Lighthouses

by Trost, Cameron

  ‘Much appreciated. I’m making Andy’s favourite. Carbonara. I got some nice white wine to go with it too. Actually, it’s not much work making the carbonara, but do you reckon you could give me a hand getting the kids toys?’ she gave me a salute and we went off to the kids’ old room.

  We hadn’t changed it much since they’d left. It was much tidier of course. Trying to keep a room with two kids in it tidy had been nigh on impossible. Two beds lined the walls, and a chest of drawers with a mirror stood between them. I suddenly laughed. ‘God, remember the time you two split the room down the middle?’

  She laughed, ‘Yeah, it was a bit of fun.’

  ‘Bit of fun?’ I laughed incredulously. ‘Your side had the door, and you refused to let Andy leave the room. The poor kid ended up peeing his pants.’

  Her expression soured. ‘You thrashed us both pretty bad. Me I get, but I still don’t know why you thrashed Andy.’

  The smile went off my face. Kids never realise that most of the time you’re making it up on the spot. You have a general plan, then something stupid happens and you have to figure out how to deal with it. I shrugged my shoulders. ‘It seemed like the right way to deal with it. You know, I regretted it moments later. I always did. Even when you deserved it.’

  ‘Correction; when you felt we deserved it.’

  ‘You’ll understand when you have kids.’

  ‘I wonder if Andy does.’

  ‘I’m sure he does,’ I replied, but I had my doubts. I gestured toward the large wooden chest at the end of one of the beds. ‘Here, you grab one end.’

  We went over to the chest and each picked one end up. It wasn’t so heavy, just kind of bulky. Together, we lifted it out to the living room and plonked it down in an open space between the couches and the kitchen area.

  ‘We haven’t had a chance to bring these toys out, you know?’ I said. ‘Josh was too young to bring them out last time they were over.’ Mary came over and hugged me from behind, resting her head on my shoulder. ‘Hopefully, we can patch things up with Andy tonight,’ she said.

  I nodded grimly. ‘You know I would in a heartbeat, but I just don’t know what the problem is.’ I looked over to my daughter, hoping for some guidance or insight. She had a puzzled expression on her face for a few moments. Sometimes, I really didn’t know what she was thinking. Instead of saying anything though, she came up and gave me a big hug. A proper hug, the kind where you squeeze the person tight to you. It was nice to have both my girls hugging me.

  ‘Thanks, sweetie. I needed that,’ I said, smiling down at her. I breathed out hurriedly. I could feel my teeth begin to chatter. ‘God, I’m nervous. I shouldn’t be, but . . .’ before I could finish, the doorbell rang.

  Janice hung back a little. I looked back to her and she gave me a thumbs-up. I took a deep breath and opened the door. The whole family was there. Jessy wore jeans and one of those long t-shirts that doubled as a dress. I could never figure out what to call them. Dress seemed wrong since you wouldn’t wear it on its own. But it was too long to be a t-shirt. On anyone else, you’d probably assume they were going casual, but somehow, Jessy always managed to make whatever she wore look classy. Her brown hair came down in curls and her bright green eyes could have warmed an ice box. Despite the long hair, she always reminded me of Audrey Hepburn.

  ‘David,’ she called. ‘It’s so good to see you again.’

  She gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. She moved on to greet the others. Andy and I stood there looking at each other. He was wearing a white shirt unbuttoned at the collar and khaki pants. His hair was a little messy. Andy took after his mum more than me. I’d always thought it was a bit of a shame it hadn’t been the other way around. Still, both our kids were gorgeous, if I do say so myself. Little Josh, going on three years old, was in his arms, wearing a white t-shirt with I love my mummy embroidered across it in black, and a great big red love heart. There wasn’t the faintest hint of recognition in his eyes. It crushed my heart to see it.

  I cleared my throat. It felt like something was caught there. ‘G’day, Andy. You’re looking well.’ I turned to Josh and cooed at him. He was absolutely adorable. Definitely took the best from both sides. I put my arms out to take him, but Josh nestled into his father’s neck.

  ‘Sorry, dad. He’s going through a shy phase. Maybe you can try again later.’

  I looked up at Andy, glad to hear his voice again, and gave him a hug. Josh pushed me away. Andy and I laughed. I stepped out of the way so they could greet Mary and Janice.

  ‘Come on, scamp. I’ve got the old toy box out just for you,’ I said and led us all into the living room, ‘Sit down you lot. Josh, come check this out.’

  With a dash of showmanship, I lifted the lid. We had filled it with the toys the kids used to play with; the ones that had survived the years anyway. Josh wriggled out of Andy’s hand and raced over to the box to investigate, giving us all a good laugh. Mary went over to sit with him while we all chatted. She happily showed him the different toys in the box, although he didn’t seem to want to look at anything she showed him. Instead, he just dived in, searching the box himself like any other three year old. Mary changed her tack and just sat with the boy instead.

  ‘That should keep him busy,’ I said, satisfied. I turned to face the others. ‘What would you like? Tea, coffee, beer, wine?’

  ‘I’ll try that wine you mentioned, dad,’ Janice said.

  ‘Wine would be nice,’ added Jessy.

  ‘Wine for you too, mate?’ I asked Andy.

  ‘Yeah. Thanks, dad.’

  Mary came to the kitchen with me to give me a hand.

  ‘Looks like it’s going well,’ she said cheerfully.

  ‘Yeah,’ I replied. ‘I think so too. I didn’t realise how much I missed that boy.’

  We put the bottle and the glasses on a tray and I carried it to the next room.

  ‘How’s life, Andy?’ I asked once I’d served everyone.

  ‘Got moved to full-time.’

  ‘Thatta, boy. We always knew you’d be successful. You seemed to have a keen business mind.’

  ‘Yeah, so I’ve heard,’ he replied.

  ‘How about you, Jessy? What’re you doing now?’

  ‘Usual, usual, went back to work, although it was hell trying to find a kindergarten we liked. I can’t believe there isn’t a proper system. Instead, we have all these half-arsed private groups trying to take our money.’

  ‘I know what you mean. Back when we had you kids, we were lucky if the place didn’t just plonk them in front of the TV,’ I replied.

  Josh had found a toy bus to play with and ran over to Andy saying, ‘Look, dad. Bus, dad, bus,’ and started running it up and down Andy’s arm making brooming sounds with it.

  ‘He’s really grown up, hasn’t he?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Andy proudly. ‘He’s human now. It’s funny how the first year, they don’t feel human.’

  ‘They’ve gotta have time to figure things out,’ I replied, ‘Is he settled? Eating and sleeping well?’

  ‘No problems with that. He does say no and stop it a lot though.’

  ‘That age, huh? Don’t worry, it’ll pass.’

  ‘Everything’s a phase until they’re twenty five,’ said Mary.

  ‘His language is really coming along,’ said Jessy. ‘It’s amazing watching him develop.’ We all nodded and watched him play for a little. He soon became aware of us and ran over to Jessy for a hug.

  ‘Shall we eat?’ I asked. ‘I made your favourite, Andy — carbonara.’

  ‘That’s great.’

  Jessy laughed. ‘You know whenever Andy cooks, it’s always carbonara,’

  The table would have been a tight squeeze with the five adults and Josh. Fortunately, the baby chair had its own tray. A quick glance round told me everyone was in need of a top up. Except Mary, who wasn’t really a heavy drinker to begin with. Andy looked a little mystified at the overcrowded table.

  ‘I’ve got to drive.
Got anything non-alcoholic?’

  ‘I’ll drive. You can have a drink with your family,’ said Jessy.

  ‘You sure?’

  ‘Yeah, no worries. I’ll just have juice if you have any.’

  ‘Too easy,’ I replied and pointed over to Janice. ‘How about you?’

  ‘Another white wouldn’t go astray.’

  Once everyone was settled. I raised my own wine glass.

  ‘Cheers.’

  ‘Cheers,’ the others chorused.

  It was quiet for a few moments as everyone tucked in.

  ‘Josh is pretty handy with that fork,’ I said, noticing him aptly shovelling the spaghetti into his mouth. Jessy and Andy gave proud parental smiles.

  ‘You made the right thing for him. He loves spaghetti.’

  ‘Worked out well, didn’t it?’ I said to the group. Then, reflecting on the meal, I added, ‘I reckon it’s my best one yet.’

  ‘Oh, it’s so good to have everyone here,’ said Mary. ‘I can’t remember the last time we did it. Josh is growing up so fast.’

  I nodded my head. It really was the happiest I’d felt in a long time. I leaned back and soaked the whole scene in. Jess and Andy looked like they were doing a fine job of parenting. They were giving him plenty of encouraging words. Janice was in there praising him too. The little kid really was the star of the show.

  ‘I reckon he’s one of the cutest kids I’ve seen,’ I said.

  ‘Reminds me a lot of you as a kid, Andy. I’ll have to get out the baby photos and show you,’ added Mary. ‘How is he at kindergarten?’

  ‘I never really thought babies were cute until Josh was born,’ said Andy. ‘They always just looked like blobby aliens. Josh, though, was gorgeous from the get-go.’

  We all had a bit of a laugh.

  ‘Your mum asked how he was at kindergarten.’

  Andy gave me a look. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then shut it again. To my surprise, he looked over to Janice, who gave him a nod of encouragement.

  He sighed and turned to face his mum. ‘He’s going fine. The teachers there seem really happy and positive. He’s always happy after it.’

  ‘That’s good. You don’t want some Angry Anne or Screaming Sue as a teacher at that age. Kids do what they do. You’ve gotta just smile and guide,’ Mary said.

  ‘I never quite got the hang of smile and guide. I know we were always saying it, but when you guys did something wrong, it just got me so pissed off,’ I said regretfully. ‘Thankfully, you all turned out well.’

  ‘Smile and guide?’ asked Janice.

  ‘It’s pretty self-explanatory,’ replied Mary. ‘Be positive, smile and praise. When the kid starts doing the wrong thing, quietly tell them you don’t like it and move them toward an activity you do like.’

  No one responded for a while.

  Andy finally said, ‘I think it just means be happy and show them what they can do instead of telling them what to do.’

  ‘That’s right,’ said Mary. ‘Showing instead of telling. It’s an important distinction.’

  ‘It’s a pretty big difference,’ said Jessy. ‘You’re really lucky to have had a mum that got that, especially for that generation.’

  ‘Yeah, we used to give her a lot of shit, but she was a really good mum to us,’ said Andy.

  ‘Oh, stop it, guys,’ said Mary, looking away from them, her eyes glistening. ‘You’re making me tear up.’ I reached out and grabbed her hand.

  ‘They’re right, you know?’ I said to her.

  She gave me a warm smile.

  ‘We should tell them the news,’ Mary said to me.

  I smiled and turned to the others, but I stopped what I was about to say. Janice had her usual sad but happy smile. Andy’s expression was completely unreadable. I looked down to avoid his gaze, and when I looked up again, his face had softened. Uneasy, but encouraged by this, I went on.

  ‘Your mum and I have been discussing it and we’re going to go on a holiday.’

  ‘A holiday?’ asked Janice. ‘Where?’

  Andy just glowered at me.

  I gave him a puzzled look.

  ‘We thought we’d go to the Cape Otway lighthouse,’ replied Mary.

  I turned to Janice, mostly to avoid seeing Andy.

  ‘You can stay in it and operate it. It’s been decommissioned but it was the longest continuous operating light on the mainland.’

  ‘A lighthouse? Aren’t there enough here?’ Andy said, gesturing to the wooden lighthouse on the middle of the table and the ones lining the hutch behind Mary.

  ‘Well, they’re not real though. We want to see the real thing,’ said Mary.

  ‘How are you travelling?’ asked Andy, his words came out short and sharp.

  I just wish I knew what was eating at him. Surely he wouldn’t mind us going on a holiday?

  ‘Flying of course. The fare isn’t so bad these days.’

  ‘Are you sure you can do it?’ asked Janice. ‘Can you at least get a check-up before you go?’

  ‘Way ahead of you, Janice. Mary and I went down to the hospital and the doctors gave her the all clear.’

  ‘What about you, dad?’

  ‘I’m still in good nick,’ I said, probably a bit too defensively. Perhaps she was right.

  ‘For me then, dad,’ said Janice. ‘So I can see you off with peace of mind.’

  I relented. It was good to have Janice on my side.

  ‘All right.’

  ‘Thanks, dad. I’ll book you in and take you to my doctor.’

  ‘What’s wrong with my doctor?’

  ‘The MD? Yeah, he’s all right I guess. I’d rather take you to mine though.’

  ‘For your peace of mind, right?’

  Janice nodded smiling.

  ‘Only because I love you,’ I said, feigning the stress of it all.

  ‘Love you too, dad.’

  Andy had been quietly glowering the whole time. This time his gaze was fixed on Janice though.

  ‘Andy,’ I said. ‘If you’ve got a problem, come out and say it. I don’t want to have to wait another two years to see you again. I’d rather you say your piece.’

  To my surprise, he stood up. He stopped and started a few times, then said, ‘Dad, I don’t know how to say this so that you understand.’

  Janice grabbed his arm. ‘Andy,’ she said through gritted teeth.

  ‘Sorry, Janice. I just can’t,’ he said, turning to her. He pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘I just can’t sit here and pretend we’re a happy family.’

  ‘It’s for the best Andy.’

  ‘Is it?’ he said angrily. ‘I haven’t seen any change.’

  ‘What are you two talking about?’ I said, puzzled by the dialogue. ‘You don’t have to pretend we’re a happy family. I know we aren’t one. Two years without seeing you is hint enough.’

  Andy looked at me. His anger had subsided a little. ‘I do care, dad, but all of this is a farce.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Andy, please,’ said Janice.

  Jessy just continued holding his hand. He looked at the lighthouse in the middle of the table. This one was a wood cut. It went well with the hard wood dining table. He looked up at me and said, much to my surprise, ‘You’re going to travel together by plane?’

  I nodded my head. ‘Like I said, we’re going to fly into Melbourne, then rent a car.’

  ‘You’re getting two tickets?’

  ‘That’s the idea of together. What are you getting at, Andy?’

  He paused and looked over at Mary. ‘I wonder what they’re going to do at the counter when you arrive with two tickets and there’s only you, dad.’

  ‘Why would I do that?’

  He hesitated for a moment, looked to Jessy, and then closed his eyes. When he opened them, I could see the resolve in them.

  ‘Dad, mum’s dead,’ he said in an exasperated voice, as if it was something he’d been saying for years. ‘Mum’s dead. She’s been dead for two y
ears. She died in hospital. Do you remember?’ His voice started to rise. ‘Of course, you don’t.’ He put his hand to his head. ‘She’s fucking dead, dad.’ He pointed directly at Mary. ‘There’s no one there. It’s an empty seat. The food and wine are just sitting there. Don’t you ever wonder why she doesn’t eat anything? Why there’s always leftovers?’

  ‘She hasn’t had much of an appetite since she came out of hospital. She always eats some though,’ I replied, not sure how to deal with this attack. It was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard.

  ‘Bullshit, dad! She’s dead. The food you served there is the same amount as before.’ He dropped down into his seat. ‘You didn’t even turn up for her funeral.’

  Josh started screaming in Jess’ arms. Mary reached across the table, patting Andy’s hand, and said, ‘Andy, calm down for goodness sake. You aren’t talking any sense, and you’ve made Josh cry.’

  He didn’t even seem to hear Mary’s words. I really didn’t know what to say to the outburst. My son had obviously lost it. What happened? My own anger rose, but I tried to contain it. If my son was truly insane, my anger wouldn’t help. I breathed deeply and said his name, ‘Andy.’

  He looked up at me. His eyes were daring me to say the wrong thing. I paused, making sure that what I said wasn’t in anger. ‘I don’t understand.’ I struggled to say the next thing. A tear stung my eye at the very idea. ‘It sounds like you’re saying mum is dead, but why would you say something like that when she’s sitting right here with you? Even patting you on the hand instead of crying her heart out like she should be.’

  The anger left Andy’s eyes and he looked at his hand. Then he looked up past Mary, and said quietly as if he didn’t want anyone there to hear it, ‘I wish she was here.’

  ‘She is, Andy. She is here. Why are you being so rude? Don’t you see her? Janice, tell him.’ I felt desperate for my son.

  ‘It’s OK, Andy,’ she said. ‘Mum never left us.’

  He glared at her and then at me.

  ‘What the fuck is wrong with you people?’ he shouted and fled the room. It was strange seeing a grown man act that way. Jessy gave us an apologetic look and passed Josh to Janice. ‘I’d better check on him,’ she said with an awkward look and left the room.