Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  I had been wrong.

  My God, how wrong had I been.

  His hands gripped my sides as if I were the only thing that could keep him grounded. His mouth explored mine as if I were his last meal—savoring every second. His chest was pressed against me, two heartbeats meeting between thin layers of cotton, both audibly beating to the same tune. He moaned my name into my mouth as if it were his final words, as if it were a prayer that could save his soul.

  After what seemed to be a lifetime, or two, he pulled away. His eyes bored into mine, pupils dilating with each passing moment. He swept his fingers against my ears, tucking loose strands of hair behind them.

  "Hayley Marie," he whispered before placing another kiss against my temple. "What have you done to me."

  The ember that burned for him grew increasingly larger as his lips met mine again. It must have caught fire, because before I knew it, I was burning. An entire wildfire was set in my bones—electric, finding its way across my skin and in my marrow, down my veins and through my soul. Fabric on fabric, cheaply made articles scraping against my cracking skin. My body shook against his traveling lips.

  His fears were rational and I understood where he was coming from. Regret, regret, regret. All he could focus on was the word regret. Would I regret doing this? Could I live with myself if I allowed this to go on? Would I look back on this, years down the road, and see him as a monster instead of someone I trusted?

  He was wrong; everything he was saying was so off base I could barely handle it. Regret? The only thing I would regret would be to not pursue this. His fears contradicted mine. He was allowing the fear of regret and karma to run his life while I was trying to thrive off it. I wanted to look back on the things I did pursue, good or bad, and allow myself to come to peace with it.

  But we saw things differently, and we both knew it. I was ready to take things one step further while he was taking three steps back.

  I can still smell you on my shirt. I was nervous to hit send, but I ignored the rational side of my brain and tapped the blue arrow. Within moments the message had delivered.

  I can still feel your heart beating against my chest. I stared at the message, unable to contain my smile.

  Nineteen

  Hayley

  I sat across from Lacy as she curled my hair, mesmerized at how great it looked. A song was playing through her Bluetooth speaker, setting the tone for how our night was going to go. She brought a vape pen to her lips and smiled at me, eyes glossy. I raised a curious eyebrow before she handed it over, a smile spreading across her face. I brought the device to my lips and inhaled, instantly feeling a burn enter the back of my throat. I struggled to hold down the coughing fit that was trying to escape my mouth. My eyes watered at my poor attempt, and before I knew it, I was doubled over, tears streaming down my face. Lacy burst into a fit of laughter and I soon followed suit.

  “What the fuck is that?” I asked, tears still pouring from my eyes.

  “It’s a dab pen, you idiot,” she wheezed. My eyes widened, afraid of the high that was soon to follow. As if on cue, my head began to feel heavy. “Calm down, it’s doesn’t last too long. Taylor bought this for me yesterday, isn’t it fucking awesome?” She brought the pen to her mouth again, hitting it like an absolute pro.

  “Leave it to him.” She glared at me, but then began laughing hysterically again.

  “You better be nice tonight. This is a college party, Hayley. And it took forever to convince Taylor to let you come.” I groaned in disgust. “I figured this would be good for you. Ryan is out of town with whatever sport he’s playing right now, and quite frankly he’s been getting on my last nerve.”

  “He’s with his family for the holidays,” I corrected. “And why is he getting on your nerves?” I was glad that she was finally understanding how annoying he could be sometimes.

  “I wonder why, Hayley.” Her bloodshot eyes narrowed. “Maybe it’s because you spend more time locked in that weird little office with Mr. Foster than you do with him.” My paranoid, high mindset began to panic. “Why can’t you just be normal and work with me at BeautyMe?”

  “And get a whole five hours a week?” I snapped. She exhaled a large cloud of smoke before raising her middle finger in my direction. “I don’t hear you complaining about my job when I bring you romance movies every night.” She let out a hyena-like laugh and planted a large, wet kiss on my cheek.

  “My boyfriend is my drug dealer, and my best friend is my movie dealer. How much better can life get?” I returned a kiss on her cheek before standing up, feeling the blood rush to my head. “Can I dress you tonight?” She begged. “I want us to be the hottest bitches in that frat house.”

  •••

  Two hours later we looked fiercer than I knew was possible. My hair was falling down my back in soft, subtle waves, while Lacy’s was pin straight. Our makeup was dark and smoky, bringing attention to our bloodshot eyes. She picked out a pair of ripped black high-rise jeans and a lowcut, white crop top for me. She handed me a cropped, olive green jacket to finish the look. I slid on a pair of black Van’s and stared at our reflection. We looked hot. I took one final hit off her pen before we ventured downstairs and into the garage.

  Khalid played through her speakers as we made our way to Taylor’s frat house. We were both higher than kites. Lacy handed me a water bottle and watched as I took a large gulp. My face twisted into a disgusted sneer as I forced myself to swallow the substance.

  “What is that?” I coughed.

  “Tequila and Sprite,” she informed me. “Don’t worry, I haven’t had any yet. I figured you could pregame a little before we got there.” I narrowed my eyes and took another long drink. In any normal situation, I would remain sober. Being around Taylor, however, required an altered state of mind.

  “You better not leave me tonight,” I warned. “I don’t know anyone, and I really don’t feel like hanging out by myself.” She rolled her eyes as she pulled into the driveway of a large house. Music poured through her car, shaking the windows. I watched as a short, young blonde vomited into a bush. Lacy let out a hyena-like laugh and smiled at me.

  “Holy shit, this is going to be so fun.” She cut the engine, flipped down her mirror and smeared a glob of lip gloss onto her mouth. She handed me the same tube, and I did the same. “I won’t leave you tonight, Hay. Let’s just get fucked up and have a good time.” With that, she opened the car door, allowing the loud music to fill our ears. I opened mine and followed behind her as we approached the front door.

  Taylor swung the door open, stepping out and embracing Lacy into a long, disgusting kiss. He wrapped his hand around her behind, squeezing it so hard that she shrieked. I averted my eyes, trying to find the puking blonde again. She was nowhere to be found.

  “Hayley,” Taylor greeted. Disgust laced his words, but I chose to ignore it. I followed them inside and into the kitchen. Taylor mixed us both drinks, filling three parts alcohol, one part juice. I anxiously grabbed the cup from his hand, downing it in two gulps. Lacy raised an eyebrow in my direction before doing the same. “So, you’re both trying to get shitfaced?” he asked, smiling. I painfully returned the smile and nodded my head, remembering that I promised Lacy I would be nice. “Your wish is my command, ladies.” With that, he made two more drinks and led us into another room.

  Green and red strobe lights flashed in front of us, making it hard to concentrate. I lifted my drink to my mouth, already feeling the buzz kicking in. Lacy and Taylor danced to a song I didn’t recognize, and I scanned the room for any familiar faces.

  “Want a bump?” I turned around, facing an extremely cute, extremely drunk male. His teeth glowed in an almost purple hue from the lights. He held out a small baggie and a key, giving me quizzical look.

  “Oh no, I’m okay,” I assured him.

  “Just say no, right?” A smile danced across his lips, yet I felt too uncomfortable to return the gesture. “I’m Jay. Why have I never seen you before.” I scanned the room for
Lacy, finding her shoved into a corner with Taylor.

  “Uh, Taylor invited us. I came with his girlfriend.” I willed Lacy to look over at me, but she remained tucked away.

  “Oh okay, you’re Hayley,” he concluded. I felt myself stiffen at the sound of my name coming out of his voice. “Taylor said that he invited you guys. He didn’t tell me how fucking gorgeous you are, though.” I giggled nervously, cursing myself for getting so high earlier. I didn’t know what to do or say, so I brought the drink to my lips and took another large swig. He placed his hand on my shoulder, winked, and then walked away.

  I stood against the wall closest to the kitchen, taking another glance at my watch. Over an hour had passed since I last saw Lacy and I could feel myself getting annoyed. I ventured off to a table, finding another drink. I lost track of how many I had, but the swimming feeling in my head led me to believe I was reaching my limits. I sipped it slowly, once again looking for her. I heard a loud, high pitched laugh and felt two arms wrap around my waist. I clumsily turned around, nearly knocking Lacy and I to the ground.

  “Hey, bitch!” she shouted. “Sorry I left you, Taylor and I were fucking in his bedroom.” Her words came out jumbled and slurred, making her laugh even harder. “God, why does he have to be so hot?” I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes and took another sip. “You’re not mad, are you?” I shook my head. “Good.” She grabbed my face and pressed her lips against mine. A few guys began cheering, bringing us both into a laughing fit.

  “You are too drunk,” I told her. She rolled her eyes and took my hand in hers, leading me to the living room. People were standing, sitting, and dancing around us. The smell of sweat and alcohol permeated off the walls. I could feel myself beginning to relax and allowed my drunken state to take over. Lacy and I danced and laughed, making me forget about ever being annoyed with her.

  “I have to use the restroom!” Lacy shouted over the music. It had been nearly an hour of constant dancing, and I desperately needed water. I told her to come to the kitchen when she was finished. I located a bottle of water and a bag of chips before taking a seat against the refrigerator. I looked down the hallway and spotted Taylor. He rushed over to me, extending his hand.

  “I think Lacy is too drunk. Will you come help me with her?” It was the first time I had seen him in nearly two hours. I took his hand and allowed him to pull me up, ignoring the strange feeling in my stomach. I stumbled against the kitchen counter, cursing as I did so. “I don’t feel like you’re going to be much help,” he mumbled. He placed his hand on the small of my back and led me up the stairs. I swallowed my disgust at the feeling of his hand on me.

  Confusion swept over me when we entered a room without Lacy. I quickly turned to leave, but Taylor grabbed my wrists, pushing me against the wall. He pressed himself against me, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against mine. My veins turned to ice as panic consumed my body. I could feel his hardness against me.

  “How about we cut the virgin act,” he whispered into my ear. “I know how much you want me.” Bile burned the back of my throat. I tried to open my mouth, but it was as if a million cotton balls were shoved in my cheeks. My tongue was sandpaper. Taylor grabbed my hand and shoved it down the front of his jeans, bringing my palm to his hardened muscle. He pressed his lips against mine and let out a quiet groan. “You like that, baby?” I used my free hand to shove him off me, but he caught it and pinned me against the wall. I struggled to remove my hand out of his pants.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I asked, finally finding my voice. “You’re drunk, Taylor. Let me go and I won’t tell Lacy.” He kissed me again, biting down on my lip hard enough to draw blood.

  “You both wear that fucking lip gloss.” He twitched against my hand. “Such a fucking turn on.” I was too drunk to fully comprehend situation. I had dealt with Taylor making suggestive comments in the past, but this was too far. The room began spinning. I no longer saw Taylor, but instead, someone else.

  Golden eyes.

  I shook my head back and forth, fighting him off. He wrapped his free hand around my throat, squeezing it slightly. “I bet you’re a freak, huh?” I willed myself to not throw up. “Jay told me he wanted a piece of you, but I told him to back off. I’m not that bad of a guy, Hayley. I made sure no one touched you tonight.” Tears clouded my vision as Taylor pressed his lips against me again. I shook uncontrollably, arousing him even more. His tongue pried my lips apart, assaulting my mouth with the taste of beer and tobacco.

  “What the fuck?” Taylor was off me within an instant. I fell to my knees, relieved to have his hand off my throat. Tears poured from my eyes as I struggled to catch my breath. “What the fuck?” The person screamed again. I watched as Lacy shoved Taylor into the wall, tears streaming down her face. “Are you fucking kidding me?” She asked me.

  “Lacy, I—” A fist connected with my nose before I could finish my sentence.

  “You fucking slut,” she screamed. “God, no wonder you always act so fucking bitter whenever I bring him around. How could you do this to me?” I stared at my hands in horror, too afraid to speak. Blood spilled down my face. She turned her attention to Taylor, who was still standing against the wall. “Was this your plan all along? To get me fucked up and then have sex with Hayley?”

  “Baby, stop.” His voice came out gentle. “You’re just drunk and high. This is all a misunderstanding.” She shook her head vehemently. “The coke is messing with you baby. I promise, we were just talking.”

  “I saw her hands down your pants, you fucking liar!” She shoved him again. “Fuck you!”

  “Your boyfriend is a creep.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. “Lacy, he told me you were in here. He told me—”

  “Get the fuck out of this house before I hit you again,” she warned. “I swear to God, Hayley, I will break your fucking nose.” The cold look in her eyes confirmed what she was saying.

  I jumped off the floor and ran down the stairs as fast as I could. I shoved through the crowd, searching for the front door. The puking blonde grabbed my arm, asking me if I was alright. I pushed her out of my way and sprinted out of the house.

  I was three streets over before I collapsed to the ground. The shock and adrenaline of what had happened was wearing off, and I found myself shaking uncontrollably. I clutched my stomach as vomit escaped my mouth. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and drunkenly searched for Nick’s number. After several failed attempts, I found it and hit CALL. The phone rang until the operator told me to leave a message. I called again. And again. And again. Each time, the same voice instructed me to leave a voicemail. I screamed as the tears and blood collided onto my shirt.

  Suddenly, my phone began ringing. I quickly pressed it against my ear, sobs escaping my lips as I tried to hear the person on the other end.

  “…are you? Hayley, where are you? Are you okay?” The sound of Nick’s voice brought another howl out of my mouth.

  “N-Nick,” I gasped.

  Panic edged Nick’s voice. “Tell me where the hell you are, right now,” he demanded. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. The broken screen to my watch blinked, telling me that it was 1:30 am.

  “I don’t know,” I cried. My head began spinning again, and I moved the phone away from my mouth in time to throw up on the pavement. Green liquid pooled around my feet. “A party,” I gasped.

  “Send me your location.” I drunkenly found our messages and shared my location. “Are you safe?” I took in my surroundings. I was sitting on a sidewalk surrounded by multiple large houses. Streetlamps showered the street in light, bringing me some comfort. The porch lights on each house were turned off, letting me know that everyone was asleep.

  “I-I think so. I don’t know.” I felt anything but safe.

  Tapping came from the other end. “Okay, you’re not too far from me. I can be there in fifteen minutes, okay?” I let out another cry. “I’ll stay on the phone with you, alright?” The sound of a door slamm
ing floated through the phone. Soon after, an engine started.

  “I thought you were out of town,” I whispered. I brought my hand to my nose, feeling the slick blood pour out.

  “My mom and sister got into a fight. She’s currently staying with me.” His words came out frantic. “Tell me you’re still safe.”

  “I am.” My voice shook. “I just need you here. Please hurry.” My phone beeped twice, alerting me that I was on one percent battery. I cried in frustration. “My phone is going to die.” As if on cue, it powered down. I threw it onto the pavement, hearing the glass shatter. I rested my head between my legs, praying my head would stop spinning. I needed water, and a hot shower. The hand that was down Taylor’s pants violently shook. How could this have happened? Lacy was never going to forgive me for what she thought she saw. Anyone with eyes would have misconstrued what was actually happening between Taylor and I. Add drugs to the mix, and it was nearly impossible to deny. I was too engrossed in my own misery to even think about Lacy’s choice to do cocaine behind my back.

  I watched as Nick’s Escape ripped down the street, nearly taking out a stop sign on his way to me. He pulled onto the sidewalk and ran out of his car, leaving the front door open. His hands were instantly on my face, tilting my head back and inspecting my nose. He wrapped me into his arms and carried me to the passenger side. Before I knew it, he was pulling off the curb and back onto the street.

  “Who did this to you?” Anger rolled off him like smoke. “You smell like a fucking dispensary,” he criticized. “And a brewery.” Tears filled my eyes again. “I’m not mad at you, I’m sorry. I’m just mad that someone did this to you.” His eyes moved from the road and onto my face again. He reached into his glove compartment and pulled out a napkin, wiping the remaining blood off my nose. “Where was the party?” He turned down a random street, searching for any signs of nightlife. I shook my head.