor. It was pure agony. I slowly pulled myself up, grabbing my backpack as I ran out the front door and down the street. When Amanda caught up to me she didn’t say a word. She knew there was nothing to be said. I didn’t want her pity or her sorrow for my life. I just wanted her friendship. That’s why I love her so much. She totally gets me. That’s why I wish more than anything that she could tell me what to do right now. But she can’t. No one can. I have to figure this one out all on my own.
Asher finally shows up at my apartment around 7:30 that night. He is never late so I thought he bailed on me. The pizza box is sitting on the counter, unopened. I didn’t have much of an appetite when I thought he ditched me.
“Hey.” I open the door slowly, unsure of what his reaction is going to be.
“Hey Maggie. Sorry I’m late. I almost didn’t come but then I didn’t think that would be fair to you. I always stick to my word and I said I would be here.”
“Thanks for coming. It really means a lot. Come in. Do you want some pizza?”
“I don’t think I’m going to stay long. I just didn’t want to be a no show.”
“You could have just texted me if you didn’t plan on staying.” I can’t help the hurt that comes through my voice.”
“Look, I said I would come, so I did. Let’s talk and get this over with.”
“Get this over with? As in you don’t want to be friends anymore?”
“I don’t know what I want. I’m not sure I can be around you without thinking about that kiss. It pisses me off but at the same time, it was one of the best moments of my life. I’ve never felt this connected to a girl before. But you don’t share that same feeling. Not with me anyway.”
“Asher, I’m sorry. I never wanted things to be this way. I went down a path that I knew would end in heartache for at least one of us. Somehow I think I managed to ruin all of us.”
“Maggie, it’s not too late for you and Vince. If you would stop being so damn stubborn and hear him out maybe you could find it in your heart to forgive him and move forward. I’m not saying you will end up together, but you have got to let go or you will never have a life outside of your past. You aren’t the only to blame anyway. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I agreed to pretend to be in a relationship with you. That doesn’t mean you are off the hook, it just means I share some of the responsibility.”
“Asher, you are simply amazing. Even after everything I put you through, you are still standing here trying to help me. I wish more than anything that I could have chosen you.”
“Please don’t say that. It only makes this harder.”
“So are you saying we’re done?”
“I just don’t know. Just give me some time. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Chapter Twenty-One
I jump out of bed in a hurry. It’s Wednesday morning and I have to get to class. I need Vince to be there so I can stop obsessing about him. I can’t concentrate on anything school related knowing that I’m the cause of his absence. I throw on the first thing I see, pull my hair up and brush my teeth while packing up my bag. I’m just about to make a mad dash out the door, when Heather walks out into the hall.
“What’s the rush? It’s not even 7:15. I thought your class didn’t start until 8?”
“It doesn’t. I just want to be early.”
“Yeah right. What’s really going on Maggie?”
“Fine. You want to know? I’ll tell you. I screw up everything I touch. I was in this great relationship with Vince and I somehow managed to mess it up with my crazy ambition and pushy attitude. Then I meet Asher, who is one of the best guys I’ve ever known. And what do I manage to do? I push him away by pretending to give him something he has wanted from the very beginning. My mother was right, I’m nothing but a pathetic, selfish brat.” I started out my rant at full volume but somehow ended it in a whisper.
“Oh Maggie. She really did a number on you. This isn’t your fault. Well, not all of it anyway. Look, Asher knew what he was doing. He is a grown man that took advantage of the situation. And Vince, well he has his own issues. Just because he did something that he thought was best for you doesn’t make it your fault. It’s completely normal that you wanted to go to college and that you wanted your boyfriend to come with you. So stop blaming yourself. You didn’t screw up with Vince. He did. And Asher, well, you two will figure it out.”
“Thanks. I needed that. I miss you. I wish you were home more.”
“Your wish is my command. Derek broke up with me last night.”
“What? Oh Heather. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. Really. I saw the end coming. He started getting more and more distant and I finally found out why. Apparently I wasn’t the only intern he was screwing.”
“No way. Are you serious?”
“Apparently he does this every year with the fresh girl in the office. I’m not so fresh anymore.”
“That’s awful. What a jackass. You want me to hunt him down and chop his balls off?”
“As much as I want to say yes, I don’t think prison is the place for you.” We start laughing as we try to picture the two of us walking up to Derek to dismember him.
“I hope they fire his ass. You should file a complaint.”
“Why? I knew what I was doing. I went into it with my eyes wide open. As much as we want to blame others, sometimes there isn’t really anyone to blame. Now, get to class. Because after wasting time with girl talk you might really be late.”
“Oh crap. Thanks Heather. I guess I will see you tonight.”
“I’ll be here.”
I rush out the door noticing I have exactly ten minutes to get across campus to my class. I don’t think I’ve ever ran so fast in my life. I get to the room just as the professor starts his lecture. I bend down trying not
to cause a disturbance as I hurry across the room to my seat. I can’t help the small smile when I see Vince sitting in his seat. Asher gives me his most sympathetic look because he knows how much I hate being late. I try really hard not to look at Vince during class but I can’t help it. I can’t get a gauge for what he might be thinking right now. I blow out a huge sigh of relief when class lets out ten minutes early. Asher quickly grabs his things and leaves.
“Your boyfriend isn’t sticking around to walk you to class?” I hear the bitterness in his voice seeping out.
“He isn’t my boyfriend. But you already knew that.”
“Did I? Because I didn’t think you would shove your tongue down some random guy’s mouth but I guess I could be wrong.”
“That isn’t fair and you know it. You have no right to be angry at me. You broke up with me, remember?”
“Actually, I didn’t. If you recall, I wanted to try a long distance relationship.”
“And I said no. That’s when you ended things. I’m not going to stand here arguing with you in the middle of class.”
“Since you refuse to talk to me any other time, this will have to work. I can’t believe you did that to me. Seeing you all over Asher like some cheap floozy was so degrading.”
I walk right up to him and slap his face so hard my hand stings. He doesn’t move a muscle but I see the regret in his eyes. The remorse for saying something so awful to me. As much as I want to cry, I will not allow myself to fall apart. Not here, not now. I know he can see the hurt in my eyes. I turn and leave without another word.
Given the fact that I’m an absolute mess, I decide to take the rest of the day off. I wish the weather was nicer so I could enjoy being outside in the fresh air. But unfortunately the seasons are not on the same cycle as my love life or lack thereof. So I opt for a movie and tons of ice cream. Just as I’m about to start my third movie, my cell rings. It’s Martina. Again. She has been trying to call me ever since Vincent showed up almost two months ago. I guess it’s time to face the music.
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