by Heather Wood
“Really?” her mother said. She knew what was coming after the awkward pause. “Have you told Ryan you’re seeing someone?”
She tried to diminish the edge in her voice. “Ryan left me so I think he lost his right to know who I’m dating. However, he does in fact know about Peter and also has a new girlfriend. An actress.”
“I’m sorry, hon, I wasn’t trying to make you feel like you shouldn’t date anyone. I think it’s fabulous you met a great guy. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
“Mom, thanks for the concern, but the only guy you need to worry about hurting me is Ryan.”
***
“Please don’t hurt me,” she begged. She tried to rise, but found it impossible. Every fiber in her being screamed out the thought that she was going to soon die.. She had stabbed him, but it hadn’t been enough. And now she was no longer strong enough to fight him off.
“You’re really fucking crazy, you know that? It’s fucking pathetic to look at you crawling around on the ground like a baby.”
She looked into his face. It was becoming increasingly difficult to focus on his words. It was surreal to see him looking at her this way. How did someone who told you he loved you more than life itself become the person trying to hurt you the most? He marched over her and she cowered as he grabbed her by the arm and lifted her off the ground.
“You’re supposed to be dead.”
“Well, obviously you can’t even stab someone right. Another thing to add to your list of failures in life.” He pulled her forward easily. Her muscles failed to cooperate and move away from him. Something clicked in her befuddled brain as he dragged her out of the clearing.
“You did this to me? What did you give me?” she accused.
“Alice, get a fucking grip. You’ve been a pill junkie for weeks. Everyone knows about it, why do you think they were trying to get you hospitalized?”
“This isn’t my fault. You’re the psycho trying to kill me.”
“Who do you think looks like the crazy one is this scenario, Alice? You’re hooked on pills, been unstable for months and stab me, unprovoked I might add.”
“Believe me, it was fucking provoked. Where are you taking me? If you’re going to kill me, just do it already.”
“Kill you? What the hell are you talking about? I’m turning you into the police.”
Chapter Thirteen
She avoided Ryan for weeks. She steered clear of any restaurants and bars he liked. Most of Peter and her meals were either out of town or at each other’s home. Things were going marginally well. She just wished he would open up a little more, but figured it was probably just a guy thing. Men were more concerned with the day to day things while women were more prone to analyzing and digging deeper.
Their sex life was pretty much the same. One morning, she woke up so sore that she found it difficult to get dressed. Her underwear was bloodied too from how rough he had been with her. After noticing her discomfort, he apologized and said she had this effect on him where he found it difficult to control his lust. She had hoped things would be better and had realized she needed to speak up if she wanted it to change. It was just hard to figure out the wording that wouldn’t hurt his feelings.
The antidepressants were finally starting to help. She still felt tired a lot and somewhat disconnected. Dr. Crowley recommended continuing the same regimen of medications and therapy for the time being. Without going into details, she again mentioned to her doctor her lack of pleasure during sex with Peter. She pointed out how antidepressants could adversely affect a person’s sex drive.
One night over dinner, she resolved to get this sex thing figured out. If they were going to be with each for a long time, she couldn’t keep dreading sleeping with him. As he made a move to pull her into the bedroom, she held her ground. “Hey, what’s the rush? Do you mind if we take things slow tonight?”
He ignored her and began tearing at her clothes without a reply. “Peter, hey wait? Didn’t you hear me?”
“Sorry, it’s really hard to listen to you when you look so sexy. Let’s talk later,” he unbuttoned his pants.
“Peter, no, I’m serious. Let’s slow down for a sec, I mean we could try some other things, really make things last.” She knew she had said something wrong by the troubled expression that took over his face. He snatched his arms away. He buttoned his pants, turned on his heel and left the room.
“What’s wrong? Are you upset with me?” She followed him out to the living room and noticed he was already gathering up his keys and wallet to leave. He didn’t say anything and continued towards the door. “Why are you leaving?”
“Look, Alice, I’ve put up with a lot of shit since we’ve been together. An ex-boyfriend, a rabid dog, your mood swings. But I draw the line at someone telling me I suck in bed.” She almost fell backwards with shock. She couldn’t stop the tears that sprung to her eyes.
“Peter, don’t go, please,” she begged. He looked at her with a mixture of pity and disgust. She didn’t realize until this second what he meant to her. She had isolated herself so completely that he had become the most important person in her life. Even if she didn’t like the sex, the calls, dates and sleepovers were what had really helped her through this rough patch. Now, he was going to leave her too because she had to open her big mouth. What man would want to be told he needed to last longer? “I’m so sorry, I love sex with you…just don’t leave.”
He went to exit the door and suddenly changed his mind. He slammed it shut and turned to her. Grabbing her by the shoulders, he pushed her down on the stairwell. Before she could speak, he was thrusting her tongue into his mouth. She groaned as he took a handful of her hair and yanked it. “Peter, I…”
“You what, Alice?” His voice challenged her. She felt vulnerable and scared. A part of her screamed that she must demand he get off of her and leave. But she knew she would never see him again. The more she rationalized, the more it seemed okay for her to accept this side of him. If this turned him on, could she put up with it to keep him from leaving? She didn’t know if she could handle being abandoned again. The loneliness had almost killed her the first time around.
“I love you.” Her tone was desperate. Although she said it in a moment of weakness, she knew she meant it. He was there for her when no one else was. He dealt with her depression and seemed to help her through it. Maybe she could help him through wherever this anger came from.
“Say it again,” he commanded. He pulled down her pants and crushed his body into hers. She could barely breathe, but felt such a relief at his pleased expression. Without warning, he entered her. Her body wasn’t ready-his large member tore through her. It took everything not to cry out, but knew it would just ruin any relief her profession of love had provided.
“I love you, I love you…”
Chapter Fourteen
“You look like crap.” Her boss shared the quality of bluntness with Jennifer. When Alice had called out of work after the breakup with Ryan, she showed up at her house and wouldn’t leave until Alice came downstairs to answer the door. She told her if Alice didn’t want to end up jobless on top of boyfriendless she would get her ass in the shower and get into work. Although it sounded harsh at the time, it was the kick in the ass she needed.
Diane was in her late forties, but kept up a youthful appearance with regular visits to her plastic surgeon. Alice had to mark them down in her appointment book as “dentist” appointments. She was Diane’s sole employee, so her time off usually had to coincide with Diane’s schedule. Although she had wanted to call out the next day, she knew that Diane may end up popping in for another one of her famed drag your sorry ass to work visits.
“I’m sorry, rough night. I didn’t sleep that well.” That was an understatement. After accosting her on the stairs, Peter said he was sorry for getting mad at her and that he loved her too. Her back had killed her all night and her scalp was still sore for when he pulled her hair. More than once, she had to ask herself if
she was crazy? What kind of normal girl put up with this crap? But as he held her all night and gently massaged her back, she found it hard to focus on all the reasons she should be alarmed.
Diane looked at her shrewdly. “Okay, whatever you say. Anyway, not that I should be answering my own calls, but Ryan called you around 9:00. You know the time you were supposed to be at work?” She said looking pointedly at the clock that had just struck 10:00. “He said something like not being able to get through on your cell phone.” She had changed her cell phone number about two weeks ago. Peter suggested it would be a good idea to keep Ryan from calling her. She also disconnected her house phone since it seemed silly since she always used her cell anyway. The front door lock being changed was the last part of Peter’s plan of action to keep Ryan out of her life.
“Okay, thanks.” Diane looked like she was going to say something else, but thought better of it. She entered her adjoining office and shut the door. Alice sat down and began going over her to-do list for the day. She debated on whether to call Ryan and thought better of it.
At noon, she called out a goodbye to Diane and headed out the door. She typically grabbed a sandwich at the deli at the corner and took a walk around the block for her lunch hour. If time permitted, she would sometimes run out and do a few errands. As her stomach growled, she began to fantasize about the turkey special at the deli. She didn’t notice Ryan come up behind her. She yelped as he grabbed her arm.
“Alice, what the hell? I was calling your name. You look like you just seen a ghost.” She got a hold of herself and tried to calm her breathing.
“Sorry, I was just in my own world, thinking about lunch…” she said uncomfortably. She was about to say more when she heard a familiar bark. She dropped her knees and felt her heart melt. Junior ran up to her and began to lick her face.
“Oh my sweet dog, how much I’ve missed you!” she cried. Alice felt overjoyed at seeing her pug again. She had thought about him often since leaving him with Ryan and had a hard time not driving over to his house in the middle of the night to commit a dognapping.
Alice was pleased to see how Junior reacted to her. It was as enthusiastic of a reaction as the one he gave Ryan after he moved out. The longer she petted Junior, the more she noticed that Ryan wasn’t speaking. She glanced up at him and felt exposed at his intense stare. She began to babble. “Diane just told me you called. Sorry I didn’t have a chance to get back to you. I should have given you my new phone number, but things were so weird the last time, I thought it would be best to not talk. It’s been hard to not see Junior, but figured he’d be much happier at Logan’s.” She rose painfully to her feet. After several ibuprofen, she still found her back pain unbearable.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Come again?” She knew what he meant and felt embarrassed. She knew she looked tired and haggard. Even extra makeup didn’t seem to help this morning. It angered her that Ryan would seek her out the day after she had her first fight with Peter. Now, he wouldn’t see how unbelievably happy she was with Peter.
“Do you want to go to lunch?” he asked. Alice could tell he could sense her uncertainty. “It’s not a big deal. We could grab a few sandwiches from Cat’s Deli and head to the park.” She looked down at Junior and found her protest die on her lips. She missed her dog and didn’t know how she could pass up a chance to spend time with him.
Alice waited outside the deli with Junior while Ryan ordered the sandwiches. She wasn’t sure what Ryan wanted to talk to her about, but figured it would probably be easier to just find out and get the conversation over with. She didn’t want him to pop up at her house. Who knew how Peter would react?
They headed towards the park about a block south. It was funny to think that this used to be such a normal routine when they were a couple. Meet up for sandwiches and have lunch in the park. They even had a bench they favored. To shake off the familiarity, she sat down at a table on the other side of the park. She opened up her sandwich wrapper and began to eat. After he didn’t say anything, she prompted, “So you called me about something?”
“Yeah, um.” He looked unsure for a minute and gazed at the other park visitors. “It’s actually about Junior.”
“Oh god, is he okay? He’s not sick or anything, right?”
“No, no, nothing like that.”
“Good, you gave me a heart attack for a minute there.” She broke off a portion of her sandwich and handed Junior a piece. She smiled when he burped in appreciation.
“I’m actually moving out of Logan’s. I’ve been there three months and think I seriously overstayed my welcome. Jen has no problem loudly stating that three’s a crowd. The apartment I’m moving to doesn’t allow pets. So, I was thinking Junior could go back to live with you.”
“Of course!” She reached down and pulled Junior into her lap. She hugged him tightly and she heard Ryan laugh at her enthusiasm. They fell silent and she knew he was studying her again. To ward off any questions, she inquired, “So, where’s the apartment?”
“The Meadowbrook Complex off of Third Avenue.”
She whistled appreciatively. “Wow, they’re nice. Quite the bachelor pad you’ll have.” She joked and then had a thought that turned her cold. “I mean, are you living alone? Or are you…moving in with Bethany?”
“No, just me. She does live in the complex, that’s why I was able to get in. She knows the owner really well and got me a spot when someone broke their lease. Apparently, they have a waiting list for units.”
“Not that it matters,” she tried to sound dismissive. “I mean I really wish you the best and hope things work out with Bethany.”
“You do?” he asked incredulously.
“Of course, Ry. Why wouldn’t I want you to be happy? I don’t hold a grudge about what happened. We just both needed to move on.”
“Speaking of moving on, how are things with Peter?”
“Great! He’s wonderful!” She knew by his reaction she had answered too quickly and automatically. The false enthusiasm wasn’t fooling him. He raised an eyebrow.
“Alice, what’s going on?”
“What are you talking about?” She wondered how much time playing dumb would buy her.
“I know I have no right to butt into your life, but I know you too well. If there is something wrong, I really wish you would tell me. I mean, are you still having a hard time about…the baby? Have you thought about talking to someone about it?” His gentle tone infuriated her. She rose quickly and had to restrain herself from tossing her sandwich at him.
“I have news for you Ryan, you’re no longer my boyfriend or my doctor. So, just mind your business,” she stated. “Just come by when you’re ready to give Junior back.” She tried to gather her stuff to leave, but found her entire body shaking. She dropped her bag and of course the contents, including her prescription bottle, spilled onto the ground. Before she could grab it, Ryan reached it and held it out from her grasp. Through gritted teeth, she threatened, “Don’t you dare read it, Ry.”
He ignored her and looked over at the bottle. He handed it back wordlessly. “Ry, you’re an asshole.” Before she could run away, he grabbed her by the shoulders. She wanted to get away from him, but became distracted by his touch. She felt a strange déjà vu and couldn’t help, but compare how different Ryan touched her than Peter. Although his touch held her in place, he wasn’t hurting her.
“Fine, that was a complete dick move of me, but I can’t help it. I was worried. But, it explains a lot of things, Alice. You really need to talk to your doctor. If you’re not sleeping and you find yourself feeling down, he’s probably going to decide to switch medications. Who are you seeing now? Maybe you should stop into the office to see Daniel.” Daniel Roberts was her usual physician and worked with Ryan at their medical group.
“I’m fine, seriously. I just had an off night, that’s all. Things have actually been really good lately. Peter is….great, honestly. He’s helped me through a lot of stuff. I’ve been s
eeing a therapist, Dr. Marisha Crowley. She’s monitoring my medications, so you really don’t need to worry about me.”
He gave her a dubious look. “Alice, despite everything, I do care about you. I know what I did to you is unforgivable. If I could go back in time and make things right I would. It’s something I’ll have to live with the rest of my life. You’re in love with Peter, I get it. I’m not going to mess up your life anymore than I already have. But don’t you think for a minute that if you need me, I won’t be there for you.”
This is why I stayed away from him for so long, she thought. He had a pull over her and she couldn’t seem to just tell him to go to hell. Whenever she saw him post-breakup, he through her off-kilter and left her doubting Peter. She even had wondered for a second if she should tell him about their fight yesterday. Junior barking broke into her thoughts and she looked down at her watch. “Oh hell, I’ve got to get back to the office. Diane was in a mood this morning and no way am I pissing her off again.” She looked at him apologetically. “Ry, I wish every time we saw each other, it wasn’t like this. It’s just doesn’t seem possible to be friends with you. But, like I said before, seriously don’t worry about me. I’m keeping track of how I’m feeling and letting Dr. Crowley know.”
“Okay, Alice. Just give me a call if you need anything. Or make an appointment with Daniel if you aren’t feeling right. You could even have Rose schedule you when I don’t have office hours.”
“Thanks, I’ll keep it in mind. When were you thinking of dropping Junior off?”
“Would Sunday work?”
“Yes, that’s fine.” She gave a quick wave and quickly headed towards her office.
Chapter Fifteen
Alice had debated whether or not to cancel her date with Peter that night. Not only did she still not feel well, but wasn’t up to telling him about having lunch with Ryan. She knew he’d probably be pissed and she lacked the energy to fight. She tried to reach him by phone, but only got his voicemail. At 7:00, she heard the doorbell ring and inwardly groaned. If he thought they were having sex again tonight, he was out of his mind.