Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  After a few moments later, I received another text. It would be very hedonistic of me if I allowed this to continue. My entire body went stiff, fearful that he was trying to end things.

  You have to stop seeing yourself as a bad person for going after what you want. I was reaching a point of desperation; my next plan was to beg him to not leave. He couldn’t disappear; I needed more.

  It’s not how I see myself, Hayley. I could practically hear the frustration through his text. It’s the way you’re going to see me down the road. You can’t guarantee me that you’ll feel the same way when you’re graduated and an adult.

  I couldn’t contain my laughter. Graduations was in less than seven months, nothing was going to change. And, legally, I was an adult. Do you think that I’m out to exploit you?

  Send.

  You’re right; I accepted the job with hope to catch you red-handed.

  Send.

  I’m actually sending these messages to the police right now. You caught me. I was fuming. I looked over at Lacy, who was simultaneously watching the movie and painting her nails. I quietly stood up and exited her room before she could ask me who I was texting.

  Stop.

  You’re acting like I’m not already 18. I’ll be 19 in March. Graduated by June. What’s the issue?

  My phone dinged. Seems to me that you this all planned out. You shouldn’t have a problem waiting.

  I was a fairly patient person, but at this point there was no reason to wait for anything. He had kissed me twice. We had indulged in scandalous conversations, ones that he allowed to happen. We had stayed in a hotel room together.

  What is stopping you? Honestly.

  Suddenly, my phone was ringing. I quickly ran out of the hallway and into my room, shutting the door.

  “What is stopping me?” he shouted. “The law, Hayley.” He had never raised his voice at me before, especially not over the phone. “Do you think this is easy?” His voice was escalating; I was scared he was going to blow my speaker. “You’re acting like this is my choice. If it were up to me, I would bend you over my fucking desk and have my way with you. But that’s not the way life works, Hayley. I legally cannot do this.” I liked this; the intensity in his voice was inspiring. I wanted to get him more worked up.

  “Do you think I’m going to go run my mouth to the entire school? I’m not doing this to get you in trouble, Mr. Foster. If I wanted to do that, I would have tried to seduce you already. I’m an adult, Nick. I will be nineteen soon. I’m older than most people in my grade. Plus, I’m genuinely interested in you. I find you extremely intriguing. You need to trust. I’m able to keep my mouth closed.” He began to protest when I cut him off. “I’m able to keep my mouth closed when it’s necessary.” He chuckled and then sighed.

  “I’m about to go to a meeting. Once I’m back we can possibly discuss this. But Hayley, I need you to try and understand where I’m coming from.” I hated how defeated he sounded.

  “Alright.”

  “I want to take you somewhere tonight.” And with that, he hung up.

  Twenty-Two

  Hayley

  Lacy knew something, although I wasn’t sure exactly what she knew. She barged into my bedroom as I was choosing a top to wear. I decided on a warm white sweater and maroon jeans. I had no idea where Nick was taking me, but I wanted to look nice for him.

  “Date with Ryan?” she asked me. I shook my head and slipped my arms into the shirt. “Is there something you’re not telling me?” She eyed my outfit decision as she sat on my bed. “You look like nice. Why do you look nice if you’re not going out with your boyfriend?” I cringed at her word choice.

  “Ryan isn’t my boyfriend,” I began. “And a few people from Triple D are going out tonight.” She eyed my skeptically and waited for me to go on. I remained quiet.

  “Is Mr. Foster going to be there?” she asked. I nodded my head. “Don’t you think it’s weird to be spending so much time with our teacher? You work almost every night.” My skin began to crawl, afraid that she was implying something. “And you were together in the library today. You would tell me if anything was going on between you two, right?”

  I laughed nervously, attempting to hide my anxiety. “I’m going to dinner with my coworkers, Lacy. It’s not like it’s just going to be the two of us.” I hated that I had to lie to her; this made twice in twelve hours. This lie, however, was less harmful.

  “But you two are alone all of the time. You see him more than you see Ryan.” I shrugged my shoulders and reapplied my rose-pink lip gloss. “Don’t you feel like we’ve grown apart since I moved in? Before that, we were inseparable Hayley. Now you come home and then go straight to work. I don’t understand what’s going on with you.” Perhaps if she hadn’t hit me, we would be a closer.

  “I’m sorry.” I truly was. Despite her hitting me in her drug-fueled outrage, I had never meant to distance myself from her. I was in a situation that she wouldn’t have understood, and even if she did, I didn’t trust that she wouldn’t tell Ryan. They had always been close friends, and I didn’t want to come between them.

  “Can we please just go on a double date soon?” I groaned aloud. Taylor was the last person I wanted to see. Goosebumps crawled up my arms at the thought of him. I leaned back in my chair and sighed again.

  “He’s a druggy, Lace.” And a predator.

  “He isn’t a bad person,” she mumbled. I felt myself growing nauseous, but I needed to get her off my back about Mr. Foster. I knew that I would be safe during a double date.

  “If you promise me to never do cocaine again, I’ll go.” A grin spread across her face. “You need to remember where your dad is,” I lectured. Pain flashed in her eyes before she planted a kiss on my cheek.

  “Next Friday night we’re all hanging out, okay?” I nodded my head. “And for fucks sake, Hayley. Spend more time with Ryan. I have to hear him bitch and moan about how he thinks you’re cheating on him.” I gave her a dramatic sigh and threw my mascara into a drawer.

  “Okay, fine.” I agreed. Suddenly, the doorbell went off. She squeezed my arm before running out of my room.

  •••

  Nick texted me around eight and asked if I could find a ride to the movie store. I located Lacy and Taylor in her room, half undressed, and awkwardly asked for a ride. Lacy threw me her keys and resumed with Taylor. He winked at me as his lips locked with Lacy’s.

  “Where are you headed to?” My father was sitting at the kitchen table, papers spread out in front of him. His dinner was beside him, completely untouched. So much for not bringing work to the dinner table.

  “A few of my friends from Triple D are going out tonight.” My father raised an eyebrow and then averted his attention back to whoever’s file he was going over. “Lacy is letting me use her car.” I hated how I had to force my father to give me attention. Since I had been young, he was always preoccupied, always going over files and cases and whatever else he could distract himself with.

  “That’s nice of her.” He pushed a paper aside and began writing something. “Only a couple more months before you can drive again.” It still astounded me that my father allowed me to drive with a suspended license, but I chose to stay quiet. “You get it back around Christmas, right?”

  “Yeah,” I agreed.

  “Your mother will be back tomorrow night,” he reminded. I was surprised that he was aware of her schedule; he was usually asking me where she was. “I want all of us to do something as a family. Maybe go out to dinner?”

  “Oh.” I was unsure of how to respond. We hadn’t gone out to dinner in an exceedingly long time; we all had conflicting schedules. “Are you sure?” I asked. He chuckled and underlined something.

  “This case should be over in a couple weeks,” he explained. “The girl is obviously somewhat delusional. Her story is consistently changing. Do you remember my old client Adam? It’s a lot like his case.” I felt my blood run cold, stopping me dead in my tracks. I hadn’t heard that name in ye
ars. My father clicked his pen multiple times before pressing it against a new piece of paper. I willed myself to move, or speak, but I was frozen. “Have fun tonight,” he mumbled. “Be home at a decent time.” I quickly nodded my head and escaped through the front door.

  I parked Lacy’s car on the side of the movie store in hopes of not being seen. Teresa and Alex were the only two workers tonight and I wanted to avoid any questions they may have asked. After a few moments, a black Ford Escape pulled into the parking spot closest to me. Nick exited the car and approached me, embracing me in a long hug.

  “My little hedonist,” he whispered. His warmth radiated through my clothes, intoxicating me. I gripped onto his arms, fearing that I would faint at any moment. “Let’s go before anyone sees us.”

  The further we drove, the brighter the stars became. The song “Youth” by Glass Animals was playing on his radio. I could feel myself drifting into a trance.

  “I’m sorry if this is weird,” he apologized. “I just wanted to be alone with you tonight. Somewhere other than the movie store. Or a crappy hotel” He then grabbed my hand and pressed it against his lips. Chills spread across my arm.

  “It’s not weird,” I assured him. “I feel the same way.” A smile spread across his face, illuminated by the green traffic light in front of us. “Where are we going?” I abhorred surprises.

  “You’ll see,” he murmured, running his finger across my thumb. We drove through a few more songs before approaching a brick and glass building surrounded by trees. The Denver Botanical Garden. I hadn’t been there since I was a child.

  “The botanical garden,” I whispered. He grabbed my hand and kissed it gently. “It’s closed…”

  “I have a friend.” He winked at me before opening his door and running over to mine. He opened it and gave me his hand. “Hayley Marie, your kingdom awaits.” I could feel my heart swelling underneath my sweater.

  He grabbed my hand and held it as we walked through a gate. I was assuming his friend had unlocked it prior to our arrival. Lights illuminated our path, bringing the beautiful flowers to life. I could physically feel myself growing more and more attached to him as we made our way through a beautiful bed of roses. He spoke quietly to me, telling my stories of his high school days. It was strange to picture him in my position, an awkward senior in high school. He told me about his history teacher, and how much of an impact he had on him during his youth. He would occasionally stop speaking and stare at me for a moment too long, causing my body to melt, despite the chilled air.

  He stopped in front of the Science Pyramid, dipping his head down and touching my lips with his. “I have been fighting this since the moment I have seen you,” he whispered. “I can’t seem to stay away from you. Regardless of what my brain is telling me, I can’t.” He ran a cold finger against my cheek before descending down the path.

  After exploring the garden for another hour or so, we made our way back to his car. The air was cold and we both had not dressed accordingly. Once we were inside, he turned the heat on the highest setting and asked me to join him in the backseat. I hadn’t realized that the seats were folded down and covered in a large blue comforter. I laid on top of it, resting my head against his chest.

  “God dammit,” he sighed, running his finger against my cheek. “Stop making this feel so right.” I propped myself up on my elbows and stared at him through the dark. I could see a faint shadow of his mouth. I leaned in and rested my lips on top of his. He lifted me up so that I was straddling him, and I dipped my head back down, meeting his mouth with mine. He ran his fingers up and down my back, sending chills through my spine. I shuddered against his touch, craving more. He kissed me deeper, harder, than he ever had before. I could barely think straight; my head was spinning.

  His hands moved to the front of shirt, slipping underneath my bra. His mouth traveled down my neck and onto my collarbones, setting my body on fire. I had never been touched like this. He bit my earlobe softly, sending a small gasp out of my mouth. He chuckled quietly and then did it again. And again. And again. I could feel him growing harder underneath me; my body grinded against him in a perfect rhythm.

  “Lay down,” he demanded. I did as he asked, intimidated yet excited. “Do I have your permission to remove your pants?” I bit my bottom lip and nodded my head bashfully. His fingers found the button and quickly unfastened it. I kicked them off and allowed for him to slide between my legs. “I like those.” I looked down, noticing I had on a black, lace thong.

  “It’s part of a set,” I whispered. He raised an eyebrow and then lifted my sweater over my head. “See?” I croaked, struggling to find words.

  “I like it.” His mouth met mine again, only this time hungrier than before. His fingers trailed up and down my thigh, inching their way dangerously close to my panties. “Is this okay?” he asked. His fingers slipped underneath the fabric. “I can stop.” He kissed my neck again and I moaned, louder than before.

  “Fuck.” I could feel his smile against my skin.

  “Do you want this?” I nodded my head. I had never experienced anything like this─ part of me believed I was dying. My breathing accelerated with each touch. I clawed at his back and shoved my mouth against his in attempts to stifle any noise that threatened to leave my body. The sensation was overwhelming, I was going to explode. “Let go,” he whispered.

  So, I did.

  My God, I did.

  Twenty-Three

  Nick

  Despite Rachel’s incessant warnings, I continued to pursue Hayley every opportunity I had. Whether it was staying after class to help her study or meeting her in the library to go over homework assignments, we were always finding excuses to be around each other. When we were in the office our lips rarely separated, our tongues dancing to the beat of our hearts. We were moving faster than I had anticipated, but she understood whenever I put a stop to things. Her hands would move to my zipper, that pleading puppy-dog look looming over her bright eyes. Despite my desire, I would shake my head and relocate her hand.

  I hadn’t been lying when I told Rachel that I was falling for this girl. This student. I had never felt anything remotely similar to what I felt towards Hayley. My relationship with Nicole was too comfortable, too relaxed. She had been my safety net, my first relationship. With Hayley, it was something completely different. Her presence was that of a hurricane, ripping my carefully planted roots from the ground.

  Mr. Stevens had finally given me a date for my transition into becoming the newest guidance counselor. I had to finish out the semester and then I would be set free. Although it wasn’t going to solve every issue, it would relieve some of the stress off of Hayley and my situation. I would no longer be her direct teacher, alleviating a little bit of the scandal.

  •••

  Rachel called the Friday after I told her about Hayley. “Nicholas, tell me that you’ve extinguished the fire.” I had left the movie store an hour ago, and the taste of Hayley remained on my mouth. I took a sip from my beer before exhaling.

  “It’s not that easy,” I began. “You would understand if you met her.”

  “What is there to understand?” she argued. “She is younger than me, Nick! Do you not find that a little bit disturbing? Like, at all?”

  “It’s almost as if I’ve been in an internal battle with myself about this exact situation for the last three months,” I retorted. “I have tried to stay away, Rachel.”

  “You need to try harder. This isn’t something I can just overlook. Like, I can deal with you and Elana, but I can’t deal with this. I can’t allow you to jeopardize everything you’ve worked so hard for. She is a senior in high school.” I remained silent as she continued on with her tangent. “I understand that you didn’t get to have a normal childhood and high school experience because of me, alright? But please, for the love of God, do not attempt to reclaim something that is long gone. I have plenty of age-appropriate friends that you are more than welcome to fuck. Tell me when and I’ll send them yo
ur way.”

  “This has nothing to do with my long-lost glory days.” I threw my beer into the trashcan before retrieving another one. “This has everything to do with me lacking all self-control around her.”

  “Please tell me you haven’t had sex with her.”

  I rubbed my eyes and shifted in my seat uncomfortably. This was not the type of conversation anyone should be having with their younger sister. “I haven’t,” I assured her. “I don’t plan on corrupting her completely.”

  “You need to get out more, Nick. You need to get her off your mind. Have meaningless sex with someone. Download an app. I don’t care what you do, as long as you end things with her.” She exhaled angrily into the speaker. “This girl should be out on dates with guys her own age. Do not stop her from living her life because you can’t get your dick under control.” The line disconnected, filling my ears with deafening silence.

  Rachel had managed to serve reality on a silver platter in less than ten minutes.

  Twenty-Four

  Hayley

  Despite the multitudinous excuses I produced weekly, I knew that I was going to be lured into a double date with Taylor and Ryan. I had dodged this bullet three times, but Lacy was ruthless. I had actively been avoiding the situation, submerging myself with everything Nick had to offer. His lips, his hands, his mouth. Good God, that mouth. We would take long drives, finding beautiful trails and views. Nick was an expert at finding the best view of a mountain, a view that offered exclusivity from prying eyes.

  “Taylor wants to go out to dinner, does that sound okay?” I dug through my closet, searching for a skirt to wear that night. I had been dreading it since the moment I was put in the stupid group chat. Every ounce of me wanted to bail again, but Ryan was adamant about tonight working out. I swallowed my pride and threw on a pair of black jeans and a shimmery pink top. I threw my hair into a ponytail and looked in the mirror.