Fear

by Adrianne Lemke

  Traci held up her hand to calm Kerry. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure Janie will understand that you had to be here to help Ryan. Call her now while Ryan’s in the shower. Maybe she can come over to talk to him.”

  “Frank told my mom that after his parents were killed, Ryan did not talk to anybody who approached him. In order to get anything out of him, they had to allow him to reach out and talk to them. Janie was the first one he approached.”

  “I talked to him after we saw Frank,” Traci said. “He talked to me, but he wasn’t initiating anything. I basically had to lead him through everything, even getting him into bed.”

  Hearing about Ryan’s lack of responsiveness made Kerry sad. She acknowledged what Traci told her, and got out her cell phone. “I’m calling Janie. Even if he won’t talk to any of us, he needs to know that we’re all here for him.”

  ***

  Kerry would have been ashamed to admit it, but she was relieved that Janie had already heard about Frank’s death. “I would have come over right away, but I didn’t even know if Ryan was home. No one answered his phone when I called. I heard he saw the crime scene, and I thought he might have gone somewhere to hide from it for a while.

  “I’ll be there in a couple minutes. I’ll bring some food along. I’m sure Ryan hasn’t eaten anything, and he needs to keep up his strength.” Janie hung up the phone, leaving Kerry to fold her cell phone and continue waiting for Ryan to emerge from his room.

  “She’s coming over?” Traci asked.

  Kerry nodded. “Yeah, she’s bringing some food too. She wants Ryan to eat something. Do you know when he last ate?”

  Traci shrugged. “I’m assuming it was before our shift started. We got the call about Frank about two hours into the shift, so around eleven o’clock. I know he hasn’t eaten anything since then. What time is it?”

  “It’s around ten o’clock, so assuming he hasn’t eaten anything since before nine o’clock last night, he’s gone over twelve hours without eating—”

  They stopped talking as they heard the bedroom door opening, and saw Ryan slowly making his way toward them. His short, brown hair was wet from the shower, and he had changed into jeans and a T-shirt.

  “It wasn’t a dream, was it?” Ryan asked softly. He made eye contact with Traci, and she was struck by how lost he looked.

  “I’m sorry, Ryan.”

  He nodded, and his eyes took on the blank look they had held before Traci had made him go to sleep. He showed no emotion at all, which somehow made him seem even younger.

  Kerry wasn’t sure if he had noticed that she was there until he spoke his voice flat. “She shouldn’t be here.”

  “Ryan, she’s here to be with you,” Traci argued mildly with her partner. She didn’t want to alienate him from talking to her, but she couldn’t stand the hurt look that flashed across Kerry’s face when he’d spoken.

  “She can’t be here,” Ryan said again, his voice getting louder. “He’ll see her, and he’ll kill her. She has to leave, and she can’t come back!” Ryan became increasingly agitated as he spoke.

  Traci put her hand on Ryan’s shoulder to calm him. She noticed that Ryan hadn’t even looked at Kerry or even aimed any of his comments at her. He had only spoken to Traci. “Ryan, do you really think you’ll be able to fool him into thinking you don’t care about her if you push her away right now? She’ll be safer if we all stick together. If you push her away, how are you going to be able to be sure that she’s safe?”

  Kerry didn’t speak as she listened to Ryan and his partner discuss her as if she weren’t even there. She couldn’t deny that Ryan’s insistence that she leave and his refusal to speak to her hurt, but she didn’t want to break the connection he had been able to make with his partner. She hoped Traci’s words would get through to him, but she couldn’t be sure. It didn’t seem to be doing any good, as Ryan was in no condition to be reasoned with.

  “Ryan? You need Kerry around right now as much as she needs to be around.” Ryan hadn’t responded to Traci’s words, and she wasn’t sure if he was even listening to her anymore. Before she could try talking to him again, there was a knock at the door.

  “Janie’s here,” Kerry said softly as she rose from her seat on the couch to let the older woman in.

  “How is he?” Janie asked quietly as she and Kerry went to the kitchen to drop off the pan of food that she had brought.

  Kerry shrugged, and the motherly woman noticed that she looked sad and hurt. “So far he’s only talked to Traci, mostly about how I can’t be here right now. He hasn’t said a word to me, or even looked at me since he came out of his room.”

  Janie shook her head sadly. “It’s the same as when he was a child. He pushed everyone away from him until he could no longer stand to be alone. We can’t push him right now, or he could fall apart.” She patted the young woman’s arm in support. “Shall we join them?” she asked.

  Kerry nodded, and the two women walked into the living room where Traci and Ryan still stood. Ryan seemed like he hadn’t moved at all, and Traci was looking slightly frustrated that Ryan hadn’t responded to her for about five minutes.

  “Ryan, dear, you look tired. You should sit down,” Janie said as she walked into the room. Ryan’s eyes flickered up toward Jane, and she was filled with grief at the emptiness she saw in the young man’s eyes. “Sweetie, you don’t have to talk to us; just let us be here for you, okay?”

  Ryan didn’t respond for a couple minutes, but eventually he moved to sit down at the couch. Janie smiled and sat next to him, patting his knee. “There now, that’s better, isn’t it?”

  Ryan sat, staring straight ahead at the blank TV.

  “We should see what’s on right now. It’s no good sitting in front of the TV if it’s not even on.” Janie continued talking to Ryan as she turned on the TV, and both Kerry and Traci watched in amazement as Janie treated the semi-catatonic Ryan as if nothing unusual was happening.

  “She’s not safe with me,” Ryan spoke softly, but both Traci and Kerry jumped. He hadn’t spoken in nearly an hour, and they had been nearly hypnotized by the older woman’s voice. Janie was the only one of the women that didn’t act startled when he spoke.

  “Why isn’t she safe with you?” Janie asked. “You’re a police officer, a darn good one too. I told you that you would be, didn’t I?”

  Traci was amused by the older woman, and was impressed that she had been able to set aside her own grief at losing a friend in order to help Ryan through his pain.

  “He’ll use her against me,” Ryan continued to speak softly, but the flatness was leaving his tone, leaving him sounding young and scared.

  “Ryan, he won’t get her. She’s safe. You made sure she had an alarm system installed at her house, and she has that monster black dog protecting her.”

  “It’s my fault,” Ryan said, looking up at Janie for confirmation. “It’s my fault he’s dead. If I would have stopped digging, he wouldn’t have died.”

  Both Traci and Kerry made noises indicating their disbelief that Ryan would believe such an insane thing, but both allowed Janie to continue handling the situation. “Ryan, you know that’s not true. There’s no way you could have stopped digging. This monster needs to be caught, and he would have ended up hurting someone eventually. From what Fr— I’ve heard, this guy was becoming more violent even before you started digging.”

  “I’ll kill him,” Ryan spoke again, his voice hard. Janie looked up at him in shock, and she could see the anger that shone in his cold eyes. “I’ll find him, and I’ll kill him before he can hurt anyone else. He doesn’t deserve to live.”

  Both Traci and Kerry looked at Ryan unable to hide the shock from their faces. The Ryan they knew wouldn’t be capable of murder, but the man sitting with them on the couch looked fully capable of killing a man with his bare hands.

  “Hey partner, what do you say we go work out some of that aggression later on?” Traci joked, hoping to lighten the mood. From the looks on the oth
er women’s faces, her attempt failed miserably. She just shrugged at them and raised her eyebrows, cocking her head in Ryan’s direction as if to say, do you have a better idea?

  “I need to go running or something,” Ryan felt the rage coursing through his entire being, and he needed to get rid of some of it. Even to himself he sounded wired and full of pent up energy.

  “I’ll run with you if you want,” Traci offered. “I have my workout stuff out in the squad car.”

  Ryan shrugged, his gesture clearly saying he didn’t care what Traci did, as long as he was able to get out of the house and get rid of some of his suddenly apparent energy. He couldn’t figure out the roller coaster of emotions he was going through. So far he’d been completely depressed, full of rage, unresponsive, and now full of energy. Ryan went to his bedroom without saying a word to any of the three women with him.

  As he changed into running shorts and a gray T-shirt with the sleeves ripped off, Ryan thought about his stalker. He tried his best to avoid thinking about Frank, knowing that the wound was way too fresh to probe at for the time being.

  They had a picture of a possible suspect. That could not be ignored, and he wouldn’t wait to find out who it was. Somehow he had to convince Traci that he had to go back to the station and find the guy. He’d have to give his statement to the investigating officers, most likely the next day. Maybe he’d be able to spend some time at his computer trying to find a name to go with the face. There was something familiar about the man Matthews had pointed out, but Ryan couldn’t figure out what it was. He hoped the running would help him put things together enough to get his job done.

  He came out of the bedroom, and noticed that Traci had already come back with her gym bag, and was changing in the guest bedroom. Kerry and Janie would stay at the apartment while they ran, and that was fine with Ryan. Contrary to their belief, he did not need to be surrounded. He needed some alone time and knew he could outrun Traci and achieve at least some semblance of being alone.

  Ryan felt Kerry’s and Janie’s eyes on him as he put on his running shoes, but he ignored them. He figured he must still be in shock, but since he didn’t know how to counteract shock in himself, he decided to try to ignore it and just go about his routine.

  Traci came out of the back bedroom dressed similarly to her partner in running shorts and a tank top. She had pulled her hair into a ponytail, and had a sweatband wrapped around her head. Without waiting to see if she was ready to go, Ryan stepped out of the apartment.

  Traci looked at Kerry and Janie. “Don’t worry; I’ll keep an eye on him. The stalker is probably watching him right now to gauge his reaction to Frank’s death. He’ll want to know if he’s won this round or if Ryan is going to continue searching for him and risk anyone else that’s close to him. He’s in no shape to watch for someone, so I’ll be doing it for him.”

  “Thank you, Traci. I hope this run helps him clear his mind, and figure out that he doesn’t need to push people away right now,” Kerry said. Her eyes were filled with tears, and Traci couldn’t tell if they were for Ryan’s predicament or for the fact that Ryan had pushed Kerry specifically away from him.

  Deciding that wasn’t important for the time being, Traci nodded at the other two women and followed Ryan’s path out of the apartment. She hoped he had stopped at the front to stretch, but when she got outside, she noticed that he was already a block away.

  She swore under her breath and knew that she would be nursing sore muscles from her lack of stretching, but she followed her partner, hoping to at least keep him in sight.

  Ryan ran as if something was chasing him. He could feel the presence of the stalker, and tried as hard as he could to get away from it. He ran for several blocks before he remembered that Traci was supposed to be behind him, and his panic eased enough for him to slow his pace to a jog to allow her to catch up. It took a few minutes, but he heard Traci breathing hard as she came up behind him.

  “Feeling any better?” she asked him as they slowed to a walk. “You’ve been sprinting for about half a mile.”

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to get so far ahead,” Ryan said. Traci was happy to hear some inflection in his voice after the flatness it had taken at the apartment.

  “I don’t know what to do, Traci,” he admitted, sounding lost.

  “We need to run back to your apartment, for one,” Traci said lightly. With a serious tone, she added, “And for another you need to acknowledge your girlfriend. She’s worried about you, and you haven’t said a word to her since she came over.”

  Ryan hung his head, but when he looked up Traci could see the stubbornness in his eyes. “I can’t. She’ll be safer away from me, at least until this guy is caught. I need her to understand that. I just want her safe, and being with me isn’t safe. The ironic thing is, she’s not even my girlfriend,” he said with a laugh. “We’re just friends, but apparently even that isn’t allowed.”

  “I think she’d be safer with you watching out for her,” Traci coaxed gently; trying to get him to change his mind.

  Ryan shook his head stubbornly and Traci could see the resolve in his eyes. “No. You saw the warnings. There were pictures of me, Frank, and Kerry and now Frank is dead. It’s because of me, and I’m not going to let that happen to Kerry too. I wouldn’t be able to live with it,” he admitted softly.

  He and Traci had turned and were about halfway back to his apartment.

  Traci studied her partner as his expression begged her to understand his desires. He didn’t want to push Kerry away. He felt that he needed to push her away. Nothing Traci could say would change his mind, and she had a feeling that Kerry wouldn’t accept the situation without a fight.

  “Ryan, I understand how you feel, but this psycho won’t believe that you don’t care about Kerry anymore if you push her away; he would still go after her to get to you.” It might not have been the best technique to take with Ryan right after Frank had been killed, but Traci had the feeling that working the guilt would get Ryan to agree to let Kerry stay with him.

  “I’ll talk to her,” Ryan conceded. His tone suggested that nothing would keep him from following his original plan, but Traci still held out hope that Kerry would be able to talk some sense into him.

  SIXTEEN

  Ryan and Traci entered the apartment, and Janie was finally able to convince Ryan to eat something. Running had made him hungry, and it was a good excuse for him to put off talking to Kerry. He kept his eyes down, and spoke very little to Janie and Traci.

  Kerry didn’t even try to speak to him. She knew that he would talk to her when he felt ready, but that knowledge didn’t take away the hurt that she felt when he refused to even look at her. Whenever she did get a glance at his eyes, they were filled with barely controlled fury. She saw Traci giving Ryan some meaningful glances as he ate, but he ignored his partner. Kerry thought Traci had talked to him during their run and had convinced him that Kerry wasn’t going to let herself be pushed away simply because he wouldn’t talk to her.

  Ryan finished eating and cleared his throat as if hesitant to begin speaking. He looked at Kerry, but was unable to hold eye contact with her as he spoke. “I need to talk to you,” he said simply as if he hadn’t been ignoring her for the entire day.

  Kerry followed him into the living room, leaving Traci and Janie in the kitchen talking about something. Kerry thought she heard her name mentioned, and figured they were talking about whatever Ryan wanted to tell her. “I can’t let you stay with me,” Ryan stated, looking at the floor as he spoke. “It’s not safe, and Frank’s murder proves it. I don’t want you hurt because of me.”

  “Ry, if I do get hurt, it won’t be because of you; you need to know that no matter what happens to me, I will never blame you for it. But what you were doing today? Not talking to me? That hurt. I don’t want you to ever feel that you can’t talk to me.”

  “Look, Ryan, I know you’re hurting right now, but that only means that you need the people you love to be around you. Yo
u can’t deal with this on your own, and I’m here to help you. I don’t care if you can’t accept that, I’m not going anywhere,” Kerry finished strongly, knowing that if she showed fear or weakness Ryan would use that as a reason to keep her away from him.

  “I just don’t want you around for the end of this,” Ryan said. “I may need to do some things you wouldn’t approve of to get rid of this guy before he can hurt anyone else, and I don’t want you to get in the middle of it.”

  “Don’t you think the guy would know that you would still do whatever it took to protect me, even if we weren’t spending time together anymore? He would know you don’t hate me enough to leave me unprotected.”

  “She’s right, you know,” Traci said, entering the living room with Janie close behind nodding her head. “The killer could take her and use her against you, or he could kill her, knowing it would break you. I’m sure that’s what he wants. He wants you broken so he can come in and start controlling you. Are you really going to let that happen?”

  Ryan looked at the three women who were facing off against him, and shook his head.

  “I was only trying to keep her safe,” he whispered, the fury in his eyes giving way to show some of the pain he felt at his uncle’s death. “I don’t want to hurt you in any way, Kerry. You know that, right?”

  Kerry nodded. “I know. And that’s how I know that you aren’t going to force me to leave. You know I love you too much to leave you alone to deal with your uncle’s death. I want to do what I can to ease the pain.”

  Ryan finally looked like he was going to agree to allow Kerry to help him. “Okay,” he said. “But I have one condition,”—he paused for a moment to make sure she was listening to him—“I want you and Ebony to stay at the apartment with me. I’ll feel better if I know where you are. You could have my bed, and I’ll sleep on the couch. I do that half the time anyway. As for Ebony,” he said with sadness creeping into his voice. “I still have Hunter’s crate. She can stay in it while you’re here.”