Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  “So basically, your entire teaching career is because of me.” He let out a deep, throaty laugh. I instantly felt the blood rushing to my cheeks.

  “You definitely help me survive it. I am forever in your debt.”

  “I’ll hold you to that.” I smiled at him, unable to contain the intense joy that leapt around my belly. He leaned closer to me and rested his fingers against my cheek. Electricity jolted through my body from his touch. He leaned his head sideways as if he were contemplating something else, but then dropped his hand and stood up.

  “I can begin paying off this debt by offering you a ride home, if you’d like?” I was still breathless from the reaction my body had from his hand. I managed to move my head in a motion that somewhat resembled a nod, and he laughed again. “Let me close up and then we’ll head out of here.” He walked towards the door and pushed it open, smiling at me as he did so.

  My body was a live wire the moment the door latched shut. I forced myself to remain seated, despite the want to stand up and begin dancing. Although it wasn’t what I had been looking for, it was still a step in the right direction. Perhaps this entire situation was not based on my own delusions. Maybe, in some strange and confusing way, Nick Foster saw me as more than a fleeting student, or a replaceable employee. The thought nearly sent me overboard.

  Once the last light switch was turned off, we made our way to the car. The air was cool, reminding us that fall had finally arrived. The sky was sprinkled with stars, displaying a purple hue above the old, flickering streetlamp that Nick’s car sat under. Dead leaves scattered themselves throughout the parking lot, sending echoes through the air as our shoes stepped on top of them. I could faintly see my breath in front of me, despite my boiling hot skin. I had never been inside of Nick’s car. He hit his key fob twice and his car beeped on command. He hurried over to the passenger door and held it open for me, smiling widely as he did so. I quickly looked down at the black pavement, too nervous to say anything other than, “Thanks.”

  The smell of him instantly hit my nostrils with a force so blunt it almost knocked me against the window. I had never smelled anything so utterly delightful in my life. I breathed in harder, attempting to savor the scent for as long as I could. Nick’s door soon creaked open, sending me back to reality. Instants later we were on the road, making our way to my home.

  “Favorite holiday?” I asked in attempts to break the silence. The tension was heavy enough to crush us both.

  “Daylight savings.” He answered immediately. I raised an eyebrow in his direction, expecting him to laugh. He didn’t.

  “Daylight savings? That’s not a holiday, Nick. That’s…I don’t even know what category that falls into. A chore, maybe?”

  “Getting an extra hour of sleep is definitely a holiday,” he began. “And losing an hour of sleep is just…Torture.” I laughed again. “Maybe that’s why I like it so much.”

  “So, what? You’re a masochist?” This time he let out a shockingly loud chuckle. It became my new favorite noise. “You enjoy being tortured?” He scratched the stubble on his chin before smiling again.

  “It’s not that I enjoy torture. I just…Sometimes it’s refreshing to remember that all good things come to an end. You can look forward to an extra hour of sleep, but it doesn’t mean that you won’t lose it again in the future.” He paused for a moment and then let out a weary laugh.

  “I’m confused.”

  “Ignore me, Hayley. I’m rambling.” I wanted to understand what he was saying, but it seemed as if he was also confused with what he had just said. Instead of pressing on, I turned the volume up on his radio. I recognized the song but had only heard it once or twice. It was Fallingforyou by The 1975. It was disgustingly ironic. “This is a great song,” Nick whispered to himself.

  I leaned my head against the seat and looked up at the sky through his panoramic sunroof. The lyrics poured through the speakers like melted butter, saturating my brain instantly. I could feel Nick’s gaze bounce from me, to the road, and back to me. Time fell into sync with the song, as did my heartbeat. I closed my eyes and breathed in the cool autumn air, allowing it to take over my senses. I felt as if we were the only two people left in the entire city of Denver, driving aimlessly down an old road illuminated by nothing more than headlights and the night sky.

  Don’t you see me?

  I shuddered at the lyrics as they swam through my head.

  As if on cue, Nick gently rested his hand on my leg. He kept his eyes on the road while mine were on the details of him. His hands were big, yet gentle. His skin was the color of golden honey and his veins stuck out like branches on a tree. His thumb stroked the fabric of my jeans, right above my kneecap. I could feel my breath coming out in shaky gasps despite my attempts to regulate it. Luckily, the music was too loud for him to hear. I watched as a tiny smile tugged the corner of his mouth and I couldn’t help but smile with him. I had never felt as relaxed yet anxious as I had in that moment.

  Nick quietly sang along to the song and I intently watched as each word escaped his lips. If my life were a movie, this would be the soundtrack. This moment, this very pivotal moment, would have been the rising action to the impending climax that our future held. I desperately wanted to press fast forward, but I knew that it would come with time.

  The song ended as he approached the bottom of my driveway. He gently moved his hand from my leg, put the car in park, turned the radio off and then returned his hand to where it had been. My breath caught in my throat and my brain began to feel fuzzy. He gently placed his free hand behind my neck and pressed his forehead against mine. I could taste his peppermint flavored breath.

  “Hayley.” I closed my eyes, too nervous to look at him. “I see you,” he whispered. “I’ve always seen you.”

  Sixteen

  Nick

  I was becoming reckless, but I couldn’t have cared less. Her mouth had been so close to mine, in so many instances, yet I still hadn’t kissed her. I wanted to. I needed to. I needed to know what she tasted like, sounded like, felt like. After hearing her say she wanted me, it was nearly impossible to keep my hands to myself.

  Despite what my brain—and appendage—was telling me, I broke things of with Elana. She took it better than I anticipated and made me promise to call her if I ever found myself bored and lonely. Unfortunately, the promise was empty.

  It was as if Hayley was intentionally trying to torture me. Each day, she wore the most breathtaking, ass squeezing outfits that created an exceptionally large issue underneath my desk. I would periodically catch her biting her pencil while looking at me with her puppy dog eyes, making me mad with want.

  We were a week away from Halloween, and it was the only thing Hayley had talked about in class. I allowed my students to write a history report on Halloween, and she had chosen the Celtic festival of Samhain. Her paper was exceptional, a well-deserved A. Once the final bell rang, the class slowly began to disperse. Lacy eyed Hayley carefully as she remained in her seat.

  “You coming?” Lacy asked.

  Hayley shook her head. “I’ll be out in a minute. I have some questions about my paper.” Lacy sighed before walking out of the classroom. “Did you like my paper?” she asked shyly. My eyes dropped to her chest, now aware that she was not wearing anything underneath her sweater.

  “Are you not wearing a bra?” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. She instantly peeked down her shirt as her cheeks became a rosy hue. She stared at me in horror.

  “I…I must’ve forgotten this morning. I woke up late and—”

  I put my hand up as I laughed. “I’m not complaining.” Her cheeks turned impossibly red. “Your paper was amazing, Hayley. You received the highest grade in the class.” The smile that spread across her face was utterly priceless. “You better catch up to Lacy before she leaves without you,” I warned.

  “Or, you could give me a ride home…” She trailed off, nervously biting her lip. Good God, I wanted to sink my teeth into
her delicate flesh. I narrowed my eyes towards her before discreetly readjusting myself. Her eyes dropped to my desk as she bit her lip again.

  “Hayley, I need you to stop biting you lip,” I warned. “It is killing me.” She opened her mouth to respond when a shrill ring erupted from her back pocket. She pressed the phone to her ear, annoyance radiating off of her.

  “Yes, Lacy. I’m coming!” She angrily shoved the phone into her pocket before gathering her things. “I’ll see you later,” she told me sweetly. I lifted my right hand to my forehand and saluted her as she left. I could hear her gentle, delightful laugh echoing down the hallway.

  •••

  I needed to get out of my apartment and out of my head. Nothing worked as an effective deterrent. My daily gym time had increased rapidly, and though the results were promising, I continued to feel empty. I was making myself sick with the constant rationalizations my mind produced. My brain was waging a war with itself, bouncing between maintaining morals and respecting my primal needs. The thought of corrupting someone as beautiful and kind as Hayley sent my ethical compass into a frenzy.

  We were becoming closer, an inevitable outcome from our time spent together. I found myself looking forward to the hours spent eating takeout and listening to her ramble about the drama surrounding her friend group. She had told me about her and Lacy’s current living arrangements and opened up to me about her distaste for that punk, Taylor. She had even talked about Ryan, though she always retracted her statements whenever he was brought up. I didn’t like the idea of anyone else having her, though I knew I had no right to feel that way.

  I was losing all sense of self control. I could feel myself becoming the type of teacher I had always looked at with disgust. I had always been exposed to the flirtatious advances of teenage girls, though I had never given it a second thought. With Hayley, it was different. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I had felt the electricity between us.

  I was playing a dangerous game, and no intention to put an end to it.

  Seventeen

  Hayley

  Nick and my friendship was growing rapidly. I had been convinced that my infatuation was one sided, until I realized it wasn’t.

  “Any plans for tonight?” Nick asked me. I finished coloring in the pumpkin on his cheek before shaking my head. “No scary movie marathon with Lacy?”

  “Nope,” I mumbled as I drew on the stem. I had convinced him to let everyone paint something fall related on their faces for Halloween. He picked a pumpkin; I picked a ghost. Nick placed his hand on mine, making me smear green across his face. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

  “Stay late tonight.” My palms grew wet as he spoke. “Once we lock up, we can watch the original Halloween, if you want? I can set up the projector.” The thought of being in the office with Nick after close sent my body into a frenzy. Chills covered my arms at the mere idea. “I have popcorn,” he whispered as he poked my side. I lightly bit my lip and then quickly agreed. “Tell your parents we have a lot of shit to do here, and you’ll be home later than expected.” His voice was particularly assertive, causing my cheeks to turn red. I did as he asked.

  After everyone left, Nick locked the front door and grabbed the movie off the shelf. I followed him into the office, my anxiety at an all-time high. He placed the popcorn into the microwave and then turned off the lights, rolling his chair towards me. I could barely breathe.

  The room felt smaller than it had before; I was struggling to catch my breath. The screen looked like a faraway blur, and I concluded that I was suffering from a panic attack. Nick noticed my odd behavior and paused the movie immediately.

  “Are you hyperventilating?” I couldn’t answer. “Do you need me to turn the light on?” I shook my head violently, praying that he kept the lights off. If he saw how red my face was, he would immediately know how nervous I was.

  “It’s just really hot in here,” I explained, shrugging out of my flannel. I felt exposed, considering I had only a crop top on underneath.

  “Don’t die,” he chuckled, placing his hand on my thigh. I was on fire. “I need you alive.” His voice was sinister yet sincere. Every part of my body willed him to make a move, whether it was a kiss, or for him to relocate his hands. Regardless, I wanted more.

  About halfway through the movie, Nick broke the silence. “So,” he began. “I think we should discuss the conversation we had a while back.” There was no need for him to explain which conversation he was referring to; I knew exactly what he meant. I played with a piece of my hair, unable to answer. “Things are changing between us.” My heartbeat accelerated. “I need to know that you aren’t going to tell anyone about this, Hayley.”

  “About what?” I asked, genuinely confused. Nothing had transpired between us, other than a few sensual conversations.

  The light from the projector illuminated his face, displaying his furrowed eyebrows. “I understand that things have remained…platonic between us.” He searched for the right words. “But regardless, we both know the reality of the situation.” It felt as if someone had shoved a hot blade through my chest. I had no idea what he was implying; what “reality” was he referring to? The reality of us watching a movie together after work, as friends? Or was there more to it.

  “Reality?” I asked. He reached for a piece of popcorn and remained silent. “I understand that you’re my boss, Nick. And my teacher. We’re just watching a movie, right?” For the love of God, prove me wrong. I prayed that he would tell me this was more than just a friendly encounter.

  He ran his hand through his hair and stared intensely at the wall. Michael was attempting to stab Lori through the closet door. I had seen this scene a handful of times.

  “I’m beginning to want to spend every holiday with you.” His voice was barely audible, and I was unsure that I had heard him correctly. I contemplated asking him to repeat himself, but I chose to stay quiet.

  We averted our attention back to the screen as if nothing had happened.

  Eighteen

  Hayley

  My crush was increasing daily, although "crush" may not have been the appropriate word to use. Obsession would be slightly more accurate, considering I had googled him dozens of times, found his mother on Facebook and had gone down to 2011 on his profile. However, obsession would indicate that our lust for each other was not reciprocated.

  The times he would drive me home would extend a few minutes each time. At first, he'd "accidentally" miss my exit. The next time, he'd tell me he wanted to show me another song, causing us to circle around my neighborhood again. We would linger after the store closed, finding random and pointless tasks to do before we parted.

  His existence made my marrow turn to liquid. Each time we would accidentally touch, my nerves would crawl through my body, as if I were clinging onto an electric fence.

  "Don't leave yet." I was on my way towards the door when Nick's voice stopped me. There was something urgent in his tone. "Please," he added. I turned around to face him, every inch of my body crawling with anticipation. His right eyebrow was raised slightly higher than his left. He bit his bottom lip before speaking again. "Thanksgiving is tomorrow.”

  I stared at him, confusion painted across my face. "You're correct." He smirked and then crossed his arms. Whatever was on his mind was making him act different.

  "I'll be going to Aspen for a week, so I figured I'd give you the week off." When I stayed silent, he continued. “I've really appreciated you being here, Hayley. I know your job is boring, but I love having you around. You are good company. These last couple months have been really great." Uncrossed arms. Crossed again. "I just..." he trailed off. I waited for him to go on.

  "Thank you." Silence. "Look, Mr. Foster, I have to go. I told Lacy I'd be home by ten so we could watch something together and I—"

  "Cancel." My breath caught in my throat. "I mean... do what you'd like."

  "Why would I cancel?" I was finally understanding what the expression "anticipation was rising" meant.
It was as if I could feel his anxiety in the air.

  "I, um..." More silence. I was becoming impatient. "A week is a long time."

  "Another factual statement." He chuckled to himself as he ran a hand through his hair. I had never seen him in this state before—beads of sweat collecting on his forehead, clammy palms being pressed against his pants. He turned away from me and made his way back towards the video game section. I watched as he organized the already alphabetized games. I counted to ten before following him.

  "Don't make Lacy wait." The lights of the store dimmed as he spoke, something they automatically did at 10:15.

  "Are you sure?" I felt slightly uncomfortable. "You seem off."

  "Hayley," he whispered. "I can't... I shouldn't... Never mind." I lifted my hand up to his chest. His heartbeat thrummed against my palm. "I've been craving your touch for so long." And with that, he leaned in and kissed me.

  When people describe their first kiss with someone, comparisons of fireworks and butterflies and universes colliding are often used. Phrases such as "melting" and "earth shattering" and "holy fuck is this happening?" too. I had always been a cynical human. Kissing was just two hot, germ infested mouths meeting—nothing more.