by Heather Wood
“Maybe check the house.” As Alice walked inside, she dug her phone out of her pocketbook. Besides the earlier text messages from Jennifer, Peter had sent her a few texts. He said his visit was dreadfully boring and he couldn’t wait to see her again. Would she want to come over his house to watch a movie Monday night? She smiled to herself. She’d been dying of curiosity to see his house, but didn’t want to just invite herself over. She didn’t want him to get the wrong impression.
Logan’s house was pretty empty, just a few people gathered around the TV. With no sign of Ryan, she wondered if he would mind if she checked his bedroom. She wasn’t sure what room he had taken over, but after a few wrong turns found his room at the back of the house on the first floor.
The light was on, but Ryan wasn’t there. It felt surreal to see his things somewhere else. She felt a lump rise to her throat and had to push back the feeling of loss that haunted her for weeks when he left. She looked at his bed with one of their old sheet sets and felt nauseated at the thought of him having sex with Bethany in it. Her knees felt week and she sank onto his bed. Maybe she had drank more than she thought? What had happened to her earlier bravado? Her eagerness for them to both move on and maybe one day be friends?
Crawling onto his bed, she breathed in the scent of him lingering on his pillow and sheets. She let the tears come. She knew they could never be friends. What kind of psycho friend crawls into your bed and goes into a fit of hysterics when catching a whiff of your scent? She needed to leave now. She rose up too quickly and felt the room spin. As she fell back onto his pillows, she tried to get a hold of herself. She wished she could make herself disappear when she heard the door open.
Ryan ran over to the bed. “Alice, are you okay? I’ve been looking for you. Jen said you wanted to walk home and I got worried you took off.” She couldn’t look at him. She felt so pathetic and weak, embarrassed by her desperate need for him. “Alice, what’s wrong? Have you been crying?”
How could she explain things to him? She felt out of her mind lately. It was like one minute she was fine and the next she was lost again. A huge fog seemed to follow her around at times and make it difficult to focus on reality. Why hadn’t she taken the medicine from Dr. Crowley? She obviously needed it. She forced herself into a sitting position and reached for her purse.
“Alice, talk to me. Did something happen? I know tonight was weird, but I don’t want you this upset over it. Things with Bethany aren’t serious, I don’t love her-she’s just someone to spend time with.” She turned and it felt painful to even look at him. She couldn’t reconcile this Ryan with his earnestness with the one who left her months ago. Could he really change that much so soon? After doing a survey of her appearance, he continued, “Okay, you’ve had way too much to drink. Just stay here tonight and we can talk in the morning. Everything will be fine, I promise you.”
His words brought her up short. He had whispered the same words in the hospital over and over as she cried into her pillow after the miscarriage. She had lain in his arms as he drew patterns on her hands and kissed her hair. He was so perfect that night, so gentle. But how could he have lied to her? Everything was not fine and probably would never be again.
At that moment, she wanted to hurt him, make him bleed the way she bled for hours. Feeling the baby leave her body and holding onto Ryan’s love like an anchor. Little did she know he would steal it away days later. Exhaustion overtook her and she sank back onto his bed without a word. She couldn’t keep doing this-she had to make a clean break. How could she break their connection? They were still drawn to each other despite everything. Before she could thing it through, she said the words she knew would change everything. “I’m in love with Peter.”
Chapter Eleven
“Hey, are you okay? You barely touched your delicious home-cooked meal?” Days later, she found herself over Peter’s house. His home-cooked meal consisted of serving a variety of Chinese take-out on his fancy china.
Peter was beginning to catch on to her failed attempts at normalcy. Ryan had left the room immediately after she told him she loved Peter. A mutual friend arrived in his room a few minutes later to announce he would be happy to bring her home. She simply nodded and left. She later texted him that he could keep Junior for awhile. He seemed to like Ryan better anyway and Logan did have plenty of space for him. Without her dog, the house seemed even lonelier.
She still wasn’t sure why she had told Ryan she loved Peter. Deep down she knew that her sleeping with Peter was not enough to break their connection. Even though he was pissed about the encounter, sex didn’t mean love. Saying she was in love with another man would not only cut at him, but keep him away for good. And it wasn’t completely far-fetched. Although she didn’t love Peter yet, she could imagine their relationship heading into that direction.
It was a relief to have Peter back. He had picked her up earlier and took her to his home on the outskirts of Hillside. She could see why they never really went to his place. It was off the beaten track and was definitely one of the more rural areas of the town. Alice’s apartment was in the center of town and near a ton of restaurants and stores.
Peter’s house fit with the vibe of the area. Oversized windows, two fireplaces and a huge deck gave it a vacation home feel. The furniture was simple and understated. She wondered if he bought the home furnished, but wasn’t sure if that would be a rude question to ask. After giving her the tour, he had served her the Chinese food on the back deck. The weather was beautiful and it felt like summer had finally arrived. Although he had a couple of neighbors on the cul-de-sac, the night was quiet.
“Nothing’s wrong, just enjoying the view. Your house is beyond amazing, thanks for having me over.” He pecked her on the lips and joined her at the patio table. They dug into their food and the conversation stalled. It had been a hard past couple of days; she had begun the antidepressants prescribed by Dr. Crowley. She knew they didn’t work instantly, but she was hoping they would do something for her mood soon. A part of her knew she should be happy about moving on from Ryan, but when she told him she loved Peter, they both seemed to sense the finality.
“Anything exciting happen while I was gone?” he asked. “Any progress on your college plans?”
“No, I plan to get working on that soon though. The drudgery of typing and filing all day long is starting to get to me. I think I need a hobby or something,” she lamented.
“Well, what are you interested in?”
“I’m uncoordinated and have terrible hand and eye coordination, so problem anything athletic would be out. I was thinking maybe something creative, maybe taking a basic drawing class or creative writing course. It would probably be good to start meeting new people, it sounds pathetic to say, but I feel like you’re my only friend right now.” She looked away uncomfortably.
He sounded pleased. “You don’t need anyone else; I can be a very good friend to have.”
“You better watch what you say; I might start depending on you too much. I don’t even have my dog anymore.”
He couldn’t hide his shock. “Why? What happened?”
“He’s staying with Ryan for a bit. His brother has a huge yard and I feel like Junior always preferred Ryan. I did all the work, but he always got all the glory.” God, could she stop complaining to this poor man, she chastised herself. Every date she felt like she either yammered on about Ryan or became incoherently drunk. “So, the upside is that when you come over your pants will likely survive.”
“Alice,” he said her name softly. His green eyes burned into hers and she felt speechless for a moment. “I won’t let you be alone. I realize we’ve only known each other a short time, but I care about you…a lot. The entire time I was away, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I know my timing is probably horrible with your breakup and all, but I’d like us to be together. Exclusively.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? It’s not too much too soon?” he inquired. Yes, it was absolutely the worst possible
idea to jump into something, but why shouldn’t she be with him? He was handsome, sexy and kind. It was hard to envision a long-term future with anyone besides Ryan, but who knows how she’d feel in time.
“Peter, you’ve basically been my shrink for the past few weeks. Plus, you’re one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. And you’re not too bad to look at either,” she smiled. He rose to his feet and took her by her hand. He pulled her onto his lap and began to kiss her deeply. As he became more turned on, his kisses became urgent and aggressive.
His mouth moved to her neck and she moaned with pleasure. It felt so good to be wanted, to feel desired. Her brain tried to interrupt her ecstasy and she pushed away any doubts and thoughts. He ran his hands down the front of her body and began to work his hand up her skirt. “Maybe we should go inside,” she suggested softly. He nodded and lifted her up. She tried not to laugh, but it felt like a funny sensation to be carried. The bedroom seemed too far for him, so he simply laid her down on the couch. He removed his polo shirt and stepped out of his khaki pants. She allowed herself a moment to admire his body. He was very muscular with a broad chest and strong shoulders. As he pressed his body over hers, she couldn’t help to note how large his biceps were. “You’re in pretty good shape for an investment banker,” she joked.
Not bothering to remove her skirt, he pulled down her panties. He moved his fingers inside of her and he smiled down at her. Pleased with her readiness for him, he pulled down his boxers. A protest died on her lips as he entered her. His control seemed to die as he began to thrust into her. She wasn’t used to the aggressive way he bed her, but figured maybe it signified how passionate he felt about her.
He finished quickly and without a word. As he pulled out of her, Alice was left wondering if she enjoyed what had just happened. It would have been nicer to take it slow, but the intensity was seductive. Not to mention, the first time you have sex with someone (and actually remember it) can be awkward until you’re able to become attuned to their body.
The silence was kind of strange. She never had sex without some kind of pillow talk. She looked over at Peter and saw that he had his eyes closed. He had finished less than two minutes ago and he had passed out on her? Alice didn’t know whether to be offended or annoyed. She rose to a sitting position and began to straighten out her clothing. He stirred. “Hey, where are you going?”
“It’s getting kind of late, I have to work tomorrow, so I probably should be heading out.”
Before she could move to a standing position, he enveloped her in his arms. “I thought maybe you could spend the night?”
The earnest look in his eyes helped melt some of her annoyance. The sex was less than ideal, but she did feel strongly about him. He just knew the right things to say to her and could be very gentle at times. “But, I don’t have any clothes and I’d have to leave super early to get home and get ready for work.”
“I’m an early riser, so I’ll drag you out of bed. Why spend the night at an empty apartment, when you could be warm in my bed?”
“Well, when you put it that way…” He kissed her and gazed at her thoughtfully. “What are you thinking about?” she asked as the moment stretched on.
“I hope you’re happy because I really am. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I just wish I could be the one to take away that sad look in your eyes.”
“I am happy with how things are going-I’m normally not this mopey I swear. It’s just going to take me some time to get over things.”
“It probably would be best if you didn’t see Ryan anymore. It’s just going to make things worse the more time you spend with him,” he stated flatly. She wasn’t sure what to say, especially since she hadn’t told him about going to the party at his house. He had a point, but it wasn’t something she really wanted to discuss. Instead of arguing, she nodded her assent.
Later, she snuggled deep under his covers as he spooned her from behind. At this point, it was hard to argue with his logic of not spending the night alone in her apartment and having a warm body beside her. The only thought that stopped her short was wondering whether or not it mattered who the body belonged to.
Chapter Twelve
“You have to remember that antidepressants won’t simply make your problems disappear. If you’re depressed, we have to focus on the underlying cause of your depression. That’s the reason continued therapy is important, you must decide what life changes are needed.”
Dr. Crowley had seemed somewhat surprised she had decided to begin taking the medications. Alice guessed that her last visit through the doctor off. She had seemed hopeful for moving on from her past. Since seeing Ryan with another girl and spending time with him last weekend, she had probably regressed back to where she started in therapy.
“Are you experiencing any side effects?”
“I guess a little bit of sleepiness and a headache from time to time. Nothing super severe, but I don’t feel a huge change or anything in my mood.”
“Antidepressants don’t work that way, the full therapeutic effect may take as long as six weeks to achieve. I want you to really gauge your emotions as you continue on the medication. We start at a low dose and increase as needed. And it’s really hard to predict how your body will react to the medication. Some patients feel their symptoms worsen or begin having feelings of anxiety. If anything doesn’t seem right to you, you need to let me know immediately.” She nodded and looked expectedly at her doctor. “How are things going with Peter?”
She wasn’t sure how to answer the question. She was conflicted over how their date had gone. “I think we could be headed in a good direction. He wants to be exclusive. It’s fine, especially since I had no intention of dating anyone else. I just don’t how much is real and how much is my need to find comfort in another man.”
“That’s an honest answer. Have you talked to Peter about taking things slow?”
“It’s kind of late for that. We were intimate for the first time the other night and we’ve seen each other pretty much every night this week. I have to be honest-it feels good to have someone around again.”
“You say ‘someone around.’ Is that a fair characterization of how you feel about Peter?” That was a good question. It was hard to decide how she felt about Peter. He fit the bill of the perfect guy, but it didn’t mean she was in love with him. She needed to know more about him and decided she only scratched the surface. He didn’t talk much about his family or past relationships. Most of their conversations only focused on his job and current acquaintances he met through work and town. He seemed to prefer talking about her and she didn’t want to seem pushy.
“I’m not sure how I feel about him. He’s great, but one of the things that bothers me is the sex is….different. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m used to Ryan or if it’s something else.”
“How is it different?”
“Well, I thought maybe it was just an off first time. But we’ve had sex two other times this week and it’s been the same thing each time. He’s very aggressive in the bedroom and I don’t know if I totally like it.” She felt strange confiding to her therapist about Peter’s preference for animalistic sex. She had no idea how to bring up the issue with Peter. She didn’t want to offend him or make him feel like she didn’t want to sleep with him. He was so thoughtful in other ways-it had just surprised her he wasn’t a thoughtful lover. After pounding into her for a few minutes, he would finish and roll off of her. It just didn’t feel romantic and enjoyable to her. This morning, she woke up with bruises on her upper arms. He had gripped her especially hard as he climaxed and didn’t seem to notice when she cried out in pain. It was on the tip of her tongue to say something, but had held back for some reason. She guessed out of fear of losing him.
“A good relationship must be based on good communication. One of the problems you mentioned about you and Ryan was that you never talked about commitment or your future goals. If you’re not happy with something about Peter, maybe it’s better to s
ay something from the get go instead of letting it fester.”
Although she agreed at the time, she had her doubts when she arrived home. It would probably be better to let things with Peter progress naturally. Maybe he had no idea how to be a good lover? Maybe his ex enjoyed rougher sex? Alice’s number of lovers could be counted on one hand and had been with the same man for three. Maybe she had to consider being more open to different sexual experiences. The phone rang just as she sunk into her couch cushions and picked up the remote.
“Hello.”
“Hello daughter. Do you remember me? Your mother. I know it’s been awhile, but she’s the one who gave birth to you and all.”
“Hi, Mom. Isn’t kind of early in the conversation to harp on me about being a neglectful daughter?”
“Just pointing out how it wouldn’t hurt you to pick up a phone once in awhile. We should do the Skype thing too; it would be great to see your gorgeous face.”
“Ugh. Skype, mom? Really? I think the idea of being videotaped while you have a phone conversation is inherently wrong.”
“You’re the young one, darling. You think you’d be the one to keep up with the times. Anyway, how’s work? How’s the love life?”
She hadn’t yet told her mom about Peter. Her mother adored Ryan and took their breakup very hard. She just couldn’t believe he would leave her the way he did. She was persistent in her efforts to try and get Alice to talk to him and work things out. Asking about her love life was a thinly veiled attempt at asking if she was back with Ryan. “Work is fine, same old. Diane is going away for a couple of weeks, so it’s going to be pretty dull around the office. I may take a few half-days to keep from dying of boredom. As far as the love life, well, I’m sort of dating someone.”
“You are! Who is he?”
“His name’s Peter and he’s an investment banker. We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks and I guess you can say now he’s my boyfriend.”