If I Could I'd Wish It All Away (I Wish Book 1)

by Lisa Helen Gray

  Pagan pales and nods, her body shaking. “Um… I don’t really remember much of that night if I’m honest. It was all a blur. I remember giving him my mobile number and mentioning where I lived. He asked who I was out with and I told him. It was general stuff. Normal stuff you’d ask people you just met.” She shrugs, but then pales further, gasping. “Oh no! I invited him here today, but I’ve not seen him. What if it was him and I basically led him right to her? Oh God.”

  “Fuck!” I roar, knowing my gut was right. Why the fuck didn’t I look into it? I should have. It’s my job to look into everything, even the smallest things, no matter how pointless they may seem, but it simply didn’t cross my mind. I’m going to be kicking myself for a very long time over it.

  “I’m so sorry, Dean. I didn’t know. If I did, I would have said something to you. I’m so sorry,” she chants, and Brooke pulls her into her arms.

  “Did he say anything else, Pagan? Think! Did he say where he was staying? What was his name?” Cage asks, stepping in.

  I pause, staring at my sister as I wait for her to answer. “Think!” I snap, and my dad sends me a warning look.

  “Yes! Yes, he did. He said he was staying locally for business and mentioned having something he needed to collect before heading back home. And his name is Carl Holmes,” she tells Cage, not looking at me. She looks to my dad, breaking down. “It was her, wasn’t it? It was Lola he needed to collect.”

  “Yeah, baby,” he murmurs, rubbing her back.

  “No, that’s good. Hopefully, he’s dumb enough to use that name. I’m going to call it in,” Cage says before stepping away.

  I walk in the other direction, taking my own phone out and dialling Darius, one of the men who work for me.

  “Hey, man, I need you to do a check on every bed and breakfast, housing, car rental, anything you can find out on a Carl Holmes.”

  “Is this about that Patrick bloke?”

  “Yep.”

  “Done,” he says and hangs up. I turn to my family, watching them all comforting one another and it has me wanting to snap at them. No one deserves to be consoled until Lola is found. I know I’m coming across as an asshole, but she’s my life, my everything. Without her, there will be no me.

  Lola, I’m coming for you.

  CHAPTER 30

  Lola

  I wake up feeling groggy, my head pounding and my body sore all over. I feel like I’ve been thrown around and run over a few times.

  Trying to sit up is useless; I just fall back down onto a mattress, my hands going to my aching head. Wetness coats my hand and I bring it to my face, a gasp escaping me as I take in the blood. Touching my head again in a panic, I wince at the pain and then it all comes back to me. I was hit when I was outside the back of my store.

  “Dean?” I croak, needing him.

  “Hey, you’re awake,” Rick says, and my entire body freezes, my head slowly rising to find him sitting in a wooden chair at the end of the bed.

  “Oh God, no!” I say out loud, tears falling from my eyes as I stare at the man who has haunted my nightmares for years and years. The air leaves my lungs, and I struggle to breathe. In a panic, I fall from the bed, landing with a thud on the floor.

  “Oh no, you don’t,” Rick growls and I cry out when he touches me. His arms go beneath my armpits, lifting me and throwing me back against the bed, my head banging on the wooden headboard. I wince, hissing with pain and my hand goes to the back of my head, feeling more blood. I start to struggle when he looms above me, pinning my wrists to the bed.

  “Get off me!” I shout, and he grins down at me with a twisted expression.

  “My, my, haven’t we grown a backbone. But it’s no use, Lola. You’re mine, and you’ll submit to me,” he sneers.

  “No. No! Get off me. Help!”

  “Don’t fight me, Lola. You’re loose, baby,” he snarls, lifting his fist into the air and landing a hard blow to my right cheek. My vision blurs as I’m knocked back onto the mattress. Sobs rack through my body painfully as he climbs off me.

  I lift my head, feeling weak, and watch as he passes around the bed, glancing at me every few seconds.

  “Did you think you could hide from me forever?”

  “Yes,” I hiss, not knowing where this insolence is coming from but glad it’s there.

  “Stupid, stupid Lola. I’ve warned you so many times. So fucking many. I made you who you are.”

  “You beat me and raped me!” I yell, managing to pull myself up enough, so I’m sitting against the headboard. Keeping a close eye on him, I do a quick scan of the room, finding the place is a shit hole. The Rick I know was a clean freak; everything has to be pristine and perfect for him. But seeing empty food containers and empty cans of beer around the room surprises me. I’ve never known him to be this disorganised or even eat takeout food. The nearest he ever got to a takeout was when we ordered from a five-star restaurant.

  Rough hands grab my chin, and he forces me to look at him. “I said fucking listen to me, you fucking bitch,” he says, and I notice for the first time how ragged and unkempt he is. He has a week’s worth of stubble on his jaw, his eyes are bloodshot, and he looks his age for the first time since I’ve met him.

  “Fuck you,” I say before spitting in his face. I’ve never done anything so revolting in my life, but if anyone deserves to be spat on, it’s him. Hell, I wouldn’t pee on him if he were on fire. For what he’s put me through, he deserves a far lot more.

  “Sweet, Lola,” he taunts, wiping the spit from his face. His voice is eerily calm, and out of everything, that is what has me shaking like a leaf. For the first time since I woke up, I’m actually scared for my life.

  He laughs at my expression, clearly seeing he’s gotten to me. My anger spikes again, and I narrow my eyes, giving him a defiant look.

  “Oh, I’m going to have fun with you.”

  “Fuck you!” I yell, smacking his hands away, but he just squeezes my cheeks harder. I wince in pain, my eyes fluttering closed for a second before they open again, staring into those lifeless, cold orbs of his.

  “Oh, you’ll have your chance to fuck me, Lola. All in good time. All in good time. But first, we have to get that fucker off my back.”

  My eyes widen when realisation dawns on me. “Dean,” I whisper.

  Rick’s face twists into an ugly snarl, the veins in his neck bulging.

  “Don’t fucking say his name,” he growls, and I grin snidely.

  “He’s going to come for me,” I taunt him, wanting him to get riled up, so I have a chance to escape. I cast a quick glance at the door once again; if he moves to the other side of the bed, I’ll have a chance of getting to it.

  “No, he’s not.”

  “He will because he loves me and I love him,” I spit, getting in his face, but it only makes him angrier.

  “Then I’ll enjoy killing him in front of you. I’ll cut him piece by piece and make you watch,” he mocks.

  I can feel the blood draining from my face, and a hoarse cry escapes me. “Leave him alone,” I yell, and he laughs, shaking his head. He shoves my head back, gripping my jaw so hard I’ll definitely have bruises.

  “Why are you doing this?” I ask, grateful for him moving off the bed. Maybe if I can distract him long enough, I can make my move.

  “Why?” He laughs. “I’m doing this because you’re mine. You belong to me. This ends when I say it ends. You don’t get to walk away from me. No one walks away from me,” he roars, punching his chest.

  “So this is all about your ego?” I scoff.

  “Nobody takes what’s mine.”

  “I’m not yours!” I scream, tears falling from my eyes. The anger that has been simmering below the surface for years begins to build. I’ve never hated anyone the way I hate Rick.

  “Yes, you are!” he roars back, smashing the dressing table mirror, shattering it. “You let him put his hands on you. You let him touch what’s mine,” he rants, shaking his head as he paces the floor. “When w
ill you learn? When will you get it through that thick skull of yours that you belong to me?”

  “I’m not yours,” I yell on a hoarse cry. He’s lost the plot, and I don’t think he’s thinking straight, if he ever did. I’ve never, not once in all the years I’ve been with him, seen him like this. It’s unnerving, and I tremble with fear, praying I don’t show it. “You beat me. You raped me. You even cheated on me,” I with a forced chuckle. “But what you could never do was destroy me, Rick. You can’t destroy what’s not yours. I gave my heart to Dean long before you and I’ll love him long after you’re forgotten. Let me go. Just let me go,” I plead, my strong facade wavering.

  He scoffs, looking at me like I’m the ridiculous one. “You loved every second of it, Lola.”

  I watch as he paces the length of the room again. Just when I’m about to make a move, he turns, watching me. His expression has changed, his eyes softening somewhat and coming across friendlier as he gives me a warm, apologetic smile. But I know Rick. It’s not real, and whatever he’s playing at, I’m not going to fall for it. And the fact his mood just went from psycho to Mr Tumble in two-point-four seconds proves he’s lost his marbles.

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart. So fucking sorry. I know I can be demanding and a little controlling at times, but I only mean well. It doesn’t have to be like this. We’re good together. If you could meet me halfway, listen when I speak and respect my needs, we could work. I can change. You can change,” he says softly, and my eyes widen in horror.

  He’s twisted.

  “How did you know where I was?”

  “Your grandpa basically told me, but it was Sally who got the information for me.” He grins but then frowns, muttering under his breath. “Why would you make me come here and flaunt him in my face?”

  I look at him in confusion. “Who? Dean?”

  “Yes,” he growls, anger surfacing but he pushes it down, a smile lighting up his once handsome face. Now it’s just ugly. His soul and heart are ugly, and no looks could ever make it any different.

  “You’ve been watching us?” I gasp, my hands shaking.

  “Of course I have. I had to watch as he put his hands on you, his mouth.” He shakes his head, his hands balling into fists. “It’s okay. I understand.”

  “Understand what?”

  “Why you were there. He was forcing you. It’s what you think you like, but you only like it with me,” he says, and my eyes widen, a cold shiver running up my spine.

  He’s delusional.

  When he moves closer to the bed and sits on the edge, I flinch, scooting away. It works in my favour too, because now I’m closer the door.

  “I just want to hold you,” he says calmly. It’s like he’s in a parallel universe, one where everything is perfect, and he hasn’t just kidnapped me and knocked me out.

  My mind screams to play him, and I look up at him sharply.

  “You’ve got blood all over you.” My voice is as soft as I can force it to be, earning me that ‘got you’ gleam in his eyes.

  “Let me go wash up. Then can we talk? We can work out how to make you better. We’ll need to move away because your grandpa will try breaking us up. He doesn’t think you’re good enough for me.”

  I want to scoff, but instead, I force a smile and nod.

  He rises from the bed, looking like he wants to touch me but thinks better of it. I gulp, adrenaline pumping through me as I pray my plan works.

  The minute he reaches the bathroom, his back to me, I get up and run for the door. I cry out in frustration when I find it locked, and by the time I get the latch undone, he’s on me. He rips me back by my hair, a scream tearing from my throat before he hits me, smacking my face against the door.

  My breathing comes out in one gush of air, and I fall limply against him as everything around me spins.

  “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” he snarls in my ear.

  “Let me go,” I choke out pathetically.

  “Over my dead body. I knew I couldn’t trust you. Fucking knew it. You want it to be this way, then you’ve got your wish. Because if I can’t have you, no one will.”

  His words come out harsh and dread seeps into my bones, knowing I’ve pushed him too far.

  “No,” I whisper, ready to plead, but a sharp stinging sensation jabs into my leg, and everything goes black, darkness filling me once again.

  CHAPTER 31

  DEAN

  We’re all sitting in Lola’s store, waiting to hear something back about where she is. We have every police officer available and my PI’s working the case, yet no one has come back with a damn thing. It’s been over an hour, and I’m tearing the walls down with worry.

  Another thing worrying me is Dwayne. No one can get in touch with him or find out what PI firm he used to see if they have any leads that could help us find Lola.

  “Have you tried Dwayne again?” I ask my dad.

  “He’s not answering. No one is picking up at the office either,” he informs me, looking concerned himself.

  “We’ll get in touch with him,” Mom says as she sits down next to Dad with a fresh cup of coffee. I watch her hands shake. It’s been hard for her to keep it in check since she got here. She broke down when she first arrived and has tried her hardest since to keep it together, for my sake more than anyone else’s.

  Pagan is on the other sofa, curled up to Sid who looks worried for his twin. The young lad, who I found out is called Alec, was picked up by his mom and dad an hour ago. I felt bad, deciding to go visit him and check he’s okay after I get Lola home. I’m going to regret a lot of shit I’ve done today, but at the moment I can’t seem to concentrate on anything other than finding her.

  I’ve logged into my hard drive from Lola’s computer and tried looking for something myself, but without my work database, I’m pretty much a sitting duck.

  “Does anyone want anything to eat or drink?” Brooke asks, Lorelei by her side, ready to take orders.

  Everyone shakes their head, and she sits back down. I notice Lorelei doesn’t. Instead, she moves back over to the counter, cleaning the surfaces once again. I think she’s worried about Lola like the rest of us are, but something more is bothering her, and it’s killing me not having the head space to help her. When Lola finds out I ignored her new friend’s pain, she’s going to kill me.

  I chuckle, but it’s dry, and everyone snaps their gazes my way, looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have.

  “What’s funny?” Mom asks, trying to make conversation.

  “Lola. She’s going to kick my ass when she finds out some of the shit I’ve done and said today.” I chuckle, but it quickly turns into a pained sob. I drop my head into my hands, pulling at my hair.

  “It’s going to be okay. If anyone can find her, it’s you,” Mom says, coming to sit next to me. The sofa I’m on is empty since everyone has pretty much given me a wide birth.

  “Is it really?” I ask, turning my face to the side to look at her. “Because I feel fucking useless sitting here when I could be out there doing something.”

  “Yeah, you could waste petrol driving around. You could look for her and lose signal or something and end up missing a vital call. You’re doing what you know is best. Until you have something to go on, there’s no point in getting yourself worked up over ‘what if’. I know in my heart everything is going to be okay,” Mom says, and I wish I had the same optimism.

  As if God heard my mom and my prayers, my phone rings, Darius’s number flashing on the screen. I snatch it off the coffee table.

  “Where is she?” I bark into the phone.

  “I’ve got a positive description of Carl Holmes. He’s at a bed and breakfast near the school grounds. You know the old Travelodge on Springel Road?”

  “Yeah, I’ve driven past there a few times. Are you sure?” I ask, already getting up and waving Cage to follow. I take a piece of paper off the side and quickly jot the address down.

  “Yeah. I called the reception, and
an older lady answered. I explained what was happening and she said he signed out ten minutes ago. I’m on my way already. There has to be something there to give us a clue,” he says, and my heart pounds.

  We might not know where she is, but it’s one step closer than we were before.

  “I’ll see you there,” I tell him and hang up.

  I quickly inform Cage what Darius said, and his eyes widen. “I’ll take you. C’mon.”

  “Mom, Dad, keep trying Dwayne,” I shout, not waiting around for a reply. I’m already out the door and getting into the patrol car. “Darius is meeting us there.”

  Cage turns to me, smiling. “I know Darius. Good bloke. Just wish he’d come join us.” He chuckles, and I grunt.

  “He’d rather be hung. He hates been told what to do by me. It’s why I let him run his own cases. He also likes not having a code to go by.”

  Fifteen minutes later we’re pulling into the bed and breakfast, next to Darius’s car.

  Darius is walking out of a room, shaking his head and muttering something to one of the officers next to him. The officer nods and rushes off to his vehicle.

  “Dean, man, I think you should step aside on this one and let me and the cops deal with it,” Darius warns, and I rear back in shock. He’s not the sort of person to tell someone to step back. It’s why he never wanted to be a cop.

  “Fuck you, mate. I’m going in there,” I snap, then barge in. He calls my name, but I ignore him. The second I step inside, I come to a sudden stop. Cage bumps into me as I stand paralysed.

  “Holy shit,” Cage hisses.

  My stomach drops and any hope I had of Lola being okay leaves me. The blouse she wore this morning is torn up and thrown on a rumpled bed, covered in blood.

  Clenching my hands into fists, I take another step, kicking food cartons and beer cans out of the way.