Seeking the Future

by Brenda Kennedy

  Over the next few days, my new phone arrives with my new number, and I get a few other deliveries for clothing and new bedding. Chase said he found a Salvation Army store to donate the rest of the items to that I didn’t burn. It’s a shame I didn’t think to donate that stuff sooner. I destroyed more than I gave away.

  It doesn’t take long to enter the few phone numbers into my new phone. I add only the numbers of my family, Chase, Nichole, and Ava. I also add Claire and Marshall’s number just in case. I take a selfie so I have a photo in my camera. Not bad.

  “Do you want to go outside and see the progress on the carriage house?” Ava asks sweetly.

  Just the thought of its completion and having her and Chase move out and leaving me here alone adds a sharp pain in my already broken heart. “Sure, I’d love to.” I can never let her know how I feel. How truly broken I am. Ava would put her entire life on hold until she knew I was all right.

  “I can’t believe the difference in it already.”

  Now that the structure is secured, the inside isn’t taking long at all. It has an upstairs loft with two bedrooms downstairs. It’s an open floor plan and from the way it is right now, in its raw form, I can tell it’s going to be amazing. Hardwood floors, shiplap walls, and large windows add to its beauty.

  “Once you and Chase move out, I was thinking of moving into your bedroom and turning my old room into an office/den. What do you think?”

  She looks sad. “Oh, Skylar. Are you still sad over him?”

  “No,” I lie. “My room has more windows and it’s brighter. I thought it would make for a great den.” And maybe I won’t be reminded of the time I spent with dickhead. I’ve been in mourning over him for twelve years — that length of time may be a slight exaggeration. Shouldn’t it be getting easier?

  She studies me, trying to read my face. I look away, pretending to admire the solid oak floors.

  “My room is definitely darker and will make for better sleeping.”

  “When will the carriage house be done?” I ask.

  “In a couple more months. I want to be in it before the baby comes.”

  “That’ll be nice.” Baby! Wait! What? A baby? “Baby! You’re pregnant?”

  “I just found out. Chase doesn’t know yet.”

  I hug her as tightly as I can. Tears stream down my face. Happy tears this time. This year, Ava has gotten everything she has ever wanted and she deserves every speck of happiness that comes her way.

  “An aunt, I’m gonna be an aunt. You’re gonna be a mom!” I laugh and for the first time in fifteen years — that length of time may be a slight exaggeration — I’m truly happy.

  “I know. Can you believe it!” Ava smiles and it lights up her whole face.

  “No. I can’t. I’m honestly thrilled for you, and for him. Chase is going to explode with happiness.”

  “Thank you, but I need your help with something.”

  “With what? I’ll do anything.”

  “I need to find a way to tell him. I want something special, something subtle, something sweet.”

  “Maybe Pinterest will have some ideas.”

  And just like that, Ava’s happiness is all I need to get out of my seventeen-year depression — that length of time may be a slight exaggeration — that was caused by dickhead. A Baby. We all should have one. And then I get a sharp pain right in the center of my already shattered heart thinking about dickhead.

  Ava

  I also wasn’t sure about asking Skylar to help me. I know about the fight she and Drew had before he left. Skylar wants a baby. Not today, but sometime in her life she wants to be a mother. We both have for as long as I can remember. Well, maybe not that long, but for sure since high school I knew motherhood was supposed to be a part of my life.

  I’m glad she was happy when I told her. I’ve been so worried about her. Maybe this will take her mind off of Drew. I was just going to tell Chase over dinner one night, but I know Skylar is a big practical joker and this might be just the therapy she needs to get over her sadness. I also was aware it could backfire on me and sink her further into depression.

  So today, after the tea, Skylar and I googled ways to announce a pregnancy and some of them are hilarious. Some were subtle and one is exactly what I was looking for. I didn’t want a sign that said, “Hey look at me, I’m pregnant.” No, I wanted something that said, “Wait, is this? Nah, it can’t be.” He’s an attorney, he can figure it out, right? Skylar and I start introducing baby hints to Chase, and I’m excited to see how long it’ll take before he actually catches on.

  I text Chase before he leaves his office.

  Ava: Can you stop by the store on your way home?

  Chase: Anything for you.

  Ava: Thank you. I just need pickles and ice cream.

  Chase: Anything else?

  Ava: Nope, that should do it.

  Chase: See ya in a bit.

  Ava: Thank you.

  If he thought my request was odd, he didn’t let on. Skylar went to the store with her own list while I start dinner. The first thing I do before I forget is to put a hamburger bun in the oven. I don’t turn it on, I just leave it there. Chase always checks the oven for dinner when he gets home. Maybe he’ll catch on when he sees a bun in the oven. I laugh to myself thinking about his reaction.

  Chase comes home and puts the ice cream and pickles away as I stand at the stove cooking. I wait anxiously for him to say something about the short grocery list, but he doesn’t. I look at Skylar and she rolls her eyes. I smile and stir the pot of pasta. Sitting beside me on the counter is a glass jar of Prego Spaghetti sauce. “We’re having spaghetti?” he asks, looking at the jar of sauce on the counter.

  I smile. “I thought we’d have something different for a change.” My heart beats faster at the thought he’ll put everything together.

  “Let me change and then I’ll help with dinner.”

  Skylar says as she’s standing near the refrigerator, “If you could put the garlic bread in the oven, that would help.”

  “Yeah, I can do that.”

  I step back from the stove with a huge smile on my face. Skylar closes the refrigerator and stands there watching. Chase picks up the cookie sheet with the garlic bread and opens the oven door. “What’s this?” he asks as he removes the hamburger bun from the oven.

  Trying to hide my smile, I look over my shoulder. “What is it?”

  He puts the garlic bread in the oven and closes the door. “It’s a hamburger bun.” He looks confused as he tosses it in the trash.

  I exhale loudly.

  “Who in the hell would put a bun in the oven?” Skylar asks, putting emphasis on “bun” and “oven.”

  “Do I have time to shower before dinner?” he asks.

  Attending to the pasta cooking on the stove, I say, “Sure, you have time for a quickie,” I say putting emphasis on “quickie.”

  He leans in and kisses the shell of my ear. “You look radiant today. I’ll make it a quick one.”

  I kiss him back. “Thank you. Dinner won’t be long.”

  He walks out of the room and Skylar blows a huff of air out of her mouth. “You didn’t marry the smartest attorney, did you?”

  I laugh. “It doesn’t look like it.” I shake my head. “I’m glad we have more hints to drop later this evening.”

  “And tomorrow, if we need them,” Skylar adds.

  “Surely, he’ll catch on sometime today, right?”

  “We can only hope.”

  After dinner and when everything is cleaned up, I sit on the couch and read with my feet stretched out and resting on Chase’s lap. He absent-mindedly massages my feet while watching CNN. I look over my book at Skylar, who is applying lotion to her hands.

  “Can I use some of that?” I ask.

  “Sure.”

  “Chase, catch this for your wife.” She tosses him the large bottle of Baby Magic Baby Lotion.

  He does and hands it to me. I apply a small dab of lotion on my hands, in
haling the unique scent of the lotion. “This smells good,” I say honestly.

  Chase continues to massage my feet as he watches the news.

  “It’s baby lotion,” she says. “I wanted to try something new and someone suggested this brand in the baby aisle.”

  My heart quickens and I become hopeful when Chase looks at Skylar and then at the pink bottle of lotion I’m holding. I smile and tilt the bottle in his direction so he can see the name written across the top.

  “That does smell good,” he says before looking back to the television.

  Releasing a sigh, I stand, hand Skylar her bottle of lotion, and walk into the bedroom. Feeling more tired than usual, I wash my face and change into one of Chase’s tee shirts and a pair of shorts. I thought telling him about the baby would be easier. Are the hints too subtle? Baby lotion? No, that’s not subtle. This is going to be exhausting. Maybe I should just tell him?

  Skylar walks into the room and laughs. “He’s a freaking idiot.”

  I laugh, too. “No, he’s not. He’s just not…”

  “Smart enough to pick up on the hints,” she says, laughing.

  I start to walk out of the room as I say, “I’m just going to tell him.”

  Skylar reaches for my hand. “Not just yet. One more day. We still have some things to try for tomorrow.”

  I nod. “Tomorrow. If he doesn’t pick up on the hints tomorrow, then I’ll tell him.”

  “If he doesn’t get the hints tomorrow, you’ll have to tell him. I just hope he’s smart enough to understand the words you speak.” She laughs and walks away, mumbling beneath her breath, “He really is an idiot.”

  Chase is anything but an idiot; he’s just slower today than normal.

  Skylar and Chase eat ice cream, and I eat dill pickles and ice cream.

  “That’s an odd food craving,” he says.

  Deciding not to get my hopes up, I ignore him.

  Chase leaves for work in the morning, and Skylar and I put into action phase two of the baby announcement. I just want this to work. After the noon tea, I text Chase our dinner menu.

  Ava: I thought we’d have baby back ribs for dinner with baby carrots and baby lima beans. How does that sound to you?

  Chase: Sounds great. Do you want me to stop at the store on my way home?

  Ava: No. Skylar went earlier today.

  Chase: Okay, I’ll see you soon.

  I decide to add another subtle hint.

  Ava: Bye bye.

  After a few minutes, I give up waiting on a reply.

  Before Chase comes home, Skylar and I place a few items around the house that to me scream BABY!, but to Chase may merely suggest a home in disarray, casual reading, or a recipe for disaster.

  We have dinner, and Chase compliments us on how good everything is. It’s nice to see he likes everything we prepared. I look at Skylar and she nods. I inhale deeply and say, “I was reading this recipe today I found online; it said to mix all the ingredients together, pre-heat the oven to forty weeks, and bake for nine months.” I stick a few carrots with my fork and say as seriously as I can, “Isn’t that weird?”

  He looks like he’s thinking and once again I feel hopeful. “Yeah, it is.” He moves his food around on his plate and says, “Maybe it’s a good idea to not use online recipes. It seems to me that anyone can and will post anything on there.”

  Exhaling heavily I say, “Maybe I should get some cookbooks.”

  Skylar shakes her head and mouths “idiot.” I look away before I laugh. “Sounds like someone who had something else on her mind wrote that recipe.”

  “Sure does,” he agrees, taking the last bite of his baby back ribs.

  Skylar and I meet in her room and discuss what to do next. “I should just tell him. By the time he catches on, I’ll be showing.”

  “Not just yet. He can’t be that stupid, can he?” She doesn’t wait for me to answer. “We still have one more thing we need to try. If he doesn’t catch on to that, then you should probably show him pictures or spell it out on index cards for him.”

  “Okay. Do you have pictures and index cards?” I ask with a giggle.

  “Come on. This should do the trick,” she says.

  “I hope.”

  We walk out into the living room, and Chase is in our bedroom with the door closed. The pregnancy magazine we left out on the coffee table is opened and is now lying on the couch. Do I dare hold out hope that he got the hint?

  “You should go to him.” Skylar nods to our bedroom door.

  Pulling all the air I can into my lungs, I nod.

  Opening the bedroom door, I watch as he slowly sets his cell phone down on his bedside table.

  “Hey,” I whisper with a slight smile.

  “Hey.” He watches me without saying a word.

  “I have something to tell you.” I sit carefully at the foot of our queen-sized bed.

  “I already know. I saw the magazine on the coffee table.”

  I was hoping for excitement or at least a smile. “I figured as much. How do you feel about this?”

  “It’s big news. I have to admit I’m a little shocked.”

  “I wasn’t sure how to tell you.”

  He sits beside me on the bed. “What’s she going to do?”

  She? “Who?”

  “Skylar? This won’t be easy for her.” He runs his hands through his dark hair. “We can help out as much as possible, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough.”

  I don’t know what to say. He thinks Skylar’s pregnant? I think about all the hints we laid out around the house. Maybe Skylar’s right about him. Maybe he’s not as brilliant as I give him credit for, but at least he wants to help Skylar. That’s so sweet.

  “Chase,” I say sweetly talking his hand in mine. This is the last hint I have for him. I pray he catches on to this. “Skylar’s not the one who’s pregnant.” I sit back and wait for it to register in his head. I can almost see the wheels churning.

  “Skylar’s not pregnant?”

  I shake my head. A huge smile spreads across my face.

  He smiles and I know now that it’s finally registered. He looks at my belly before saying. “We’re having a baby?”

  I can only nod, my smile grows bigger.

  “You’re having my baby?”

  “Yes. I’m pregnant.”

  Chase

  Ava’s pregnant. I think about the last two days and all of the hints she’s been throwing. I’m an idiot to not have interpreted them correctly. A hamburger bun in the oven, baby lotion, and the recipe for a length of pregnancy. I’m truly an idiot. But that doesn’t matter. Ava’s pregnant.

  I stand and pick her up and kiss her. “I love you. I love you so much, princess.” I kiss her again and she giggles. “SHE’S HAVING MY BABY!” I scream loudly.

  Skylar runs into the room and laughs. “Now you get it. It’s about time.”

  I laugh and turn my attention to Ava.

  “I love you,” she whispers.

  I kiss her with all the love I have inside me. I can’t believe it. Before the mood turns intimate, Skylar leaves, closing the door behind her.

  I make love to her ever so gently. I don’t want to hurt her or my baby. Ava sleeps peacefully as I lie awake. Watching and listening to the sounds she makes, I promise myself to be the best dad there is. I promise to be true to her and to love her every second of the day. I pray and thank God for giving me everything I ever wanted. I thank Him for giving me the patience to wait for her. I think about the choices I could have made in the last few years, and I’m grateful that I knew, without a doubt, that Ava was the one for me. I’m married to the girl of my dreams, and I couldn’t be happier.

  A baby? If this is a dream, I never want to wake up. I never want to go back to her memory loss and being just friends. I’d rather be just her friend than never be with her. To have Ava out of my life would literally destroy me. A baby. Everything I ever wanted in my entire life is lying right here beside me.

  I
kiss Ava on her cheek before I stand to get a drink of water. As I walk through the living room, I hear Skylar crying. I try to ignore it as I down a glass of water. When she continues crying, I walk to her room and pause. Should I knock or just return to my room and ignore it? I knock. After a few long seconds, she says, “Come in.”

  I say, “Skylar, it’s me,” before opening her bedroom door. I don’t want her to be partially dressed expecting to see Ava.

  “You can come in, I’m decent.” When I open her door, she’s lying on the floor in a makeshift bed. Her bedroom suite still hasn’t arrived. Her eyes are red and swollen and used tissues are scattered around her. “I thought you’d still be celebrating the pregnancy.”

  “Ava fell asleep. It’s amazing news, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, pretty amazing. I’m really happy for you. You deserve this. Hell, you both do.”

  “Thank you, I appreciate that.” I look around the room before asking, “May I sit?” She motions with her hand for me to sit on the floor since there’s no other furniture in the room. “How are you doing?”

  Her lip quivers. “I’m sad.” A tear falls. “I’ve never been in love before. Now I know why. I never knew love could be so painful.”

  “Yeah, it can totally suck.”

  “I know. I don’t know how you did it, waiting on Ava and admiring her from afar for as long as you did.” She releases a long steady breath. “I don’t know how I can go on without him. I miss him. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.” Another tear falls. “I have to force myself to shower and to do the shit that needs to be done on a daily basis. If I didn’t make myself do those things, I would just sit here and die a long, slow, painful death.”

  “I wish I had some magic pill to help you. I don’t know how I did it. I just knew that Ava was the one for me, and no one else could take her place in my heart.”

  “Drew’s gone. He’s gone forever and I’m heartbroken. I don’t know when or if I’ll recover from this.” She wipes her nose with a clean tissue. “All because one day I wanted to have children and he didn’t.”

  “Did he tell you why he didn’t want kids?”

  “No. He just freaked out and left. Just someday in my life I want to be somebody’s mom. It’s my destiny. It’s in my blood. It’s who I am.”