He wriggled as Ben touched the spot inside him again. He’d heard men talk about their prostates and how good it felt. Jason was a live wire, nerves jangling, utterly exposed. He didn’t know if he liked it or not, but he whimpered when Ben pulled his fingers free, the new emptiness overwhelming, his balls tight.
Ben pressed a kiss to Jason’s soft inner thigh, then urged him over onto his stomach, slipping a pillow under his hips. Jason watched over his shoulder as Ben squirted more cold lube into Jason’s ass and rolled on a condom, slicking it as well.
Then Ben eased up Jason’s knee, parting his legs and fitting on top of him. He pushed the head of his cock against the rim of Jason’s ass, running a soothing palm down his side.
“That’s it. Let me in.”
Jason shook and moaned, but pushed back, lifting his knee higher to the side and trying to open himself. He was afraid, but he knew Ben wouldn’t hurt him. The need to complete this ritual beat in him like a drum, insistent and unrelenting, the pure desire overpowering.
The head of Ben’s cock shoved inside as Ben said, “There. Yes, open up. Relax. I’m here.”
“Too big,” Jason gritted out, his ass burning. But when Ben eased the pressure, Jason reached back blindly, grasping. “Don’t stop.”
Wet kisses pressed to the top of his spine and over his shoulders, Ben’s breath hot. “You’re doing so well. It gets easier, I promise.” He pushed again, filling Jason inch by inch with murmurs of support. “There, like that. Perfect.”
Then Jason realized Ben was in all the way, so deep inside him he felt split open completely. He could only moan and gasp, words out of reach as Ben kissed his hair and said, “You’re so beautiful. Fuck, Jason. Wanted to do this the first time I saw you.”
He could feel it as Ben rocked—not only the thrusts of his cock filling him, but Ben’s desire, the laser focus of that want trained on Jason, stripping him bare to his very core.
He reached back again wordlessly, needing an anchor as he came apart piece by piece, thrust by thrust, their skin slapping and breath harsh in the silence of the room. Ben threaded their fingers together, pressing Jason’s hand into the mattress as he fucked him.
I’m being fucked.
His straining cock was trapped against the mattress, and sweat dampened his brow. Ben grunted with each plunge into Jason, squeezing his free hand underneath to touch him. Ben’s fist around his shaft was merciless, the pleasure almost too intense, and it only took a few rough strokes before Jason was coming again, shattering completely, mouth open in a silent shout.
Part of him wanted Ben to stay right there inside him forever, warring with the urge to run and hide until he could breathe and get back in control, until he could pick up all the pieces of himself and be Jason, not this quivering, defenseless jumble.
He watched over his shoulder as Ben eased out of him and tore off the condom, eyes bright and lips parted as he stroked himself and spurted, white splashes of his cum painting Jason’s back and ass, pure ecstasy on his face.
Pride soothed a few of the raw edges in Jason, gratitude that he could give Ben this release. Ben smeared his semen over Jason’s sweaty skin, and Jason’s spent dick twitched with a few more drops, sparks shooting from his balls. It was like he was being marked—claimed—and deep satisfaction flowed through him, chasing away his fear for the moment.
Covering Jason’s body, Ben kissed his shoulder, fingers tangled in Jason’s hair. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I know it’s messy.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Jason croaked.
Chuckling, Ben slid off him. “Think you’ve worked up a thirst. Hold on.”
The loss of Ben’s heat had Jason shivering, and he reached down for the sheet. The tap ran in the bathroom, and he took the glass of water Ben offered, not meeting his eyes as he gulped gratefully.
Ben climbed back into bed and wiped a washcloth over Jason’s sticky skin before stretching out beside him on his side. He traced a fingertip down the ridge of Jason’s nose. “How do you feel?”
Jason met his intense gaze—so blue and endless, like Ben was seeing right into the deepest, most fucked-up part of him. Jason was too raw, and he rolled Ben onto his back so he could lay his head on Ben’s chest and close his eyes. He said, “Good. I don’t know the right words.”
Exhilarated. Terrified. Amazing. Exposed.
Ben’s heart thumped steadily, and Jason breathed along with it, calming himself. Ben’s voice rumbled in his chest. “You don’t have to do or say everything ‘right.’ Not with me.”
That generosity was frightening too, but Jason tried to slow the whirl of thoughts whipping through his mind. “I actually had sex.” He laughed at the surrealness of it all. “I mean—you know what I mean? I had sex once before, but it was so quick and awkward and hardly anything at all.” He pondered it, waiting for a rush of guilt about Amy. But no, Amy would want him to discover his true self. She’d want him to be happy.
Should I be happy? Am I really allowed to have this?
“And how was this time?” Ben asked, tracing his fingers up and down Jason’s back.
“This was…” He rubbed his cheek against Ben’s furry chest, trying to stay centered and in the moment. “This felt like the real first time. Is that dumb?”
“Not at all. You’re incredible, you know that? I’m so lucky.” He kissed Jason’s head, caressing his hip. “Thank you for sharing this. For sharing yourself.”
Is this me?
Another burst of panic sent Jason’s heart racing, and Ben’s hand froze. “Okay?”
He realized he’d gone rigid, and forced himself to relax. “Uh-huh.”
Ben’s fingers grazed Jason’s swollen, tender hole. “Does it hurt?”
Jason’s breath caught, and it was too much—he was too bare, all soft vulnerability like he’d been turned inside out. And Ben had already seen him helpless and pathetic, had bathed him for fuck’s sake, but this was different somehow.
He’d actually been inside, stretching him so much he could still feel it, and even though Jason had let him in his body—more than let, had needed it like oxygen—now he’d careened too far out of control.
“Baby, are you okay?”
Baby. A kneejerk reaction struck, a defensive bolt of resentment. I’m not a kid! I don’t need you to be so nice and act like I’m going to break. I’m fine! I can take care of myself!
Raw instinct kicked in—fight or flight—and there was only one thing he could do.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Rolling away, Jason pushed to his feet and gathered his strewn clothes. “I’m fine. Feels fine. Feels great!” He cringed at the forced cheerfulness as he dressed, looking everywhere but at Ben. “Just have to get back to Maggie.” And God, he really did—he’d been gone too long. Guilt joined the chaotic confusion of emotions.
“Jason, wait. It’s normal to be sore. Are you—”
“I’m good! But I need to get back. You understand.” He bent to lace his shoes with shaky fingers, his ass twinging.
“Of course I understand. Can you just take a breath?”
Jason rocketed upright as his phone jingled on the side table, the chimes ringing out that indicated a text message. He lunged for the phone, only seeing the words: “This is Karen at the hospital. You should come back” before panic set in, acid flooding his belly. “Fuck! I have to go.”
He stumbled over his still-untied lace, cursing as he bent, ignoring the flare of soreness in his ass. How could he have been so irresponsible? Shame burned, and he hated himself for his weakness. His selfishness. “Maggie’s on her own, and she needs me. I should never have left.”
When he jerked upright, his head spun. Ben stood naked in front of him, hands at his sides and forehead creased, now-familiar tenderness in his eyes. Jason averted his gaze, suddenly embarrassed by Ben’s nudity and irrationally angry at the concern. He’d done everything on his own for years—he didn’t need Ben now.
Couldn’t need him.
Sha
king his head, Jason skirted around Ben, a weak part still aching for him to reach out. “I’m sorry. I have to go.” He didn’t wait for an answer.
Clutching his phone, he ran into the hall and barreled down the stairs since he’d fly out of his skin waiting for an elevator. Reporters shouted questions as he rushed back into the hospital, security keeping them at bay as he took the stairs to Maggie’s floor two at a time.
“Where’s my dad? I want my dad!” Maggie’s cries echoed off the linoleum, and Jason’s heart clenched as he skidded into her room.
By Maggie’s bed, Karen the nurse sighed in relief and said, “Look, here he is, sweetie.”
He brushed by the two other people in the room, registering distantly that somehow they were his parents, and sat on the bed to pull Maggie into his arms. She buried her face against his chest, tears wetting his T-shirt.
“It’s okay. I’m here. I’m sorry.” Pulse thudding, he rubbed her back, staring at the rumpled sheets, aware of his parents’ weighty gazes.
Sobbing, Maggie whined, “Where were you?”
The guilt intensified, and he despised himself. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” She’d needed him and he’d been having sex. He was unbearably selfish.
Everyone was right. I’m a horrible father.
A man spoke up, the hospital security guard who’d been watching the door to protect against the media since the FBI had left. His voice was low, bushy eyebrows drawn into one line. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Kellerman. They said they’re your parents. Shelly and Robert Kellerman. I checked their ID.”
Jason cleared his dry throat, still holding Maggie tightly. “They are.” He looked his parents in the eye. “But they have no right to be here.”
“Son, we only want to help.” His father peered at him, his face craggier than Jason remembered, dark, neat hair receding past his forehead and shot through with gray.
“Son? Seriously?” He exhaled slowly. “Maggie needs her rest. Wait for me outside.”
His mother nodded. “All right. We didn’t mean to upset her. Or you.”
They left, along with the guard and Karen, who gave him a sympathetic smile. Maggie’s sobs had slowed, and she hiccupped and sniffed.
“Why did they come?” she asked. “I thought they didn’t like us.”
“Oh, honey. It’s not that. It was never about not liking you. You’re wonderful. We just disagreed on how to raise you. It was about me, not you. I know it’s confusing.” He’d rarely ever talked to Maggie about them. He’d answered any questions she’d had, but his family simply hadn’t been part of their life.
She lifted her head, face red and wet, eyes puffy. “You’re the greatest dad, and they’re stupid.”
He’d usually scold her for using that kind of language, but he only kissed her head and murmured, “We’ll talk about this more tomorrow. It’s time for bed.”
Even though it was still early, Maggie didn’t argue for once, and was asleep almost immediately after he tucked her in and caressed her hair until he was sure she was out. He turned down the lights, reluctant to go anywhere, but he had to deal with his parents.
Karen came in and spoke softly. “I’m so sorry. She was completely fine until they showed up. She really was. Don’t beat yourself up, okay?”
He nodded, since there was no point in arguing. “Can you stay with Maggie while I talk to them?”
“Absolutely. It’s quiet tonight. I put your parents in the empty room next door to wait. Just to the left. I’ll come get you immediately if Maggie wakes up.”
“Thank you.” With a last kiss to Maggie’s forehead, he left.
In the hall, he accepted another apology from the guard, then took a couple deep breaths before walking through the open door of the room where his parents waited, his mother pacing, his father standing by the window, the last beams of sunset glowing outside. Jason closed the door.
Under the fluorescent lights, the dark circles under his mother’s eyes were stark, fine lines fanning out around her eyes and mouth. Her blond hair brushed her shoulders in waves, shorter than he remembered. She was still slim and fit, and diamonds glittered in her ears. Her slacks and blouse were surprisingly wrinkled.
“Jason. I… We…” She looked to his father, who cleared his throat and fiddled with the cuffs of his dress shirt, his tie hanging loose. He’d never seen his parents so dishevelled.
“First off, it’s so good to see you, Jason.” The low timber of his father’s voice was exactly the same. “We’ve missed you more than we could ever say.”
Missed didn’t capture the instinctive need filling Jason. The need for their love and approval, simply for them. He’d convinced himself he’d excised them from his life cleanly, but the wound had been jagged and fanged after all.
Being in the same room with his parents after eight years, part of him wanted to rush into their arms despite the deep-seated resentment. But no, he had to be strong. He managed to keep his voice even. “How did you know we were here?”
“It’s all over the news,” his mother said. “We couldn’t believe it when we heard your names. Maggie and Jason Kellerman.” Her lips trembled. “You both could have been killed. We knew we had to come and try to make it right. Had to help you.”
“I don’t need your help. We don’t. How dare you bust in and upset Maggie like that?”
She shook her head. “It wasn’t our intention. We didn’t expect her to react that way.”
“How did you think she’d react? You’re strangers! She doesn’t know you.” Anger whipped through him. “I don’t know you anymore! And you’re going to say that’s my fault, right?”
“No,” his father answered emphatically. “It’s our fault. We realize that. We’ve known it for a long time, but we were stubborn. The first few years, we told ourselves you wouldn’t be able to manage. That you’d see we were right. That you’d come back.”
Jason breathed shallowly, his fingers clenching and unclenching. “You were wrong.”
“We were.” His mother’s eyes glistened. “We were wrong and inflexible and didn’t want to admit what an enormous mistake we’d made. We’ve wanted to reach out for so long, but we let our pride win.” She gulped in a breath, wiping her cheeks. “When we saw you both on the news. The thought that you could have been killed without knowing how sorry we are—God, it was unbearable.”
Robert swallowed thickly. “I don’t know if you can ever forgive us. I don’t know if you should. But we had to see you both. We had to try.”
A mess of conflicting impulses battled. Jason wanted to scream and shout his bitterness and betrayal at the same time that he wanted to fix the fracture in his soul, fill the void. He rasped, “I don’t know either.”
“We’re just so relieved you’re all right.” His mother pressed a hand to her chest. “Maggie’s beautiful, Jason. And look at you! So big and tall. So grown-up. We’ve all missed you very much. Your brother too.”
Bitterness boiled over. “Then why didn’t he answer my texts when I moved out?”
“We took his phone away. Changed his number.” Robert rubbed a hand over his face. “We were so angry. So convinced we were right. Please don’t blame your brother for any of it.”
“All these years, I haven’t had a family. It’s just me and Maggie. I can’t—you can’t fix this overnight.”
Shelly nodded. “We realize that. But we want to help, honey. We’ve contacted a child psychologist, and she can see Maggie as early as Wednesday. There’s a flight tomorrow morning—”
“Wait, what?” He held up his hands. “No! Stop! You can’t just take over.” He backed up, his brain buzzing. “I can’t deal with you right now. I need to be with Maggie. She’s the priority.”
“Of course she is,” his father soothed. “Both of you are our priorities. We’re here to help you.”
“I haven’t seen you in eight years!” His chest tightened painfully. “I need to think. This is too much right now.” Maggie kidnapped, sex with Ben, and now he was a
ctually in the same room with his parents. They stood there a few feet away, flesh and blood—his and Maggie’s.
“Darling, you look pale. Sit down and breathe. Robert, find a doctor.”
“No! Stop!” Blood rushing in his ears, he blew out slowly. “I need to process. I need to be alone—with Maggie. Come back in the morning. Please.”
They shared a long look, and his mother said, “Of course. As we told you, we only want to help. We have so much to make up for.” Her eyes filled again. “You’re a father. You can understand how much we’ve missed you. How much we want to be there for you.”
He was drowning in the swirling flood of conflicting emotions, barely keeping his head above the surface. “I’ll never understand how you turned your backs on me. On us.”
“It was the biggest mistake of our lives.” Tears shone in Robert’s eyes too, and Jason realized he’d never seen his father cry. “Almost losing you both, it showed us once and for all what fools we’ve been. We want to make it up to you and Maggie. We don’t expect you to forgive us. But we hope you’ll let us be a part of your lives. We’ll be back first thing tomorrow.”
His mother took a step closer. “Jason, will you… Can I hug you? Please?”
Eyes burning, he nodded and let her wrap her thin arms around him. She felt so much smaller than he remembered, and she shook with a wretched sob. But she smelled the same, jasmine and sage, her perfume filling his senses as he fought tears.
“Come on, Shelly. Let’s give him the space he wants.”
She let go, and Jason almost reached out to draw her back and return the embrace. But he let them leave, waiting until the hall was clear to duck back into Maggie’s room. Karen gave his shoulder a squeeze after vacating the chair by the bed and leaving, pulling the door halfway closed.
He turned off the low light, the only brightness now the diagonal beam from the hall. The cot was folded in the corner, but he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. He dropped into the chair, wincing at the tenderness in his ass. Adrenaline spiked, a cocktail of excitement and confusion with a thread of panic.
Ends of the Earth: Gay Romance Page 15