Seeking the Future

by Brenda Kennedy

  “He told me that he was afraid to have kids because of losing his brother to cancer.”

  “I figured. But he just left. No explanation. Nothing.”

  “I’m sorry. Skylar, you’re a prize. If he doesn’t see that, then that’s his loss.”

  “Thank you. When will this feeling go away? I just want the pain to go away so I can feel like myself again.” She wipes away her tears. “I’m so happy for you, but I’m so sad for myself. Is that even possible? To be happy and sad at the same time? I feel like I’m going crazy.”

  “Maybe it’s time for you to consider seeing a doctor. I honestly think antidepressants will help.”

  She nods. “I don’t think I can do this on my own.”

  I lean over and hug her. “I could throat-punch him for you if that’ll help.”

  She gives a slight laugh. “That might actually help a lot. Thank you.”

  I stand up and look around the room. “When’s your new furniture coming?”

  “Tomorrow. I got rid of everything, thinking it would remove all memories of Drew, then I realized the dickhead is embedded in my soul.”

  “Could have saved yourself some money, huh?”

  “Oh, yeah. Lesson learned.”

  On the way to work today, I think about what Skylar said about being happy and sad at the same time. I’m beyond happy for Ava and me. Ava deserves this. Hell, I deserve this, too. Yet at the same time, I feel bad for Skylar. I have to believe that Skylar will return to her old self sooner rather than later. I miss the fire that lives within her. I have an idea that might just be what she needs to find her spark. A little online dating may be just what she needs. Speed dating might also be fun. That way she’ll have a variety.

  I text Ava throughout the day to check up on her. She was going to make an appointment with an OB/GYN today. I can’t wait to get an official confirmation and a due date. As soon as we get confirmation, we’ll tell our family about the baby. Until then, only Skylar will know. I get a text and am surprised to see that it’s from Skylar.

  Skylar: What do you think of these? I bought them for ChAva.

  Attached is a photo of a pink and of a blue sleeper. They both say “I love my Daddy” in white letters. How can I not like them?

  Chase: I like them, but who’s ChAva?

  Skylar: It’s your and Ava’s kid.

  I think I can feel a spark of her old self resurfacing. Only Skylar would think of combining my and Ava’s name to make our child’s name.

  Chase: I like the clothes, but I’m not so sure about the name.

  Skylar: Then I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t ask your opinion about the name.

  I decide it’s best to not reply. I hope this means maybe she’s feeling better.

  At work, I’m in an exceptionally good mood. I think it’s too soon to buy baby clothes or anything else for the baby. It’s still too early in the pregnancy to make such preparations. But if Skylar can buy a couple of sleepers, maybe it wouldn’t hurt for me to buy bibs or booties or something. I don’t have to show anyone; I can always store them in my desk drawer at work.

  During the work day, Nichole stops in the office unannounced. She’s smiling. “I hope this is a good time.”

  “For you, it’s always a good time.”

  I stand and walk around the desk to greet her. Although she’s Connor’s mom and Ava’s ex-mother-in-law, I like her and in no way do I blame her for what’s happened to Ava, or for how her son turned out.

  “Between spending my time in Lake City and trying to form a relationship with little Connor, it’s the first chance I had to stop by and thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, but that isn’t necessary.” I take a seat at my desk. “Now that your house is sold and the divorce is final, are you able to concentrate on your relationship with the baby?”

  Her face lights up and she smiles. “Oh, yes. If everything goes well, I may be able to take him home as early as next week.”

  “That’s great news.”

  “That’s why I’m here today. I need to get his room ready and get some toys and clothes for him. It’s been so long since I had a baby, I’m not sure what all he’ll need.”

  “Ava’s home, maybe she and Skylar can help.”

  “Would she mind? I’m still concerned about how she’ll feel about him. I know he was conceived during her and Connor’s marriage, but this little boy is so sweet. I pray she won’t have any ill feelings toward him.”

  “She’s said before she was fine with it, and I believe her. If she wasn’t, she would have said something.”

  She looks at her watch and says, “It’s time for their afternoon tea. I think I’ll go over there now.”

  I stand and then walk around my desk. “I’m glad everything’s working out for you. It’s good seeing you happy.”

  She turns to look at me. “I will always be grateful to you for everything you’ve done to help us.”

  Us. I know she’s talking about her, Ava, and little Connor. “I’m just glad it all worked out for everyone.” That’s the God’s honest truth.

  She leaves and I go to court.

  On the way home from court, I stop by the store to browse the baby section. Sadly, I had to ask where that section of the store was. I’ve never had a reason to shop in the baby department before. I pass by the larger items such as beds, car seats, and strollers, and go to the items hanging on the wall. The booties, socks, onesies, and sleepers look like they are made for a baby doll. I look at the sign again, and it says, “Newborn.” Can this be right? I place a pair of newborn socks in my hand and it doesn’t cover my palm. Are babies this small? I’ve seen kids. I’ve seen babies, and every one of them I saw was far bigger than this. I decide I’m in the wrong section and ask for help.

  “Excuse me, I’m looking for the newborn section,” I ask a young sales associate.

  “This is it,” she says, stocking the diapers onto the shelf.

  “Newborn babies?” I ask.

  She raises a brow. “Yes, that’s right.”

  Maybe she isn’t understanding my question. “Not for baby dolls?”

  She giggles and stands. “First-time father?”

  “It’s that obvious?”

  “Yeah. It’s okay. What are you looking for?”

  I run my hands through my hair. “I have no idea.” She raises a brow. I sound like an idiot. “We just found out she’s pregnant. It seems like I should buy something. I want to buy something, but I had no idea everything was so small.”

  She walks to the other side of the wall and I follow. “When my husband found out I was pregnant, he bought a hair bow for a girl and a pair of booties with trains for a boy.” She picks up each item and hands them to me. “Of course, I didn’t know this at the time, but he later told me he kept them in his car and would look at them throughout my pregnancy when he was alone.”

  “Your son or daughter could fit into these when they were born? They seem so small.”

  “She had to grow into it. Although this says it’s a newborn size, they fit big. Same with the booties.” I can feel my eyes get big before swallowing hard. “It’s okay. It just seems scary at first. My husband was scared to death in the beginning, but as soon as our daughter was born, he was a natural. I think that’s why he bought these items — so he would be prepared.” When I don’t answer, she says, “You have nothing to worry to about, you’ll be fine.”

  I thank her and then head to the toy department. I try the bow on several dolls before I find one that fits. It’s tiny, not much bigger than a football. I decide to buy the doll, too. Suddenly, I’m scared. Am I ready to be a dad? I’m a man scared of a baby. I need time to process this whole baby size, height, and weight thing.

  I place the bag of baby stuff in the backseat and drive to court. I try to concentrate on my client and the case, but my mind is on Ava and the pregnancy. Thankfully, this case is an easy one. Anytime a man fathers a child with another woman during his current marriage, the judge
almost always rules for the wife.

  While sitting in my office after court, an old client of mine walks in. I stand to greet her.

  “Chase, I heard you moved to Savannah and I was in the area. I hope this is a good time.”

  “It’s a perfect time, Carey. You’re not here on business, are you?” I ask, motioning for her to sit down.

  “Nope, I’m here on vacation. I stopped by your Lake City office and Barton told me you were here.” She looks around the office. “I shouldn’t be surprised to see your business is growing and you had to expand.”

  “Thank you. Is everything all right with you since your divorce?” I watch her closely.

  “It’s great and I’m fine. I’m actually here to thank you.”

  To thank me? “For what?”

  She sits up straighter in her seat. “Let me finish before you say anything.”

  “Okay.”

  “I have to admit that when a friend of mine recommended you, I was a little leery in the beginning.” I want to say something but I let her finish. “You have a very soft exterior and you’re very soft spoken. I wasn’t sure you were the right divorce attorney for me.” I’ve heard this many times from other women I’ve represented in the past. “But I was pleasantly surprised to see that in the court room, you’re more ferocious than I ever imagined. I think people aren’t prepared for the ability to attack that’s hidden behind your youthful and innocent good-boy look.” I don’t say anything, but I do laugh. “You’re quite the bulldog in the courtroom, and I’m thankful to have had you in my corner.”

  Bulldog? “Thank you.” I think. “I’m glad to hear that I was able to help you.”

  “Chase, you did more than help me. You got me everything I asked for plus some things I never expected. But most importantly, you exposed my ex-husband for the lying, cheating bastard that he is.”

  Sadly, I have a lot of experience with these kinds of cases. Anytime a woman is a victim, it unleashes the beast inside me. “I’m just glad it all worked out.”

  She stands and reaches her hand out for mine. “I just wanted to thank you again. I know I thanked you in the courtroom, but now that things have calmed down and I’m finding a new normal for my daughter and me, I wanted to thank you again.”

  “Carey, one thank you was enough and you’re very welcome.”

  “I’ll be recommending you to everyone I know in need of a good attorney.”

  “As long as it’s not criminal law,” I say.

  She laughs, “There’s a thin line there. Are you sure you don’t want to cross over it? I’m sure there’s some innocent people who could use your bull-dog antics.”

  I’m sure she’s right about that. “Yeah, I’m sure.” I walk her to the door and we say our goodbyes.

  Skylar

  “ChAva? I don’t know, Skylar.”

  “Ava, I like that name. It’s perfect for a boy or a girl.”

  “ChAva? You can’t be serious. It’s like what they call Ben and Jennifer: Bennifer. It’s just… ugly.”

  “Well, you and Chase can call the baby whatever you want, and I’ll call it ChAva.”

  She giggles and says, “Please don’t.”

  I would never do it, but it’s fun to say that I would.

  Ava gets quiet. “So, are you faking it or are you feeling better?”

  I sigh. “I’m a big fat fake.”

  “I was afraid so. What are you going to do?”

  “Die an old lonely woman with a house full of cats. I am now one of the Forever Alones.”

  Ava crosses her arms. “I’m not even going to laugh at that.”

  “I feel better during the day, but the nights are still hard.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Me, too. But after talking to Chase last night, I think I’m going to see a doctor. I never thought I’d need medication to get over some dickhead.”

  “You talked to Chase last night about this?”

  “Yeah, you were asleep and he must have heard me crying.” She frowns. “Drew’s afraid to have kids. I still think he should have stayed and talked it over with me. Nope, he just ran.” I wipe away a tear. “Obviously, you aren’t scared to have children.”

  We both laugh.

  “No, that’s not true. Did you ever see that episode of Friends where Rachael was pregnant and she watched that video on childbirth?”

  I laugh loudly. “She said it was like shoving a pot roast through your nostril or something?”

  Ava clenches her thighs. “Yeah, that’s about how scared I am right about now.”

  “Really? You shouldn’t be. Babies are so tiny.”

  “That might be true, but compared to a vagina, they’re huge.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. Like a pot roast compared to a nostril.”

  Ava rubs her nose and lines her brow. “What about the pain? That’s gotta hurt.”

  “You get some good drugs to help you through the pain. Doctors also say a vagina stretches.”

  “Well, that’s great, but do they go back to their pre-baby size? Or does the next child just fall out while you’re walking?”

  Now I clench my thighs. I don’t think I want kids now that I think about it. “I don’t know.” I don’t think so. How am I supposed to know?

  Ava stands and walks away, mumbling something about changing her mind.

  Nichole shows up and asks for help in shopping for clothes, toys, and bedding for little Connor. Ava eagerly sets up her laptop and shops for things little Connor will need. I have no idea how she knows what a one-and-a-half-year old boy will need, but she seems to know what she’s doing. After buying several outfits, pajamas, shoes, socks, and bedding, Nichole leaves for Lake City.

  The bedroom furniture didn’t arrive until just before 5:00 pm. I about gave up on them and was expecting another sleepless night on the floor. Ava helped me to get the sheets and bedding on the bed before she left for a celebratory dinner with Chase. She decided to wear a black dress. I think she’s in mourning over losing her normal-sized vagina to childbirth. I make a mental note to google that shit once she’s gone. This will play a huge role in my decision to adopt later in life. If my vagina doesn’t return to its pre-baby size, I may never have sex again.

  The bell over the main door chimes and I stand to greet our guests. They’re the only ones who use the front door of the inn. Our family and friends usually use the back door to the living quarters. “Hi, may I help you?” When I see who’s standing there, I freeze. My broken heart drops to the pit of my stomach.

  “I need to see you.”

  “Get out, Drew.” He looks just as shattered as I feel. How can that be possible? It was his decision to leave. He walked out on me, without saying a word. Nothing. I’m so confused. Part of me wants to go to him, while the other part of me wants to push him out the door. A part of me wants him to pick me up and tell me he’s sorry, but at the same time, another part of me doesn’t want to hear anything he has to say.

  “Skylar, we need to talk.”

  “No, we don’t.” I lower my voice to not bother our guests. “You said everything you wanted to when you ran out on me.” I turn to walk out of the foyer to return to the main living quarters. If he thinks I’m going to talk to him, he has another think coming.

  He runs up next to me and grabs me by my hand leading me to the back of the inn. “I have something to say and I’m not leaving here until you hear me out.”

  Chapter Four: Oh, Baby

  Chase

  “You look beautiful, but I’m surprised to see you wearing black for such a celebration.”

  “I am celebrating, but I’m still sad over Skylar. I didn’t want to flaunt my happiness too much.” She looks like she has something more to say but stops.

  “I understand.” I place my hand on the small of her back and lead her into the quaint restaurant. “Table for two. Murphy.”

  “Your table’s ready, Mr. and Mrs. Murphy. Please follow me.”

  I nod, and we follow her
through the restaurant. “I suggested she see a doctor about getting a prescription for an antidepressant.”

  “She told me. I think it’s a great idea.”

  I hold her chair out for her, and the first thing she notices on the table are the live baby’s-breath flowers in the small rosebud vase. She looks around at the other tables. “Specially ordered?”

  “I know people,” I tease.

  “I love them. It adds to the celebration.”

  “Princess, you look absolutely stunning tonight.”

  Her blush adds to her innocence. “Thank you.” We both order sparkling water, Caesar salad, chicken breasts with garlic butter, and baked potatoes for dinner. “Skylar’s still pretty upset.”

  “I hate that she and Drew split up over a pregnancy that’s never even happened yet.”

  “After our conversation we had earlier, I doubt she’ll ever want a child.” She pauses and says, “Well, maybe if she’s promised a Caesarean section.”

  I set my class of water down, giving her my undivided attention. “Why’s that?”

  She bites her lip and leans into the table. “Have you seen the size of a newborn baby?”

  I think of the baby doll, booties, and a newborn hair bow in the car that has me freaked out. “No, not in person I haven’t, but yeah, I can imagine how small they are.”

  She looks shocked at my choice of words. “Small? They’re like this big.” She shows me with her hands how big she thinks they are. A little bigger than a football. I think she’s in the ballpark in size.

  While we’re both concerned about the baby’s size, we’re concerned for different reasons. “Is something bothering you, Ava?”

  She leans further into the table. “I don’t know how to say this.”

  Now I’m concerned. I lean in closer and ask, “You can tell me anything. What is it?”

  They deliver our salads, interrupting our conversation. I watch as Ava stands and moves from her seat to the chair beside mine. “We have to find a doctor who does only C-sections,” she says seriously.

  I have to hold in my laughter. “Why’s that?”

  She tells me about the nostril and pot roast scenario and about having to wear pads from now on because tampons will fall out. If that were true, no woman would ever have a second child; there wouldn’t be enough friction to make things interesting for either the man or the woman. Poor Ava. Her concerns are as ridiculous as mine. I run out to the car and bring in my purchase from earlier. I show her the baby socks, the hair bow, and then the baby doll. I tell her I’m scared of something this small. “I can hold it in one hand. What if I hurt it? It’s so small, what if it breaks?