TBH, You Know What I Mean

by Lisa Greenwald

Wouldn’t that be so fun

  CECILY

  Ya

  GABRIELLE

  This could be great

  PRIANKA

  Hiiii

  Sorry just seeing this

  I was knee deep in poetry month stuff

  CECILY

  How is that going

  PRIANKA

  So great

  What did u guys think of poem in your pocket day

  VICTORIA

  I loved it

  And everyone was so into the Shel Silverstein one I brought in

  VICTORIA

  Not everyone knew it

  PRIANKA

  So cool

  CECILY

  I gtg but I luv the pool day idea

  GABRIELLE

  I’ll help plan it with u, Vic

  After all the craziness lately I feel like I need something chill

  VICTORIA

  Sounds great

  PRIANKA

  Bye, guys

  Get excited to write poems in sidewalk chalk tomorrow!!!!!!!!!

  Cecily, Mara

  CECILY

  Hi

  Can u talk

  I feel like you’re ignoring me

  I’d love to chat with you

  Dear Mara,

  First of all, I want to apologize. What I did wasn’t right. I know I made a commitment and I know I let you down. I know all of that. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying it was something I needed to do. I feel like sometimes in life we have to make choices, and they’re not always the popular ones. And that’s what happened to me in this case. I just had this anxious feeling that this summer program wasn’t the right thing. I kept trying to convince myself that it would be okay but ultimately I had a terrible feeling about it. I’m so sorry. You have a right to be mad at me but I just wish we could talk about it. Is there any chance you’ll discuss it with me? We could go for a walk if that makes it easier. That’s really all I ask. Please hear me out.

  Love, Cecily

  d Just had a brainstorm. What if we started a poetry camp for the elementary school kids? Wouldn’t that be awesome?! Prob can’t do it for this summer, but for next summer . . .

  Really? Could we do that?

  I think we could! Let’s talk to someone. I feel like I eat, sleep, breathe poetry! Also I just want to start things & make a difference & heal the world! HEAL THE WORLD THROUGH POETRY!! :) :)

  I love it!

  Prianka, Gabrielle

  PRIANKA

  Sooooo excited for shopping day today

  I really want something sparkly

  Do u have any idea what u want

  GABRIELLE

  Hmmm

  Tbh I have been too stressed to think about it

  This whole thing with the ADD evaluation

  I haven’t told many people about it but I am overwhelmed

  PRIANKA

  Oh, Gabs

  What can I do to help u

  GABRIELLE

  IDK

  But thank u

  See u soon

  Cecily,

  Thanks for your note. I’m still really disappointed but I understand that you had to make this decision even if I don’t like it at all. Don’t worry—our friendship isn’t over. And we’ll always be neighbors anyway. :) Well, until college. :)

  Love, Mara

  Dear Journal,

  I’m about to go shopping with Prianka and moms and I just can’t believe the timing of this evaluation. I guess I was happier when I didn’t know the results or didn’t have the results. Now that I do know them, I feel all weird. I have ADD but it’s sometimes called ADHD. The kind I have isn’t so hyper though. It’s confusing, this disorder. It’s why I often feel like I can’t focus and things are all over the place. I zone out when people talk and I have trouble paying attention in class. I guess it’s good to know, but it’s also scary. What can I even do with this information? I just want to go shopping and find a fun dress for Hannah’s bat mitzvah but I can’t even be excited about that. There’s too much stress surrounding the event anyway and now this. UGH. I just want to get back into bed and bury my head under the pillow.

  Love, Gabs

  Prianka, Gabrielle

  PRIANKA

  Omg my mom is vetoing every dress

  GABRIELLE

  Haha yeah why is she so stressed

  PRIANKA

  IDK

  She hates when there is too much exposed skin

  GABRIELLE

  LOL

  I think my mom just wants to find something here and go home

  Is ur mom in the dressing room w/ u

  PRIANKA

  No outside

  Yours

  GABRIELLE

  Yes

  Ugh

  She looks annoyed

  PRIANKA

  I wish we could’ve gone shopping on our own

  GABRIELLE

  Same

  Ok put down phone & try on & come show me & I’ll do the same

  PRIANKA

  K

  Prianka, Gabrielle

  PRIANKA

  TBH I’m glad that experience is behind us

  Omg Mama Basak

  GABRIELLE

  Haha same

  PRIANKA

  I’m happy with the dress but I just wanted 2 be done

  GABRIELLE

  Haha same (again)

  PRIANKA

  Talk later, Gabs Love u

  GABRIELLE

  Mwah

  Hi, Mom,

  I couldn’t find our mom/daughter journal but this piece of paper is just as good. I wondered if you and Dad have given any more thought to the El Salvador program. The more I think about it, the more I want to do it. I really feel a need to be on my own. If I get in, it’s all free of charge. Let me know if I should apply. It’s really late but they told me when I called there’s still time to apply for a scholarship.

  Love, Cecily

  Cecily,

  Dad and I think it’s a great idea. Let’s go over the forms tonight. Have a good day.

  I love you so much . . .

  Mom

  Dear Mara,

  I know I hurt you and I want to apologize for letting you down. Deep in my heart, I truly feel that I am making the right decision. However, I know I broke a promise to you and that makes me feel terrible. Please know how sorry I am.

  Love, Cecily

  Dear Vic,

  We’ve had our ups and downs but I know I really feel we’ve had more ups than downs, and for that reason, I am so sorry I upset you about the summer trip. I just had to do something different and I hope you understand. You can be angry at me, I get it. I just want you to know I am truly sorry.

  Love, Cece

  Cece!

  I totally get it. Honestly. TBH, I’m okay with it, too. Mara, Mae & I are still going & Mae and I have gotten super close over text. I feel like it’s okay. For the first time in forever I honestly feel okay. I am not even that sad about the bat mitzvah thing anymore. I have made peace with it. I am excited about the summer plans. I feel good. So please don’t worry. K?

  Love, VM

  From: Prianka Basak

  To: Gabrielle Katz, Victoria Melford, Cecily Anderson

  Subject: RE: MY HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL

  Hi! I’m replying for all of us since we’re all in comp lab right now. WE WILL BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  LOVE FOREVS!

  Pri

  From: Cecily Anderson

  To: Prianka Basak, Gabrielle Katz, Victoria Melford

  Subject: MY HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL

  Hi, guys—

  I am just sitting here in study hall and realizing that there is a major disconnect going on. We’re all bogged down. But let’s de-bog ourselves! I want to have a quality hang sesh at my house after school. Just come, we’ll do homework and snack and talk and chill and RECONNECT. OKAY? I know you’re all free today so don’t make up an excuse. We can’t wait for the pool day to really bond. WE
NEED TO DO IT NOW.

  XOXO Cece

  Ivy, Gabrielle

  IVY

  Are u coming to the reunion

  I didn’t see u on the RSVP list

  GABRIELLE

  No I can’t make it

  I feel too overwhelmed

  GABRIELLE

  Plus there’s a big bat mitzvah here that day and I need to get ready

  It’s really fancccyyyyyy

  IVY

  Oh

  I’ll miss u

  GABRIELLE

  Same

  But I’ll see u sooooo sooooon

  And guess what

  I can do summer school at the end of the summer & still come to first session of camp

  My parents discussed it and they don’t want me to miss all of camp

  IVY

  OMG that is such great news

  GABRIELLE

  IK

  I am so happy

  IVY

  We are going to have the best time

  Still wish u were coming to the reunion tho

  IK same

  But why do we need a reunion so close to summer

  IVY

  Good point

  I guess they want everyone to get excited about it

  GABRIELLE

  Prob yeah

  Makes sense

  IVY

  Do u want me to spy on Eli for u

  GABRIELLE

  Hahahah what

  IVY

  Ya know

  GABRIELLE

  No not really

  IVY

  To see if he says anything about u

  GABRIELLE

  Oh haha

  That’s not really spying

  IVY

  U know what I mean

  GABRIELLE

  Yeah but no thanx

  I’m good

  IVY

  U don’t like him

  GABRIELLE

  IDK

  Too stressed to focus on boys rn

  IVY

  K

  Love u, Gabs

  GABRIELLE

  Love u 2

  Hi, guys. So I know we’re doing another one of these sit in a circle and write to each other things but it’s very important. Do you see why? Have any of you noticed something significant going on with this notebook?

  Ummmm??? Cleary Pri is just as oblivious here as I am, Cece! jk, Pri!

  XOXOX Gabs

  Um, same here, Pri. Confused Victoria as usual . . .

  Guys! We only have a few pages left! We are finishing this notebook . . .like, today, probably!!! We need to finish it off on the right foot, or, um, page or whatever. LOL

  So what should we do??

  Confess our undying love for each other, obviously. DUH!

  Maybe we each write a reflection on life and the notebook and how we’ve changed since we started it?

  Um, yeah, for real. I mean, I wasn’t even part of it when you guys started it. This notebook has been kinda life changing for me.

  LOL, drama queen Vic. But okay. All good ideas.

  You go first, Cece. Since you’re the only who noticed we’re nearing the very end of this beautiful collection of paper.

  So poetic, Pri. Obv you need to write a poem for your reflection.

  Got it. Will do.

  I can’t be the one to start. I’m feeling too emotional over here.

  I’ll do it. But give me a few minutes to collect my thoughts. Talk amongst yourselves. Hahahahahahahaha

  Pri’s Reflections

  Isn’t it strange how you can find a notebook at a store

  And it can turn into anything at all

  This notebook could have been something so boring

  Used for taking notes in class

  Or a plumber writing down what plumbing work he had to do

  Or a person writing grocery lists

  Or who even knows what

  But when Cece got this notebook

  It became something magical

  All of these thoughts and conversations

  All of our feelings

  Right there on the page

  I’m so glad this notebook is ours

  Such a simple thing really

  And yet it connected us to one another

  Do we start another one?

  That’s what I want to know.

  I have to say that I feel like a completely different person from when we started this notebook. The ADHD diagnosis feels like a really big deal. I never knew I was struggling with a real thing. I just thought I was easily distracted. I want to thank you guys for being so supportive and amazing. For standing by me when I wasn’t the best version of myself or the best friend to all of you. I am really grateful. I love you guys. Thank you for giving me the space to make new friends while also welcoming me back.

  First of all, can we please discuss how much I have evolved? I didn’t even really freak when Cece changed her summer plans. And I got over the Hannah F bat mitzvah sadness really fast. I kind of think I evolved and changed the most out of all of us. I don’t want to start a fight or anything but think about it. You may agree with me?

  Okay, not having a debate about who has changed the most. We all have, duh. Also, did you guys know people change the most in the three years of middle school more than any other time in their lives (except for newborn babies to two years old)? Crazy, right?

  Very crazy, Pri. Love all of your scientific knowledge.

  So what do we do with that info? Where does that leave us?

  Very deep, Cece. Here’s the deal, guys. I’ve narrowed it down. We can change all we want and our friendships will, too, but the heart and soul of it all will remain the same

  You should read that at the poetry jam, Gabs!!!!

  Ooooh, maybe I will!

  Here’s how I break it down: We may be apart this summer and apart in some classes and apart during various times in our lives, and we may feel distant from each other when things like Hannah F’s bat mitzvah come around. And the thing is, eventually we’ll be apart more than we’re together. But here’s the deal (and I think one of you told me this but I don’t remember who, sorry) . . .

  TBH, we’re always gonna be apart but still together.

  Forever and ever and ever . . .

  Glossary

  2 to

  2gether together

  2morrow tomorrow

  4 for

  4eva forever

  4get forget

  any1 anyone

  awk awkward

  bc because

  BFF best friends forever

  BFFAE best friends forever and ever

  BI Block Island

  BNF best neighbors forever

  b-room bathroom

  b/t between

  c see

  caf cafeteria

  comm committee

  COMO crying over missing out

  comp computer

  deets details

  def definitely

  DEK don’t even know

  diff different

  disc discussion

  emo emotional

  every1 everyone

  fab fabulous

  fabolicious extra fabulous

  fac faculty

  fave favorite

  Fla Florida

  FOMO fear of missing out

  fone phone

  FYI for your information

  gd god

  gg gotta go

  gma grandma

  gn good night

  gnight good night

  gr8 great

  gtg got to go

  hw homework

  ICB I can’t believe

  IDC I don’t care

  IDEK I don’t even know

  IDK I don’t know

  IHNC I have no clue

  IK I know

  IKWYM I know what you mean

  ILY I love you

  ILYSM I love you so much

  JK just kidding

  K OK

  KIA
know-it-all

  KWIM know what I mean

  l8r later

  LMK let me know

  LOL laugh out loud

  luv love

  n e way anyway

  NM nothing much

  nums numbers

  nvm never mind

  obv obviously

  obvi obviously

  obvs obviously

  OMG oh my God

  ooc out of control

  PBFF poetry best friend forever

  peeps people

  perf perfect

  pgs pages

  plzzzz please

  pos possibly

  q question

  r are/our

  ridic ridiculous

  rlly really

  RN right now

  sci science

  sec second

  sem semester

  scheds schedules

  shud should

  some1 someone

  SWAK sealed with a kiss

  TBH to be honest

  thx thanks

  tm tomorrow

  TMI too much information

  tmrw tomorrow

  tomrw tomorrow

  tomw tomorrow

  totes totally

  ttyl talk to you later

  u you

  ur your; you’re

  urself yourself

  vv very, very

  w/ with

  wb write back

  whatev whatever

  WIGO what is going on

  wknd weekend

  w/o without

  WTH what the heck

  wud would

  wut what

  wuzzzz what’s

  Y why

  Acknowledgments

  & to my incredible editor, Maria Barbo, who believed in the TBH from the beginning. I cannot ever thank you enough! for Alyssa Eisner Henkin, dream agent who has been by my side for close to 13 years. for Alice @ Trident and for the fabulous KT books team: Katherine, Stephanie, Camille, Liz, Mark, Molly, Amy, Kristen, Sam, & Vaishali. for my BWL crew, my loves Dave, Aleah, and Hazel and of course all of the TBH fans. Keep reading!!! xoxoxoxox

  About the Author

  Photo by Peter Dressel

  LISA GREENWALD lives in NYC w/ her husband & 2 young daughters . She s: & . Summer is her favorite season . Visit her @ www.lisagreenwald.com.

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