Breaking Old Habits

by Melissa Bender

  That was not a good thing.

  ***

  The light was on next door, and I could hear faint yelling as I walked towards our doorway. Karen was screaming at one of the boys, telling them to pick their shit up. I just wanted to run over there and bring them back here. It was a frequent occurrence, probably why they loathed staying with her so much. She always yelled at them.

  A pair of arms engulfed me as soon as I turned the key and locked the door behind me. Griffin’s front pressed against my back, his warm lips kissing down the base of my neck and towards the curve of my shoulder. He was holding me a little too tightly and stunk of booze. That did not surprise. He had been drinking all day.

  “I didn’t think you’d come home.”

  Me either, until I realised Harvey did in fact like me. “I fell asleep.”

  Turning me to face him, he held my cheeks in a firm grasp. His blue eyes focused on mine. “Where did you sleep? You were gone all day. I was worried you weren’t coming home.”

  Jealous much? Glad to know I could make him green with envy at times. It was just a small bit of what I felt on a usual basis. “On the couch. He wanted me to stay there instead of driving back.”

  “I’m sorry about earlier. I’m sorry about the car and texts. You were right. I should have your back more.” Finally. He finally admitted it. “The boys… I want them here with me all the time, but you know how she is and what she could do to keep that from happening.”

  She would make it her sole mission to ruin his life if he even tried to apply for more than fifty percent of custody rights. “Can’t you move away?”

  “And go where?” He took my hand, leading me to the couch. I noticed an empty pizza box on the floor along with tipped over empty beer cans. Paperwork was strewn around the coffee table with his iPad. He had been working.

  Shaking my head to the side, I pulled away from him. “I don’t like her, Griffin. It’s uncomfortable being around here. I get it; she’s your ex, but it’s not fair for me. I don’t know if I can keep—”

  He cut me off. “I can’t lose you,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry, baby. I can’t lose you, Ayla.”

  “You won’t.” I did not know what the future held, but I loved him, and at this moment, I was not leaving. Leaving was not an option.

  He did not believe me. He pulled me down to sit on his lap, and I tilted my head to the side, sadly. “Yes, you will.”

  This was a rare side to him. Right now, he was an emotional drunk who was spilling his feelings as well as his tears. Time for a change in subject. I untied my hair, letting my black locks fall past my shoulders. “She’s yelling at the boys.”

  He nodded and sighed, rubbing both hands through his hair then over his face. “I can’t do anything about it.”

  “I don’t like them being yelled at,” I informed him. He already knew it though. “I would never yell at our children like that.” When he was drunk, it was the only time I could talk about her and not have him argue back. He would listen and almost agree to anything.

  It was kind of bad, but I used it to my full advantage tonight. Well, I was.

  “Ayla…” he began. “I don’t want any more kids.”

  Wow. Full blow to the chest right there. The words have not completely sunk in yet, and I just stared at him in confusion. I swallowed hard, stroking my fingers through his hair and trying to keep calm when I wanted to rip the long hair from his skull. My brows dipped together as I asked softly, “You don’t want to have a baby with me?”

  “That’s not it. Of course, I would love to have children with you.”

  “Well, then what is it?” I frowned, clearly confused.

  With our fingers laced together, he squeezed them tightly and rested his forehead on mine. “I’ve been there before and did the whole diapers and sleepless nights. I just can’t see myself doing it again.”

  Tears began to run down my cheeks, and I bit my lower lip, shaking my head. I was unable to believe all this. “But you said—” I choked out a sob. “If I were older, would you?” Was I too young for him?

  “Your age has nothing to do with this, pretty.” He took my face in his hands firmly, holding it tight. I felt his warm tears hit my skin as he blinked them back. “You want a baby. You deserve to have one, and I can’t give you those things.”

  Have you ever seen a man crying? It was absolutely heartbreaking.

  “Griffin, you could change your mind.”

  He had to be talking rubbish, right? It was just the fear talking. There was a niggling voice in the back of my mind saying, ‘Drunks words are sober thoughts.’

  The hold he had on me loosened, and he began gently caressing my cheek. “I love you, Ayla, and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you, but marriage and babies? I just don’t want that.”

  He had filled me with false hopes. I should scream and call him a liar. I should be packing a bag and leaving him for leading me on with a hope that we would have a future together. But I was not moving. I was stuck there, stroking his long locks as his eyes began to close, and more tears spilled out. I sat there and promised him that it did not matter.

  “I won’t leave you. Toby and Mack… they’re enough for me.” Were they? Did I really need a ring to commit to him fully? It was just a name, right? It was only a piece of paper, and not having that would not change the fact that we were madly in love.

  “Promise me that you won’t leave.”

  Walk away, Ayla. Don’t give it all up for him. “I promise.” Stupid girl. I was just a stupid girl in love.

  His salty tears mixed with mine as he leant in and kissed me passionately. His hand then slid from my cheek to around the back of my head, drawing me in closer. We kissed until it felt like a dream, our bodies pressed together. Griffin stood, lifting me with ease, and carried me down to our bedroom. Laying me on the bed, he touched me all over like we had not been together in years, a sweet reunion to make up for.

  He stripped his clothes, and mine too, as we lay naked, kissing and holding one another with primal need. Our bodies were joined, sweaty and desperate for more. Nothing was enough right now.

  “I love you, Ayla.” His sweet murmurs were caressing my skin, and his fingers were starting to dig into the curve of my ass, pulling me into him as he began thrusting quicker, needier. “I love you so much.”

  Clinging to his shoulders, I raised my hips as my orgasm hit, and I came undone around him. “I love you too.” I cried in sweet ecstasy until he came and collapsed against my body. Not pulling out just yet, he held me tightly and kissed me down my body, making his way between my thighs.

  His tongue circled my tender bud, licking back and forth as two fingers slid deep into me. Another went into my ass. His teeth were gently nipping and biting against my clit—sucking, licking until that blankness began washing back over me, sending me clutching the bed sheet as another blinding orgasm ripped through me.

  His tongue was replaced once again with the thick head of his erection, slowly pushing back in and starting all over again. This time with more dominance. We spent a good part of the night this way, fucking and making love, changing from hard to soft and fast to slow. Our bodies slapped loudly, and our lips rarely left each other. Griffin’s final orgasm came out with hot spurts as he groaned deeply and gave me a final thrust.

  Lying naked in his arms, I could see he was heavily asleep, and I should have been too. I just could not sleep, though. Too many thoughts were running through my mind. There was too much to think about. It was slowly sinking in… his words and what I had promised him.

  As I lay there, I could not help but feel the full impact of the promise I agreed to. I was giving up becoming a mother of my own children, of being a wife.

  Tears began to spill anew as I regretted it, and I would, for as long as he and I were together.

  CHAPTER SIX

  “I’ll have a large chai latte, one blueberry muffin, and two croissants. Thanks.”

  I took the cash and
slipped it in the front of my black apron as the woman juggling two little kids at her feet placed her order. I felt a tug in my heart as I smiled down at them before hastily starting on her coffee.

  With a killer migraine coming on, I really could not wait to knock off and head home. We were going out to friends for barbecue and drinks.

  “You’re leaving already?” Harvey came over as I was in the back room grabbing my coat. “I thought you worked until five?”

  “I changed it so I could head home early.” I slipped my arm into the long, thick, grey sleeve and started doing up the buttons. “We’re still on for next week, right?” He and I were swapping shifts. I had something planned for Griffin’s birthday and wanted to surprise him. Really surprise him.

  Harvey smiled, leaning against the wall. “Yes. You know…” That cheeky grin of his spread across his face, and I too smiled back. “You could give me something for helping you out.”

  Rolling my eyes, I crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m not sucking your cock.”

  “Jesus!” he snorted, clearly not expecting that as he brushed a hand through his dark hair, laughing. “You think that’s all I’d want off you?”

  “Well, who knows with you?” I winked.

  He just laughed and shook his head. Taking a step towards me, he placed a soft kiss on my cheek, very close to my lips, and whispered. “Don’t stay up too late.”

  I was unprepared for that

  My heart was racing as he shuffled backwards, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. I was stunned, unsure whether it was just a normal friendly kiss or intended to mean more. I quickly reached for my bag, grabbing it and slinging the strap over my shoulder. I spoke to no one in particular. “I’ll see you later.”

  I never uttered a word of what happened to Griffin. How could I? He would assume the worst and make me feel as if I had done the wrong thing. It was not intentional. I had come to the decision that it was not anything more than just a friendly kiss.

  Kicking off my boots as I walked into the house, I noticed it was dead quiet. It was unusual.

  Well, not quite since the boys were over at their mother’s and Griffin would normally just lie in bed waiting for me. He would usually send me a couple cock pics now and then to let me know he was hard and ready for me. When was he not?

  “Baby?” I called out.

  I internally wanted to smack myself in the face at that word—a word I would love to transform into an actual baby. That promise I made him was still heavy in my stomach, swirling around with regret. Stupid was I to promise that. I was weak and gave in.

  I should not have said that.

  I could not help but think that perhaps he would change his mind and that later down the track, we would have that together.

  He lied to me. He knew I wanted a family of my own, and I deserved that. But I loved him, and love made people blind. We have the boys: Toby and Mack. I loved them, but I have never had the chance to experience being pregnant or holding my own child in my arms.

  Why was I craving babies all of a sudden? Last week, I was happy to wait a few years for them, but ever since Griffin had taken that future away from us, it had been on my mind quite a bit.

  No babies, and no ring on my finger.

  My mother will just love this. I could not tell her. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone that my boyfriend did not want these things with me. Maybe it was an age issue, and he just did not want to admit it.

  “You know I hate it when you call me that.” I heard him grumble from outside.

  I followed his voice to where he was leaning against the open door and watched him bend down to pick up one of my pink bras, pegging it on the line. “I don’t care.” All other thoughts left my mind as I walked over, snaking my arms around him from behind to engulf him in a tight hug. “You’re all mine, and I find you sexy.”

  He smelt like home as I inhaled his scent, still holding him close. Turning, he brushed his forefinger and thumb through my hair and smiled. “I missed you today.”

  I honestly was not sure if he was mine or not. “I missed you. What time are we leaving?”

  “Once I finish these,” he answered. “Ayla,” he said immediately after. My arms were raised above my head when I caught his worrying stare. “Are we ok?” He asked as I pulled away, picking up a black pair of socks to peg out.

  Clipping down the peg, I forced a smile. “Course we are. I need to shower, though. I smell like coffee.” I moved away quickly.

  “I’ll just finish up out here. She wants their uniforms washed, dried, and folded for tomorrow.”

  I paused, turning with a frown and glancing over her way. At least he was smart enough to build a privacy wall between the two houses for when we were outside. “Tomorrow is Saturday. Why does she need them then?”

  “I don’t know. You know how she gets.” He sighed heavily.

  ***

  We did not miss the movement from her bedroom window. Karen was peeking through the curtains as Griffin reversed out the driveway, gawking at us both with curious and prying eyes. It would kill her not knowing where we were off to. She always needed to know if it was a date night or just for a drive.

  I could see the bonfire up ahead when we pulled into the front driveway of Charlie’s house. I was excited for a fun night, needing to enjoy a night out and forget the weeks’ stress that was weighing down on my shoulders.

  Charlie and Griffin had been friends since high school. Their group of friends had grown up together and remained close. It was a little weird at first meeting them since I was the odd one out and Karen was no longer hanging around. From what I could tell, they did not go too much on her, but the girls were still friendly with her.

  Maggy waved over at us with a pair of tongs in the air as she held a plate full of steaks and burgers. I waved back. I was slowly easing into new friendships with the people Griffin had grown up with. They were nice enough to me. They were polite because they had to be.

  Griffin was already in for a big night as he cracked open a Jack Daniel’s can, swigging a large mouthful. His other hand was firm on my ass as I carried our cooler bag of drinks, and by drinks, I meant my coke and his alcohol. I would have to drive us back home afterwards.

  “I see you’ve finally learned how to use a grill,” Griffin called out, giving my ass a squeeze as we walked over to Charlie.

  “Yeah, sure is. Don’t worry. I’m keeping an eye, so we all don’t get food poisoning.” Maggy turned to me, wearing a smile, but it wasn’t genuine. “Hi, Ayla, how are you?”

  “I’m alright. Thanks.” I found myself shy around his friends, knowing that all of them were judging me. How could they not? I was years younger, and their other friend loathed me.

  The guys? Not so much. Bryan was the only single one, and he was coming back to ours tonight to crash with us. The poor fella was in for a loud awakening if he does not sleep deep enough. Then again, maybe Griffin would be too drunk to perform. It has happened before. He literally passed out and left me naked and spread with his head resting against the inner of my thigh.

  “Aw, you didn’t bring the boys?” Maggy asked, brushing her blonde hair to one side and pulling open her own drink of a vodka mixed with raspberry drink as Charlie joined us. “Stefan and Ethan were looking forward to playing on the trampoline with them.”

  “It’s not our weekend,” Griffin mumbled. He could have brought them. Karen was just being a dog about it, saying she already had plans with them.

  “Where are they?” I asked, looking around until I spotted them jumping and playing wrestling. They were also twins, nine years old, and god could they be rough with each other! They were always wrestling and pushing just to agitate the other.

  Griffin gave them a wave, calling out loudly, “Hey, boys! Ayla wants to get on with you and fight too!”

  I laughed, nudging him in the side. “Liar.” I did love trampolines and bouncing. Well, on something else that was more pleasurable.

  “Please, Ayla!
Come and jump with us!” Stefan called out, waving with both arms in the air. He was trying to look over the black netting around the trampoline, but he was too little to see above it.

  “Soon,” I called back out with a promise.

  “Charlie wouldn’t let me invite Karen…” Oh, boy. Maggy sighed. “I didn’t see the problem since you live so close and get along well.”

  I clenched my teeth. Breathe. Just breathe.

  Griffin shrugged and pulled out a lighter for his cigarette.

  “I don’t think it’s any of your business, Maggy.” Charlie frowned at her, shaking his head. “It would have made things awkward for Ayla.”

  “She’s my best friend.” She countered.

  “And he’s been my friend longer. Now, stop this crap and quit bringing up unwanted shit none of us want to talk about…”

  I just got up and left them to their lover’s quarrel. Griffin followed closely behind, letting out a whistle every time I wiggled my backside at him.

  This was what it was often like between us—playful and fun. I missed it terribly.

  Laughter bubbled inside of me as I giggled hysterically, bouncing up and down, trying to catch and jump up with them. Ethan was the smallest, and would just fly into the air whenever I got close enough near him. I jumped until my legs began to hurt, and that did not take too long. I was puffing hard when I collapsed on my back with both boys jumping around me. I let out a yelp as one stomped on my hair and pulled on it.

  It turned into a game of try-and-jump-on-Ayla’s-hair, which then turned into catch-the-boys-and-put-them-to-bed.

  “See ya, Ayla! Goodnight!” Stefan grinned, coming over and hugging me after I sat back down on one of the cloth-covered hay bales.

  “Night, boys.” I hugged them both back and leant in to snuggle against Griffin, trying to keep warm. “That wore me out big time.”

  “You two need to get your arses into gear and have a baby. I bet the boys would love a little sister running about.” Maggy’s other friend, Helena pointed out as she walked by us, nudging Griffin in the side. She and I actually did get along.