Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  “I don’t care what we do.” Lacy noticed my apathetic tone and scowled at me.

  “Have you ever thought about giving Ryan an actual chance? You’re so quick to dismiss everything he does, Hayley. You never know, you might actually like him one day.” I gave her the fakest smile I could produce and flipped my ponytail over my shoulder. Ryan was the least of my problems.

  “I am giving him a chance.”

  “You’ve bailed on us every weekend for a month,” she reminded. “Getting you to hangout with anyone other than your friends at work is like pulling teeth.”

  After she was done getting ready, we made our way out of the house. My parents were AWOL, per usual, saving us from explaining our nightly plans. As we drove to Margaritaville, Lacy lit a cigarette. She smirked and blew the smoke directly in my face.

  “Another reason for me to love Taylor.” She rolled her eyes and took another drag from it.

  “Can you please just be nice tonight? Since Taylor has come back around you haven’t tried, like at all. You’re rude to him.” I scowled, aware of how I had acted towards him. Lacy’s memory tended to be selective as to why I disliked him.

  Once we arrived at the restaurant, we made our way inside, finding both Taylor and Ryan sitting at a booth towards the back. I slid closest to the wall, meeting Ryan’s gaze. He was wearing a black button up shirt, arms bulging through the fabric. Taylor, on the other hand, was wearing a white V-neck and reeked of marijuana. I scowled at him and redirected my attention towards Ryan.

  “You look gorgeous.” I smiled awkwardly and looked down at the menu. “How’s work been?” My cheeks burned at the mention of my job. Nick’s face entered my mind, filling my body with pure fire.

  “It’s been alright,” I lied. “It’s nice to finally have a day off.”

  “I’m glad you were able to escape for tonight.” He reached over the table and placed his hand on mine. I warned myself to play it cool; I needed Ryan for the time being. “My parents have been asking about you.” I looked over at Lacy for help, but she was enthralled with a video Taylor was showing her.

  “Parents?” I asked. The thought of meeting his family hadn’t crossed my mind.

  “There’s no rush, it’s okay. I was just letting you know.” I exhaled, thankful that he wasn’t being persistent. I had no desire to meet anyone in his family, as selfish as that sounded. The more distance I put in between the two of us was going to help when I let him down.

  We ordered our food and then planned what we were doing after we were done. I hadn’t been aware that our night was going to last longer than a couple hours; I was hoping to call Nick after all of this was over and see what he was doing.

  “What about a movie?” I suggested. Movies required little to no communication. Lacy jumped on the idea, immediately pulling out her phone to search for showtimes.

  “I have some weed if you guys want to smoke after we’re done here,” Taylor offered. I narrowed my eyes at him. He shot me a dirty look back. “Lighten the fuck up, Hayley. You’re such a fucking prude.” I turned my head to Lacy, waiting for her to stick up for me. She sunk into her seat, avoiding eye contact. I bit my tongue, denying myself the opportunity to call him out.

  “Chill out,” Ryan snapped. Taylor threw his fork against his plate and stood up, leaving the three of us. “What the hell was that all about?”

  “He’s coming off something,” I answered. “What is it this time, Lacy?” She hid her face behind her phone, remaining quiet. “Cocaine? Meth?”

  “He’s not on meth, Hayley. And you know what, he was right. If you could just, like, chill out for a second and stop trying to be so perfect, maybe you could have some actual fun.”

  “Oh, like last time?” I countered. “Maybe this time you’ll successfully break my nose, right?” She threw a twenty-dollar bill on the table before chasing after Taylor. Ryan raised an eyebrow in my direction and I shrugged my shoulders. I hadn’t told anyone other than Nick about what transpired between Taylor and I, and had intended to keep it that way.

  “Let’s ditch the movie idea. We can go back to my place and watch a movie there if you want? I can tell you aren’t a huge fan of Taylor.” I laughed aloud, nearly spitting my burrito out of my mouth. That was the understatement of the century.

  “Is it that obvious?” He nodded his head and smiled. Shit, he was so sweet. “Let’s go back to my place. I doubt Lacy is going to be stupid enough to take him there. Plus, I have this awesome movie room with surround sound.”

  “Fuck yeah!” Ryan exclaimed. “We can stop by your work if you want. Pick up a couple movies?” The thought of being in the same room as Ryan and Nick made me nervous but I agreed. If I declined, it could potentially raise an eyebrow.

  After Ryan paid for our bill, we made our way out of the restaurant. Lacy’s car was still in the parking lot, but Taylor’s was gone. Ryan played his music during the drive, giving me some insight on what his taste was. I was not a large fan.

  “Rap isn’t your thing, is it?” I giggled and shook my head. “That’s alright, we can listen to something of yours.” I plugged in my phone, blaring Glass Animals over his speaker. When we pulled into Triple D I saw Nick’s SUV sitting outside. Ryan ran to the side of my door and opened it, causing me to blush. I hated how nice he was.

  Ryan made his way over to the horror section and I followed a few steps behind him. Alex waved to me from the counter and I smiled. I looked towards the back of the room, checking to see if the office door was closed. Nick was leaning against the door, staring at me with an angry look on his face.

  “Hey, do you mind if I talk to my boss really quick? I need to see if the schedule is done yet.” Ryan smiled and kissed my cheek, telling me to hurry back soon. I bit my lip and made my way over to the office. Nick threw the door open and gestured for me to go inside.

  “I swear to God I’m not─” Nick grabbed the back of my neck, pressing his lips against mine. I lost my balance and grabbed onto his arm for support. He pinned me against the desk, allowing his mouth to travel down my neck.

  “Who is that boy?” he asked as his mouth moved down to my collarbones. My breathing hitched in my throat, making it impossible to answer. “Who is he?” he growled.

  “Ryan,” I gasped. “He’s who I’ve been hanging out with.” Nick pressed his lips against mine again, silencing me. I felt myself melt against his touch. “You told me to that this was a smart idea. So people wouldn’t suspect anything.” He slipped his hand under my shirt and grinned at me, his dimples growing deeper.

  “I don’t like him,” he whispered. “I don’t like thinking of him being with you.” I put my finger against his mouth, silencing him.

  “We’re just going back to my place to watch a movie.”

  “I’ll pick you up when he’s gone.” I smiled and kissed him again.

  “Okay, crazy.” He squeezed my behind before taking a step back. “Do you have next week’s schedule?” He walked over to the printer and grabbed it off the top. I blew him a kiss before walking out of the room. I found Ryan where I had left him.

  “Get it all squared away?” I nodded my head, showing him my schedule. “Have you ever seen this movie?” I looked at the title, shaking my head. “Hell yeah.” I walked up to the counter with him, smiling when Alex waved his hand back and forth and gave it to us for free.

  “Don’t have too much fun tonight, you crazy kids.” I lifted my middle finger in his direction and followed Ryan out the door. Once we were back in the car Ryan turned down the radio.

  “Can I ask you something?” My heart skipped a beat, but I remained calm. “Don’t you think it’s kind of strange to be working with one of your teachers? You just…Sit in that office all night. Seems kind of off.” I bit my bottom lip, unable to speak. “I don’t want you to think I’m implying anything…I just want to make sure that…” he trailed off.

  “Don’t be jealous.” He scoffed and reached for my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine.


  Sleep consumed me halfway throughout the movie. I awoke to Ryan’s soft snoring, noticing that it was half past midnight. I shook Ryan’s shoulder, bringing him back to consciousness. He rubbed his eyes and looked down at his phone, horrified when he saw the time.

  “I should probably head home,” he told me. “I have to take my dad to the airport super early and he’s gonna be pissed if he knows I stayed out this late.” I moved my hand back and forth, too tired to respond. “Goodnight, Hayley.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead before exiting the room. I rolled back over and went to sleep.

  Twenty-Five

  Nick

  I closed the movie store in record timing, aggressively slamming each door shut as I locked up. Teresa eyed me suspiciously as we made our way into the parking lot, but chose not to ask any questions. I knew that I was overreacting over seeing Ryan’s hands all over Hayley, but I couldn’t control my anger. He touched her as if he owned her, as if he had devoured her in the backseat of his car two days prior.

  Rachel’s words echoed through my mind as I drove aimlessly, waiting for the anger to dissipate from my veins. Although the conversation had transpired nearly a month ago, everything remained true. She had made too many valid points for me to ignore. Hayley needed to experience all of the things I couldn’t give her. She needed to be with someone who could take her out on dates and hold her hand in public and invite over to her house for a movie marathon. I had been unforgivably selfish. I needed to end things.

  I drove for another two hours before reaching an agreement with myself. If I didn’t end things tonight, I would never have the courage to do so. I had unknowingly shared someone I loved in the past; I wasn’t going to put myself through it again. There were too many outliers that led to Hayley and my downfall. I made my way down her road, all too familiar with the surrounding houses. How many nights had I spent taking her home, praying that I could freeze time? I shook the thoughts out of my head. It was time to put this to rest.

  The phone rang three times before Hayley answered the phone, her voice thick with sleep. “Hello?” I clutched my phone in my hand, forcing myself to follow through.

  “We need to talk.” I barely recognized my own voice.

  “I’m going to have to take a message,” she mumbled, her voice slowly drifting away.

  I let out an irritated sigh before barking, “I’m outside your house,” into the speaker. A small gasp came from the other end before the line disconnected. Moments later, I watched as Hayley jogged down her driveway towards me, nearly slipping on the snow covered ground. The air in my lungs escaped me, though I composed myself as she threw open the passenger door.

  “What time is it?” She asked, rubbing her eyes. “What are you doing here?” I threw the car in reverse, avoiding her gaze.

  “I told you I was going to pick you up after you were done with What’s-His-Name.” She rolled her eyes and rested her head against the window.

  “Nick, I’m exhausted. If you want to hangout so bad why don’t you just stay the night? I don’t think anyone is home right now.” My pants grew tight at the thought of having her alone. I shoved the thought of my brain, silently scolding myself.

  “As tempting, yet illegal, as that sounds, I’ll pass.” I watched as a look of confusion fell over her. “I don’t like sharing you.”

  She spun around in her seat, a look of fury settling between her eyebrows. “I am not a piece of property,” she gritted between her teeth. “I am with Ryan to keep our secret safe.”

  I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. I needed to rip it off like a bandage. I needed to shatter this beautiful girl’s heart. “I don’t think we should do this anymore.” Her expression fell as tears formed in her eyes. I averted my attention back towards the road, willing myself to continue. “Things have…Escalated rather quickly. At first we were so careful with everything and now…Now it’s getting out of my hands.”

  The beginning of a sob escaped her lips as she pressed her hand against it. She stayed silent for a few moments before letting out a detached chuckle. “You couldn’t have said this over the phone?”

  “I didn’t want this,” I whispered.

  She threw her hands into the hair, smacking her hand against the panoramic sunroof. “You have been giving me whiplash these past couple months, Nick. First, you ask me what I want from you. Then, you fucking kiss me. Next, your hand is down my pants after breaking us into a garden. We’ve been spending time together nonstop for the past month. You’ve been fucking with my head since the beginning of September. And suddenly, you’re just done?” Her voice cracked as a tear slid down her cheek.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to be with you Hayley, I do. But seeing you with someone else makes me irrationally angry.”

  “I don’t even like─”

  “That’s not what this is about!” I shouted. “You shouldn’t have to date someone else to keep this a secret. Every day, I realize what I’m doing to you. Every day, I let my selfishness get in the way just to keep you around. It’s wrong, Hayley. This is so wrong.” Hayley let out a loud laugh, furiously rubbing her cheeks. “You think this is funny?” She laughed again, shrugging her shoulders. “Speak, please,” I begged.

  “And say what?” she asked. “I've had no say in this entire situation. If you want to end it then just do it, okay? I'm tired of playing these games.” I stared at her, unsure of what to say. “Please take me home,” she whispered. “I don't want to be around you anymore than I have to be.” A noise escaped my lips at the sound of her words. It had felt as if someone were shoving a hot blade into my chest.

  Rachel’s voice reentered my mind. “You're just… Too young for me.” Her body went lax against the seat, all of the fight seemingly drained from her body. My heart ached as she put her head in her hands. “This isn't something I want to do, Hayley. I obviously fucking care about you. I want what's best for you and we both know that this isn't healthy. Nothing about this is healthy. You're sneaking around to be with someone ten years older than you. You're using someone to keep this a secret.” I turned down another road, only a street away from her house. I needed to get her out of my car before I began to backtrack. “You have changed so much since I met you and it's worrying me. I don't want you turning into someone you're not.”

  She let out a loud, hyena-like howl. “I appreciate your concern, Nick. But maybe next time you want to give someone some bullshit story, you should make sure your hands weren't up their shirt hours prior.” She unbuckled her seat belt, eyeing the door.

  “Please stop,” I whispered. “Let's just… take a break from all of this sexual stuff, okay? Just come to work, do your job and we can go back to how things were.” I pulled into the driveway, cutting the headlights off in the process. “Please?”

  She opened the door and faced me, eyes red and face filled with disgust. “If that's what you want, then fine.”

  Twenty-Six

  Hayley

  It was only Tuesday, but it felt like the longest week of my life. Three weeks had passed since our car conversation, and we spoke very little throughout our shifts. Nick had drastically reduced my hours to two days a week, leaving me bored and unhappy. He had even retracted his previous suggestion to help me with my history homework. In the six times I had seen him, he’d remained up front with Alex or Teresa, only visiting me to drop off scratched or damaged DVDs.

  My hands shook uncontrollably as I stepped through the front doors of Triple D. Alex greeted me with a salute and tossed me a Twizzler out of a bag. I thanked him before heading towards the office. I said a silent prayer that Nick would have the night off and pushed the door open. My prayers went unanswered.

  “Hayley,” he greeted. I ignored him and walked over to the cleaning machine. I should be looking for another job. There was no reason to settle for a ten dollar an hour job that provided me zero life skills. Congratulations, I could clean a disk. Who couldn’t? I should have been a server, or a concierge at a hotel. Anything was better
than sitting in this godforsaken room with a man I may or may not have been in love with.

  Over an hour had passed and Nick hadn’t said more than my first name. I was finished cleaning the DVDs and pulled out my history book to study. I had my history midterm on Thursday, and I was fairly certain I was going to fail. I was once again faced with the reality that I could do calculus with my eyes closed, but dead people completely ruined me. My eyes scanned my notebook, reading the poorly written notes I had taken down about the Scopes Monkey Trial. Frustrated, I threw my notebook against the wall. Nick was by my side in an instance.

  “What can I do to help?” Tears entered my eyes. “Please don’t cry,” he whispered.

  “Can I go home?” My voice quivered. “Since you so kindly cancelled our study sessions, I’m going to fail my midterm on Thursday. I get that you’re mad at me, but you seriously fucked me over.” My eyes were a faucet as black mascara ran down my face.

  “That’s more than enough time,” he assured me. “We’ll study all night tonight and tomorrow. We can even stay after the store closes?” I nodded my head again, feeling childish for crying. “I’ll meet you in the library tomorrow during lunch.” I remained silent. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I overreacted about you and Ryan.” I kept my eyes glued to the table, willing myself to stop crying.

  “I don’t understand why.”

  He sighed before picking up my notebook. “After your midterm, I’ll explain everything to you. Alright?” I crossed my arms over my chest and nodded again. “I’ll even let you know what you got on your exam before everyone else,” he whispered. My head shot up instantly.

  “You would do that?” I asked.