by Heather Wood
“Calm down, it was just a dream. Let’s turn the light on and try to relax for a minute.” He stopped rubbing her back and reached for her bedside lamp. As she got a handle on her surroundings, she felt her anxiety slip away.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“You’re just under a lot of stress and your mind is reacting to it. This is why I was telling you that being around Ryan and anyone associated with Ryan is a bad idea.” Alice had felt bad for not calling Jennifer back and had asked Peter if she should invite her to lunch. Peter had said she could do whatever she wanted, but should probably stop entangling herself in Ryan’s life.
“Maybe you’re right,” she sunk back into her pillows. She tried to fall back asleep after Peter gave her a kiss and turned out the light, but found herself sleepless for hours.
***
“Alice, we’re going to try another drug protocol,” Dr. Crowley announced days later at their regularly scheduled session. Alice had explained about the nightmares and the feelings of anxiety that were plaguing her. A part of her just wanted to stop the medications altogether, but was afraid to stop without speaking to her therapist first.
“I just want these feelings to stop. Before I just felt so sad. Now, I’m on edge constantly, but especially at night. Thankfully, Peter has stayed with me every night this week.” The nightmare had freaked her out enough that the thought of being alone at night filled her with dread. Peter didn’t seem to mind splitting the nights between sleeping together at his house or her apartment.
“When you have depression, it’s very common to experience anxiety symptoms as well. The episodes you have sound like panic attacks and stem from the stressors that have plagued you these past months.”
“I’m going to give you a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication. I want you to stop taking the Prozac before you begin the Xanax. The Xanax helps calm you and decreases the anxiety you feel when having a panic attack.”
Dr. Crowley went over the precautions and side effects she could experience on the medication. She also recommended continuing with behavioral therapy to help relieve her anxiety and depression symptoms. She explained that managing depression and anxiety wasn’t an exact science and it could take a few different tries until they found the medication that worked for her. They talked about her week with Alice skirting around the complexities of her relationship with Peter.
As she was leaving her therapist’s office, her phone rang. “Hello.”
“Changing your number won’t get rid of me that easily.” Despite herself, Alice smiled at the sound of Jennifer’s voice.
“Really? Now you’re my stalker? I never thought of myself as stalkable,” Alice laughed into the phone.
“Honey, you are definitely stalkable,” Jennifer laughed back. “So, where have you been stranger? I know the food at our barbecue couldn’t have been that bad.”
“No, you don’t think so? Did you actually taste that gelatin thing Bethany made?”
“God, you’re making me shudder even thinking about it. Seriously though, what’s going on? I thought after seeing you at the food store and then the barbecue, we were good again.”
“We are, Jen. I’ve just been having a hard time lately. I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you. I was trying to avoid anything or anybody Ryan related.”
“Hey, you and me both. I can’t tell you how happy I was to have our house back. Living with two hot guys isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, believe me. Between their inability to wash their own clothes or pick up a dish, I was about to lose my mind. And honey, I love your dog, but what do you feed that thing? It seemed like he pooped about a hundred times a day.”
Alice unlocked her Altima and slid into the driver’s seat. “Well, I’m happy to hear both my ex and my dog are no longer ruining your life. And again I’m sorry for the radio silence.”
“Honestly, no need to apologize. I was a crappy friend to you before and that’s not going to happen again. So, what are you doing now? Free for coffee?”
“No plans, I was just going to head home and then go over to Peter’s in a bit. Where are you? I’m near Starbucks on Garfield if you’re free to meet there.”
“I’m just leaving the mall, so I could meet you there in 15.”
Alice waved Jennifer over when she saw her enter the Starbucks. “Hey gorgeous, glad I could finally tear you away from the new boyfriend.”
“Oh God, I am that girl who ditches all her friends when she has a boyfriend,” she grimaced.
“So, am I going to ever get meet this new guy?” she inquired. “Hold that thought, I’m going to order a coffee.” Jennifer rushed to the counter just in time to cut off the businessman heading into order. He gave her an annoyed look, but one Jennifer flipped her blond hair and offered a smile, he shrugged and smiled back. After giving very specific orders to the barista, she made her way back to their table. “So, you were saying about letting me meet Peter…”
“Don’t you think it would be weird with Ryan? He is practically your family,” Alice pointed out taking a long sip of her coffee.
“Yes and no. Part of me is curious because Ryan hates him so much. He gave Logan the gist of what happened when he dropped Junior off. Something about how the guy pretty much forbid Ryan from ever speaking to you. But, hey, I figure there are always two sides to every story and Ryan hasn’t exactly been prince charming lately.”
“I think both of them meant well. Ryan was just concerned and Peter’s kind of…overprotective. He knows the situation with Ryan and only sees him as the guy who left when the going got tough.”
Jennifer nodded enthusiastically as she mulled this over. “I could see that. Ry was pretty shaken up about the whole thing, honestly. He still feels a claim on you, I guess. Which is totally not fair, I know. Is it selfish for me to say that I really wish you two would get back together?”
“Yes, it’s selfish, but when has that ever stopped you, Jen?” she laughed.
“I know, I know. But Bethany is just so….awful. We used to have so much fun when the four of us went out. I’ve come up with so many excuses not to hang out with them; I think I might have to fake a case of mono.”
“She can’t be that bad…” Alice hedged, but was secretly delighted to hear that Jennifer still didn’t like Ryan’s new girlfriend.
“She wants us to go to one of those murder mystery dinner things. She’s in the show, Alice. I mean I hate those things anyway, but to spend two hours witnessing her bad acting on top of it makes it even worse.” Alice’s phone chimed. Looking down she saw it was a text from Peter wondering what time she was coming over. She sent a quick text that she was having coffee with Jennifer and would meet up with him later. Jennifer gestured to her phone. “So, who was that? Mr. Wonderful?”
“Yeah, he was just checking to see when I was coming over. So, were you serious about meeting him? I could mention it to him tonight.”
“Yes, definitely. Although we should probably just set something up with the three of us. Logan might not be into the idea. He loves you, but Ryan is his brother.”
“No, I don’t want Logan to meet him. That would be a messed up thing to do to Ryan anyway.”
“So, tell me about Peter. What’s he like? Have you been spending a lot of time with his friends? Meet his family?” Alice sat back from Jennifer rapid fire questioning. She didn’t really know how to answer the majority of the questions. What was Peter like? Was he the sweet guy that promised to always be there for her and just gifted her with thousands of dollars? Or the bad tempered man who mauled her in bed?
“Well, we actually have this dinner thing next week with some of his coworkers and their wives. He doesn’t talk about his family a lot. They live in New Jersey, so he’ll spend a few weekends there from time to time. He’s very good looking. Tall and broad shouldered. He actually spends a lot of his free time working out. He tried to get me to play tennis with him one day until he realized how horrible I am at sports.”
Jennifer laug
hed. “You are uncoordinated. Remember that time we went kayaking? I thought for sure Ryan was going to smack you with one of the paddles.” As Alice laughed at the memory, her phone chimed again. Peter’s text urged her to hurry up since he was waiting to eat with her. She put it away without answering it.
“So, have you seen Ryan’s new place? Is it nice? He said something like Bethany helped get him in.” Alice couldn’t help but pry, she could kid herself as much as possible, but she was curious about Ryan’s post-Alice life.
“Yeah, they are pretty nice. A huge master bedroom with a walk-in closet. The kitchens are all new with granite and wood cabinets. But can you believe he picks a place that doesn’t allow dogs? After that whole song and dance about how he missed his dog so much and was so happy to have him back.” Jennifer gave her a disgusted look. Alice was flattered at the loyalty Jennifer was showing. She knew for all the grief she gave Ryan, she loved him like a brother. It meant a lot that she didn’t sit there and try to convince Alice that he was perfect.
“I’m sure it was a tough decision for him,” Alice allowed.
“Ah, you’re too nice.”
“Hardly, but it’s been getting harder and harder for me to stay angry at him. Like, before I would think I’m okay with what happened, when it would suddenly hit me again. I was consumed with this idea that I had to try to hurt him as much as he hurt me,” she explained.
“And how do you feel now?” Far away, she heard her phone chime again, but didn’t bother to pick it up.
“Like maybe I shouldn’t have blamed him for everything. I mean he told me that he wasn’t sure about marriage. What gave me the right to think that having a baby would change something he felt strongly about since he was a kid? And we never even talked about children. Why was I surprised that he was blindsided about the pregnancy?
I’m not saying he handled the situation in the right way. But you have to remember that he’s a physician’s assistant. He doesn’t show his emotions like me. He’s supposed to have that cool and analytical exterior. I don’t think it occurred to him that I expected him to be a little more emotionally distraught about losing the baby.”
“I think he was, Alice. I mean, after you broke-up, he was a complete and utter mess. Drinking constantly, sulking in his room, canceling appointments with his patients. After the tattoo debacle…” Jennifer rolled her eyes before continuing. “By the way, I’ll have Logan show you the horrific eagle thing he got on his bicep that night. Anyway, me and Logan sat him down and told him that he needed to get a life and stop drowning in self-pity. If he wanted you back, sober himself up, take a shower and apologize his ass off.” The phone chimed again. Jennifer looked uncertainly at her purse. “Should you get that?”
“No,” Alice waved her hand over the purse. “It feels good to get another perspective on things.”
“It probably wouldn’t hurt to sit down with him and resolve everything. You’re both dating other people, but that doesn’t mean everything between you is settled. It could be that you’ll never really be able to move on until you gain some closure.”
Alice raised her eyebrow. “Jen, have you been watching Dr. Phil again?”
Jennifer reached across the table to hug her. “Alice, you’re like my best friend. We were supposed to convince those two degenerates to marry us and be sisters.”
“I know. It’s really great to see you, but I actually better be going.” She picked up her phone and groaned inwardly at the multiple text messages from Peter. She decided she didn’t want to deal with it right now and turned back towards Jennifer. “I’ll call you and we’ll make plans again. It feels good to get out of my Peter bubble.”
After making Alice swear a thousand times that she would call her, Jennifer left. As Alice walked out of the coffee shop, she dialed Peter’s number. She figured it would be better to just call him instead of taking the time to read and respond to his texts. “What?” he growled into the phone.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Sorry you’re hungry, but I just got caught up in my conversation with Jen. I’ll run home, get my stuff and be over in less than half an hour,” she promised.
“Don’t bother,” he said and hung up the phone on her. Alice glanced at the phone with a perplexed expression. Was he serious? Was he really that mad that she pushed back dinner to spend time with her friend? She glanced over the texts and started getting angry. The messages were heated demands that wanted to know why she wasn’t answering his texts and what she was doing. In one text, he asked if Ryan was there and if that was the reason she was ignoring him. She couldn’t decide whether it would be best to let him cool off or head over and tell him he needed to relax his hold on her if they were going to be together. She needed to start standing up for herself. Otherwise, why would she stay in this relationship?
Chapter Eighteen
Although she was upset about her disagreement with Peter, Alice found it easy to fall asleep that night. She was exhausted from the lengthy conversations she had with her therapist and Jennifer. She picked up the Xanax from the pharmacy, but was holding off from taking it since she had taken the Prozac that day. Peter hadn’t called her the entire night and she didn’t try to reach him. By tomorrow, he would probably be a little more level-headed.
Alice woke with a start. A dark figure stood at the foot of her bed. She prayed it was a bad dream or possibly another panic attack. She sucked in a sharp breath and lunged backwards in fear. “Alice, relax, it’s just me.”
Her tension eased as she recognized Peter’s voice. She turned on her bedside lamp. “Peter! You scared the hell out of me! What are you doing here?” She had made him a key last week since they’d been having frequent overnight stays at each other’s house, but he had never shown up unannounced.
“I couldn’t sleep,” he sat down on her bed. He kept his back to her.
“Well, why don’t you just lie down and we can talk in the morning? I’m sure you’re exhausted,” she said glancing at the clock that read 3:00.
“Alice, do you love me? You said you did, but did you mean it?” he looked over at her finally. His eyes were bloodshot and he reeked of alcohol.
“Of course I do,” she said softly.
“How do I know you’re not lying? You certainly don’t act like you do.” He got off of the bed and began pacing the room.
“Peter,” she said gently. “Just come to bed, there’s no reason to be upset.”
“Do you love him still?” he demanded. She stayed silent on the bed. “Well, do you? Answer me!” he demanded and slammed his palm down on her dresser.
“No, of course not. Why would you even think that?” She rubbed her eyes and wished she knew the words to say to calm him down.
“Because you promised me you were through with him and anything connected to him. Yet, here he is showing up at your office for lunch and coming to your apartment. Then you’re blowing me off to hang out with his brother’s girlfriend.” He took long strides back to the bed. He grabbed her arms tightly. “Don’t you know what you mean to me?”
“Peter, you’re hurting me,” she said as his grasp tightened. He let go. “You have no idea, do you Alice? What you’re capable of doing to me?”
“Peter, I love you and only you. You’re really scaring me right now, so I wish you would just calm down and come to bed,” she tried to sound calm and reasonable. However, she was unable to mask the quiver in her voice.
“What am I doing here? With you? I have plenty of girls throwing themselves at me, begging me to sleep with them. Instead, I fall in love with a girl who still has feelings for her ex,” he shook his head.
“Peter, that’s not fair and really a rude thing to say. Talking to Ryan doesn’t mean I’m still in love with him.”
“No, talking to him isn’t the reason I can tell, it’s the way you are in bed with me. You just lie there stiff as a board and act like I’m killing you.” She knew it was true, but had no idea how to respond. He did hurt her when they were intimate-it was kind of
hard to pretend to climax and get excited over sex with him. “What kind of chump am I to put up with this shit? Standing around cleaning up your puke? Drying your tears over your ex-boyfriend?” He clenched his fists at his sides. “I really need to get away from you.” Abruptly, he stormed out of her bedroom.
Scrambling out of bed, she raced after him. “Peter, stop! This is crazy! You’re going to leave me over having coffee with a friend?” She met him in the living room and tried to hold him in place. He pushed her back hard with his forearm. The force was enough for her to lose her balance and stumble backwards. She yelped in pain as the back of her head hit the corner of the coffee table. She felt dizzy enough that she was sure she was going to pass out. Reaching behind her, she felt a trail of blood coming from her scalp.
“Alice, oh my God!” He kneeled before her. “Your head! I’m running to get a towel.” He took off and she heard him scrambling through her linen closet. He ran back and applied pressure against the wound. “We need to get some ice too. Can you walk to the kitchen?” he asked starting to lift her to her feet. She barely managed to collapse onto a chair at her kitchen table. After switching on the light, she had to blink to allow her eyes to adjust to the sudden brightness.
“Get away from me,” she whispered with bite.
“Alice, I’m so sorry. You know I didn’t mean to hurt you, right? Please say you know that,” he begged.
“You said you needed to get away from me, so just go,” she said with disgust. She couldn’t even look him in the eye. Her head was pounding and she could feel the blood streaming from the cut on her head. “Look at all this blood-I need to get to the emergency room. I probably need stitches.”
He pulled the towel away from the cut and took a minute to examine it. “It actually doesn’t look that deep. Head wounds bleed a ton.”
“Well, you’re not a doctor, so I’m not going to take your word for it.” She tried to stand up, but immediately felt lightheaded. She grabbed onto the table for support.