The Big Book of Girl Stuff

by Bart King

  Names are important; it’s always better to call someone by name as you’re talking to him or her (not to call someone names). It makes everything more personal and friendly. If you meet someone and she doesn’t say her name, just ask, “What’s your name?” It’s better than having to wonder about it or waiting too long and then you are embarrassed to ask.

  How Rude!

  A survey of over 1000 Americans in 2005 found the following.

  97 percent of people had been bothered by people using cell phones in a loud or annoying way.

  44 percent of people were frequently annoyed by children being rude in public.

  69 percent of people thought that the main cause of rudeness was parents not teaching good manners to their kids.

  Oops, You Forgot Her Name!

  Sometimes you’ll meet someone and then not run into her again for weeks or years. By then, you’ve forgotten her name. How embarrassing! If you’re already with another friend, quietly ask your friend to introduce herself as soon as the person whose name you’ve forgotten comes closer.

  You: Hi! How nice to see you again!

  Unknown Person: Hello! How are you?

  Your friend: Hi, my name is Jennifer.

  Unknown Person: Hi Jennifer, I’m Shakira.

  You: Shakira, right! [To yourself: Whew!]

  If you end up introducing people to each other, the usual rule is that women are introduced before men, and older people are introduced before younger people. If you can give a little information while you introduce others, it helps get a conversation going.

  Making Conversation

  So you’re at a party, and you end up talking to someone you don’t really know. Or maybe a relative you don’t see much stops by the house and they’re sort of quiet or shy or even just weird, and you’re having one of those uncomfortable moments where neither one of you knows what to say.

  So what do you say?

  To keep a conversation going, remember this rule: You can learn something from anybody. But you have to ask questions!

  Find out what the person is interested in and then ask them about it. This might be a hobby or job or project or whatever. If the person has kids, ask about them! But the thing is, if you really don’t care what the person says, it will show. So at some point, you should realize that it’s better not to ask about things you really have no interest in.

  Here’s a good formula to follow when starting a conversation or trying to keep one going: QCC. Ask a Question, make a Comment, give a Compliment. A good listener does more than smiling, nodding, and saying “Uh-huh.” If that’s not working, bring other people into the conversation. This takes the pressure off you. “I really want you to meet . . .” is a good way to make this transition.

  Bored? Find a good strategy for getting away. When there’s a pause, say something like “I’m sorry, if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I have to ask Melissa about an assignment.” (Only use that sentence if someone named Melissa is around.) Another exit line is “It was nice speaking to you. I feel like I’ve learned so much about loofahs.” Smile and walk off with a purpose.

  (Cell) Phone Etiquette

  “Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”

  —Fran Lebowitz

  This is the most important part of this entire book. Knowing good cell phone manners may someday make the difference between LIFE or DEATH for you. READ ON!

  The Three Commandments of Using a Cell Phone:

  Don’t eat on the phone. (Use a plate instead!)

  If you’re with real people, it’s rude to talk on your cell phone for more than a few moments. (You’re ignoring real people because of a voice in a piece of plastic!) Also: If you are paying for something in a store or restaurant, DON’T talk on the cell phone. It is really rude to carry on a conversation while a cashier or clerk rings up your purchases.

  If you are in an enclosed public place with other people, it is rude to talk on the phone. But if you HAVE to, at least talk quietly. People who talk loudly on the cell phone when out in public are “stage-phoners.” They have to be doing it for the attention. “Look at me! I’m talking to someone super-fabulous on my phone!”

  *A woman named Aimee McPherson liked talking on the phone so much, she supposedly had an actual phone line installed inside of her coffin. Can you imagine calling her and getting an answer? (That’s what is called a “dead ringer.”)

  *The worst thing the stage-phoner can do is the “cell yell,” which is when the stage-phoner has to talk really loud because of bad reception.

  Close cousins of stage-phoners are the cell phonies. Cell phonies make fake phone calls and then pretend to talk to people who aren’t there. People sometimes do this to avoid looking like loners or to get out of conversations with other people. (Being a cell phony is a great idea if there are creepy people around, by the way. You can avoid them, and they know you can call for help if they give you trouble.)

  Life’s Mysteries: Do you let the phone ring a couple of times before answering it, even if it’s right next to you? Us too.

  Although it’s hard to say exactly how many people are cell phonies, our guess is that over half of cell phone users have been phonies at one time or another. But to be a good cell phony, you have to be able to fake a phone conversation.

  How to Be a Cell Phony (and Not Get Caught!)

  Make Sure the Phone is Actually OFF (or Set to “Silent”) When You Speak: Imagine your embarrassment when you’re in the middle of a “conversation” and the phone rings!

  Avoid the “Uh-Huh” / “Uh-Uh” Trap: A rookie cell phony will be unable to keep a fake phone conversation going because she doesn’t know what to say. She often gets trapped into just saying “uh-huh” or “uh-uh” in an unconvincing way. Just remember a conversation you had earlier that day and then try to reenact it.

  Use Facial Expressions: Make the little smiles, eye rolls, and hair twirls that you would do if someone were actually on the phone with you.

  A Telephone Tragedy! A wise man named Tom told us that Alexander Graham Bell (the inventor of the telephone) always answered the phone by saying “Ahoy!” Bell really thought that everyone should use “Ahoy!” It didn’t catch on, though, and famous inventor Thomas Edison popularized “Hello” as a telephone greeting instead. (And Edison was no expert in communication; he proposed to his wife in Morse code. How romantic!)

  By the way, we were serious about how good cell phone manners can save your life. Once you get your driver’s license, don’t talk on the cell phone while driving! Anything that distracts a driver from the road can cause an accident, and talking on the cell phone is a huge distraction for drivers.

  I.M. and E-Mail Etiquette

  The term for using good manners online is netiquette. Some netiquette rules are the same ones you’d usually use. For example, don’t talk to strangers!

  If you’ve been online much, you’ve probably been “flamed” or seen it happen. (Getting “flamed” is when someone writes a very insulting online message.) For some reason, there are people who will write much meaner things online than if they are actually talking to someone. A girl who writes mean things online is a “cyberbully.”

  It’s easy to gossip and say mean things if the other person isn’t there, especially if the cyberbully has an online nickname that keeps her anonymous. She thinks she can get away with anything.

  So if you ever find yourself about to write something nasty to or about someone on the Internet, STOP. Don’t be an e-mauler. If you really mean it, say it in person or don’t say it at all. (And another bonus is that if you say it, it can’t be forwarded around to unknown people.) Be nice and use proper netiquette! That way you won’t have to join the club of girls who write something, hit SEND, and then hit their foreheads with their palms, saying, “What have I done?”

  *Try not to use all capital letters in your writing. Not only does it look like you’re shouting, but it ta
kes 30 percent longer to read ALL CAPS than it does normal letters.

  IM Safety Tip

  Be careful not to leave the room when you are in a chat room or Instant Messaging. Your little brother may come in and pretend to be you!

  Emoticons and Text Messaging Lingo

  “Emoticons” are an easy way to express an idea, facial expression, or emotion in a way that saves time and space. You probably know a lot of emoticons already. Here are some of the more creative ones:

  _/_o/_ A shark attack!

  _/_*o/*_ A shark attacking a cheerleader!

  ( ‘}{‘ ) Kissing

  :]~~~~* A frog catching a fly

  ~(8(l) Homer Simpson

  ~)))’ An armadillo or opossum

  ..._(:)-o Scuba diver

  @(*o*)@ Princess Leia or a koala bear

  })i({ A butterfly

  (:::::]:::::) A Band Aid

  : [~ A vampire

  =8-O Someone who saw a vampire

  (=^;^=) A cat

  (=^@;@^=) A cat that saw a vampire

  3:(:)) A cow

  &:-.)B Marilyn Monroe

  |:~, A witch

  `~~)_)~~´ A roll of toilet paper

  :-(E Person who’s a sloppy eater

  :@) :8) A pig piggybacking on another pig

  qo{-]: Kid on a skateboard

  % :-(|) Girl with a trout pout

  ((((o*> A fish

  &:-{} Girl wearing lipstick

  (:-P~)~ Sticking out your tongue and drooling

  };^)’ Li’l devil

  ::::::::|==0 A sword

  (__(__) A butt

  “2b Or Nt2b.” —Hamlet

  Text messaging is often made up of abbreviations, for example, B4 for before. Or it might include acronyms, which are the initials of words, like JK (just kidding), TTFN (ta-ta for now) and BTW (by the way). Or the letters may just “sound out” the word, like QTE (cutie).

  *In Japan, typing text messaging on cell phones with the thumb has resulted in young people being called oyayubi sedai, or the “thumb generation.” And in Singapore (where over 80 percent of people carry cell phones), they host the world championships for cell phone text messaging. A young woman named Kimberly Yeo recently won over $10,000 for setting a new record in the contest.

  Below are a few creative and/or useful text message abbreviations. (BTW, dont uz dEz 4 skool asynmnts, cuz ur teacher wll B so grrr!)

  +ly: positively

  4YEO: For your eyes only

  aDctd2luv: Addicted to love

  AWCIGO: And where can I get one?

  b3: blah, blah, blah

  c percentl: cool

  CMIIW: Correct me if I’m wrong

  CRBT: Crying big tears

  DEGT: Don’t even go there

  DKDC: Don’t know, don’t care

  EOL: End of lecture

  IDGI: I don’t get it

  ILUVUMED: I love you more each day

  IRL: In real life

  KAMU: Kiss and make up

  MITIN: More information than I needed

  NME: enemy

  POAHF: Put on a happy face

  POS: Parent over shoulder

  S2pid: stupid

  SITD: Still in the dark

  UR O-O: You are cool

  WDYMBT?: What do you mean by that?

  XQz: excuse

  YG2BKM: You’ve got to be kidding me

  YYSW: Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever.

  Eating Etiquette

  It’s amazing how many rules about “manners” have to do with food. We don’t have room to explain everything about food etiquette, but we will tell you that if you ever go to a fancy meal and there are 12 different kinds of forks and spoons, and you’re not sure which ones are for what, NONE of them are for scratching yourself. (Tell your brother, too!)

  You already know to put your napkin on your lap as soon as you sit, but a basic rule that everyone should know is: If you’re eating with other people, wait until everyone is seated and served before diving in to your plate.

  Another good piece of advice is this: If you’re at a nice restaurant or formal meal and you’re not sure what to do, you can:

  ASK! It’s not a big deal. If the people you’re with are nice, they’ll be happy to help.

  If you’re too shy to ask, just copy what everyone else does.

  If there is more than one piece of silverware (for example, two forks or spoons), begin by using the one on the outside first. With the next part of the meal, use the next piece of silverware in. (But just to make it confusing, if you have more than one knife, start with the one closest to your plate, and then work your way out.)

  If you have waiters or waitresses, they will serve you food to your left and remove plates from your right. To signal your waiter that you’re done eating from a bowl, or plate, put your fork or spoon (and sometimes your knife) at a five o’clock position.

  Hot Tips! Tipping a person for giving good service is an art form. Did you know that men tip women waitresses more, and women tip men waiters more? Interesting! Anyway, the tipping tradition has been around for a long time. For example, it was customary to tip the executioner in England and France in the 1700s. That way, you knew he would grab his sharp axe for the job. Nobody wants an executioner with a dull blade. (Actually, nobody wants an executioner at all.)

  If you’re passing food around the table, it goes from left to right—that’s clockwise. (If you’re passing gas around the table, you should probably stop doing that.) Sometimes there will be something on the table you can’t reach. It’s always more polite to ask the closest person to pass it than to reach over and grab it yourself. What if you spill something? Or what if you forgot to use deodorant?

  Q. Can I put my elbows on the table?

  If you’re not actually eating something, we think it is usually okay to put your elbows on the table. But don’t slouch!

  Q. There’s something nasty in my mouth. What do I do?

  Maybe it tastes bad, or maybe it’s a horrible chunk of gristle (yuck!), but whatever it is, you’re not going to swallow it. What to do? If you’re lucky enough to be standing, walk somewhere private, spit it discreetly into a tissue and throw it away.

  It’s tougher to pull this off at a table. Get your napkin out and cover your mouth with it, then reach up with your other hand. If you think you can spit the horrible thing onto a fork without spazzing out and dropping it in your lap, do it. Otherwise, it’s probably easier and safe to just reach up with your other hand (keep it covered with the napkin) and remove the nastiness. Stick it on your plate and cover it immediately with a chunk of bread.

  Q. If my cell phone rings during dinner, can I get it?

  No. Turn it off.

  Chew This Over

  “Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most.”

  —Willie Wonka

  Chewing gum only becomes gross when chewed incorrectly. As long as nobody can see it or the inside of your mouth when chewing, you’re okay.

  Your Parents’ Friends

  If you’ve ever babysat a kid with bad manners, or maybe had a dog that jumped on people, you know how embarrassing it is. Believe it or not, you can embarrass your parents, too! Who you are is a direct reflection of who they are. So when adult visitors come by, be polite and greet them warmly. You don’t have to hang around and make small talk, but just a little bit of effort goes a long way.

  Saying “Thank You”

  Do you like to get gifts? If your answer is “yes” (and we bet it is!), then be sure to write a thank-you note for any present you get. That note is like an investment in your gift-receiving future! Write the note and the person will buy you another gift sometime. Skip the note, and the person will think you’re ungrateful.

  It’s easy to say, “Thank you,” but just saying it isn’t enough if you’ve gotten a gift or personal favor from someone. Timing is everything. The key is to write the thank-you note or card within five days of getting the gift. Otherwise, you’ll just keep putting it
off until it’s too late to do it at all!

  When thanking someone, be sure to be specific about what you’re thanking her for, even if you didn’t really want it in the first place. (“Dear Aunt Maud, thank you so much for the Princess Fairy Tale Cruiser. I’m sure it will come in handy sometime this year.”) If you got money, describe how you plan on spending it. (“Dear Aunt Maud, thank you for your generous gift. I plan on spending it on either a jacket I’ve had my eye on for a while, or a Princess Fairy Tale Cruiser.”)

  Saying “I’m Sorry”

  “The more we know, the better we forgive. Whoever feels deeply, feels for all who live.”

  —Madame de Staël

  Sometimes your friends can be so sensitive, you have to apologize for silly things just to “keep the peace.” You know what we mean! For example, let’s say that you didn’t see your friend in the hallway as you were walking to class.

  Your friend: Okay, BE that way.

  You: What? Oh, hi!

  Your friend: You think you’re too good to say hi to me!

  You: What? I didn’t even see you there!

  Your friend: All I know is that I said “hi” and you didn’t say “hi” back.

  You: Okay! Fine! I see you now! Hello again!

  Your friend: Now it’s too late.

  You: Arg! Fine, I’m sorry. (This is a fake apology!)

  Your friend (now happy): Okay, see you later!

  What about real apologies? There comes a time in everyone’s life when she realizes that she’s made a big mistake. Dang it! Now she needs to apologize. (Boys never have this problem, because they can never admit when they’re wrong.)