Ruin Me

by Madalyn Boucher

  He stared at me with red rimmed eyes. Without a word he stood up and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

  Forty

  Nick

  A monster. She had called me a monster. My hands shook as I brought a glass of whiskey to my lips. Rachel stared at me in horror, unsure of what to say. In the twenty-three-years of her life, this was the second time she had seen me cry.

  “Nick,” she whispered.

  I slammed my drink back before throwing it against the wall. Tiny shards of glass exploded onto the floor. “Tell me what the fuck I should do?” Tears filled my eyes again. “Tell me, Rachel? He has fucking pictures of us together. He knows everything. Am I just supposed to act like everything is completely fucking normal?” I ran a nervous hand through my hair before pacing back and forth. “I love her, Rachel. You should have heard what she said. God, you should have heard it.” I shoved my hand into my mouth, stifling a sob. “I hurt her. She thinks that I was just using her. She’s going to see me like she sees that sick motherfucker who—”

  “She’s not going to see you as someone like Taylor,” she claimed.

  I shook my head vehemently. “Not him, Rachel.” Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “There was this guy when she was younger. He fucking t-touched her—” The words caught in my throat as I pictured Hayley at the age of thirteen. I twisted my hands into my hair, nearly pulling out each follicle.

  Rachel wrapped her arms around my back and guided me to the couch. “Nick, you’re freaking me out.” She rubbed her hand against my arm, urging me to calm down. “You’re having a panic attack, alright?”

  “A what?” I asked. “No.”

  “Yes,” she whispered. “You need to calm down. In through your nose, out through your m—”

  “I know how to fucking breathe, Rachel!” Her eyes widened at the volume of my voice. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” She shrugged it off and gave me a weak smile. “I…You’re the only person I can talk to about this. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” I sunk further into the couch, agony rolling over me like a tidal wave.

  “We’ll figure this out,” she whispered.

  I ran a weary hand over my face, wiping away my remaining tears. “Have you told Ezra yet?” I asked.

  She let out a sigh before nodding her head. “He thinks it’s so poetic. Cancer survivor meets cancer researcher. God, he’s so ridiculous. But I like him. Like, a lot.” A smile spread across her face. “He’s the first guy I’ve ever felt this way towards.” I embraced her in a hug, coughing as she squeezed me. “I love you, Nick. We’ll figure this out.”

  Forty-One

  Hayley

  The next week of school was anything but easy. It seemed that every corner I turned down, Nick was standing there. He would lift his eyes from whatever he was doing, stare at me coldly, and go on with his day as if he hadn’t ripped my heart out of my chest. I hated him. I had never felt such rage towards a human being.

  “How was your sleepover?” Lacy asked Gabby.

  “What?” she asked, chewing on a piece of celery. Part of me wanted the vegetable to get lodged into her throat. Ryan chuckled beside me as if he were reading my mind. Panic consumed me moments later, realizing what Lacy was doing.

  “Didn’t you and Hayley have a sleepover a few weeks ago?”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” Gabby asked, eyeing me curiously. “If you stayed at my house, I’m pretty sure I would know.” My face turned bright red as I thought of an excuse. Lacy and Ryan eyed me expectantly.

  “I, uh…” My brain was melting.

  “That’s weird,” Lacy whispered. “I could have sworn Hayley told me that you guys hung out a few nights ago.” Gabby shrugged her shoulders before engaging in a new conversation with her cult. Lacy glared at me, obviously expecting answers. Ryan tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to take a walk with him. Great. I stared at Lacy, as if to ask What the fuck? before standing up and following Ryan out of the cafeteria.

  “What was that all about?” Ryan asked once we were in the hallway. I couldn’t help but let out a nervous chuckle. “What’s so funny?” he asked. I liked the way he looked when he was angry. I laughed even harder. “Stop it,” he demanded.

  “You’re not my boss,” I snapped. I could feel myself becoming truly crazy. My best friend was going to exploit me to the entire school if she didn’t keep her mouth shut. If she shared her suspicions with Taylor, I was going to get caught.

  “What is going on with you?” he pressed. “You haven’t talked to me for over a week. Lacy texted me and asked what I did to you?” The concern in his eyes made my heart feel even heavier than it was. I grabbed his hand and pressed my lips against his smooth skin.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’ve had a lot going on. I lied to my parents and Lacy about staying with Gabby. I just…I needed to get away for a night.” He eyed me skeptically before giving me a weak smile. “I stayed with my friend Teresa from work. I lied because she’s so much older than me, and I didn’t want anyone to ask questions.”

  “Was Mr. Foster there?” My blood ran cold at his question. Why had he asked me that? Had Lacy shared her suspicions with him? “Was it a party or just a sleepover?” I gave out a nervous laugh before shrugging my shoulders.

  “He fired me,” I informed him. He seemed extremely taken aback. “So, I don’t think you have anything to worry about him and I being around each other outside of school.”

  “Why’d he fire you?” I shrugged my shoulders. “Did he try anything on you? I’ll beat his ass, Hayley. Did he hurt you?” I hated how good Ryan was to me. It made me feel guilty for cheating on him with more than one person. He deserved someone better than me. “I’m eighteen,” he reminded me. “I can legally kick his teeth in.” I chuckled and hugged him, thankful that he stuck around. “I love you,” he whispered. I squeezed him a little tighter but stayed silent.

  •••

  My father took my mother, Lacy and I out to a Japanese restaurant the following week. During the onion volcano, he announced that he had accepted a position as a Judge. We all clapped in celebration as his face turned bright red.

  “Stop it, guys.” He beamed at the three of us. “I’ve spent too many years wrapped up in cases. I want to focus on my family, which includes you three. I—”

  “There he is!” My blood turned to ice at the sound of the familiar voice. My father covered his mouth with his hand, shooting my mother a surprised look.

  She smiled sweetly before pulling out an extra chair. “It wouldn’t be a celebration without him here,” she began. “I called him as soon as you told me you accepted the position." My mouth went dry as Trip sat between my parents. He was directly across from me.

  “Hello, Hayley.” My heart stopped beating as his golden gaze swept over my body. “You’ve grown up to be an exceptionally beautiful young woman.” Bile entered my throat. “And who’s this?” Lacy blushed under his stare.

  She extended her hand in his direction. “I’m Lacy.” My head grew fuzzy as I watched him shake her hand. He gave her a subtle wink before releasing her grip.

  I reached under the table and discreetly squeezed her thigh, praying that she heeded my warning. Instead, she smacked my hand away and met his eyes once more. I couldn’t breathe. I remained frozen in my seat the remainder of dinner. I felt Trip’s foot settle against mine, though I couldn’t bring myself to move it. I was trapped under his watchful eye.

  “Thank you again for inviting me.” I watched as Trip’s arms reached around my father and mother to give them a hug. He shook Lacy’s hand before extending his arms towards me. My family eyed me expectantly as I remained still. Trip took a few steps forward before squeezing my body tightly against his. “It’s nice to see you, Blue Eyes.”

  I remained silent the entire way home. Lacy engaged my parents in conversation, though no one noticed my strange behavior. I locked myself in my room, pacing back and forth. I needed
to leave my house. He knew where we lived—He could come over uninvited. I counted to thirty before grabbing my keys and running out the front door. I jumped into my car, backed out of the driveway, and drove as fast as I could. Sheets of snow blew against my windows. I could feel my entire body beginning to shake as I screamed, my voice becoming raw. I pulled over, beating my hands against the steering wheel, and screaming again. Five years. It had taken me five years to heal from what he had done to me and here I was, back to where I started.

  “Fuck!” I slammed my hands against the dashboard. I allowed the tears to pour out of my eyes. I didn’t know where to go, all I knew was that I couldn’t go back home. Not while he was still in town.

  I ran up to the apartment door, praying that it was the right one. Every door looked the same. I wiped underneath my eyes before knocking. The rain was still coming down in buckets, drenching me from head to toe. After a few moments passed I contemplated leaving; he was probably asleep. Finally, the door opened.

  “May I help you?” I came face to face with a breathtakingly beautiful, tall, blonde woman. I could feel my face turning bright red.

  “I’m sorry, I―”

  “Hey, is someone at the d―” I watched as Nick approached his front door. I stared at them, trying to figure out what was happening. Nick leaned into the blonde’s ear and whispered something before stepping outside. She slowly shut the door, staring at me skeptically as she did so. “Hayley, what are you doing here?” he asked me.

  I couldn’t respond. He had a girlfriend. “I shouldn’t be here…” My voice trailed off.

  “What happened?” He placed his hand on my shoulder. I ripped it away from him, remembering the way Trip had embraced me. Tears instantly fell from my eyes. “Hayley, what is going on?” I backed away from him. “Talk to me,” he whispered. “Please.”

  I shook my head back and forth, attempting to cease my tears. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. “He came back,” I whispered in between my sobs. A crack of lightning shot across the sky. “He showed up to dinner tonight and I…” I felt the knot in my chest return.

  Nick’s arms were around me, embracing me into a hug. He was whispering apologies into my ears over and over. The moment his lips touched my forehead I fell apart. Gigantic, sloppy tears fell from my eyes as sobs erupted from my throat. I clung onto his arms as if my life depended on it. He sat down on the curb, uncaring of the rain, and allowed me to sit on his lap. I buried my head into his shoulder and completely unraveled.

  “I froze,” I cried. “I wanted to run out of the restaurant, but I couldn’t.” My anger towards Nick was gone, I no longer I hated him. I wanted nothing more than to be right there with him. He was the only person I trusted.

  “I’m so sorry Hayley,” he whispered. The sound of thunder filled my ears. “You can stay here tonight if you want.” My mind went to the lady who was standing in his door. His girlfriend. I wanted to feel angry at him, but I didn’t have enough energy.

  “What about the girl?” I asked, wiping away my tears.

  “Who, Rachel?” he asked. I nodded my head. “She’s my little sister,” he began explaining. “She’s in town for a few days and is staying here. C’mon, let’s get out of the rain.” I felt relief wash over me. I took his hand and followed him inside. It wasn’t until we were out of the rain that I realized I was absolutely freezing. I watched as Nick’s sister stumbled away from the window, claiming she hadn’t been spying.

  “Rachel, this is Hayley.” She stared at me skeptically.

  “Looks a little young.” I gave Nick a panicked look.

  “Yeah, well. Hayley go in my room and find something dry.” I took that as my cue to leave the two of them alone, so I hurried back into his bedroom and found a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. I placed my wet clothes in his bathroom and waited for Nick. I wanted to know what he and his sister were talking about. Would he tell her what was going on between us? Did she already suspect something?

  “Hayley,” Nick whispered. I quickly sat up; unaware of what was going on. I looked around, slowly realizing that I was in Nick’s room. Dread filled my body as I remembered what had happened. “Are you okay?”

  “No,” I answered. I was too exhausted to lie. “I don’t know what to do.” He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me like he had outside. I wanted to feel safe again. “What did your sister say?” I asked.

  Nick took a seat beside me and smiled. “She was surprised to see that you were the infamous Hayley,” he told me. I stared at him, confused. “My sister and I have always been very close,” he explained. “She knows everything about us.” I didn’t know how to react.

  “You made me promise to never tell anyone.” I was flattered that he felt as if he couldn’t keep me a secret. It was nice to know I wasn’t the only one.

  “She’s hardly anyone.” I felt a smile spread across my face. I couldn’t believe that he was able to make me smile. “I’m sorry this happened to you, Hayley.” I crawled underneath his blanket and allowed him to wrap his arms around me. “You’re safe,” he whispered. “I promise.”

  “I believe you,” I murmured. He took my hand into his and stared at me, his eyes melting into mine. “I’m sorry for everything I said to you that night.” He sighed quietly and kissed my forehead. “You are nothing like him,” I whispered. “You will never be anything like him. You’re not a monster.”

  “You were drunk,” he mumbled. “You need sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.” He wrapped his arms around me and I began to relax. The fear of Trip began to subside as I felt Nick’s fingers intertwine with mine. He could take all my pain and fears away with just one glance. I would never understand how he did it, but in that instance, I didn’t care to know. I was just thankful that he was there.

  “Why did you fire me,” I whispered after a few moments. I knew that I needed sleep but the sound of his voice calmed me. “Please be honest.”

  “You have enough stress in your life right now, Hayley. Let’s talk about this another time.” His voice sounded strained.

  “Please, Nick. I’ve felt so incredibly empty without you.”

  He ran his hand through his hair before telling me everything Taylor had said to him. My stomach twisted in knots at the thought of him blackmailing Nick.

  “I thought that you hated me.” I could feel Nick’s chest rise and fall slower than it had before. “Would you have ever talked to me again if I hadn’t come here tonight?” I asked, tears entering my eyes. “Would you have continued to let me think you hated me?”

  “Seeing you around the high school has been so hard,” he told me. “I would look at you and remember everything, and it hurt. Do you not remember the party?” he asked me. I felt my face flush at the thought of Alex and my short-lived moment in the bedroom. “It took everything in me to not beat the living shit out of Alex that night. I was two seconds away from ripping his limbs clean off his body.” I giggled quietly. “And seeing you and Ryan in the hallways…You have no idea how hard this has been. I miss hearing you talk about your conspiracies and dreams and everything. I missed seeing your smile. I missed you, Hayley.” Tears fell from my eyes.

  “I love you,” he whispered. All of my worries, all of my fears, had somehow disappeared. The thought of Trip was a faraway memory, a distant nightmare. There, with Nick, I felt complete.

  “I love you too.” I allowed him to kiss me. “I am so thankful for you.” Nick wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. I inhaled deeply, wondering if he had some type of superpower I didn’t know about. He was doing the impossible.

  “I’ll never let anyone hurt you. I promise that I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to fix everything or die trying.”

  •••

  I woke up to Nick’s arm slung across my face, creating little room for me to breathe. I quietly rolled out of the bed and made my way into the kitchen for a glass of water. I was unfamiliar with the setup, so it took me a
few minutes before locating a cup. I flinched at the grumble of the ice dispenser and felt relieved after my glass of water was filled. I sat down on the kitchen floor and took a large gulp of it.

  I wanted to feel as if Trip hadn’t happened. I wanted to feel as if it were all a faraway nightmare that I was bound to wake up from. But no matter how many times I squeezed my eyes shut and reopened them, the panic remained. This wasn’t something that was going away.

  “You okay?” I heard a voice ask. I lifted my head from the floor, unaware that I had been crying. I quickly wiped my eyes and nodded my head towards Rachel. She extended her hand towards me and I took it. She led me onto the couch she had been sleeping on and demanded I took a seat. “He wasn’t lying when he called you gorgeous…Damn devil eyes.” I couldn’t help but smile.

  “Thank you.”

  “Why are you crying?” she asked. “What’d my fuckhead of a brother do this time?” I giggled and rolled my shoulders. “I can’t believe he fired you. What a dumbass.”

  “That’s what I said.”

  “I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you,” she told me. “He cares about you more than you can imagine.” Without thinking, I shrugged my shoulders. “I know it may not seem like it from time to time but trust me, he gives a shit. He was a mess the night of that stupid party.”

  “No,” I objected. “He did not tell you about that.” Her eyes narrowed. “What did he say about it?” I asked, terrified. I couldn’t believe that he had told his sister what I said.

  “He was a wreck, Hayley. He was convinced that you hated him and thought you were going to turn him in. He was in full panic mode…pacing back and forth, tears, hysteria…that kinda shit.” I must’ve looked completely petrified because she rested her hand on top of mine and gave me a small smile. “Look…Nick isn’t perfect, and he knows it. He’ll be the first person to tell you that he’s not.” I thought back to the day he told me he was anything but perfect. “I was completely irate when he told me about the two of you. I thought he was a fucking idiot.” Her bluntness took me off guard.