by Heather Wood
“We were both drunk and I tried to back off, but you really wanted to take things further. You said ever since Ryan left you, you felt alone, ugly and unwanted. You just wanted to get lost in the sensation of being intimate with someone again. I asked about a million times if you were sure and you kept taking off your clothes, so it was kind of hard to resist.” Why was he telling her this? Even if it was true, it seemed cruel to let her know what a fool she made of herself.
“It’s getting late maybe you should just go.” She began to load the dishwasher again.
Peter blew out a long breath. “You’re mad, I get it. I just thought it would be better to be honest with you. That night was fucked up-our first time should have been romantic. But you were sad, it made you feel good, so what’s the harm in it?”
She mulled over what he said. “How do you know it made me feel good?”
He laughed and kissed her hair. “Well, I’m surprised the screams of pleasure didn’t have the neighbors calling the cops.”
She hit him in the arm and couldn’t help, but smile up at him. “Well, I hope to remember it next time. Just not tonight, agreed?” A flicker of disappointment crossed his face for no more than a second. After, he returned her smile.
“Of course, we have plenty of time for that.” After a chaste kiss goodbye and plans to see each other over the weekend, he left.
Before bed, Alice undressed in front of her bedroom mirror. She stood naked and examined every part of her face and body. Her ribs poked out and her breasts had seemed to shrink even smaller since she lost weight. Her belly was flat, as if there was never a swell, never a little person growing inside of her. She knew miscarriages were common, they could happen for any reason. The doctors claimed it didn’t mean it would happen again or she wouldn’t be able to conceive again. Little did they know that she would never be able to conceive the baby she wanted, the one made with Ryan.
Chapter Ten
Alice was tearing apart her bedroom the next morning. The contents of her dresser drawers were emptied onto the floor and she was frantically exploring every nook of her apartment. She couldn’t find her journal. Dr. Crowley had given her the idea to write it in again and now she wasn’t able to find the damn thing. Horror washed over her as she realized she must have misplaced it. She brought it along to work and the bookstore a few times and it must have fallen out of her purse. She chastised herself for not taking better care of the book. It would be humiliating if anyone she knew read it. It contained all her worries, insecurities and obsessions. God, if anything she wrote got back to Ryan, she’d leave town, she thought miserably.
***
The lost journal. She forgot about that. He must have took it, used it to mind fuck her this entire time. She basically gave him complete access to her deepest fears. How could she have been so blind? She loved him and the whole time it was just a game to him. The dizziness and confusion slowed her. She fell to her knees and tried to catch her breath. She wouldn’t be able to run too much longer. He would catch up to her and then…Then what? Would he kill her? Torture and rape her?
Alice felt herself slipping, losing consciousness. He didn’t have a chance to hurt her, so what was wrong? Why did she fee like she was dying? She dug her fingernails into her arm until the pain was unbearable. She had to stay awake at all costs. Taking the medication now seemed like a horrible decision. Another one to add to the laundry list of bad decisions she made over the past few months.
Her phone? Where was it? She called someone and they told her something she had to remember. She left the hospital, that’s what was said. Hysteria and bile bubbled through her. She didn’t even hear him enter the clearing.
“Alice, what have you done?”
#
“Oh my god, you came!” Jennifer’s voice trilled across the backyard. Alice felt like all the life went out of the party and every eye turned towards her. She shifted the potato salad in her arms awkwardly. This was such an insanely bad idea, she scolded herself.
The past couple of weeks had gone by in a blur. Alice and Peter had gone on a couple more getting to know you dates the week before. The dates were nice and lacked the intensity of the first few dinners together. He told her more about his family and some work friends he had made since moving here. A lot of kisses and some over the clothes fondling were at about as far as they’d gone. She was relieved that he didn’t push the sex issue again.
He’d been gone the past four days. He headed back to New Jersey for a few days to visit his family and handle some business. She was actually glad of his departure since she hadn’t mentioned going to the barbecue at Ryan’s house. It wasn’t a big deal and she was trying to keep Ryan out of their conversations as much as possible.
It had been a struggle all week of whether or not she would go. Jennifer called several times and they were able to really catch up on how things were going over the past few weeks. The subject of Ryan has been tactfully avoided until two nights ago when Alice told her it would be awkward for her to come. Jennifer explained that she had talked it over with Ryan and he was fine with the idea. In fact, he’d love if she could bring Junior along.
Logan’s house sat on about ½ acre of land in the middle-class section of Hillside. The backyard overlooked a small creek and a scattering of woods. Tables of food were set up against the fence while a makeshift bar was situated on the deck off of the back of the house. Although there were a good 25 to 30 people at the party, it felt too quiet for comfort when she walked through the back gate. Junior pulled at his leash and she knew Ryan was nearby.
Jennifer ran up to her and moved in closely. Her manicured nails gripped Alice’s arm tightly. “I tried to call you and give you a heads up. Did you get my texts?”
“Huh? I was running around all day and making the potato salad. Think my phone was buried somewhere in my pocketbook. Why, what’s wrong?” Alice felt nervous by the look of anxiety on Jennifer’s face. Was she suddenly uninvited? Why the hell would she ever think it was a good idea to show up here?
“Hey there! I’m so glad you could make it!” Logan’s voice boomed and he pulled her off of her feet into a hug. Looking into the same deep blue eyes as Ryan’s, she felt some of her uneasiness dissipate. Logan had about two inches on Ryan, but had the same tanned skin and easygoing smile as his brother. He wore his hair slightly longer and was constantly changing his facial hair. Right now he had some sort of goatee thing going on. Until she laid eyes on him, she didn’t realize how much she missed him. Jennifer and Logan were her and Ryan’s constant companions. Although the brothers fought on occasion, they were still close. The four of them went on numerous dinners and weekend getaways together.
“Thanks for inviting me; I really hope I’m not imposing. I brought potato salad,” she handed over the bowl.
“Please tell me it’s the kind you make with the bacon?” She smiled and nodded. “That’s freaking amazing, everything tastes better with bacon, you know?” He turned to Jennifer, “Babe, can you go check on the burgers on the grill? I have to fix the tap on the keg.”
Jennifer gazed at Alice uncertainly. “I’m fine, Jen. I’ll just get a drink and find a place for Junior to hang out,” Alice said. Jennifer nodded, “Okay, but I’ll be right back.” Logan waved goodbye and made his way over to the keg. Normal conversation had resumed during her exchange with Logan and Jennifer. She kept her eyes downcast, unsure of which direction to head. She was sure she’d know a lot of the friends here, but she was wondering if she should find Ryan first and say hello. Junior decided to make the decision for her and pulled her so quickly, she almost lost her balance. She practically crashed into Ryan as Junior made his way across the yard.
“Whoa, whoa, buddy! I’m happy to see you too,” Ryan said affectionately and leaned down to rub Junior’s head. Her traitorous pug rolled onto his back and begged for a belly rub. Of course, her dog hated her new boyfriend, he was obviously brainwashed by Ryan.
She began to examine Ryan as he petted her
dog, but felt distracted by someone watching her. A leggy brunette stood nearby with her hands across her chest. When she saw Alice watching her, she gave her a smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes. She looked vaguely familiar, but Alice couldn’t quite place her. She was breathtakingly beautiful. Gorgeous brown hair highlighted with blond streaks cascaded down her back and her skin was impeccable. She was tall and Alice felt envious over her amazing body. Long legs, small waist and ample breasts. Was she a model or something? Was that why she looked familiar? The girl started towards her.
Oh no, she inwardly moaned, as it dawned on her why Jennifer tried to reach her this morning. “You must be Alice,” she breathed. Alice almost laughed hysterically at her breathless tone. The girl sounded like she spent too much time watching old Marilyn Monroe movies.
Ryan rose to his feet. A thousand emotions seemed to pass over his face. She saw guilt, anxiety and unbelievably enough self-righteousness. Was this girl supposed to be payback for Peter? The girl went to reach for Junior. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you, he hates strangers.” She began to pet him and he began to snort happily. He leaped onto his belly for more caresses. Of course, he hated Peter, but was instantly smitten with this girl. She promised to threaten him later with a trip to the pound. “Who’s the good doggy? Who’s the good doggy?” the girl cooed.
“So, Alice, this is Bethany,” Ryan began awkwardly.
“Nice to meet you,” she replied automatically. Nice to meet you? Seriously? The people pleaser comment of Peter’s seemed to haunt her constantly. “You look really familiar, have we met before?”
She sensed Ryan’s discomfort at her question. It was amazing how attuned she was to him, even though they were at odds at this moment. “Bethany’s actually an actress. She’s been in a few commercials and some theater projects.”
An actress? It was such a cliché, she tried not to vomit in her mouth. Realization dawned on her. “I know you! You were in that play me and Ry went to last year. The modern take on Sleeping Beauty thing.” God, it was awful. Bethany was of course Beauty and instead of being a princess, she was a patient trapped in a dream in a mental institution. If she remembered correctly, Ryan slept for a good hour during it. “How do you and Ryan know each other?”
“Ryan, you didn’t tell me you saw me in that! I’m a patient at Ryan’s office and we got to talking awhile back and realized how much we had in common,” Bethany offered. Awhile back? If Ryan had screwed around on her with this flake, he was about to get knocked out.
Ryan noticed her barely contained rage. “A few weeks ago, she means,” he clarified and then continued, “Bethany, I’m just going to steal Alice for a minute.” Bethany shrugged and turned her attention back to Junior. Alice felt slightly offended. Was she so unattractive that she doesn’t pose at least a little threat to her?
Ryan motioned her towards a maple tree to the back of the yard. “Before you freak out, it’s not what you think.”
“Me, freak out? Ryan, don’t flatter yourself.”
“I met Bethany a couple of weeks after we broke up. She made it pretty clear she was interested-she’s not exactly the shrinking violet type. I told her I wasn’t ready to date that I had an ex-girlfriend I wasn’t over. She insisted I take her number. I didn’t call her until two weeks ago,” he said pointedly.
It was practically two weeks ago to the day that he had walked in on her and Peter. Consequently, seeing her with another man gave him the push to begin dating again. Ryan was a heartbreaker-it wasn’t overly surprising he would end up with a stunning actress. She always wondered if people questioned how ordinary looking Alice landed him. She tried to summon a feeling of anger, but found it wasn’t there. She just felt sad. “Why am I here, Ry?”
“Despite everything, I still care about you. I wanted you here and honestly Bethany had told me she couldn’t make it. She called me about an hour ago to let me know her plans changed and she was on her way. I would have given you some advanced warning.” Another dig at her? Or was he just trying to make the best out of a complete mess.
A part of her wanted to be childish, but she decided on a dignified approach instead. “Ryan, this is your home, I’m the guest; you don’t have to let me know who’s going to be at your party. I mean maybe this is a good thing. If we’re both dating other people, it means we’re getting over what happened. Who knows maybe we could even end up friends in the future?” The thought of possibly doubling with Ryan and Bethany made her want to gouge her eyes out.
“You think so? Last time, I saw you, you were really upset. I remember vividly something about hating me.” She had to admit he had a point. But why should she continue hating him? What would it accomplish? It wouldn’t turn back time and magically put a ring on her finger and a baby in her belly. She also had to admit the stuff about his mom’s boyfriend had thrown her. They were together for three years and the thought of someone hurting him as a kid filled her with rage.
“It was a hateful thing to say and that’s just not me. You never promised me anything, you never said we would be together forever…I can’t hate you for wanting different things than me.” She didn’t even know she felt that way until the words came out of her mouth. It resonated as true inside of her. Yes, Ryan should feel bad about how he handled the break-up, but how could you hate someone for simply not loving you as much as you love them.
He cast her a sideways glance. “How are things with your guy? Still seeing him?”
“Yes, he’s visiting his family until Monday. It’s going good, just still getting to know each other.”
“Does he treat you well?” She nodded and he continued, “The way I left…the things I said when I picked up my stuff from the apartment…Alice, I’ll never forgive myself for that. You deserve someone who tells you every day how wonderful you are and how you make him the happiest man alive.” That was hard for her to hear. She knew his intentions were to say she deserved happiness, but it stung to know he couldn’t do these things for her.
Before she could reply, Jennifer ran up to them. “I am super sorry for disappearing for so long. The keg thing took longer than expected and Logan insisted I man the grill. The good news is that only half of the burgers are burnt. Let’s eat and chat.” Jennifer linked her arm through Alice’s and moved away from Ryan without speaking to him directly. Alice cast an apologetic glance over her shoulder as she left him alone. He headed back towards Bethany and Junior. “Can you believe he brought that whore to our party? He’s lucky I don’t convince Logan to throw his ass out.”
“Jen, it really is fine. Ryan is allowed to date whomever he wants. Maybe she’s the type of girl he really wanted all along. We’re not together anymore and I’m seeing a great guy.” She picked up a plate and waved to a few acquaintances across the table.
Jennifer snorted. “Who are you trying to convince, sweetie? Type of girl he wants? Any guy with a dick would want a girl like Bethany. But be for real? It’s obviously a desperate attempt to either get over you or get back at you.”
Jennifer never minced words. She would tell you actually what was on her mind, whether or not you asked for her opinion. She appreciated the newfound loyalty and honestly had her doubts on how serious things could get with Bethany. “Well, I don’t really know her. I mean she’s model pretty and he probably appreciates the boobs considering mine are barely there. Just because she’s an actress, I’m not going to assume she’s not smart.” Was she really defending a girl who was currently fondling both her ex-boyfriend and her dog?
“Well, she hung out here one night and I’ll tell you right now, she’s not smart. To be honest, I don’t even think Ryan listens to her speak. He had this sort of comatose look on his face the whole time she was talking,” Jennifer laughed. Alice loved her friend at that moment. Even though they didn’t talk for a few weeks, she doubted that Jennifer ever stopped caring about her. “Anyway, I think you should forget about them both and have an amazing time tonight.”
After eating with Jennifer
, a few of her friends through Ryan stopped by their table to talk. Apologies were left unsaid, but she could tell that no one had meant to hurt her. They belonged to Ryan and she never had really bothered to try and make friends outside their circle. Junior trotted after Ryan happily and Alice hoped he wouldn’t cause a scene about leaving. Although she had tried to give Bethany the benefit of the doubt, the girl was beginning to get under her skin. How many times at a party did you really need to tongue the guy you’re dating? Did she really need to sit on his lap while they ate? As the night wore on, she figured it was time to go. She had enough to drink where she could end up saying or doing something she would regret. Walking over to Jennifer, she said, “Jen, I think I’m going to head out. I’m pretty tired and probably had way too much to drink. Do you mind if I leave my car here overnight? Me and Junior will just walk home.”
“Alice, you live two miles from here! I’m not going to let you walk home alone at night. I’ll get my keys and drive you,” she insisted.
“It’s your party and you had just as much to drink as I had.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” she hiccupped. She glanced over at Logan who looked like he was about two beers shy of passing out. “Why don’t you just crash here? You could stay in the guest room and leave in the morning.”
“Tempting as that may be, I don’t want to spend the night in the same house as my ex and his new girlfriend. Seriously, I’m fine, we live in Hillside and Junior will tear anyone to shreds. You should see how he is with Peter.”
“Bethany left like 15 minutes ago; she had to get her beauty rest, something about a big audition coming up. Who the hell knows? Probably a commercial for stool softeners.”
“Alright, but let me check with Ryan. I don’t want him to feel weird about it. Anyway, maybe he didn’t drink a lot and could drive me home. Do you know where he is?” She looked around the yard and couldn’t spot him.